Harawira's New Party

With all the political attention last week focusing on Don Brash and ACT, you could be forgiven for failing to notice that a new political party is being launched today.

Hone Harawira has finally got around to putting a party together, and has named it the Mana Party. I'm sure more information about this party will come out over the next few days, including what it stands for and who its candidates will be. But from what we know it is fair to say it will assume a position on the far left of the political spectrum, somewhere around where the Alliance is/was. Some of its policies may be so hard left that they will make the Greens look like Tories in comparison, if this open letter is any guide.

It's not a party I would ever vote for because, in spite of all the things wrong with capitalism, all the other systems are much worse. As laudable as the aims of socialism may be, most genuinely socialist regimes are places where you probably wouldn't want to live. A system that combines the best aspects of a market economy with an ethos of caring for those who have less, is likely to provide the best balance between the need for economic growth and the desire to help others.

We have a long way to go as a country before we can get to that point, and it's disheartening to read in the Herald today that, even as our economy flounders, executive pay continues to skyrocket. I am absolutely comfortable with a top executive earning big bucks if the organisation they work for is also performing strongly. We need businesses that perform well and continue to grow, because they provide jobs and tax income for the country, and if a dynamic corporate leader can bring about organisational change for the better, then let them get the rewards.

But while some top-earning executives may well be worth what they are being paid, the sharp executive pay rise overall, combined with the poor performance of our business sector, indicates that something has gone badly wrong.

On the other hand, the Harawira model of a controlled economy doesn't sound to me like the answer. I'm all for the rich paying more, but there was a reason why we abolished death duties (to mention but one example). For one thing, they encouraged the growth of trusts and other devices to defeat the revenue authorities.

A financial transaction tax (whatever that might mean) could well hurt businesses that are already struggling, unless it is very carefully targeted. What sorts of transactions would it capture? If we do anything to impede the flow of money through our economy it will probably be the smaller businesses that suffer. One of this country's most pressing economic problems is a lack of access to capital. So I'm very wary about talk of such taxes.

The bluntest but most effective way to "target" the wealthy is to raise the top tax rate. So long as tax increases are sensible, and don't terrify all of our brightest businesspeople into emigrating to Australia, they may still be the most effective way to capture revenue for necessary social services. Likewise some sort of capital gains tax on real estate investments, combined with a crackdown on tax loopholes (that's easier said than done, admittedly).

I'm cautious about nationalising any assets, such as "monopolies and duopolies" (to quote the open letter). There aren't actually that many that spring to mind. All I could think up were a couple of big telcos and the two main supermarket chains. I'm not sure how happy I'd be if the government took over my local Countdown. I suspect it would result in price rises across the board, because there would be no incentive to compete any more.

There's one other problem with this party, and that's its leader. I have a great deal of respect for what Hone Harawira has achieved, and I admire his tenacity and refusal to compromise his beliefs. But while those features make him a fearsome activist, they make him a lousy politician. I can well imagine this party being a five-minute wonder, and can only imagine the potential for bust-ups and fiery internal debates. With so many activists on board demanding different things, and all in a totally uncompromising manner, and with the king of activists in command, it just looks like a disaster waiting to happen.

I could be wrong about that last aspect, though. Because at the time of writing this post I'm still only speculating on who else will be involved in this party.

As for what it means for Labour, a party that is to the hard left may not do too much harm to its vote. Labour's occupied the centre-left for a couple of decades now, and parties to its left have come and gone (New Labour, Alliance, Progressives, etc). It's possible this new party might bleed some support from the Greens, and if there's a focus on Maori issues the Maori Party might lose a few votes too.

But this is all speculation, because I'm just guessing what the Mana Party will be all about, and what its policies and personnel will be.

A Celebration Of The Monarchy

Edward VIII

George III

Mary I

Charles I

Richard III

Henry VI

(What do you mean, petty? Me?)

A Message To The Royal Couple

Dear William and Kate

As you prepare for what will be the biggest day of your lives, you will no doubt be feeling trepidation and wondering what lies before you on the road you have chosen to tread together.

You will have been receiving a lot of advice from friends and family about what makes a good marriage, and you will probably be feeling overwhelmed by all the attention.

