The 2010 Imperator Fish New Year Dishonours List

You're probably sick to death of all those retrospectives. Every time you pick up a newspaper or glance at a news site you're being bombarded with "best of/worst of 2010" stories.

Well I don't have any "best of" perspective to offer. 2010 has not been a vintage year for most. The economy continues to slide, our leaders appear to either not know or care how to arrest this slide, and a succession of disasters have hit us.

For people in the South Island the year has been especially awful: first the collapse of the Allan Hubbard house of cards, followed by the Canterbury earthquake, the Southland storm and then Pike River. God has not been kindly to those on the Mainland.

The end of 2010 brings the New Years Honours List. There are many worthy people on this year's list, such as Ray Avery, Alison Holst and the like. Garth George has also been awarded membership of the New Zealand Order of Merit. He was probably as surprised as the rest of us. Surely he would have been expecting no more than a military award this year, after letting Defence Force staff ghost-write one of his columns.

Anyway, I missed out again. If they were giving awards out for services to snide, sarcastic and bitter blogging you would now be calling me "sir". Alas, it appears they are not. So I will have to create my own New Years List.

So here is the inaugural Imperator Fish New Year Dishonours List. 

New Zealand Order of the Rotten Fish (NZORF)

The pre-eminent award. Only twenty truly rancid people can at any time be the holder of this honour. All award recipients are entitled to use the title "The Truly Awful" before their name. If they don't do so I probably will. 

God, for services to disasters, both natural and man-made. Earthquakes in Haiti and Christchurch, Pike River, financial ruination across the world. If there's trouble He's been there. Shame on you, God, shame on you! 

Michael Laws, for services to being the second most repellent individual in New Zealand. 

New Zealand Order of the Slightly Rotten Fish (NZOSRF)

There are three ranks to this order. They are listed below, from highest to lowest. All award recipients are entitled to use the title "The Slightly Rancid" before their name.

Grand Poobah (GPNZOSRF) 

David Garrett, for services to the promotion of thriller novels by UK hack writers.

Paul Quinn, for services to unprecedented mediocrity. Not only did his bill to disenfranchise prisoners almost end up giving already-disenfranchised prisoners back their vote, but he had nothing intelligent to say about the proposed law or why it was needed.

Lesser Poobah (LPNZOSRF)

Phil Goff, for services to not being noticed except when screwing up.

Dame Poobah (DPNZOSRF)

Pansy Wong, for services to China-New Zealand business relations. Did she, didn't she? We'll probably never know whether she broke the rules. Most of us never really cared and have almost forgotten her already.

Companion of the Order of the Despot (COD)

This award goes to the person or persons who most threatened our democracy and the rule of law. 

Gerry Brownlee, for services to the overnight suspension of constitutional arrangements that were developed carefully and gradually over centuries of conflict, crisis and civil war. But as if that was not enough, as Leader of the House showing contempt towards the institution by the unprecedented use of urgency measures to push through non-urgent legislation. For these stellar achievements Fairfax Media ranked him second best in their Lawmaker of the Year ratings. Jesus wept.

Officer of the Order of the Hobbit (OOH)

This honour is given to those who have contributed significantly to New Zealand's reputation as the home of epic fantasy.

Don Brash, for services to fantasy writing. Personally I found Mr Tolkein's Mordor only slightly more frightening than the fantasy world Brash created in his last 2025 Taskforce report. 

Chris Carter, for services to the entire fantasy genre. Carter attempted a one-man coup against Phil Goff and then expressed astonishment that his gross disloyalty was punished. Think Saruman, but a slightly dopier version, and without any special powers. 

Ian Wishart, for services to science fiction. Climate change denial, creationism and creating mine rescue plans are all in a day's work for our Ian.

Member of the Order of the Ostrich (MOO)

This award goes to those prominent persons whose response to difficulty has been to place their heads in the sand. 

John Key, for services to doing nothing. His ability keep smiling while our economy continues its gradual descent down the OECD rankings will surely see him re-elected in 2011. If blandness and lack of imagination are virtues in our leaders, then surely Key is one of the greatest. When asked by the Herald what his favourite hobby was, he said "golf". Yawn. 

Officer of the Order of Self Entitlement (OOSE)

Awarded to those outstanding persons who hold themselves out as being more important than the rest of us. 

Mark Hotchin, for services to the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Hotchin continues to have the lifestyle of a Saudi prince while those he screwed over continue to suffer. 

Paul Henry, for services to thinking he should be able to say what he likes, however odious, and that we who pay his salary should just shut up. 

Member of the Order of the Machine Gun (MOMG)

A military award, for reckless bravery in the field of battle. 

Peter Hodgson, for services to finally landing a hit. If you spray enough bullets around you'll eventually hit your target. You'll probably also end up putting a few bullets into those close to you, and into your own foot. 

Rank Hypocrisy Medal (RHM)

For having principles, and then putting them aside then they don't suit. 

Garth McVicar, for services to holy war against criminal offenders, unless they stab to death brown kids, or steal the identity of a dead child.

Glad I'm Not Deciding, Glad Some Others Aren't Too

We know that our SAS forces have been involved in a raid in Afghanistan, a raid in which two Afghani security guards were killed.

There are different accounts of what happened and of who fired first. What actually occurred is unclear, and it may be difficult to get to the truth. It may be a cliche, but in war the truth is often the first casualty. We should be wary about accepting at face values any of the accounts we hear, both the official ones and the so-called eye-witness accounts.

