Blogger finds silver lining

Alternative hobbies such as stamp-collecting and line-dancing (pictured above)
can now be put off until at least 2017

A number of bloggers and commentators are breathing more easily this week, after concerns about the performance of the main opposition political party were laid to rest.

Left-aligned bloggers had grown increasingly nervous about the prospects of a Labour-Greens government. A successful centre-left election result in 2014 would force many of them to reassess their role in the blogosphere.

However, the performance of various Labour Party MPs last week put those fears to rest, and reminded most people why a Labour-led government in 2014 remains a distant fantasy.

One blogger, who spoke on conditions of anonymity, said he had been afraid of a Labour-Greens victory for some time.

“The opinion polls have been getting closer and closer, to the point where a lot of people have been picking a victory for the centre-left in 2014,” said the blogger, who runs a satirical blogsite from a secret bunker situated deep in the dark and terrifying woods of West Auckland.

“I kept wondering what I would do if Labour won. What would I write about? It’s difficult to remain a pro-government blogger and retain any sort of credibility.

“A quick glance at National-aligned bloggers confirms this,” said the man. “They constantly run pro-government spin and ignore everything the government does that they don’t like. I can’t imagine ever doing that.

“It’s much easier to be a blogger when the party you support is in opposition, because your team doesn’t actually have to do anything, other than give speeches, in-fight, and issue misguided press releases.”

The blogger said he felt a sense of reassurance after the last week’s events.

“I realised I had nothing to worry about after those MPs were caught wining and dining at the expense of Sky City,” said the blogger.

“The inability of the most senior Labour MPs to appreciate the foolishness of accepting Sky City’s hospitality was matched only by the inability of those MPs or their leader for several days to provide a coherent explanation for their behaviour, or even a mea culpa.

“I have heard some people compare Labour’s Sky City damage-control strategy to chickens running around with their heads cut off.

“But that’s not strictly accurate,” said the man. “Headless chickens eventually stop running.”

The blogger pointed to other recent Labour blunders.

“Confirming the narrative of a bewildered leadership and a strategically bereft party, a number of Labour MPs fired missiles at John Key in Parliament and in the media over his handling of the Peter Dunne matter, unaware that those missiles were in fact boomerangs.

“Demanding that leakers be investigated by the police is fine, unless you’re the party in opposition and want to be able to rely on future leaks to embarrass the government.

“But it's not all bad news. I now look forward to continuing my blogging uninterrupted until at least 2017.”

The blogger admitted that Labour’s blundering was bad news for people who wanted progressive political leadership.

“It’s especially galling for those Labour MPs and activists working really hard to make a difference,” said the man.

“But their pain is my joy, because now I won’t have to find another hobby.”

Imperator Fish Nation: Government announces exciting new plan to overcrowd 39,000 houses in Auckland

(Click here for details of how you can contribute a piece to Imperator Fish Nation)

Dan writes:

The government has today announced an exciting new plan to overcrowd 39,000 houses in Auckland in just three years.

Finance Minister Bill English said “A lack of housing in Auckland is leading to rising house prices and stifling economic growth, particularly for middle class baby boomers hoping to purchase second or third properties.

“We need to ensure that the right kind of people in Auckland can afford to buy more houses to rent out, in the right places, more often.

“This plan will allow us to overcrowd 39,000 more houses in just three years, freeing up houses for those who truly deserve them.”

Prime Minister John Key said “The latest Roy Morgan State of the Nation shows that there are five or more people living in 23.9% of Auckland homes. Our research suggests that by taking no meaningful action to reduce house prices, we could easily achieve a rate of at least 40%.”

After being questioned by the press he added “Sure, we could build a lot of more houses, but that would be pretty expensive. So instead we think a more efficient solution is just to try and fit more people into the houses we already have.”

He added: “We tried blaming the council and Len Brown. That worked for a while, but our focus groups suggest people are starting to see through it. So this is the new plan.”

By not introducing a capital gains tax or any restrictions on foreign non-residents purchasing property, the government believes they can keep the heat on in the ridiculously over-valued Auckland market.

The Reserve Bank’s measures to make banks ask for at least a 20% deposit will also work well to keep first-home buyers and low-income Aucklanders out of the property market.

The government is still in negotiation with Auckland Mayor, Len Brown, over which areas should be targeted for over-crowding, but so far most suggested areas are in either South or West Auckland.

However, some pockets of units and apartments in the central isthmus in lower income areas such as Mount Roskill, Glen Innes and Waterview have also been identified as targets for over-crowding.

Housing Minister Nick Smith said “By putting pressure on Auckland Council to free up land for development at the edges of urban area, while failing to actually invest in building any houses ourselves, we can also ensure that developers who have bought up land on the urban fringe over the last 30 years will experience massive windfall gains.”