I don’t want to disturb your big day for more than a moment, but please allow me to briefly share my thoughts on this occasion:

I JUST DON’T CARE! I’M SICK OF THE WHOLE THING! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE!

I’M SO TIRED OF IT ALL!

I DON'T CARE!

I CAN'T ESCAPE THIS THING!

HELP!

What Next For Don Brash?

1. Take control of ACT.
2. Ensure ACT survives past November and is a viable coalition partner for National.
3. Take a ministerial portfolio in the next government.
4. Assume a more important portfolio as the Key charm begins to wear off in the second term, and as the tide begins to turn. Finance, for example.
5. Become Deputy PM.
6. Become PM by engaging in a full frontal assault on the PM’s credibility. The Brash style is, after all, to stab someone in the chest in a frenzied attack rather than slyly slip the knife between the shoulder blades.
7. Merge National and ACT and contest the following election on a platform of asset sales, deregulation and serfdom.
8. Win a majority and put plans into effect.
9. Engage members of the Climate Science Coalition and Birther movement to establish whether Articles 1 and 2 of the Treaty of Waitangi are a forgery. Conclude that they most certainly are.
10. While on a state visit to Australia, offer to become its PM. When offer is politely declined, launch another frenzied attack.
11. Next the US presidency. This will first require a constitutional amendment to allow a non-US born person to stand for office. Get that done by lunchtime, then run for office. This will be an outrageously expensive campaign, so time for the Exclusive Brethren to come good on their funding promises.
12. Once US President, start working towards one world government. Achieve this goal before 80th birthday. Send probes into space to seek out new worlds and new civilisations to conquer.
13. Put self into cryogenic state, with instructions only to be awoken on First Contact. Put Exclusive Brethren friends in charge in his absence.
14. Awaken to greet envoys from alien civilisation. Have them take him to their planet.
15. Launch frenzied attack upon alien ruler, seize their technologies, and go forth and conquer other planets. Explain that he is doing it for their own good, because their governments have grown too big and bloated, and the burden on the alien taxpayer is crippling.
16. Become absolute ruler of a vast network of planets and galaxies.
17. Die quietly in his bed surrounded by those he loves (stocks, bonds, gold bars, wads of cash).
18. Ascend into the heavens.
19. Launch frenzied attack upon God…

It Is Done

So I managed to do my big presentation today, and now it's done. I'd been working on it all week, and it had been doing my head in.

I think it went well. It's pretty hard to interest a bunch of hard-nosed IP lawyers when the topic you have to speak about is IP licensing, but I think I managed to keep things interesting.

I suspect the frequent references to the Reptilian elites, the New World Order and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion would have kept the audience on their toes.

But if that didn't do the trick, locking the doors, screaming torrents of abuse at the audience and then trying to set myself on fire must have at least ensured the event was memorable.

And doing the entire thing naked will have certainly got the attention of the key people in the industry.

But I do worry if I might gone a step too far. PowerPoint presentations are so passe nowadays.

A Simple Election Slogan For Labour To Use This Year

VOTE JOHN KEY - GET DON BRASH

On Friendship

"Rodney and I have been friends for more than 15 years"

Imagine what he'd do to you if you were his actual enemy.

Imagining If The Two Big News Stories Of The Week Became One

How Was Your World IP Day?

Well, yesterday sure was a big one. World IP Day is always keenly awaited by the IP profession, and this year's event was huge.

It started with a champagne breakfast, but that ended when one of my colleagues slapped a cease and desist order on the cafe for not using the more appropriate term Methode Traditionelle.

And that was just the start of the revelry. Once we were tanked up we went back to our offices, drafted a bunch of nonsensical software patent specifications, filed them, then watched as the entire New Zealand software industry came crashing down.

That left us just enough time to patent the entire human genome before lunch.

After a delightful repast we returned to our work, drafting threatening letters to everyone in the country who has an internet connection. That took care of most of the afternoon, leaving only half an hour to lobby government to extend all copyright terms indefinitely and retrospectively.

Following a cocktail function held with the US TPP team, we hit the town. And when I say "hit the town" I mean we plastered the town with posters saying "Copyright theft is a crime".

It sure was a big day, and it's left me shattered. Thankfully, I find a glass of human blood always revives.

