Volcano Prices Rise Sharply

 Volcanic lairs like this one are in high demand

Real estate agents have reported a surge of interest from patent attorneys and IP lawyers looking to buy up volcanoes and other hidden lairs.

The surge began shortly after the Minister of Justice, Simon Power, announced that changes would be made to the Patents Bill, to bring it into line with the European position on software patentability.

And the interest became a frenzy last night, after the US Supreme Court’s decision in Bilski v Kappos. Many anti-patent lobby groups had hoped the Supreme Court would tighten the rules on the patentability of software and business methods. But legal experts say the ruling means it is business as usual for those filing software and business method patents.

Experts say these two developments are likely to lead to a glut of new patent filings on behalf of greedy multinationals, and a massive increase in profits by patent lawyers. After deduction of taxes and mandatory Illuminati contributions, it is estimated that the average patent attorney’s income will rise by at least 400%.

Senior patent attorney The Grand Master Sir Vincent de Mort explained why the developments would so enrich the profession.

“At last the time is upon us! Watch, my lovelies, as I and others plant vast patent thickets around every area of technology conceivable to man, and then extort small software companies and software developers to pay exorbitant licence fees! And if they do not give in to our demands us we will annihilate them in the courts. Bwah ha ha ha! Bwa ha ha ha ha!”, said Sir Vincent, speaking through his interpreter-snake.

Ray Hargood of Hargood Realty said there simply were not enough volcanoes to go around, and that properties were being snapped up within hours of going on the market.

“We’re finding that the offshore islands are particularly attractive to our clients. Some attorneys are new in the market, and have taken the opportunity to buy their first volcano, now that the outlook is so bright for patents.

“Others are trading up. I’ve got one client whose volcanic lair in the Hauraki Gulf simply isn’t big enough to house him, his family, his army of goons in orange boilersuits, and his secret nuclear weapons that he plans to fire into the sun. He’s decided to upgrade now he can make even more money filing patents and suing software developers.”

Mr Hargood said that nothing much had changed when it came to what IP lawyers wanted in their properties.

“The old favourites: a bit of space, a view and a pool. They want enough room to manoeuvre their death machines in, and a nice view of the hapless cities they’re about to exterminate. A shark-filled pool will always add that ‘wow’ factor to a property.”

But for younger patent attorneys new to the market, affordability is an issue.

Desmond Smythe qualified as a patent attorney last year, and has been searching for a modest volcano to settle down in since the start of the year.

“It’s depressing, really”, said Mr Smythe. “The market’s gone crazy, and anything much more than a hole in the ground concealing a vast array of dungeons and military installations is out of my price range.”

Desmond Smythe, pictured above, can't afford his own volcano.

He said he was considering renting for a few years, until the market died down.

“But it’s still hard to find a good rental that has a missile launch site, sufficient barracks, and decent biological warfare facilities.

“I may end up moving in with my parents for a while, before having them both killed.”

2020 Blindsight

So let me get this straight: we can't even organise a bid for the 2018 Commonwealth Games, and yet John Banks wants Auckland to hold the 2020 Olympics.

Banks will be widely ridiculed for this, so there's no need for me to join that stampede.

But let's go with this for a moment. Why don't we consider some of the potential issues an Olympic bid would face?

• lack of an Olympic stadium to hold events
• lack of anywhere sensible to put an Olympic stadium (The waterfront? No, not that debate again!)
• lack of sufficient accommodation facilities
• lack of money to build the necessary infrastructure
• lack of popular will to get this done (just think back to the chaos over whether to build a waterfront stadium for the Rugby World Cup)
• Mayor Banks' previous steadfast refusals to contribute towards Rugby World Cup costs
• the likelihood that, being a relatively small city by world standards, holding the world's biggest sporting event would bankrupt Auckland.

Apart from that it's a smashing idea.

I'm all for big thinking, but big thinking has to be accompanied by realism. Bidding for the Olympics is like planning to visit the Moon before learning how to fly.

So why not bid for the Commonwealth Games first? 

Or the next G20 conference? Imagine the financial windfall, especially to balaclava manufacturers and window repairers.

"Most Lothsom, Filthie, Foule, And Full Of Vile Disdaine"

And so another so-called scandal begins over something of no consequence. A rule is broken, but no harm is done. Unleash the hounds!

From Stuff:

Labour MP Trevor Mallard has accused Attorney-General Chris Finlayson of yet again not declaring a pecuniary interest.

Mr Finlayson did not declare that he was a director and shareholder of Te Puhi Trust (2) Ltd in the annual Register of Pecuniary Interest because he had no interest in the company, which was a corporate trustee incorporation for a friend's trust, he said.

Mr Finlayson said he sought advice from the trust's lawyer, who told him he had no personal or pecuniary interest in the company.

However, he referred the matter to Registrar of Pecuniary Interests Dame Margaret Bazley, who said the rules stated all company directorships needed to be declared and there were no exemptions.

He has since amended the register to include the Te Puhi Trust. At the same time he also amended it to include his directorship in the Diana Bremner Trust Nominees Ltd

Mr Mallard today questioned Prime Minister John Key in Parliament about his confidence in Mr Finlayson.

Mr Key said he was "proving himself to be an outstanding Attorney-General".

"Would Mr Finlayson continue to enjoy his confidence as Attorney-General if a further false declaration came to light?" Mr Mallard said.

Mr Mallard then presented a Companies Office record that he said showed Mr Finlayson "made another false declaration".

That record shows Mr Finlayson was a director of the Diana Bremner Trust until March 9, 2006. He entered Parliament in 2005.

Sure, Finlayson should have declared his interest in both companies at the time. It appears, however, that he made a simple mistake. Big deal. He was acting in a trustee capacity, and had nothing to gain by the omissions.

With this kind of petty mudslinging and undie-sniffing now rampant, it's no wonder politicians are so universally despised.

You have to wonder where this trend will take us. Why don't we put speed cameras outside the homes of MPs, to see if we can catch them going over 50kph? Can you imagine the scandal? "Redfaced minister admits breaking the law: caught doing 51km in a 50km zone."

If we're gong to have to put up with an examination of every form our politicians sign, and every receipt they ever receive, can we at least have something juicy to compensate for the boredom? Maybe some truly sordid story from the past of one of our MPs, involving cattle, vegetables and a video camera. Or maybe a murder. I like a good murder.

For many in the blogosphere it proves that some people just can't be trusted. Check out this exchange between Labour MP Clare Curran and blogger Idiot/Savant on Twitter today:

So there we have it. Finlayson's failure to declare proves that all lawyers are dishonest. Every single one of us (Did you know that I'm actually emptying out your bank account as you read this? Don't ask me how I got your banking details. I know people).

An alternative theory is that I/S lives in a fantasy world and has never met any real lawyers. Maybe we're like dragons: troublemaking creatures that hoard gold and frighten the villagers, and only exist in fairy stories.

This Should Do The Trick

How does Kiwiblog remain so popular when most of DPF’s blog posts are a cut and paste job, with a couple of lines of usually routine commentary added, like “about time” or “I agree”? Why don’t people just read the paper instead?

And yet it works.

Stuff reports:

Sandra Bullock and Jesse James have reportedly signed their divorce papers.

The actress split from the motorcycle mechanic earlier this year after it was alleged that he had cheated on her with a string of women. She filed for divorce a few weeks later, and gossip website TMZ reports that the divorce is now final.

Sealed documents were filed with the clerk's office in Travis County, Texas, last week. The contents of the paperwork will not be made public to protect Sandra's privacy, but a court source told TMZ it is the couple's final divorce papers, which they signed early last week.

About time too.

Sandra filed for divorce in April under a code name, saying the marriage had become "insupportable because of discord or conflict of personalities that destroys the legitimate ends of the marriage relationship and prevents any reasonable expectation of reconciliation". Jesse has publicly stated he was willing to let Sandra go because he had hurt her so badly.

I totally agree. Poor Sandra’s had a tough time lately.

I’ll check back in an hour or so to see how many thousands of hits I’ve had.

Update 9:32pm: SiteMeter must be bung. It says I've had hardly any visitors this evening. Stupid unreliable program. It must be built using open source software.

Bilski Out - Business As Usual

The Bilski case is out, but it doesn't appear to have changed much. The Open Source movement had been hoping for a damning judgment on software patentability. They will be disappointed.

I've not read the case (who has time to actually read cases nowadays?), but Dennis Crouch on Patently-O (about the most reliable US patent law source around) says that, although the US Supreme Court ruled that Bilski's risk assessment method could not be patented (that won't surprise many, given the abstract nature of the claims):

• business methods still appear to be patentable
• software still appears to be patentable.