“This will mean lots of large, expensive houses are built in rural Auckland for baby boomers to live in when they retire. Their affluent, middle classed children can then move into their multiple properties in central parts of Auckland.”

Minister for Social Development Paula Bennett stated that research suggests low income Pasifika and Maori Aucklanders living in South Auckland are most likely to benefit from the over-crowding provisions in this plan.

She noted that Aucklanders living in over-crowded houses will need to spend less on heating, as more bodies in smaller spaces will generate their own warmth. Their children can also share clothes and blankets, which will help to keep them warm in winter, and promote the spread of infectious diseases quicker and more efficiently.

“We often see families where it can take at least three weeks for all members to get infected with a cold, flu or rheumatic fever. By crowding more people into fewer bedrooms, we can make sure that all family members get sick at once, rather than prolonging the misery.” said Minister of Health, Tony Ryall.

Impartial political commentators, such as Fran O’Sullivan, Matthew Hooton and business leaders, such as Andrew King, the President of the New Zealand Property Investors Federation, have greeted the government’s plans with an overwhelmingly positive response.

Click here for details of how you can contribute a piece to Imperator Fish Nation.

Please, I can explain!

I remember thinking at the time that the view from the
community hall was a remarkable one

Look, I can explain everything. There has been a terrible mistake, but I’m not the one responsible.

I would never have gone in if I’d known who the host was.

I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. Let me explain how I think this happened. I was on my way to a Council of Trade Unions meeting to hear Helen Kelly speak about the need to strengthen collective bargaining for vulnerable workers.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have great directions for the venue. All I knew was that it was a community hall somewhere in the Kingsland area. The CTU people told me I’d have no trouble finding the place. It would be well lit, and there would be plenty of people around.

So I got to Kingsland and I saw a bunch of bright lights and a lot of people going into a largish looking place, and I thought “hello, that must be it!” They recognised my face and let me through the door of the venue, and then I stumbled about for a bit looking for signs of Helen and her team.

How exactly I ended up in Sky City’s corporate box I can’t really say. I admit to feeling a little disoriented after half an hour or so of searching for the CTU function, and then someone in a sharp suit called out to me “this way! We’re so glad you could make it!”

They put a glass of bubbles in my hand and told me to get stuck into the buffet. They told me they had reserved a prime seat for me, and it even had a card with my name on it.

My goodness, I thought. The CTU are pulling out all the stops tonight! Champagne, ham off the bone, fresh salads and delicious seafood. I was in heaven! I wondered who was paying for it all, but I figured I had earned a bit of a treat after years of going to party and union meetings where the most you could hope for was a gingernut and a cup of terrible instant coffee.

“What’s the occasion?” I asked them. “This is magnificent fare!”

Some fellow in a shiny suit introduced himself as the CEO. I was a bit surprised by his job title. Since when did a union organisation have a CEO? Still, things had clearly been changing within the CTU, if the hospitality was anything to go by.

Helen wasn’t there, so I just hung around and had a drink, and then another, and then we watched the rugby. I’m not a fan of rugby, you understand, but by some fluke the venue where they were holding their talk had the most astonishing view of the Eden Park pitch.

I’m aware that there’s some footage doing the rounds. It shows me jumping up and down and screaming “go you good thing!” while hugging the chap who called himself the CEO.

But I can explain that too.

You see, I’m a fervent supporter of the union movement. I have devoted most of my adult life to improving the lot of our poorly paid workers. The sad truth, though, is that the union movement is at a low point in its history, thanks to years and years of battering at the hands of Tory governments. That’s why when I go to a union function I’m usually struck by the general mood of despondency about the place.

So I was amazed to see so many people jumping up and down and cheering. I honestly thought I was witnessing something special.

I admit that my behaviour may seem foolish now, but I was in the grips of a euphoria brought on by a powerful feeling of class consciousness. For a moment I thought we were going to raise the red flag and march on Wellington in numbers, tearing down once and for all this hateful capitalist system.

In hindsight it did seem odd that they wanted to talk a lot about gambling, and I did wonder where all my usual CTU friends were, and why the talk about collective bargaining never eventuated. But a couple of my caucus colleagues were there in the room, so I didn't think anything of it.

Had I known I was in the middle of a function organised by the dark lords of that vast pit of Satan, Sky City, I would have fled screaming.

I know now that I have been the victim of a terrible trick. I don’t blame the CTU or Helen Kelly for what happened, because what chance did such a plucky and honest group of people ever have against such a wicked organisation?

But this is not my fault. I’m the victim here. Where is my justice?

The party of business

Views like this one cost money. National understand this.

It's a challenging time for anyone trying to run a business. Most businesses have cut their costs down to the bone, and decisions about how and where to spend money need to be made with great care.

To remain successful, businesses need to know with some certainty that the money they spend will go to good use. 