That hasn't stopped some people on the left side of the blogosphere from leaping in, accusing the SAS of committing murder or of acting negligently. And Keith Locke has again used the event as a pretext to attack our presence in the country.

The conflict in Afghanistan is fraught with difficulty, and there are no easy solutions. The war seems from this distance to be unwinnable, and the best case scenario would appear to involve an eventual negotiated settlement with the Taleban. I don't happen to be an expert in the region's conflicts (though, thankfully, most other commentators are as ignorant as me on the topic), but another potential scenario is the eventual abandonment by the West of the nation, followed by a bloodbath. Neither appear to be particularly attractive options, which makes the moral certainty of many on the left who decry our ongoing involvement so puzzling.

It may be that victory is no longer the main military goal, but rather the objective is "hanging on" long enough to encourage some sort of settlement. If "hanging on" is the goal, then further fighting will be unavoidable. You don't bring an opponent to the bargaining table by retreating. There may be merit in the tactics being adopted by NATO and its allied forces, but I'm not qualified to make an assessment.

Total withdrawal may be the better option, if either victory or a settlement cannot be achieved. But if we withdraw we may well end up wringing our hands as CNN and the BBC broadcast atrocities by the Taleban, and demanding that something be done.

That is why I can't see how so many people who claim to be concerned about the plight of the Afghan people can be so convinced that a total withdrawal is the only answer. What if that withdrawal leads to a frenzy of killing by a resurgent Taleban? How can people have no doubts at all?

I don't know whether our forces should stay or go. I am just grateful that the decision will be made by others.

Too Soon?

The New Zealand Climate Science Coalition has raised questions about the death of member Denis Dutton.

Dutton, an academic, sceptic and renowned contrarian, died on Tuesday aged 66. He was also a foundation member of the Coalition.

However, fears that Dutton's death would be a setback in the Coalition's quest to prove that the evidence of climate change is false, have been downplayed.

Coalition spokesman Terry Dunleavy said that there was no evidence that Dutton had died.

"If you look at the data over an extended period, it shows that Professor Dutton was definitely alive only a few days ago," said Mr Dunleavy.

"It is simply premature to attribute Dutton's recent physical inactivity to the fact that he is deceased. There could be any number of explanations for the anomalies in breathing, heart rate, brain activity and other bodily functions being seen."

Mr Dunleavy said that the evidence of doctors was non conclusive.

"One can hardly be surprised that a medical expert declared death in these circumstances," said Mr Dunleavy.

"Much of his or her training is devoted to ascertaining whether someone has died. These doctors are preconditioned to look for death. The advancement of their careers depends upon it. They can hardly be regarded as impartial experts, can they?"

Mr Dunleany said that it was time that a full review of Dutton's medical data took place, and that the review was taken out of the hands of doctors and medical professionals.

"We would like a full and independent review of all of the data about Dutton's life. It's absurd to just focus on recent days, when if you look over the last sixty-six years a steady pattern emerges of a living, breathing Dutton.

"All we want is an independent review of the data."

Preparing Them For The Fire

During the times of the Inquisition those who subjected people to torture would tell their victims that they inflicted pain for the good of their subject’s soul. All that was needed was for the sinner to confess all and find God’s forgiveness.

This forgiveness often came in the form of a hideous death by fire.

We live in more enlightened times, and we are thankful that the people who torture others in the name of faith generally live in distant lands. But the spirit of the Inquisition has not entirely deserted us.

It is evident in the work of welfare crusader Lindsay Mitchell.  The ACT member is regularly quoted by people on the right who push for welfare reform, and her published articles and blog posts are devoted to saving those who have fallen into the sin of welfare. Like a Grand Inquisitor, she offers salvation and a release from sin, but only if the poor souls in her care are prepared to suffer.

These lost souls, welfare recipients, are morally deficient, and only tough treatment, the removal of benefits, will bring them back into decent society.

Seeing as it was Christmas, a time when many on benefits would have been feeling at their lowest ebb, it was entirely appropriate that our modern day Grand Inquisitor should have taken the opportunity to stoke the fires, branding welfare recipients as child abusers. In an opinion piece in the Herald on Monday (not actually Christmas, but the Christmas Day public holiday nonetheless), she claimed that welfare was a cause of child abuse.

While by no stretch of the imagination wholly explaining the incidence of abuse, the more that 'poor' families are paid to look after their children, the more abuse has occurred or, at least, has been notified and substantiated. More money certainly isn't curing the problem. So perhaps it is time to ask if more money is exacerbating it?

Mitchell didn’t have any actual evidence of causation, but then when have blind faith and evidence ever been comfortable companions? Her answer appears to be to cut benefits and hope that that will do the job. Because we know that welfare is, like, really bad. Child abuse is bad too. So put the two together and it’s obvious isn’t it?

There may well be evidence that children living in beneficiary homes have a higher probability of being abused than those raised in non-welfare environments. I don’t know if studies exist to show that, but even if they do they would only tend to show correlation, not causation.

If anything causes child abuse it’s probably the thing that causes just about every other social problem in this country: poverty. I don’t offer excuses for some of the despicable things people do to kids under their care, but the strain and trauma of living on or under the breadline can make people do things the rest of us consider abhorrent.

Mitchell’s answer appears to be that if we take benefits away from people they will suddenly emerge from the chains of dependency like cleaned-up former junkies, and become more valuable members of society.  Why this should be so, and why they should not end up being even poorer and more troubled, is not explained.  Underwriting this entire argument is also the belief that a large number of people on benefits are simply milking the system. Paula Bennett called it “living the dream”, but Mitchell describes the phenomenon as creating “meal ticket children”.

