John Key has told the nation that a capital gains tax would be a dagger through the heart, would destroy the economy, and would send us screaming backwards. But he’s only telling part of the story.

But it’s much, much worse than that. Here are some other facts John Key should have told you.

Australia has a capital gains tax. Australia was also once a penal colony. Is that the kind of future we want for our kids?

Countries like the US and UK have capital gains taxes too. They also have nuclear weapons. We’re a committed nuclear-free country, so how would that even work?

The CGT has been hanging out in the wrong crowd. It’s had numerous run-ins with the police and is on a fast spiral downwards. It’s only a matter of time before it ends up either dead or in prison. Some future, huh?

It’s a little known fact that Jesus was crucified because he opposed the imposition of capital gains taxes by the Roman governor Pontius Pilate. Jesus famously said, “What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses value from the sale of his property?” (Sharon, 6.2), and “blessed are those who buy and sell real estate, for they shall receive untold tax-free wealth” (Hamiltonians, 14.7-9). Pilate nailed him up for his fiscal heroism.

Capital gains taxes caused the Christchurch earthquakes. This is more of a hunch than an established fact, but just remember in two years time when I’m proven right that I called it first.

Consider this statement.

Adolf Hitler lived in Berlin, the German capital. He gained power in the 1930s. The taxes imposed by his regime were used to rebuild and rearm the German war machine to the detriment of many other areas of the economy. This continued for many years, until the Nazis finally lost power in 1945.

Do you find that as chilling as I do?

The CGT is going to break into your house and murder you in your sleep, before rummaging through your drawers and stealing all your underwear. How do I know this? Well even if I can’t be absolutely certain, are you willing to take the risk that I might be right?

Still think John Key is scaremongering?

The 90% of New Zealanders who don’t trade shares or own a second property suddenly wake up to the horror of a capital gains tax