I hope your World IP Day was as eventful.

The Brash Manifesto

It's no secret that Don Brash is planning a new political party.

I've had leaked to me a copy of the main policies of this new party, and here they are.

• Find evidence that John Key was born in Kenya.
• Sir Michael Fay to be appointed SOE Minister.
• Sell advertising space on the NZ flag. 
• Eliminate poverty by declaring war on the poor.
• Replace PM's Chief Science Adviser with an accountant.
• End race-based funding for all tribes except the white ones.
• Appoint Mickey Mouse as Minister for Economic Development.
• Pretend it's still the 19th century.
• Buy the Labour Party, sack its board, strip its assets and flog it off to the Chinese.
• Become socialists when our friends are in trouble and need to be bailed out.
• Reading other people's emails to be a capital offence.
• End all Maori privileges, except the privilege of being more likely to be incarcerated, murdered, unemployed, sick or poor.
• Put his good friend Peter Huljich in charge of Kiwisaver.
• Offer to become a UK citizen if they will make him their king.
• End welfare dependency except for executives of failed financial institutions.
• Appoint Muriel Newman as Race Relations Commissioner.
• Abba's "Money Money Money" to be the new national anthem.
• NZ Stock Exchange to set up a new board for the listing of grannies.
• End discrimination against vampires.
• Get Sir Peter Jackson to make an epic movie trilogy about an accountant who saves the world using only a calculator.

Where do I join up?

(Update: I posted these on twitter last night under the hashtag #brashpartypolicies and a bunch of other people joined in with their own policy suggestions. There are some good ones, so check them out)

Bad Medicine

It is often said that with age comes wisdom.

Unless, of course, you're Don Brash. The only thing he has been developing since stepping down from National in 2006 is his ego.

Brash is convinced the country is going in the wrong direction. He yearns to lead us to economic salvation, because he considers himself a visionary who knows what the nation needs. If slightly sounds slightly mad, slightly religious, bear in mind his strong Presbyterian upbringing. He's been conditioned to follow his faith rather than his head.

Few others share Brash's almost-religious fervour for economic reform. Brash's 2025 Taskforce work has been widely panned, and most of the Taskforce's recommendations are based on little more than ideology.

They are also completely politically unpalatable.

Brash may be hoping that a political party led by him holds the balance of power and can extort concessions from National. But that hope looks ever more fanciful, because on present polling John Key won't need the support of ACT or another ACT-like party after the next election.

So it's likely that even if Brash leads a party after the next election he will remain sidelined, unable to implement the sweeping, savage reforms he yearns to inflict upon us.

Thankfully for us, ACT's leadership doesn't seem so keen on Brash's takeover offer. I can completely understand that, even if the offer may well be the only thing saving ACT from political extinction. Brash isn't even prepared to join ACT, or to resign his membership of National, yet he is talking about leading ACT or another party to be formed.

Still, on another level it makes perfect sense that Brash should think political parties can be bought and sold, and that he just needs to swoop in with a compelling offer. When you see the world as a marketplace then everything has its price. But if I were on the ACT board, even allowing for the fact that it would mean I held some mighty odd political opinions, I'd probably consider it just too painful an insult to bear. No wonder the ACT President isn't singing Brash's praises.

The likely rejection of Brash by ACT means the chances of a Brash party going head to head with ACT are high. If that occurs it could well result in the destruction of both parties. Even if John Banks runs in Epsom for a Brash party, with Hide also running the net result may just be a National win. I think I'd actually find myself cheerleading for National if the Epsom race became a three-way one.

Brash's prescription for this country is a ruinous one and should be avoided at all costs. Helen Clark famously called Don Brash "cancerous and corrosive".

But Clark was wrong. People sometimes survive cancer. It's hard to see the fragile New Zealand economy surviving a dose of what Dr Brash is offering.

To The Barricades!

Uncompromising left-wing columnist and Chairman of the Workers Solidarity Party of Aotearoa, Bob Mittsky, returns with a new column.

Comrades!

I sensed yesterday that something was up, but it's even worse that I feared.

The military apparatus of our fascist state have been in full mobilisation this morning. By dawn forward elements had seized the main squares of most of our town centres.