Why does child abuse and neglect occur? Because the child is 'wanted' at one level, but not at another.

Sometimes they are wanted for the benefits that dependent children bring; priority for housing, extra income, and parental amnesty from being self-supporting.

They are not wanted in the usual sense; loved more than can be expressed or explained. The way children should be loved by their parents and grandparents.

Sometimes the parent's own mental or physical health problems get in the way of unqualified care, but that is another issue.

One that, from a government point of view, needs addressing through the Ministry of Health. But the issue identified here - children as meal-tickets - is a matter for the Minister who assures us she will do anything in her power to prevent the sort of abuse that makes grown-ups cry, if they allow the grim reality to break through their own defence mechanisms.

Meal-ticket children are hostages to their parent's or caregiver's lifestyles.

Terms like “meal ticket” and “lifestyle” make it sound as if being on the DPB is living on Easy Street. But where is the evidence of “lifestyle” beneficiaries? If you listen to enough talkback radio or read enough Kiwiblog then it might, I suppose, become one of those self-evident things where actual evidence isn’t needed because, well, everyone knows it is true, right?

If you repeat a lie enough times it can become a truth – at least to many.

Not content to simply attack beneficiaries, Mitchell then brings race into the equation.

Children have been a source of income in New Zealand for 80 years or more. Unlike the Old Age Pension, Maori were easily able to access the Family Benefit which, with their typically large families, accrued a tidy sum by the 1940s. Enough in some rural communities for the menfolk to knock off work and spend their days drinking and gambling. Which in turn set up the right conditions for domestic disharmony and childhood misery.

It is hard to read the words “typically large families” without concluding that Mitchell’s real problem with Maori (other than the fact that they are lazy) is that they only breed for money, and don’t love their children as much as us whiteys do. There’s an “ism” one could use to label an attitude such as Mitchell’s, but I won’t use it.

Blaming the Family Benefit on the poverty and social problems experienced by Maori is missing the point entirely. If you strip a people of their economic base, destroy much of their societal structure and pursue assimilationist policies towards them over decades, then it’s entirely possible that the mess you end up creating might be of your own making.

It is no surprise that Mitchell cannot see how the very policies she and her ACT colleagues advocate may in fact make rates of abuse worse. How can stripping the poor of money, taking away what little dignity they have, and telling them again and again how worthless they are end well? If you treat someone like an animal and kick them repeatedly, don’t be surprised if they behave like an animal.

But none of this will be of any importance to Mitchell and other welfare reform zealots. The Grand Inquisitor whose faith is unquestioning understands that only through the infliction of pain will the sinner be brought back to God.

Let their souls be saved, and then we’ll burn them.

In the meantime let Mitchell be added to my Hall of Shame.

No Early Christmas for Bain As Settlement Bid Falls Flat

The Government probably didn’t waste too much time in rejecting a settlement proposal by the legal team of David Bain.

According to the Herald, the proposal was for an amount to be paid to Bain in settlement of any claim Bain would have for wrongful imprisonment.

The trouble is that to be entitled to compensation Bain would need to effectively prove his innocence. Without wishing to pre-judge the strength of any compensation claim, that would seem a tough task. It may be a reflection of the tough battle Bain faces that his team have made the bid to settle, even though they must have known it would almost certainly be rejected.

The rejection is appropriate and right, not because Bain may not be innocent, but because the thing about justice is that it must be seen to be done. A deal done behind closed doors without a review of all the evidence would leave many believing that a murderer just got rewarded for his ill deeds. Many remain convinced that Bain killed his family.

The desire of Bain’s legal team to spare the taxpayer a lot of money is laudable. However, cost should not be a primary driver when issues of justice are concerned.

Why I Don't Write

Please forgive this hack if the quality of my work takes a hit over the next week or two (yes, it could actually get worse), but I really am unable at present to summon the enthusiasm to write very much.

My disinclination to write may have something to do with being on holiday and doing pretty much nothing. Nothingness can quickly multiply into more nothingness, until there is so much nothingness in my world that I am at risk of being sucked into a vacuum.

The other contributing factor towards my general post-Christmas laziness is the lack of anything interesting going on in the world to get cross over. Oh, sure, there is stuff actually going on. Like earthquakes, murders and car crashes. But my general reaction to such tragedies is pretty much the same as anyone else's. Whether it is sadness, moral outrage or shock, it doesn't make for good blogging material unless it is something I have a particular view on.

This time of year provides us with the very worst in TV entertainment, together with numerous "best of" and "worst of" articles in the newspapers. I can only speculate that these articles become so predominant at this time of year because most of the journalists and politicians are on holiday, and these things can be written in advance. I can't be bothered right now compiling my own "best of" or "worst of" list because, well, that would require effort. And there's no way I could come up with anything as stupid as this.

I imagine that a few more days of sun, the beach and good food and wine might move me to actually engage my brain, but don't count on it.

Merry Christmas And All That

This will probably be my last blog post for a day or two. I suspect that if I even think about breaking away from festivities tomorrow to fire up the PC I will end up in a very bad place.

For those of you whose political views are aligned with my own I wish you a very pleasant and enjoyable Christmas.

For those of you who do not share my views, I hope you have an only mildly satisfying Christmas, one where the joy you experience in the company of your loved ones is tempered by the sudden realisation that your views on so many issues are either wrong or offensive, and that because of you (yes, you!) there is so much suffering in the world. How does that Christmas turkey taste now, huh?