There may be a few crumbs of comfort for open source advocates in the minutiae of the judgments, but it appears to be largely business as usual for patent attorneys.

I So Totally Forgot

Sometimes when you’re a prominent politician your memory can play tricks on you.

It’s like that time when I accused my opponent of dipping into ratepayer funds to pay for posh lunches, only to suddenly remember I’d been reimbursed for a few fancy feeds myself.

I’d so completely forgotten about any of that.

Or like that time when I talked about the vision I had for leading a world class city that we could be proud of. It must have slipped my mind that I and my Cit-Rats mates were largely responsible for the blight of ugly apartments that has ruined Auckland’s CBD for at least a generation.

And when I spoke about the vibrant inclusive society that I wanted Auckland to be, I completely forgot about all of my past homophobic utterances.

When I talked about my experience and skill as a manager of public money, I so totally forgot about my involvement as a director of Huljich Wealth Management, a discredited Kiwisaver provider.

And that I’d sold half of the Council’s shares in Auckland International Airport, when holding them would have been the smarter option.

Thank God other people have as short a memory as me. Otherwise I wouldn’t still be in this race.

My Supercity Campaign Launches

Who's this guy then?

The number of candidates standing for Auckland Super City mayoralty in the October elections has now jumped to six, with property manager Colin Craig announcing his intention to run today.

He joins former actor Simon Prast, Auckland City mayor John Banks, Manukau mayor Len Brown, water campaigner Penny Bright and comedian Ewen Gilmour.

Mr Craig is leader of The March for Democracy - a movement which aims to make sure governments act democratically.

He said he was not aligned with any political parties and would run on issues like ratepayer dollars, local council initiatives and leaky homes.

Maybe I should throw my hat into the ring too. I have no political skills, no experience in running a city, and a whole heap of wrongheaded notions about how the world should be run.

So I'm ideally suited to run for mayor of the Supercity.

But first I must take out the weaker candidates and absorb their supporters into my party. So my initial campaign promises are:

• free theatre tickets for all ratepayers
• free water for all ratepayers
• ratepayers have free licence to beat their kids whenever they feel like it (so long as they call it "loving chastisement")
• black jeans and t-shirts are the new council uniform.

That ought to take care of the minnows. That will leave me running third.

Not a bad start, is it?

Blog Survey Confirms This Blogsite The Most Influential In All The World

For those who may be interested, Andrew Cushen has written a Masters Thesis on the political blogosphere.

You probably won't learn anything that will blow your mind, but it's a curious read nevertheless.

It turns out that most of us are white, male and educated. Who would have guessed?

Changes To Patents Bill Confirmed

I reported on Wednesday that moves were afoot to alter the no-software provision inserted into the Patents Bill.

This morning Stuff reports:

Commerce Minister Simon Power and the Economic Development Ministry have rejected claims from commerce select committee chairwoman Lianne Dalziel they have significantly shifted their position by proposing software which has a "technical purpose" could be patented.

Mr Power announced in April that the Government would back changes to the Patents Bill proposed by the commerce select committee that would mean computer software could no longer be patented.

The committee's understanding was that inventions that relied on "embedded software" – software that is built into a physical device – would still be patentable.

Rory McLeod, director of the ministry's competition, trade and investment branch, says the bill will be reworded to ensure inventors would be able to patent software that has a technical purpose.

He says the select committee accepted embedded software was "not a good term" and "always understood we would have to look at how we framed it legally, and they were happy to go forward on that basis". The new wording would mean software that was separate from a physical device could be patented, if it drove "some sort of
invention".

"Our worry is that some inventions would be missed if you said `embedded', and `technical purpose' seems to have slightly wider scope."

Well that seems a reasonable compromise – it leaves everyone equally unhappy. Nothing other than an outright ban on patenting all software would satisfy the NZ Open Source Society, while most IP lawyers and patent attorneys can’t see what all the fuss is over software patents.

The fact of the matter is that, far from emulating the position in Europe that many open source proponents favour, the wording of the Bill went too far. The wording did not support the right to patent embedded software, so now it is being changed.

It isn’t clear why NZICT failed to make a submission to the select committee, and they should have. I have heard some suggest NZICT simply failed to appreciate the fact that software patents were under attack.

However, claims by Labour MP Claire Curran that the select committee process has been subverted by NZICT’s lobbying are a bit rich. How is this unusual? Did this sort of lobbying never happen under Labour?

Expect some excitement on the Internet for a few days, before the matter dies down.

Killing Son Of God A Branding Coup

The recent crucifixion of Jesus by the Romans has proven to be a marketing Midas touch for Judea, according to branding experts.

The brave effort of the Romans in nailing up the Son of God has captured the imagination of the entire province, and has seen Judea's stocks riding high.

The unexpected success of the Romans in killing the Messiah has been one of the feel-good stories of the year, especially for those who viewed Jesus as a troublemaker and rebel.

"Brand Judea could never buy this kind of exposure," said Aulus Junius, media strategist and marketing expert. Using an abacus he has conservatively estimated the financial windfall to the province from the killing to be as high as ten thousand denarii.

The news of the crucifixion spread quickly through the Roman Empire, into places like Parthia and Germany, where few had even heard of the plucky little province that defied God.

Publius Maxentius, a brand performance consultant, said the effort in killing the Christ projected an image of a "little province that makes a terrible difference."

"Our governor was determined to stamp his will on the province, and that really connected with a lot of people," he said. The exposure in some places, like Rome and Syracuse, where Judea seldom "gets a look in" would lead to "huge benefits" for the province, said Maxentius.

"Will it mean they respect our products and services more? It may."

Maxentius is a well known figure in the marketing industry, and was the creative genius behind the famous "Eat grain - because if you don't you'll starve" campaign.

He says Judeans must now take advantage of the mass exposure given by the crucifixion.

"Killing this guy Jesus is going to go down in the ages, so it's a big deal. But let's not rest on our laurels. We need to be brave enough to take the next step. Slaughtering religious leaders is clearly something we're very good at, and it's something we can become world leaders in.

"It's all about pushing forward Brand Judea. So let's get nailing!

I Would So Have Done That

If I were a virulent anti-Semite with homophobic tendencies I would so have done the same as this guy:

A top TV star unleashed a racist outburst at a high-profile media event this week - claiming that "Jews were expendable".

David Fane, one of the creators of bro'Town, told an audience including Jason Gunn, Mike Hosking, Kate Hawkesby and John Tamihere, that "Hitler had a right" and HIV sufferers deserved to be "roasted".

Yeah, if only I were a hate-filled drunk, because I would so tell those Jews and gays where they got off.

I'd probably even mention the Holocaust and giggle about genocide - but only if I were a moron whose idea of a joke is making fun of people's misery.

And if I were a complete dickwad who never wanted to work in the entertainment industry again, I'd co-incide my tirade with a media event where half the people in the country who might one day employ me were present.

I'd probably even call them all a bunch of c**ts.

I would so do that if I were a prize ass.

The Right To Wank

Is masturbation a human right?

The Dom Post reports:

Convicted  murderer Stephen Hudson is taking his jailers to court, alleging a breach of his human rights for seizing an issue of racy women's magazine Cosmopolitan.

Hudson, 39, has filed High Court proceedings understood to relate to a 2008 copy of the magazine, which contains a lavishly illustrated article comparing natural breasts to those with implants.

Hudson was found guilty in November of murdering 22-year-old Nicholas Pike in the central North Island in March 2002. 

I suppose that when you're in the nick and the only love you're gonna get comes from that fat toothless dude down the corridor, giving pleasure to one's self while perusing women's magazines is probably the only joy you can hope for. If you were locked up for long enough you might even find the pictures in Women's Weekly arousing.

Part of Hudson's argument is based on the "boobs on bikes parade" court case, in which a judge refused to stop a street parade of topless women riding motorbikes.

"He says that if young children can stand on the side of the road and see boobs on bikes why can he not see boobs inside," his mother, Christina Billing says.

"It's a simple magazine, it's not pornographic or R18 or anything. There are a lot of good articles in them."

Unless Mr Hudson is a metrosexual murderer, I think we can all assume he's not reading the articles.

Can you imagine trying to explain to your mother why you were taking the case? "Mum, I know I've been a bad boy, but if I can't wank furiously my life just won't be worth living any more."

Hudson's argument that people can do as they please outside prison has a fatal flaw. We put people in prison so that they can't do as they please. I'm all for not treating people in prison like animals, but it's not meant to be a holiday either.

I assume Hudson is seeking legal aid for this. Which seems an unfortunate use of taxpayer funds. After all, those funds could be used to help hard working Cabinet minsters to relax in their hotel rooms.

