1:58pm: Bill English is looking fabulous in his trademark black suit, and the camera is adoring him.
2:01pm: English places the One Ring on his finger and begins speaking.
2:22pm: English announces everyone will get a pony. Those on lower tax brackets will get dead ones.
2.34pm: A big cheer from the House as English announces increases in health and education spending, and as froth begins to appear on Roger Douglas's mouth.
2:58pm: Tax rules will be changed so that from 1 October the only rorting of the public permitted will be when politicians claim to live in one place but reside in another.
3:16pm: English: “Tax depreciation rules will also change from 1 April next year, so that ASH NAZG DURBATULÛK, ASH NAZG GIMBATUL, ASH NAZG THRAKATULÛK, AGH BURZUM-ISHI KRIMPATUL!” A loud cheer from Murray McCully.
3:26pm: Gerry Brownlee’s dinner allowance to be increased by 28%.
3:47pm: English says property depreciation rule changes are essential to discourage patent attorneys and IP lawyers from buying up all the volcanoes.
3:58pm: The speech is over. A crowd of young children enter the chamber waving flags and singing. There are cries of “long live Comrade English!” from all corners of the debating chamber.