Ah shucks, it's Christmas and I LOVE YOU GUYS!

Good Economic News On The Horizon

We are nearing the end of the year, and the festive season is in full swing. The economic news, however, is grim. GDP figures from the last quarter show a decline of 0.2%, and the Government is not ruling out a drop in the next quarter.

But what can we expect in the medium term from the economy? If you ask any number of economists they will each tell you a different thing. But who is right? Can any of their analyses be relied upon when they seem to be so consistently wrong?

Well I’ve been crunching the numbers and analysing the data too. I may be no economist, but that also means my independence can be relied upon. My survival as an economic forecaster does not rely on a bank or other business organisation.

Here’s what I think we can expect from 2011.

First quarter

The US dollar will dive sharply in January, following an announcement by President Obama that he is nationalising Goldman Sachs and having its executives horsewhipped up and down the length of Wall Street. The Euro will quickly follow, and one by one each of the nations of Europe will go into freefall. People will no longer talk about the PIGS (Portugal, Ireland, Greece and Spain), and will instead refer to the PIGPISSBUMFINGERS (Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Poland, Iceland, Sweden, Switzerland, Belgium, United Kingdom, Monaco, France, Italy, Netherlands, Germany, Estonia, Romania, Spain), which I'm sure you'll agree is much catchier.

By the end of this quarter most people in Europe and the US will be living in rubbish dumps, scrounging like rats for every scrap of protein they can get. A dead dog will be regarded as a banquet, while grass will considered a luxury food item. As ever, the privileged elites will do well for themselves, and will have the pick of the refuse piles.

With the US and Europe destitute, the rest of the world will quickly follow. A series of natural disasters will also add to the misery. Plague, pestilence and drought will sweep across Africa and Asia, and such will be the resultant famine that people will eat the flesh of their own babies to survive. There will be so many corpses piling up in the big cities that they will be burned for warmth.

New Zealand will be largely unaffected, at least initially. We will experience a surge of refugees, but our response will be brutal and coldhearted, and our borders will be closed.

Second quarter

As various tyrants and despots spring up around the rest of the world, trying to take advantage of the power vacuum, our own nation will experience its own economic crisis. With many of our export markets suddenly closed, we will experience a sharp decline in the New Zealand dollar, and our currency will soon be worthless. A wheelbarrow will be the only practical way you can shift your cash.

The Prime Minister will seek and get extraordinary powers from Parliament to address the situation. Unfortunately, he will be assassinated, stabbed with a pair of scissors by an anarchist posing as a hairdresser. His deputy will take control but will be ineffectual and will be deposed in a military coup. An early election will be called, and the Communists will sweep to power.

Meanwhile in the South Island a religious mystic from Hokitika will start causing trouble for the authorities. He will gather a huge flock of followers around him and will then lead them on a march to Wellington. His followers, overcome by religious mania, will flagellate themselves, and will engage in pogroms against Jewish communities living in the towns they travel through. In the end they will be suppressed by police, but many will take their faith underground and continue to plot against the state.

Third quarter

A rare influenza strain will kill a third of the world’s population. Auckland will be hit particularly hard. This will impact on the manufacturing and services sectors, who will be plagued by labour shortages. But some service providers, such as funeral directors, will experience extraordinary business growth.

Fourth quarter

We will win the Rugby World Cup by default, because no other team will show up. Even so, the mood across the nation will be buoyant, until a huge Tsunami sweeps away much of the lower North Island.

The ragged survivors will rally courageously, and will marshal their resources in order to rebuild their communities. However, while deciding how to best apply their few remaining resources they will put what little they have into first ranking secured debentures with a finance company, in order to earn some interest, and will lose everything.

Just before the end of the year we will discover an underground mountain of diamonds in the Southern Alps that will overnight make us the richest nation on the planet.

Summary

So, in summary, it looks as if by the end of 2011 we’ll be back on the road to prosperity. Good times are ahead!

My Gift To You

Dear readers,

I know this is a busy time of year for you, but I also know you’ve been struggling over what to get me for Christmas. So I thought I should write a gift list. Consider it my gift to you.

It might seem presumptuous to even think you’re planning to buy me a gift, but I know for a fact that, were it not for my regular blog posts, your life would be in a very dark place indeed. The various ailments, criminal charges and financial indiscretions you struggle with on a daily basis would bring down most people. But then you’re not most people. Luckily for you, nor am I.

It doesn’t bother me a bit that this site has not won any awards, or that my daily traffic is not in the tens of thousands of hits like it should be. I know all of these things should be happening, and that I ought to be regularly interviewed on the radio and TV for my opinions on the matters of the day. I’m not at all bothered by the fact that Women’s Day still hasn’t returned my calls.

Still, a bit of recognition and gratitude wouldn’t go astray, would it?

But you can make a difference. That’s why I’m writing this post, and why I put the list together.

I’m not greedy enough to suggest that you should get me everything on the list, but I’m sure one of my clever computer-programmer readers can create an online list so that people can put their names against the gift they are going to give me. Kind of like an online wedding list, but without the wedding.

Here’s the list.