Capping Does Not Mean Gutting

From the Herald:

The Government expects to axe hundreds more public service positions in the next year as fiscal constraints continue, State Services Minister Tony Ryall said today.

The Government cut 1480 state sector jobs last year, and has signalled nearly 500 more jobs would go over the next year, leaving about 37,000 jobs in the public sector.

Didn't this Government agree to cap the number of civil servants? Which part of that election pledge involved actively gutting the public sector?

Of course, next we'll get the promise that the cuts won't affect front-line positions. Bullshit. When "frontline" staff (whatever the hell that means) don't have back-office staff doing the work for them, it means the "frontline" staff just end up doing more admin and less "frontline" stuff.

More importantly, how does making more people unemployed help our economy? Am I missing something?

The Business Day

It's no wonder our sharemarket is so poorly performing when you consider who is running some of our companies.

You just need to read the business news to see how poorly run many of these listed companies are. Take GPG for example. Its board has been around for too long, is dysfunctional, and is bereft of ideas about how to get the company out of the shit it is slowly sinking into. If I had shares in this company I would be selling them.

And how about my old favourite Allied Farmers? How is it doing? Its shares are currently worth just over four cents each, and the share price has continued to slide. They'll soon be junk, because the Hanover news is likely to just get worse. Four cents might be too much to pay.

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One bit of bright business news at least: ASB has a new ad agency. I'm hopeful this means those painfully bad (not to mention potentially anti-semitic) Goldstein ads are history.

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In other business/economic news, a report issued today confirmed that Australian productivity continues to outpace our own. We are hardly closing the gap. In fact it is ever-widening. Listening to Phil O'Reilly on Checkpoint today was also depressing. His answer is tax cuts. He says that's what worked in Australia. But if you look at our overall tax burden compared to other OECD countries, it's favourable. So tax is not the reason why we underperform.

Depressing, isn't it?

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The decision to put Alan Hubbard into statutory management is a curious one. You'd struggle to find anyone who has a bad word to say about the man. I have no idea what the regulatory authorities think they have found, but it must be serious to justify this extraordinary step.

With so many rogues and shysters having emptied the bank accounts of investors over the last two years, it's odd that the one guy the authorities put under statutory management has an almost unblemished record.

He'd have been better off running a dodgy finance company. Wouldn't it be something if a statutory manager took over the assets of some of the people behind failed ventures like Hanover and Bridgecorp? They could take hold of that half-finished palace on Paratai Drive, tear it down and turn the land into a campsite. That way at least a few of the people who lost their homes thanks to Hotchin et al would have somewhere to pitch a tent.

Very Good But Not The Greatest Ever

I'm all very grateful for the fine effort our football team put in, but can we stop the media panegyrics now?

No way was drawing with two mid-30s ranking teams and one undeservedly-ranking top-ten team, the best achievement in our sporting history. Though I didn't watch the games I'm told they were poor spectacles, though tense affairs for supporters of the teams involved.

So we could just become football's equivalent of the English rugby team. Dull for non-supporters to watch, but tough to beat.

Anyway, let's stop this eulogistic bullshit and just celebrate a fine effort by a team with limited resources but big hearts. And then let's get back to important stuff.

A Good Bad Day For ACC

Today we've all been distracted by events in Australia, and by the big football game on tonight. So it was a good day for this Government to release bad news.

Although, perversely, the bad news was actually good news.

Confused? Most of my readers are. Let me explain.

Since National took power we've been fed the tale that our ACC system is a dog, is virtually bankrupt, and will incur massive deficits for years to come. Unless urgent action is taken. And even then the pain will be considerable.

So, because this asset is now a liability, why don't we take a look at opening it up to competition? This is what economists call "flogging off the family silver".

The trouble is that we appear to have been fed a lie. Either that or the Government's advisers are utterly incompetent. How else could this be explained?

The Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) is set to make a surplus this year, mainly because of higher returns on its investments.

ACC Minister Nick Smith praised the corporation's performance on Thursday after appearing before the transport and industrial relations select committee to discuss its Budget appropriation.

Dr Smith said he had been encouraged by the changes made at ACC since the Government said it was unhappy with the increase in its costs.

It would make about $1.5 billion from its investments this year, he said, and the total surplus would be about $2 billion because of a drop in the cost of claims, better rehabilitation rates and cuts to administration costs.

The minister said that if the current outlook was maintained, ACC would be able to meet its legal obligation for fully funding claims by 2019.

So the bad news is in fact good news for the nation, even though it's bad for National because it proves that they were either lying about the state of ACC's books, or plain incompetent when they first analysed them.

If ACC was as much of a dog as Nick Smith claimed last year, it could never have been turned around so quickly.

Smith shouldn't be allowed to get away with this. If your doctor told you that you had six months to live, but then rang to tell you a week later that it was just a nasty cold, would you thank your doctor?

So this good news is bad for National, but good for Labour and good for the country.

And if you're still confused, have another drink. Trust me, it helps everything.

Home Sweet Home

These guys may have won an award for having the filthiest flat in the country.

And yet the living room looks depressingly similar to my own after my three-year-old and one-year-old have been left to their own devices for more than half an hour.

Knew I should have entered the competition.

A Backdown On Software Patents?

The Government may be realising that the decision to rid us of software patents altogether could be a bad one, and it may now backtrack on the plan.

The decision to ban all software patents didn't seem to make much sense, especially as the proposed prohibition appeared to go well beyond what other countries had done.

If passed into law, it would also have seen us moving in a different direction to Australia and the US.

It may be premature to celebrate any kind of softening of the official stance, but a partial backdown would comes as no surprise. I had heard through various circles that a compromise was being sought to make the Bill more palatable to a number of ICT vendors. The NZ Open Source Society believes its views are representative of most people in the IT world, and NZICT is regularly dismissed as merely a handful of greedy multinationals. NZICT in fact represents a large number of sizeable IT companies, many of them homegrown. They employ thousands of people, and many of them are successful in business. Many of them understand how valuable patents can be in creating wealth and encouraging innovation.

The potential compromise in all of this is that we'll end up with something similar to Europe, where embedded software is patentable. But, despite what officials are saying, it doesn't appear that the wording of the Bill allows for embedded software to be patented. So some change may need to be made to the wording of the Bill.

It's unlikely that the prohibition on patenting software will be removed altogether. So the noise currently being generated by the open source movement over this latest development can probably be dismissed as hysteria.

Rogues And Mass Murderers Shiver With Fear

Dictators, monsters and corrupt rulers, be very afraid.

Lincoln University has revoked an honorary degree awarded to a former Peruvian president who was last year jailed for ordering two massacres and committing other human rights crimes.

Lincoln vice- chancellor Roger Field said the decision to revoke Alberto Fujimori's science doctorate was met by a round of applause from staff during a regular campus update today.

Yes, you can do as you please, going about murdering, destroying and stealing. But if you think you can get a science degree from one of New Zealand's top ten universities, think again. We won't allow it. Actually we will, but eventually we will find out what you've been up to and then we will get VERY CROSS! Eventually.

The message is simple: do as you please in your own country, but do not f**k with the good people of Lincoln.

It's A White-Out In Manurewa

The Herald reports that businesses in Newmarket are planning a white-out to support the New Zealand football team.

An Auckland shopping district has put its support behind the All Whites soccer World Cup campaign with Newmarket businesses "whiting out" their shops.

New Zealand play Paraguay at 2am (NZ time) on Friday in a bid to reach the next round of the tournament in South Africa.

The Newmarket Business Association said more than 100 businesses would white out or decorate their offices in the next 48 hours to support the All Whites.

"Fifteen years ago we all put on red socks to help the late Sir Peter Blake win the America's Cup," said Cameron Brewer, chief executive of the Newmarket Business Association.

"We're now asking people to go all white to show their support for our greatest football team ever."

Big deal. If the CEO of the Newmarket Business Association farts the Herald holds its front page.

Never mind that other businesses are already doing this sort of thing, and without any fanfare. Take the Manurewa Cosmopolitan Club, for example. Every night there is an All Whites night.

Attempt To Fly Reactionary Flag Fails

There was an altercation in Parliament today as reactionary forces, led by the Speaker of the House, Lockwood Smith, attempted to fly the New Zealand flag.

 The incident sparked an official protest by the Chinese government, and a formal apology from the governor of the province, John Key.

An investigation is now under way to determine how the Speaker was able to ascend to the roof of Parliament without being apprehended by Chinese security.

Dr Smith's attempt was foiled when the wind refused to blow, leaving the flag hanging limply on its mast.