The National Party understands this. When businesses buy the loyalty and goodwill of its MPs, those MPs generally stay bought.

The most offensive thing about the four Labour Party MPs who wined and dined in Sky City's corporate box is not the hypocrisy of those MPs, but the fact that Sky City's genuine efforts to purchase their support and loyalty have so spectacularly failed. Labour remains firmly opposed to the government's pokies deal with Sky City.

That is why National Party MPs have been so upset at this week's revelations. Those four Labour MPs effectively got a freebie.

National Party MP goes on mass murder rampage

Update 1: It turns out that he didn't.

Update 2: Oh well, he's probably still evil.

Right Thinking: This is what happens when we give them a voice

No-nonsense authoritarian libertarian Dr. Frank Shizenhausen is back with another hard-hitting post

The coach of the Australian football team, Holger Osieck, is in trouble for saying that "women should shut up in public'".

It's football, so the self-serving self-appointed guardians of political correctness were hardly going to miss the opportunity to put the boot in.

I've won!

Just a short post to let my readers know that I may be taking a break from blogging for a while.

I received an email from Lottery America this morning telling me I've won some money. A lot of money.

It was unexpected, as I don't remember buying a ticket. I asked my wife, and she said it was a scam.

Imperator Fish Nation: Winston Peters' dark secret revealed

The second of two posts by James Rowland

(Click here for details of how you can contribute a piece to Imperator Fish Nation)

New Zealand First was rocked today with one of the biggest scandals in the Party's long and distinguished history of cock-ups, which have included allowing Richard Prosser to be a parliamentarian.

A day in the life of Peter Dunne

7:04 am

Do I? Don’t I?

They’ll never find out if I do. Nobody will think to suspect me.

9:22 am

Attended a business breakfast held by one of the local accountancy firms. I played with the idea once of being an accountant, but decided against it. Those guys are all too flashy for my tastes.

Imperator Fish Nation: Dunne steps down from Revenue Minister role

By James Rowland

(Click here for details of how you can contribute a piece to Imperator Fish Nation)

There was shock today for fans of the long-running Government of New Zealand as the Revenue Minister, Peter Dunne, resigned.

EXCLUSIVE: Shock as Dunne resigns

Members of the Avondale RSA have been left reeling, after the shock resignation this afternoon of Jeffrey Dunne from the social events committee.

Panic in Hamilton as chemicals discovered in schools

Alarming levels of dihydrogen monoxide have been
found at one Hamilton City Council pool facility

The Hamilton City Council is to hold a special crisis meeting this morning, after it was revealed that virtually every resident in the city has been exposed to potentially lethal doses of chemicals.

Solidarity!

David Carter's decision, which may well be legally correct,
is an assault on our basic freedoms because I disagree with it

Today is a dark day. Mark down 6 June 2013 as the day when our democracy went to the dogs.

Transcript of Leader’s Keynote Speech: United Future Party Annual Conference

Ladies and gentlemen, firstly let me just say how much…

Wait, I have to stop for a minute. I’m having trouble seeing my audience. This phone booth isn’t all that well lit. Where’s my torch?

Ah, that’s better!

Right. Ahem…

Something new

I have a new blog thing, for my serious posts. The trouble with occasionally writing serious stuff here is that some of my readers don't seem to know the difference between a serious post and satire.

Nor do I sometimes, to be fair.

It's me

This poster didn't make the cut either

David Farrar writes:

Which prominent blogger has been on the parliamentary payroll for the last 18 months to two years as a parliamentary communications advisor to a political party?

The next Doctor

This guy is probably more telegenic than me, though my teeth
are in better nick.

Why the next Doctor must be a white male

Steven Moffat
Executive Producer, Doctor Who
The BBC

Dear Steven

Imperator Fish Nation: A day in the life of Tony Ryall

By Sam (who does not wish his/her full name to be published)

Click here for details of how you can contribute a piece to Imperator Fish Nation.

7:50 am

I have cut my cat’s food ration to 86.6% to free up resources for more frontline services. My cat looks disappointed. So I carefully explain that we all need to do more with less and that together we can deliver better, sooner and more convenient feline-human relations. The cat still looks disappointed. I wonder if the private sector could better serve my feline needs.

Enquiry to enquire into enquiry

Prime Minister John Key has announced an enquiry into allegations that United Future's Peter Dunne leaked details of Rebecca Kitteridge enquiry into the GCSB.

An enquiry was called into the leak of the Kitteridge report, after the report found its way into the media.

I'm not racist

I’m not racist. How can I be? That burning white cross in 
the middle of my lawn? Purely decorative. It signifies nothing.

I’m not racist. Some of my best friends are brown-skinned. Of course, I won’t go anywhere near their homes, and I certainly won’t eat their stinking food. But they’re good people.