• Month: I want a month of the year named after me. Julius Caesar and Augustus got their own months, and what did they ever do for anyone? I’m not sure there are any official ways of making this happen. I suspect it will just take lots of lobbying, and a huge publicity campaign.
• Immunity from prosecution: I want one of those “get out of jail free” cards. If I am strolling along some nice part of town and see a modern European car I like, I want to be able to turf the driver out at the barrel of a gun and drive off, and with no consequences to myself. If someone really annoys me, I want to know that I have complete freedom to deal with them as I please, and without having to explain myself to the cops. This is a bit easier than naming a month after me. It just requires you to have a word to Gerry Brownlee, who will pass an Order in Council for you. Actually, come to think of it, Gerry can change the entire calendar by Order in Council.
• Cash: I feel a little vulgar just demanding cash, so here’s what I’ll do. For every $1000 you send to me I’ll place your name somewhere in a blog post. $10,000 gets your picture posted on this site. $100,000 and I’ll rename my site for a day to anything you want. That way you get something in return.
• Veneration: If I want people to adore me and prostrate themselves in my presence, that doesn’t mean I’m vain. Maybe I am actually the son of God. How can you be sure I’m not? I may not care much for all the trappings that come with being a Messiah, but if I am to be respected and feared I must keep up with the Jehovahs. So what I’d really like this Christmas is to walk into a crowded room and have everyone swoon. And preferably due to awe and general religious mania, rather than as a result of chemicals being sprayed on them.
• A knighthood: It’s the least you lot can do for me. I really would like to be a Duke, but let’s get the knighthood out of the way this year. I can move into the aristocracy next Christmas.
• An island: Preferably somewhere pleasant and tropical. Just not Pitcairn.
• An Amosu diamond-encrusted Iphone: This is a steal at only £15000. So go and steal it for me.
• A slave army: I don’t know about you, but sometimes just getting out of bed can be a drag. Imagine having litter-bearers who could just carry you about, bed and all, and having armed thugs who could clear the path when something annoying was blocking in your way, like an orphanage or convent. I think Gerry might be able to organise this one too, though there could be some tricky constitutional issues to grapple with (the whole slavery thing might get some people’s noses out of joint. You know how sensitive some people can get about human rights).

So get to work, people. You’ve only got two sleeps until Christmas, so you’ve left it rather late.

On the other hand, I know it’s not easy organising gifts when you’re in the slammer. It’s just lucky your bail hearing went so well, and that the star prosecution witness had that terrible accident. I'm always telling people not to play with machetes.

The Greatest Love Of All

I don’t generally link to that Whaleoil chappie’s blog, but today is an exception. Take a look at this.

What are we to make of this?

It would appear that Mr Slater is undergoing a metamorphosis and is in the process of transforming into a beautiful butterfly.

The other alternative is that Danyl has hacked his blog.

Trouble In NZ Cricket?

Mark Geenty of the Dominion Post reports:

John Wright's tenure as national coach has had a rocky start, with cricket boss Justin Vaughan forced to over-rule Brendon McCullum's omission from the Twenty20 squad to face Pakistan.

McCullum's name was added to the squad yesterday after Vaughan, the NZC chief executive, intervened when he became aware McCullum was upset at being sidelined without a fitness test.

The Dominion Post understands the selection panel of Mark Greatbatch, Glenn Turner and Lance Cairns, along with new coach Wright and captain Daniel Vettori, decided to omit McCullum from the three-match series due to his back soreness, so he would be fit for the first test in Hamilton on January 7.

A source said the explosive batsman was "devastated" after being told of his omission by Greatbatch, and this was conveyed by an unknown person to Vaughan on Tuesday.

One has to wonder how the collective wisdom of so many great past and present players (between the selectors, the captain and coach they have 310 test caps, 615 ODI caps 15327 test runs and 10721 ODI runs) can be overruled by someone who, while a handy cricketer in his time, failed to make a lasting impression (6 tests, 18 ODIs, a batting average in both codes of about 18, and 26 wickets in total).

NZ cricket clearly has problems, and especially with the quality of our one-day and T20 sides. But this is not simply because we lack quality players. The problems may go deeper. The interference by management with what should be purely a selection decision suggests there are problems at the top. Shouldn’t we be leaving selection decisions to the guys who are, well, selectors?

Always Shoot First

Police Association President Greg O'Connor has said that the Government's decision to decline the Chinese bid to buy the Crafar Farms is further evidence that the police should be armed.

The Overseas Investment Office recommended that the application by Natural Dairy be declined. The Office cited concerns about the character of May Wang, the front person for the bid by Natural Dairy for the Crafar farms.

But the outcome of the OIO application has left the Police Association calling for police to be armed.

The Association's President, Greg O'Connor, said that the decision showed why it was so important for police to have access to firearms.

"If frontline police were armed then they would feel safer," said Mr O'Connor. "That fact virtually screams out if you read the OIO's findings."

Mr O'Connor also said that the spate of Christmas shopping was further proof that it was time to re-look at the issue of giving weapons to police.

"Why does every kid want a Nerf gun this Christmas? Because they don't feel safe and want to protect their family from the scumbags who roam our streets. If police were armed those streets would be safer, and our children could get back to doing the things they really love, like playing dress-ups, squashing ants and eating their own poo."

The Police Association has also produced evidence from Australia and England in favour of giving weapons to police.  

"The sudden change in the fortunes of the English cricket team shows why it is so important that police have access to firearms," said Mr O'Connor.

"You have to be armed and ready to cope with the unexpected, otherwise you'll be taken down.

"If police were armed they would be able to do their job with more confidence.

"The release of the Defence Force's UFO files should also be forcing politicians to think again. What are these unidentified lights in the sky? Can we really expect our police to feel safe and secure in their job when they don't even know what's overhead?

"If police were armed they could shoot any unidentified object that came towards them."