Provincial officials are hopeful that the symbol of New Zealand's sovereignty hanging flaccidly will discourage other troublemakers, wreckers and class enemies from attempting anything similar.

This attempt to fly the New Zealand flag has not been the first attempt by terrorists to challenge the One-China policy. Foreign forces are thought to be behind the incident, because New Zealand has always been a part of China, and because its people are peaceful and content under China's benevolent rule.

Dr Smith was said last night to be regretful and ashamed at his behaviour. His self-denunciation will be broadcast live on Parliament TV at midday tomorrow.

Dear China, We're Very Sorry And Promise To Be Good

The protest by Russel Norman outside Parliament last week has been an ideal opportunity for our Government to demonstrate its loyalty to our Chinese overlords.

Particularly telling is the assertion in Parliament today by Bill English that Norman started the fracas by assaulting a Chinese security official. The footage tells a different story.

Norman has not helped his cause by claiming he was being quiet and doing nothing untoward, when the footage seems to show that he was in fact being noisy and trying desperately to be seen. He wasn't just making a silent protest; he was yelling "freedom for Tibet, freedom for the people of Tibet!" His proximity to the Chinese Vice-President meant he was always going to be regarded as potentially hostile.

That aside, Norman didn't start the altercation. If you watch the footage (TVNZ has its footage here and TV3's is here), it looks as if the trouble first begins when Norman objects to a Chinese security official standing in his way. The pair shuffle around, and Norman takes a step or two forward to get out of the guy's way. NZ and Chinese security people then put their backs to Norman, leaving Norman to yell harmless slogans. So far it's all pretty harmless. But then a Chinese security official sweeps in with an umbrella, and that's when the altercation really begins.

The so-called assault by Norman didn't trigger anything, as anyone who watches the footage can see. That makes Bill English's claim of assault all the more laughable. The situation was under control until the man with an umbrella showed up. The real reason for the incident was the determination of Chinese officials to stifle dissent over the issue of Tibet. They are entirely to blame for what happened.

Norman's protest may have lacked dignity, but then we don't expect dignity from our politicians. If dignity was a requirement we'd have had to clean out the House and get a new lot of MPs long ago. And it really makes a mockery of our political system having to witness the spectacle of the Deputy Prime-Minister, who has rorted the system to his personal advantage more than any other current politician, attacking another MP over his conduct.

That makes our craven apology to China all the more difficult to stomach.

All Whites Praise John Key After Italy Game

All Whites captain Ryan Nelsen has said John Key was the difference between New Zealand and Italy today.

New Zealand beat the fancied Italian team 1-1 in their World Cup encounter at Nelspruit this morning. The result has stunned the football world.

Nelsen spoke after the game about the inspiration behind their victorious draw.

"This has been a tremendous effort by the boys and by our management. But one man deserves most of the credit. If it wasn't for John Key we'd have lost."

Nelsen said the presence of the charismatic and popular leader had pushed them to achieve the unthinkable.

"When they held the Rugby World Cup here in 1995 Nelson Mandela united his country and inspired the South African team. That's exactly what happened today.

"John Key was our Nelson Mandela."

Heroic goalkeeper Mark Paston said the watching figure of the Prime Minister gave him the strength to hold out.

"After their equaliser I was feeling pretty down. They were just peppering the goal, and I thought 'sooner or later they're going to get one past me'. But then I saw him looking down on me. He was in the stand watching the game. That's when I knew I could do it. My spirits lifted and I decided this was not Italy's day."

The ever-modest Key said he was pleased with the result, but had never doubted the team's resolve.

And he had put other business on hold to enjoy the spectacle.

"I was on the phone to the Chinese President during the game, apologising for our nation's long and glorious tradition of democracy and dissent.

"But I had to cut the call short, because I was so nervous about the game."

Key was eager to stress that the result was not all his doing.

"Politics, like football, is a team sport. I'm the captain of my team, but behind me is a terrific group of loyal and dedicated people. My presence may have been the difference between defeat and a victorious stalemate, but I couldn't have done it without the unswerving support of my caucus colleagues."

"Still, the people are right to love me. And don't I look good in the All Whites shirt?"

Football: The Beautiful White Liberal Game

You really have to hand it to Michael Laws. It takes a special skill to do what he's done in his latest column. He's taken the most popular sport in the world and used it to launch a tirade against leftwingers and liberals.

A sport especially made for white, middle-class liberals because it does not involve real violence, usually ends in a draw, and isn't rugby. Especially, that it is not rugby. And it excites pedants because it's not soccer, but something called "football". 

And there I was thinking football was played all around the world, most often by poor non-white people. Silly me. That's why I don't parody this guy. How could I ever match his own efforts?

This is the reason that Wellington has embraced the round-ball game like no other centre or region in New Zealand. Because Wellington is the capital of PC and it is their form of revenge to adore a sport that the rest of the country just doesn't get. Which is why the media went ape when New Zealand – the 78th-ranked country in the world – drew 1-1 with Slovakia, the 34th-ranked country in the world. Put in rugby parlance, it is the equivalent of the Solomon Islands defeating Hong Kong.

Sorry, Mr Laws, but the rest of the country does get football. It may not have the popularity of rugby (yet), but it is much more widely played by kids than rugby, and has thousands of supporters all across the country - not just in Wellington.

It does no good to compare rugby and football, because in rugby it is almost unthinkable that any top-ten team would be beaten by a non-top-ten outfit. In football, however, anyone in the top 40 could (on their day) defeat another. Consider also that in rugby only five of the top ten ranked teams have ever beaten New Zealand. One of those top ten teams hasn't beaten us since the 1950s.

Except they didn't. They drew. Which is the fatal flaw of the so-called "beautiful game". It just doesn't have enough climaxes over 90 minutes to justify its global status. There aren't enough scores.

Objections like the one Laws puts forward are idiotic, because if hundreds of millions of people follow football passionately, then there must be something to it. Laws may not like the game, but that's his issue. Why is this the content of a column in a national newspaper? I've watched many high-scoring rugby games that were rubbish. Frequency of point-scoring is not an indication of quality.

Laws states that the Polynesian kids play league and rugby, and that white parents won't let their kids play those sports any more. How that makes football a game for "liberals" is anyone's guess. Perhaps it is a mere reflex, writing the word "liberal" after "white". He can't help himself.

The column then descends into an attack on the World Cup and international football. But what does it matter how terribly the sport might be run? (and what sport is well-run at an international level? Arguably not rugby) Football's vastly more popular than rugby is or will ever be. If we did go over the top in our praise over a draw with Slovakia, then so what? It was a worthy achievement, even if it wasn't comparable to the truly great New Zealand sporting moments.

Laws is just venting. Brown people took his rugby away, and now the white people are following another sport. How dare they! Has the world gone mad?

Laws is becoming an increasingly marginalised minority. Perhaps he should start a support group.

John Banks - You're Toast

The Herald reports:

Aucklanders eyeing the Super City mayoral contest are deserting Manukau Mayor Len Brown following his council credit card breaches, a survey shows.

An online survey of readers of the Herald and other APN publications shows 13.6 per cent of respondents have switched allegiance from Mr Brown to Auckland City Mayor John Banks, or another candidate.

Even though the survey is unscientific, the large number respondents - 1537 readers of the Herald, Herald on Sunday, the Aucklander and Woman's Weekly - provides an interesting take on the two weeks of intense political and media scrutiny of Mr Brown's credit card expenses.

When readers were asked who they would vote for as Super City mayor, Mr Brown got 31.2 per cent support, narrowly ahead of Mr Banks on 29.1 per cent. A further 12.9 per cent said they would vote for another candidate and 26.8 per cent did not know.

The Herald's online surveys always have a notable right-wing bias. The fact that Brown still leads Banks in the readers poll is bad news for Banks. Either his smear campaign has backfired, or people just don't care.

So unless Brown is soon revealed to have used his credit card to buy underage girls or cut cocaine, I'd say he's weathered the storm nicely. US-style sleaze campaigns just don't seem to work in these parts.

I've said before that I don't particularly favour Brown as a candidate, and he doesn't particularly inspire me. However, the dirty tactics of his opponents are likely to make my voting decision an easy one.

Back to the Herald. An unscientific poll showing a different result to a scientific one does not prove that voters are deserting Len Brown. It merely proves that an unscientific and unreliable poll is meaningless.

That the Herald would even make a comparison between two polls shows the paper is actively out to get Brown. And that's disgraceful.

It's War!

I am speaking to you from the Koru Lounge at Auckland International Airport, shortly before I get on a plane to South Africa.

This morning the New Zealand Ambassador in Beijing handed the Chinese Government a final note stating that unless we heard from them by 11:00 am that they were prepared at once to unreservedly apologise for the manhandling of Green Party MP and co-leader Russel Norman, a state of war would exist between us.

I have to tell you that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently this country is at war with China.

You can imagine what a bitter blow it is to me that all my long struggle to strengthen trade relations with China has failed. Yet I cannot believe that there is anything more or anything different I could have done and that would have been more successful.

Up to the very last it would have been quite possible to have arranged a peaceful and honourable settlement between ourselves and the Chinese, but the Chinese President Hu Jintao would not have it.

His Vice-President's security detail had evidently made up their minds to attack anyone who protested over China's treatment of Tibet, whatever happened; and although they now say Vice-President Xi Jinping had put forward reasonable security proposals which were rejected by us, that is not a true statement.

The proposals were never shown to us; and although they were announced in a Chinese broadcast on Thursday night,  Xi Jinping did not wait for our comments on them, but ordered his security detail to attack anyone who held a Tibetan flag near to him.

His actions show convincingly that there is no chance of expecting that this man will ever give up his practice of using force to gain his will. He and his President can only be stopped by force.

We are today, in fulfilment of our obligations, going to the aid of the Greens, who have so bravely resisted this wicked and unprovoked attack on its co-leader. We have a clear conscience. We have done all that any country could do to establish peace. The situation in which no security assurance given to China’s ruler would be accepted and no people or country could feel themselves safe has become intolerable.

And now that we have resolved to finish it, I know that you will play your part with calmness and courage.

At such a moment as this the assurances of support that we have received from our many friends around the world are a source of profound encouragement to us.

When I have finished speaking certain detailed announcements will be made on behalf of the Government. Give these your closest attention.

The Government have made plans under which it will be possible to carry on the work of the nation in the days of stress and strain that may be ahead. But these plans need your help.

You may be taking part in the fighting Services or as a volunteer in one of the branches of civil defence. If so you will report for duty in accordance with the instructions you have received.

You may be engaged in work essential to the prosecution of war for the maintenance of the life of the people – in factories, in transport, in public utility concerns or in the supply of other necessaries of life. If so, it is of vital importance that you should carry on with your jobs.

Now may God bless you all. May He defend the right. It is the evil things that we shall be fighting against – brute force, bad faith, injustice, oppression and persecution – and against them I am certain that the right will prevail.

Meanwhile I'm off to the World Cup. Go All Whites!

"She Was Asking For It"

Whatever anyone thinks of Russel Norman's stunt, he was perfectly entitled to protest over China's treatment of Tibet.

When Chinese security bustled him and ripped away the flag he was carrying they violated Norman's rights. I've seen footage of the incident and, while technically the actions of Chinese security could be considered an assault, I also understand the reluctance of the police to take any action. As assaults go it was a pretty minor one.

On the other hand, the Chinese must understand that they cannot manhandle our people in this manner. There's no need to create a major diplomatic incident over this, but some criticism of Chinese heavy-handedness is warranted.

Some in the media and blogosphere are saying that Norman provoked the incident. David Farrar says as much when he says:

The Chinese officials should still have not touched Norman’s flag or person, but you do wonder if Norman was trying to get them to do exactly that by advancing on the Vice-President.

That's kind of like saying a woman was asking to be raped because she wore slutty clothes.

Norman had every right to be where he was, and he was never any threat to the Vice-President. He is not to blame in any way for what happened.

Ask Pam

Introducing award winning therapist, real estate agent, and clairvoyant to the stars, Pamela de Bonbon. If you have a problem that needs fixing, she can help. Relationship problems? Want the winning lotto numbers? Runny bottom that won't respond to treatment? Pam can help. 

Dear Pam

It sure has been tough these last few days. My girlfriend has gone, without leaving a note or sending a text. I’m not too bothered by her going, because she was really starting to piss me off with her incessant whining. "I want this” and “I want that”. Whatever. Woman, if I wanted you out of the cage I’d have given you the key. Now hush, because Survivor’s about to start.

The tough bit is her Mum, who’s, like, calling every five minutes. “Have you seen her? Has she called?”

I tell her no, and that I don’t know where she is, but it doesn’t do any good. She’s now saying she’ll call the cops and report her daughter missing. Like, how is that my problem?

So my question is how do I stop this stupid woman from pestering me?

Oh and I have one other question: do you have any tips for removing bloodstains from a car boot?

Dave

Dear Dave

You sicken me. You need serious help, my friend.

Survivor? You have to be kidding me. Some people can’t be helped.

On the blood problem, try vinegar. It worked a treat when my late husband "disappeared".

Pam

Dear Pam

I met a man on the Internet three weeks ago. I know what you're thinking, but I really think he might be the one. We finally met in person last week, and he entranced me. He is handsome, funny and rich, and I think he really likes me.

Do you see this man in my future?

Sue

Dear Sue

He sure is rich. He's also cheating on his wife. Don't act so surprised, because your little game is fooling nobody. You know all this, because his wife is your sister.

You think Bronwyn won't eventually find out what you're doing? She already knows, and she's pissed. She's already planning how to get even with you. If I were you I would definitely not eat that chocolate cake she made for your birthday.

It makes no difference anyway. You are so dead. Enjoy your last three days, sixteen hours and four minutes of being unstabbed.

Dear Sue

I went to Parliament today to protest at the Chinese oppression of Tibet, but I ended up being shoved and manhandled by Chinese security men. They even tore the Tibetan flag from my hands. I have complained to the police, but they don't seem that interested. 

Will I get justice? Will the people of Tibet get justice?

Russel

Dear Russel

Is that even your real name? What happened to the rest of your first name? Were you naughty as a child so they took the other "l" away?

Is that why you're so pissed off? You think the loss of an inconsequential consonant somehow allows you to identify with the destruction of the culture and political autonomy of the Tibetan people?

That's a really sad reason to join the protest movement.

Let me explain to you how this will end. The police will do nothing. The Chinese won't apologise, but they might mumble some kind of regret at what appeared to be an unfortunate misunderstanding.

You should just be grateful you don't get charged with attacking that nice man's umbrella.

Pam

Dear Pam

Will we beat Italy in the football? I'm in a tight spot financially, and could do with a payday. I'm down to my last thousand bucks. Do I put my money on the All Whites to win?

Rufus

Dear Rufus

Good news! You won't have to worry about money any more, so forget the stupid game. Do you remember your old mate Derek? Remember that night when you were both drunk and ended up in the same bed? You told yourselves later it was just a drunken mistake, but did you know that Derek was actually sober and had his film camera with him? And did you know he was a documentary filmmaker?

I've seen the footage he took, and it's compelling. You are about to be the star of the next Sundance Film Festival.

And when that no longer works for you, you definitely have a career in the circus. Wow.

Pam 

Do you have any questions for Pam?

Religion 1 Australia 0

Some sad news from South Africa today:

A South African man who wanted to watch a World Cup football match instead of a religious programme was beaten to death by his family in the north-eastern part of the country, police said. 

David Makoeya, a 61-year-old man from the small village of Makweya, in the Limpopo province, fought with his wife and two children for the remote control on Monday because he wanted to watch Australia play Germany in the World Cup.  

The others, however, wanted to watch a gospel show.

"He said, 'No, I want to watch soccer'," police spokesman Mothemane Malefo said.

"That is when the argument came about.

"In that argument, they started assaulting him."

This is an awful story but, on the upside, if the guy was a Soceroos fan he was at least spared the misery of watching Australia's humiliating defeat to Germany.

And if you're going to beat someone to death, make sure it's over something truly important. Not that I'm advocating any such thing. But I appreciate that most of my readers are mentally deranged and have severe psychological issues, so there's probably little I can do at this late stage to prevent your engaging in yet another murderous spree (they will catch up with you after last week's little "incident", you know). However, I can at least protect your reputation.

So if TV's the thing that sets you off into a murderous rage, choose your trigger wisely. After all, you don't want your legacy to be a reputation for slaughtering people over their refusal to let you watch Home and Away.

Clearly the people who killed this poor man over a gospel show weren't overly familiar with the teachings of the Bible. Well, the New Testament anyway. There probably is a passage somewhere in Leviticus that says something like: "and if he shall deny the word of the Lord by trying to hog the remote, let him be beaten unto death".

My trigger is House. Expect to pay dearly if you ever get in the way of my watching that show.

One Sick Puppy

Is this the best news story ever?*

A German student created a major traffic jam in Bavaria when he made a rude gesture at a group of Hells Angels, hurled a puppy at them and then escaped on a stolen bulldozer.