Gift Duty Ruling Stuns North Pole Resident

The Inland Revenue Department is reminding taxpayers of their obligations to pay gift duty, after an elderly taxpayer was found guilty of tax evasion.

The lawyer for the man, who has interim name suppression,  has said his client will appeal the decision.

The ruling came after the IRD discovered a trail of undeclared gifts by the man stretching across many years.

Although the man is not a resident of New Zealand, tax laws mean that because the gifts took place in New Zealand, gift duty remains payable.

The man, understood to be a resident of the North Pole, reportedly gave thousands of gifts to strangers over a long period.

The man claimed during his trial that he only wanted to bring good cheer to the lives of children, and that his gifting had no purpose other than to bring happiness to the world.

But High Court Justice Sourcraft described the man in his judgment as "calculated and devious. [name redacted] crafted a clever scheme that involved giving thousands of small gifts, rather than fewer larger ones that would attract the attention of the revenue authorities. It is clear to this Court that [name redacted] is a methodical, untrustworthy and fundamentally dishonest man."

The man is due to be sentenced in February, but it is expected that he will be ordered to pay most, if not all, of the $452 million in taxes assessed by the IRD. The offence he has been convicted of is also punishable by a term of imprisonment.

The man's lawyer sought name suppression on the grounds that the defendant was a public figure who was well known to young children. His conviction would cause shock and hurt to many in the community and would destroy his reputation.

Justice Sourcraft declined the name suppression request. But that decision was appealed, and an interim name suppression order remains in place until tomorrow morning, when the issue goes before the Court of Appeal.

Tax partner Roger Nollaby of PriceWaterhouse Coopers said that the ruling was a timely reminder of the need to file gift statements.

"People may think that, just because the government is talking about doing away with gift duty, they don't have to worry about documenting their gifting properly.

"This case shows that they need to think again."

The convicted man was yesterday defiant, and said that he had done nothing wrong.

Speaking outside the courtroom as he was supported by his close friend Lindsay Perigo, the man said "I'm a legitimate businessman. It's ridiculous the red tape one has to cut through to run a business operation in this country. This country's gone to the dogs and is run by socialists.

"In my country we don't have all these stupid laws. I can do as I please, and I don't pay any taxes. The Arctic is the last utopia for true freedom lovers.

"Well then, if that's the way they want to treat me then their kids can forget about getting anything this Christmas. Ho ho f***ing ho!"

Our Man Phil

I’m yet to see anything remarkable come out of the New Zealand WikiLeaks cables. We have learned that various politicians are prone to saying one thing in public, while behind closed doors saying something else. Or so it would appear.

For example, who remembers Chris Finlayson saying anything publicly about just dumping our anti-nukes position without consultation – even if the policy is a relic from the Cold War that is merely symbolic?

I also found intriguing the cable of a meeting between Trade Minister Tim Groser and US official Robert Clark in September last year. 

After asking his two DFAT advisors to leave the room, Groser opened what he termed a frank political discussion. He outlined the political landmines that might befall any trade discussions with the U.S. He described Opposition Leader Phil Goff as a man under ""extreme pressure."" Goff himself is pro-U.S. and moderate, but there is an anti-U.S. component ""at the fringe of the left wing of the Labour Party,"" which seeks to exploit opportunities to replace him. Bringing the U.S. into the TPP could magnify anti-U.S. rhetoric. If Goff remains opposition leader, he should be able to contain this potential. However, if Goff fails and New Zealand is in the middle of negotiations with the U.S., you could suddenly see a ""real anti-American element spring up."" Groser emphasized that the New Zealand Government is trying to manage this process in a ""mature way"" so the opposition will be brought into the process early on to seek their buy-in. Groser, however, expressed his confidence that Goff would remain at the head of the Labour Party and as opposition leader going into the next election.

I could understand why as Trade Minister you would want to reassure the world’s biggest power that the leader of the Opposition is not hostile to that power’s interests. When it comes to trade and foreign affairs I would expect both major parties to be keen to show a united front, and to back each other.  But Groser has gone further than just saying that Phil Goff largely supports the NZ-US relationship. He has also suggested that there are anti-US elements within Labour seeking to replace Goff. This might suggest to a nervous US that under the next Labour government the relationship might be under threat unless Goff is in charge. How do such statements help the national interest?

In any event, Groser’s analysis may be faulty. There may be an anti-US flavor to some of the activism within Labour, but it is not loud, and it is unlikely to have much to do with any eventual challenge to Goff as leader. If anything, Goff has probably moved further to the left with some of his public statements of late concerning matters of defence and foreign affairs, for example regarding the deployment of the SAS in Afghanistan. Goff is in trouble because of his dire polling, and it is hard to see how his being strongly committed to the US relationship would affect his ratings.

It’s also useful to remember that the cables do not provide conclusive evidence of anything said or done by any New Zealand politician. They are reports and summaries prepared by embassy staff and US officials based on their communications with those politicians. That doesn’t mean they don’t provide useful information. But we should be careful about putting too much value on them, because we don’t know how reliable the cables are, and whether they accurately report what was said and done.

Police State? I Wish!

My grandson rang me the other day. He said he would be in Auckland the following week, so why don’t we catch up for coffee?

The trouble was he wanted to meet in the middle of bloody town. He’s up for some flash conference or something, and they’ve put him in a fancy hotel. I’ve never stayed in one of those places, because I’ve got better things to do with my money. When I want to go somewhere for the night I get the old caravan out the back hooked up to the Chrysler and away I go. Mind you, I haven’t left town for twenty years.

Anyway, I had to take the bus into town, and the only reason I knew I’d reached my destination was because the driver told me to get out. I didn’t recognise my location, because it didn’t much look like the central Auckland I remembered.

Nowadays the place looks more like bloody Shanghai, and it’s all ugly concrete and glass. I’m not inclined towards these modern architects and their shiny buildings. Give me a good old-fashioned bit of brick and mortar any day.

I found Queen Street after a few minutes, but couldn’t walk ten feet without some chap or lady accosting me. One fellow said he was collecting and would I contribute? I’m a big supporter of charity, so I asked what his cause was. Animal rights, he tells me.

You must be joking, I exclaimed. Animal what?

Apparently this deluded fellow reckons animals have rights and have to be protected.

Well, young feller, I said to him, pointing my walking cane in his direction. Let me give you a lesson. With rights come responsibilities. Nobody gets something for nothing. Do these animals pay taxes?

I admitted that livestock served a useful purpose. But what about sparrows and budgies, I asked him. What use are they? None, I told him. They bludge. Breed and bludge!

Well that sent the fellow packing. But worse was to come. Some young girl comes up waving a collection bucket my way. Do you know what she told me when I asked what she was supporting? Child cancer, she said. Child bloody cancer!

So if I am not mistaken we have people roaming the streets taking money from well-meaning citizens like myself, but instead of going towards fighting a terrible disease it’s being used to support it!

You can well imagine my reaction. I’m a gentle old soul, but beware anyone who crosses me. I gave her a good whack with my walking cane and told her she was a disgrace to humanity. That’s for all the sick children, I told her, giving her a parting boot as she ran off screaming.

It’s funny how when the local hooligans spray-paint my fence the police don’t seem to give a damn. But let me chastise someone out on the street trying to encourage the spread of a terrible disease among the most vulnerable in society, and it’s like the charge of the bloody Cossacks. So suddenly I’m being escorted by a surly young fellow in uniform into a police car and taken to the nearest station.

They let me off with a warning. A warning! Can you believe the days we live in? My grandson turned up at the station and told me to keep my mouth shut until he had sorted everything out. I complied, but it went against my every instinct. I left with a polite “you’ll be hearing more from me,” but they just snorted. Little do they know the power of the typewriter.

This incident with the police shook me at first. I’ve always been a big supporter of them, and a great believer that you give the police the powers they need to get the job done. That Greg O’Connor fellow seems like a sensible reasonable man, but when I said that to my grandson he damn near exploded and told me O’Connor thinks the police should be above the law.

Well so they should, I argued back. How can we have an obedient populace too afraid to step out of line if the police have to follow the rules too? I told my son he’d been reading too much liberal claptrap in the media. If the police want guns, tasers, tanks or even ballistic missiles I say let them have the lot. Give them the tools they need to crack down on troublemakers.

I suppose every organisation has a bad egg or two, so that’s what I’ll put my own police experience down to. That and the fact that the politically correct times we live in require police to investigate so-called crimes, even against people who advocate the spread of killer diseases.

I’m sure that if our police had complete and unrestrained freedom to do as they pleased my experience with them might have been quite different.

America's Next Top Despot?

So Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is Time’s Person of the Year.  The choice is controversial, and as a big non-fan of the privacy-invading phenomenon that is Facebook, I certainly wouldn’t have had him on my list.

However, being named Person of the Year by Time doesn’t always mean you’re destined for sainthood. A brief review of some of the previous winners is instructive (note: the awards used to be known as “Man of the Year”).

The inaugural winner was Charles Lindbergh, in 1927. Lindbergh was a great flier, but he was also an anti-Semite who appears to have harboured sympathies towards the Nazis (If you get a chance you should read Philip Roth’s The Plot Against America, an alternate history story where Lindbergh becomes President in 1940).

The winner in 1931 was Pierre Laval.  Followers of 20^th century French history will know him best as a Vichy collaborator who was executed in 1945 for treason.

And in 1938 Adolf Hitler himself was Time’s Man of the Year. Then in 1939 it was the turn of that other monster of the 20^th century, Joseph Stalin. Way to go, Time.  To prove they couldn’t get enough of Uncle Joe they gave it to him again, in 1942.

Mohammed Mossadegh, the winner in 1951, was an Iranian Prime Minister so beloved of the US that they overthrew him in a CIA-organised coup two years later.

In 1965 the winner was William Westmoreland, the US general who commanded in Vietnam and who failed utterly to understand the nature of the war he needed to fight for the US to achieve its objectives. Cue a humiliating defeat and withdrawal.

Richard Nixon of Watergate fame won in 1971 and 1972. But he had to share in 1972 with Henry Kissinger, a man who many have labelled a war criminal.

In 1979 the Ayatollah Khomeini was the winner. That probably didn’t go down well with the US public when, some months later, he decided to hold 66 US citizens hostage.

In 1983 one of those short-lived Russian leaders of the early ‘80s, Yuri Andropov took the award.  For what? Not being Brezhnev? Perhaps being one of the main forces behind the crushing of the Hungarian and Prague uprisings was what swayed the judges.

In the 1990s and early 2000s it was the Bushes (Daddy in 1990 and Dubya in 2000 and 2004).

In 1998 they clearly decided it was time to lighten the mood. The choice of both Bill Clinton and his nemesis Kenneth Star in 1998 must have had people rolling in the aisles.

Authoritarian Vlad Putin got the award in 2007, and last year it was Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the US Federal Reserve during the Global Financial Crisis. Yes, that’s right, they gave him an award for his efforts. Mind you, the US gave billions to the Wall Street bankers who caused the mess, so I guess it’s consistent with rewarding, rather than horsewhipping, those who messed up the global financial system.