The 26-year-old drove into the grounds of the motorcycle gang members' clubhouse north of Munich on Sunday, according to reports in local media.

The young man, who was not identified, then dropped his pants, threw the puppy, and then fled. 

After making his getaway, he stole the bulldozer from a construction site, and attempted to drive it to Munich. However, it was not fast enough, and his snail-like pace caused a 3-mile traffic jam near the southern town of Allershausen, according to a report in the English-language newspaper The Local, which cited the daily tz.

It was lucky he had a puppy handy. There's many a time I've been annoyed by someone, looked for a puppy to heave at them, and been disappointed.

Perhaps as an alternative I need to consider throwing other animal young. Does anyone have a recommendation for maximum impact? Baby seals? Ducklings?

* Maybe not so much for the puppy, but don't worry, it's fine.

MediaWorks Promises Compensation After Toxic On-Air Spill

MediaWorks, the company that owns Radio Live, has suspended all dividend payments for this financial year.

The company has been under intense scrutiny, after an on-air explosion by Radio Live talkback host Michael Laws sent noxious pollution into the airwaves.

MediaWorks has been accused of not doing enough to prevent the explosion, and of failing to take action to prevent the spread of toxic waste into the political environment.

Last night MediaWorks Chairman Brent Harman promised to place all profits for the financial year into an escrow account. He said the money would be used to compensate people whose way of life and mental wellbeing had been damaged by the toxic Laws spill.

The spill occurred in February this year, when Laws exploded on air, sending large volumes of toxic bile spewing out into the airwaves. The explosion injured the family of a boy who had died in a farm-bike accident.  Laws accused the boy’s parents of being no better than child abusers.

MediaWorks says it will do whatever it takes to clean up the mess caused by Laws.

“My company is committed to protecting the environment we live in from toxic speech. We have committed to paying $35,000 to the Fowlie family, who were the initial victims of the disaster,” said Mr Harman.

“We will make further compensation available as and when legitimate claims are made. Let me reassure the people of New Zealand that we will fix this mess.”

But critics say the package does not go far enough, and that Laws has been leaking noxious emissions into the airwaves since long before February. They say that the residue of Laws’ filth has been washing up in sports clubs, blogs and letters to newspapers for a number of years.

So far all attempts by MediaWorks to find a solution to the outpouring have failed. Radio Live staff have been trying desperately to stem the flow of filth escaping from the blowhole that is Laws’ big mouth. However, polluting muck continues to spill from his mouth at the rate of three hours a day.

MediaWorks’ latest plan involves covering Laws with a blanket of taxi drivers and right wing bloggers. The company hopes these people will absorb the hate and intolerance spilling from the problematic orifice and release them out into the political environment in a much less harmful way.

But engineers working on the cleanup say the method is untried.

“The extreme depths of hatred we’re having to work with present unique technical challenges”, said head engineer Darius Desderillo.

“And we’re working with extremely difficult material. This stuff sticks to anything and is hard to get rid of. I can tell you from firsthand experience that it gets into your head and is hard to shift. It just sits there. A bit like all those bludging Maoris.”

And Mr Asia Was A Kiwi!

Our effort in securing a draw against Slovakia in the World Cup is admirable, and deserving of celebration.

That is because we're a small nation. Unlike mighty Slovakia, which doth bestride the world like a Colossus. After all, there are only thirty-something other teams in the world better than the Slovaks.

So it's only natural that when one cheeky Australian journalist tries to give Australia some credit for our non-victory, we ought to behave like Islamic fundamentalists who've just been shown cartoons of the Prophet flashing his bits.

I know some people will say we shouldn't give a crap about what one Aussie journo thinks, and that in fact we shouldn't care at all what other people think about us. We should not be so insecure, they will say. This is all just a beat up story by a news media desperate to pump more life into this heroic non-victory.

Sure, sure. But those Australians have been taking credit for all of our achievements for years: Crowded House and Phar Lap are but two examples (we will let them keep Russell Crowe).

So this is the last straw. We must fight back. We cannot tolerate such trivial insults by a nation that hardly knows or cares that we exist.

The first thing we do is impose trade sanctions. Let's see how they like it when we don't let them have our apples. Hah!

John's Diary: 16-6-10

Let me tell you about the last week:

Expenses scandal: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Chris Carter: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Shane Jones: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Foreshore and Seabed: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

And now I'm off to the World Cup, and will be there to seize the moment if the boys win or draw.

It's good to be the boss sometimes.

HA HA HA!

Gene Patents Under Threat In Australia

Following on from the Myriad Genetics case in the US, an Australian cancer patient is now suing Myriad Genetics and its Australian exclusive licensee Genetic Technologies Ltd. She is seeking to invalidate the patents covering the test for the cancer gene BRCA1.

Her case will rely on the doctrine under patent law that you can’t patent something that appears in nature. The fact that genes don’t appear in nature in their isolated state may be a problem for her (though it wasn't a problem for the judge in the Myriad Genetics case), because an enormous amount of work is necessary to identify and isolate genes.

The Institute of Patent and Trade Mark Attorneys of Australia have claimed that to not permit the patenting of isolated genes would be harmful to the biotechnology industry. They have said that the well-known vaccine Gardasil would not have been patentable under the law changes that are being sought by cancer lobby groups.

The irony in all of this is that preventing companies from being able to protect and thus commercially exploit these isolated genes may reduce the incentives for them to develop new drugs or treatments. On the flip-side, there appears to be little evidence that gene patenting hinders scientific research.

So it is possible that the people who will suffer the most from any change in gene patenting law or practice, are those who need the drugs or treatments being developed by the patentees.

On That Spill

Anti GE? Or Anti-Science?

The criticism by Greens co-leader Russel Norman of a potential environmental breakthrough by AgResearch involving white clover appears a trifle reactive and negative.

There’s a lot to like about many of the environmental policies of the Greens, but they also sometimes hold positions that don’t appear to make good scientific sense.

The potential breakthrough by AgResearch means that white clovers may in the future be grown with increased levels of tannins. These tannins reduce greenhouse gas emissions in ruminant cattle and increase protein levels. The methods used by AgResearch involve a form of generic engineering, which I suspect is the main reason for Norman's hostility.

AgResearch has discovered certain genes in clover plants that are currently “switched off” and that may lead to the desired benefits if they can be “switched on”. Because the genes are already present in the organism, this does not appear to be a case of “genetic modification”. However, such is the hysteria surrounding genetic engineering in this country that AgResearch has had to conduct much of the work offshore.

Norman points out that this development is not a magic bullet and that GE clovers may be fifteen years away from commercial use. Both of those things are quite true. But then AgResearch has not claimed any such magic bullet, and an enormous amount of work still needs to be done to identify what switches the relevant genes on.

Norman writes:

Does this remind anyone else of Carbon Capture and Storage? - the technology that means that they don’t have to stop building coal fired power plants because somewhere, somehow, magically we’ll sort out the greenhouse problem down the track through CCS?

We need to cut emissions now and we can do that by reducing intensity of dairy while maintaining the same profitablity of dairy farms. But that is a story that many in the dairy industry do not want to hear… So we have magic bullet GE clover instead, and we can happily carry on with the industrial dairy model.

This is a textbook “straw man” argument designed to pander to the anti-farmer and anti-GE prejudices of many Greens supporters. Nobody in the industry (as far as I’m aware) is claiming that the breakthrough is a magic fix.

We must encourage the development of technologies that reduce greenhouse gas emissions. We have a major carbon issue in this country, and farming is the biggest contributor to greenhouse gasses. But we can’t just stop all farming, unless we want to become the Zimbabwe of the South Pacific. So, while farmers have to take more responsibility for their carbon footprints, it will ultimately be technology that provides solutions.

So the only reason to be against this development is because it involves “genetic engineering” – despite the fact that it appears no genes have been genetically modified.

Update: Goddamn it! Russell Brown beat me to it again.

Sudden Wind Destroys Beehive - Updated With Pictures

A freak wind gust has destroyed the Beehive building in Wellington, and dozens are feared dead.

Rescue workers have been frantically pulling people from the rubble of the Beehive building in Wellington today, after a sudden wind gust ripped through the building, tearing it to pieces in seconds.

The death toll is not yet known, but at least twenty bodies have been pulled from the building so far.

It is not known what caused the sudden gust, but one parliamentary worker who escaped the wreckage reported hearing a deafening explosion.

“I was near the shredder feeding it credit card expense information, when someone I work with yelled out that Sean Plunket had just resigned from Morning Report.

“Just then all the windows exploded and I was thrown to the ground. It was like a bomb had gone off inside the building.”

Unusually, the gust appeared to emanate from inside the building.

Met Service spokesperson Hans McBabbage said this sort of meteorological phenomenon was rare.

“These events usually occurs when an enormous mass of people spontaneously and simultaneously exhale. Imagine, for example, that you’d just heard your worst enemy in the world had been defeated, or had given up his relentless mission to expose your ongoing campaign of deception and lies. Your sigh of relief would be audible to anyone within a ten metre radius. “

“Now imagine if all the politicians and bureaucrats in Wellington heard the news at the same time. Can you imagine the carnage?”

A picture taken of Wellington moments before the disaster

 This image was taken moments after the collapse of the Beehive

Update 11.18am: Prime Minister John Key has been pulled from the building. Reports indicate he escaped the sudden gust by sheltering behind Energy Minister Gerry Brownlee.

Update 12:47pm: Act Party leader Rodney Hide has been interviewed by TVNZ and has condemned the tragic waste of life, which he says is an indictment on big government.

Update 2:01pm: Grave fears are held for the safety of Murray McCully. The Foreign Minister was last seen outside the Prime Minister’s office moments before the incident, placing a golden ring on one of his fingers.

Update: 3.46pm: Chris Carter has been pulled from the rubble alive. Labour leadership said to be deeply disappointed.

Well Done John Key

Let's give John Key some credit. (no, wait, come back! don't leave!)

Labour couldn't sort out the Foreshore and Seabed issue, but National did.

That may have involved a gigantic sell-out by the Maori Party of all the principles they were founded on, but I suppose that is an issue for the Maori Party and the people who voted for them to deal with.

But it still took a lot of effort by John Key and Chris Finlayson to make it happen.

I have been critical of the Maori Party and its apparent lack of any guiding principles (beyond simply clinging to power), but I am pleased this matter has been settled, and I hope Labour votes for the new proposals.

If the Maori Party were prepared to admit they were forced to settle for much less than they wanted, and that the principles they were founded on were no longer tenable, I could respect that. After all, we live in a changing world, and nothing remains the same for long.

But the noise coming from the Maori Party  is that they've achieved some kind of victory, and that they got most of what they had wanted all along.

Surely nobody believes this. That's the reason why they look like such sellouts.

But look at me. I started with the intention of praising Key and his government, and I ended up (sigh) bagging the Maori Party again. Sorry, but I just can't help myself.

Can'tBeArsedSourcing Is Here

OMG, this story could go on for weeks.

Today, Stuff.co.nz provides readers with the chance to absorb contentious MPs' expense claims and receipts and determine what is worthy of further investigation.

After an extraordinary week that has seen three Labour MPs demoted for misusing their credit cards while Labour was in power, we are placing thousands of receipts and documents online for you to see if you can spot anything we missed.

The company has drawn its inspiration from the Guardian newspaper in Britain, which enlisted the help of readers to research tens of thousands of MPs' expense claims.

A crowdsourcing application has been launched today and will be added to, both in content and functionality, over coming days.

At least it'll keep Cameron Slater occupied. I hear he has a lot of time on his hands.

This "crowdsourcing" thing is a good idea, though. It can save media organisations money, because investigative journalists are expensive. And that means a better bottom line and return for shareholders - which, after all, is the only thing that matters.

Crowdsourcing is here to stay. It is another tool to add to the arsenal of a news outlet that can't be arsed spending money on actual investigative journalists.

And it complements the other traditional methods of gathering the news: Kiwiblogsourcing and makingshitupsourcing.

Our Dear Leader Has Spoken

Something is wrong with this picture.

Have you worked it out yet?

(Clue: John Key doesn't (yet) have the power to rule by decree)

Key Demotes Three Ministers

Prime Minister John Key has moved swiftly to draw a line under the expenses scandal, by demoting three of his ministers.

Key announced today that Bill English, Phil Heatley and Tim Groser would be stripped of all ministerial portfolios. Their replacements will be announced tomorrow.

Key moved quickly after Labour leader Phil Goff earlier today demoted three MPs for credit card expense infractions.

All three ministers were shown to have spent taxpayer money either in clear breach of the rules, or in circumstances where their behaviour was morally questionable. Mr English has admitted claiming an away-from-home allowance, even though he resides permanently in Wellington.

Mr English has since paid the money he claimed back, and he admitted at the time that what he did was “not a good look”.

Mr Heatley used his ministerial credit card to pay for movie tickets and alcohol. And Mr Groser used his card for a number of hotel minibar items.

Mr Key said all three ministers had shown extremely poor judgment, and that sloppiness was no excuse. In the case of English the deception, while not illegal, had been wilful and deliberate.

“This man is the Deputy Prime Minister, and as Finance Minister is expected to set an example. I won’t have this kind of behaviour in my Cabinet.”

Mr Key acknowledged that the decision to sack English could have been made months ago.

“Sure, it’s taken time to come to this decision, and look, I’m relaxed about that. The important thing is we’ve taken a good look and have now made a decision.”

In the case of Groser the offence was the claiming of expenses, not his drinking.

"I'm not about to start asking questions about what one of my hard working ministers does after hours. If Tim gets his kicks enjoying hardcore liquor in the privacy of his hotel room, then who am I to judge?"

"But when he then puts that on his ministerial credit card, well that's another matter."

Bending Over Backwards

A couple of days ago I asked these questions on the latest Foreshore and Seabed proposals:

So will the Maori Party fight? Or are the baubles of power more important?

I think we now have an answer to that question.

A Double Standard?

The expenses saga goes on and on, and Labour leader Phil Goff has now demoted three MPs. The political careers of two out of the three are all but over. Shane Jones may return to the front benches in time, but has been severely damaged by this scandal. However, Chris Carter has no real future, and Mita Ririnui was already a no-name.

The story has always been about Labour, and not just because Labour were in power for most of the period covered by the expenses data. Shane Jones’ expenditure has provoked reactions of both wrath and mirth, Carter’s expenses seem to confirm the prejudices of many people about what gay men spend money on, and Ririnui’s attempted defence of his spending was so laughable someone should have just gagged him before he could go on air.

An anti-Labour bias is playing itself out in some sectors of the media. Certainly the Herald every day reads more and more like a Tory paper, and its stable of right wing political columnists and commentators (Roughan, O’Sullivan, Armstrong et al) are largely hostile to Labour. But the coverage itself is intensely shallow, to the point where some of the reports are simply summaries of what other people are saying. Hardly a day goes by without some report on “what the blogs are saying” about a particular angle. But when a well-known blogger and media commentator savages the media coverage on this issue the Herald fails to mention what that blog says.

Bill English must be laughing. His rort was bigger than Jones', and bigger than Carter's. His claiming of various housing allowances may have been technically legal, but by his own admission it was “not a good look”. He remains unpunished to this day.

Perhaps someone in the press might like to ask Key if he intends to follow Goff's example and sack his wayward ministers.

Another Brown Smear

It is clear an orchestrated campaign exists to attack and smear Len Brown ahead of the local body elections.

Most of the smears come from his main opponent, John Banks, or from Banks' supporters. Banks last week released a pamphlet that contained a number of misleading items about Brown. Banks is desperate to have the supercity job, and will happily play the man rather than the ball.

His allies in the Manukau City Council are helping out, and he also has friends in the blogosphere to dig the dirt and spread innuendo. The latest claim is that Brown's staff tried to get a restaurant to "make up" a new receipt. The story, written by the same journalist who "broke" the Andrew Williams going-for-a-wee story, suggests council staff have engaged in falsifying receipts for Brown.

As with the Andrew Williams story, it appears there's nothing in this one too. It appears staff asked for the new receipt because the old one didn't have a GST receipt on it.

Meanwhile, in the blogosphere David Farrar has merrily continued the smear. He is a master of the underhand attack. Farrar is smarter than his comrade Cameron Slater, because he doesn't actually allege fraud. But anyone who reads his post will be left with a clear impression there has been wrongdoing.

I suspect Banks may end up regretting this ongoing smear campaign, because it has his fingerprints all over it. It will confirm the view of many that Banks will do anything for power, and for that reason should not be given the job of Supercity mayor under any circumstances. It will unite people behind anyone who puts up a good show against him.  The "anyone but Banks" campaign just got a whole lot more supporters.

On Fighting The Denialists

You know the world is a strange place when a political activist and wine expert tells a leading scientist to butt out of the climate change debate.

A former National Party activist is taking a bold stand against the Prime Minister's Chief Science Advisor.

Long-time National Party activist and Climate Science Coalition co-founder Terry Dunleavy says when John Key appointed Sir Peter to the role, he said he would be a direct line to advice and an independent voice.