So the fact that Zuckerberg has won may not bode well for him or for the rest of us. If history is any judge it seems he will likely use his billions to enter into politics and become an authoritarian ruler, killing millions of people around the world before dying in a bunker surrounded by his loyal followers.

Still think Facebook is harmless?

Not Good Enough, Phil

Kate Chapman of the Dom Post reports:

Labour leader Phil Goff still owns a property in Wellington despite saying he would sell it when it was revealed he was claiming a Parliamentary allowance as well as collecting rent.

In a statement this afternoon, Goff said media had been asking questions about the property.

He said his arrangements were within Parliamentary rules and that he was not 'rorting the system'.

Cabinet Minister Gerry Brownlee told TV3 that Mr Goff had taken a hard-line on accommodation allowances.

"He's got a bit to explain."

In his defence Goff says that he has been exploring the options of selling or renting.

But if (as the article claims) Goff claimed he would sell the house, why hasn't he even put the place on the market? How can he hope to claim the moral high ground on MPs' housing allowances when he claims an allowance while owning a property in Wellington?

You would think that senior MPs would have learned by now that every expense they claim will be scrutinised. Did Goff really think nobody would notice or care?

It doesn't matter whether Goff's expenses are within the rules, or that much of the noise around expenses is just media froth. When you're being beaten up daily in the press, why would you hand your attackers another club?

Dominoes

There are plenty of people in the business world willing to merrily spend the money of other people, then try to evade responsibility when the creditors come knocking.

In recent weeks we’ve seen a number of high-profile businesspeople bankrupted: May Wang, David Henderson, Nigel McKenna, Patrick Fontein, Cameron Marsh, Mark Perriam, Jamie Peters, and now Andrew Krukziener. But most bankruptcies that occur are of small-time folk, people who’ve lost their jobs in the recession and can’t pay their debts, or owners of small businesses that have tanked.

Occasionally a high-roller gets caught up in a bankruptcy action.

When this happens we can be assured of a number of things.

• Despite allegedly having few, if any, assets, the high-roller can usually find enough money to pay a top-flight barrister (often a QC) to fight their cause.
• The high-roller will make a risible offer of settlement to his/her creditors, usually amounting to no more than a couple of cents in the dollar.
• The high-roller will fight tooth and nail to avoid bankruptcy. There will be numerous adjournments of the hearing, as the high-roller assures the court that most of the creditors are deliriously happy with their settlement offer, or that there’s a deal in the pipeline that will see people paid if the high-roller can just have a bit more time.
• We will learn that the high-roller is a good person who has contributed much to society and the business world. This is officially known under insolvency laws as the “but I’m an important person, don’t you know” defence.

Sadly for the high-rollers, the courts don’t seem to be impressed by their pleas to be given special treatment. 

 

Most of the high-rollers listed above were property developers. Some of the shysters running finance companies have also been bankrupted, though many have evaded all responsibility. The difference between a finance company shark funding his/her lavish lifestyle and negligent investments using funds contributed by mostly elderly people, and a property developer who borrows predominantly from banks and other lenders, is that lending institutions will frequently demand personal guarantees from the individuals behind the development entities. 

 

The problem with all these property developer bankruptcies is that they are likely to make banks more wary about lending on major property projects, even where they are solid. So the bankrupts end up hurting not just their creditors, but the entire property industry.

Labour And Other Terror Groups

Prime Minister John Key announced today that New Zealand has designated four more terrorist groups under the Terrorism Suppression Act 2002.

The groups are the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades, the National Liberation Army (ELN) of Colombia, Harakat-ul Jihad al Islami of Bangladesh, and the New Zealand Labour Party.

“Three of these entities have committed atrocities against civilians, and have been responsible for the indiscriminate killing of civilians” said Mr Key.

“The other group is mostly harmless, but what the heck.”

The designations mean that any assets owned by the groups in New Zealand can be seized, and accounts can be frozen. It is an offence to deal with any property controlled by these groups.

“Unfortunately, Labour’s perpetually broke, so there’s no cash in it for us,” said Mr Key.

The designations were greeted with derision by Labour leader Phil Goff.

Speaking via satellite phone from a hidden location, Mr Goff denounced the designation of Labour as a terrorist group.

“And he moved the tyranny and suppression of freedom onto us, and they called it the Terrorism Suppression Act under the disguise of fighting terrorism.

“God willing, our blessed attacks against the citadel of Key will overcome the Infidel. When this Key has felt the pain we feel when our wives and daughters are suppressed, then he will finally learn that it is not wise to move against us.”

Green Party MP Keith Locke said his party was happy with the designations.

“Normally I react with suspicion when the Government acts to suppress so-called terror groups. But I’m pleased that someone has finally done something about Labour.

“That Trevor Mallard has really been pissing me off with all his muckraking and smartarse comments, and Shane Jones must be the most pompous speaker in all the House.

“Finally we have a real prime minster willing to make the tough decisions, rather than spin the usual touchy-feely PC bullshit we usually get.

“Now let’s have a real opposition.”

Council of Civil Liberties spokesperson Basil Stroudhampton said his group was comfortable with the move.

"Normally we would condemn absolutely such an egregious breach of basic freedoms. Freedom of association is a fundamental right in a functioning democratic society, and any move to suppress a political party threatens that right.

"But, Jesus, Labour's been so whiny lately, I'm just pleased they're gone."