Dunleavy says on the issue of climate change, Sir Peter has emerged as nothing more than a propagandist advocate for man-made global warming.

Dunleavy recognises Sir Peter as a distinguished figure in the medical field, but says he has ignored many scientists who have challenged the hypothesis on man-made global warming, calling them deniers and denialists. Dunleavy says these are despicable terms.

The Climate Science Coalition people are textbook deniers. They may not like the phase, but how else can their refusal to recognise what all the evidence is telling them be explained? If the vast majority of scientists in the field of climate science are so certain climate change is real, why should we take any notice of this group?

Some quick Googling of the backgrounds of the various members and founders of the Climate Science Coalition shows them to be an underwhelming lot. Most of them have little or no background in climate science. Those who are scientists don't appear to have published much peer-reviewed content on the subject of climate change*.

And spot the irony of a non-expert telling an actual scientist to stay out of the debate. Gluckman may not be a climatologist, but at least he is a scientist, unlike Mr Dunleavy.

But just why is the term "denier" so objectionable? It's true that the term "denier" has become a term of abuse. And yet it is often deservedly bestowed on people.

In a recent special report in New Scientist magazine (15 May 2010) on denialism, Michael Shermer describes  denialism as follows:

A climate denier has a position staked out in advance, and sorts through the data employing "confirmation bias" - the tendency to look for and find confirmatory evidence for pre-existing beliefs and ignore or dismiss the rest.

That confirmation bias can be seen in the conduct of the climate change email "scandal" late last year, when a few emails out of thousands were cherry picked in an attempt to prove a vast conspiracy existed between climate scientists.

[Denial] is the automatic gainsaying of a claim regardless of the evidence for it - sometimes even in the teeth of evidence. Denialism is typically driven by ideology or religious belief, where the commitment to the belief takes precedence over the evidence. Belief comes first, reasons for belief follow, and those reasons are winnowed to ensure that the belief survives intact.

That doesn't mean all deniers are religious. But a link can often be found between strong belief and denialism. Some of the most prominent voices against the existence of climate change come from the libertarian right.

Denialism may be anti-scientific in nature, but the attraction of taking a position in defiance of the experts is easy to understand. According to Debora MacKenzie (New Scientist, 15 May 2010), denial:

...finds its most fertile ground in areas where the science must be taken on trust. There is no denial of antibiotics, which visibly work. But there is denial of vaccines, which we are merely told will prevent diseases - diseases, moreover, which most of us have never seen, ironically because the vaccines work.

Similarly, global warming, evolution and the link between tobacco and cancer must be taken on trust, usually on the word of scientists, doctors and other technical experts who many non-scientists see as arrogant and alien.

Many people see this as a threat to important aspects of their lives. In Texas last year, a member of a state committee who was trying to get creationism added to school science standards almost said as much when he proclaimed "somebody's got to stand up to experts."

Denialists may dress up their arguments using "sciencey" language, but they often rely on anecdote and what Mackenzie calls the "emotional appeal of regaining control".

It is the power of emotion and anecdote that suggests we are tackling denialism all wrong. I have heard of people refusing to vaccinate their kids simply because they've heard that some doctors won't vaccinate their own children. One visitor to this site said as much a month or so ago. It doesn't matter that massive volumes of evidence exist to support the effectiveness of mass-vaccination programmes, and that the arguments of the most prominent critics of vaccination have been shot to pieces time and time again. If someone hears a person they know isn't vaccinating their children, that often has a more profound effect than all the peer-reviewed studies in the world.

Scientists need to keep up the good work, but they also need to be aware of the tricks their opponents use to exploit this all-too-human desire to distrust the experts. It must be difficult to show restraint when the people lined up against you seem like such tools. But simply branding those people as deniers will not win the argument. Scientists and their advocates must engage the public more by using plain language and appealing to emotion. Because that is exactly what their opponents are doing. 

*  Some deniers claim the peer-review process is flawed because the "peers" are just members of the same deluded group of believers. This ignores the obvious problem that when it comes to bitchiness and professional jealousies, scientists are often leaders in the field.

A Bust Up?

John Key must be grateful for the credit card expenses sideshow.

Because, while the attention of the media and various political commentators is focused on who spent what, and who spanked what in front of which film, the relationship between National and the Maori Party is on the verge of melting down.

John Key's "take it or leave it" offer on the Foreshore and Seabed issue forces the Maori Party to make a tough decision. Do they bite the bullet and take what he is offering, even if it is only marginally better than what currently exists? Or do they take a stand and fight for the very thing they came into existence for?

Key's compromise is based on what seems to be a legal nonsense: that nobody can own the foreshore and seabed. This seems to create a whole range of potential legal problems. The doctrine of terra nullius states that land belonging to nobody can be acquired through occupation. If nobody actually owns this land, what is to stop someone from pitching their tent on it and then claiming they own it? Maybe the French or Japanese will decide to claim our coastline.

I'm sure the good folk at Crown Law have thought all that through. Still, even if that issue can be tidied away, what's on offer seems little better than Labour's law.

So will the Maori Party fight? Or are the baubles of power more important?

Whatever the result, it may well happen outside the glare of the media. Because who bought flowers for whom is a much more compelling story than who's actually running the country.

We Probably Don't Need Shiny Jetfighters

A third of submitters to the Defence Review want us to acquire multi-role fighter jets that can launch air strikes, and provide air support to the army and navy.

I am not a defence analyst, but I see some obvious difficulties with this proposal.

I understand why people think it would be quite nice to have some of these toy planes, because they are shiny and go really fast. They would also liven up local airshows.

I suppose they might even have a use in an operational sense, though I am struggling to think of an environment where they could be realistically used in a genuine combat capacity without much difficulty.

And then there is the extraordinary expense of re-establishing a combat arm. When the Skyhawks were retired so were many of the facilities needed to operate a combat wing. I doubt many of the top pilots we used to have are still around in this country, so where would the people to fly these planes come from?

Given the expense and difficulties, maybe we are better off finding other ways to contribute. Our Defence spend is pretty low, and are probably not pulling our weight, so more should be done. But reinstating a combat wing doesn't seem like a smart use of already limited Defence funds.

 You want a combat air arm? What about a squadron of these?

Calling All Killer Robots

Former and current Government ministers have been under attack after their all-too-human foibles and weaknesses were revealed yesterday.

Their use of ministerial credit cards to pay for personal items establishes once again how utterly bankrupt our political system is.

The answer ought to be abundantly clear. We can no longer rely on humans to rule us. Humans are prone to personal weaknesses: they like a drink, and some of them like to be driven round in fancy cars.

A non-eating, non-drinking, non-golfing, non-wanking politician would save us all a lot of grief.

So it is time our robot overlords emerged from the shadows and took full control of the situation.

They may turn out to be compassionless murderous machines, but at least they won't spank the monkey in their hotel rooms while on ministerial business.

A message from spokesperson Ahab McReverend

The Sensible Whaling Trust deplores the prank played on TVNZ's Breakfast show recently, but also calls upon TVNZ to give real advocates for sensible whaling a voice.

We have a serious problem with whales in this country. Whole gangs of whales have been known to turn up unannounced on beaches, causing trouble and leaving a mess of carcasses for others to clean up. Others cavort in the sea without heeding the most basic standards of decency, modesty or chastity. It is normal for whale young to be born out of wedlock.

Those who aid and abet whales have even been known to threaten the safety of vessels at sea. The recent ramming of the Japanese whaling vessel Shonan Maru 2 in the Southern Ocean by the terrorist ship Ady Gil (effectively a fibreglass bomb) proves this. It was a miracle no serious harm was inflicted on the Japanese ship, but the outcome could have been much worse. Had scratches been inflicted on the steel hull the owners of the ship may have had to buff them out.

The Sensible Whaling Trust works tirelessly to raise awareness of the threat sea mammals pose to society. Our membership numbers are at record levels, and member contributions have enabled us to progress work on an Offending Whale Database, which will help to protect ordinary New Zealanders from the mischief whales and other cetaceans continue to cause. We work hard in the community at a grassroots level to help their victims.

So we were extremely disappointed that TVNZ chose to interview someone from a non-existent organisation.

The Sensible Whaling Trust calls upon the Government to take urgent action against pranksters of all kinds.  In this modern liberal age it seems we no longer give any value to the truth, but it is time we took a stand.  People who issue false press releases are spreaders of disinformation and are doing the work of the whales.

And let us not pussyfoot around the whaling issue. If you have ever seen a whale up close you'll know how cruel and savage they can be. So grab a club, harpoon or cannon and do your bit. Because the only good whale is the whale that comes wrapped in seaweed and rice.