They even mobilised their reserve militias to provide support. Many in the militias may appear old and feeble, but it would be a mistake to underestimate our enemy.

I don't know why they have chosen this day, Easter Monday, to take control of so many strategic points, or what exactly they have planned. Is this the full takeover I have so often talked and written about? Are we about to see a clampdown against the workers by a militarised capitalist elite?

Actually, the timing makes sense. It's a public holiday, and many of the workers will be enjoying what little leisure their ruthless capitalist overlords still allow them. Many of the proletariat will be away, unable to easily organise massed counterattacks against the ranks of the military and the elderly militia fighters supporting them.

One thing surprises me about this uprising, though. I was convinced the reactionary counter-revolution, when it finally came, would be led by the Prime Minister. But it's clear he has been duped too. He's out of the country, unable to have any part in this coup or to control events. That can only mean one thing:  this is Sir Peter Jackson's doing. He's behind the whole thing. Who else in this country would harbour such a hatred towards democracy?

This is a defining moment in our struggle against authoritarianism. To the barricades, brothers! To the barricades! I will join you there shortly—just as soon as my turn in this timeshare apartment in Wanaka runs out, and just as soon as my private jet can get me back up to Auckland.

My advice to you all in the meantime is to seize the means of communication and broadcast your message of worker solidarity to our fellow comrades across the nation. Let them know that you are ready to raise the flag of defiance! But don't touch Telecom, because I've a lot of money invested in that company, and it would be bad for the Party if the share price dipped.

My Own All Blacks Story

When I read Shayne Philpott's rugby story in the news the other day it brought a lot of things back to me. Things I thought I had put behind me.

It also brought back a few tears. Some things are just so painful they never really left you.

Philpott was a handy utility back in his day, but was despised by many in rugby circles, because they considered him an inferior talent, and because his selection for the All Blacks meant more popular players missed out. That was back in the days before professional rugby and mass squad rotations. It was extraordinarily hard to get into the All Blacks back then, and players seldom came off the field unless seriously injured.

Shayne's story sounds a bit like mine. The talkback abuse, the swirling rumours, and the sharpened pens of the rugby scribes writing poison—I remember them all too well.

But Philpott's name at least appears in the record books. Not mine. I am the All Black you've never heard of.

I was first selected in 1990 against Australia in Christchurch. It was a solid team and we hadn't lost to Australia since 1986. But the team were coming to the end of a long and glorious run that had begun with the Rugby World Cup win in 1987, and their best days were perhaps behind them. It was into an environment of seasoned veterans perhaps grown too complacent and comfortable that I was thrust. No wonder, then, that things didn't start out so well for me.

I knew as soon as I stepped into the dressing room that my career wasn't going to be an easy one. The coach Grizz Wylie looked me up and down and said "hey kid, who the fuck are you?"

Grizz had a reputation in rugby circles of being a hard bastard, so I thought at first he must be joking. But he maintained a menacing stare as I explained that I was here to play the first test. It did me no good, and I was told to piss off, and then a bunch of burly security guys came and threw me out of the stadium.

For a young kid like me that was a pretty traumatic experience. But I loved my rugby and was absolutely determined to break into the team, so I returned to the fray, trained hard and worked on my game. It took a couple of years of trying, but I finally got another chance in 1994. There was a new coach, Laurie Mains, and a Rugby World Cup only a year away. If I performed well I knew there was a chance of a trip to South Africa the following year.

But when I reported for duty in the test match against the French Mains said to me "you shouldn't be in here. If you want an autograph you'll have to wait till after the game."

So that was that. Another rejection, and another insult.

You probably remember what happened next. They trialled a young guy called Jonah Lomu in the position I should have been playing, and the French exposed him mercilessly. We lost the series 2-0, but to add insult to injury Lomu went on to become a rugby superstar.

It should have been me.

I tried again the following year, but this time I couldn't even get as far as the changing rooms. So I was left out of the World Cup squad and had to watch our agonising loss to South Africa in the final on the TV, knowing that if I had been there the result might have been very different.

By this time I was at a pretty low ebb, and considered packing it in. In the end I decided I'd give it one more season, and if that didn't do the job I'd quit rugby and find something more meaningful to occupy my time. So I began to work hard on my fitness, sometimes going to the gym more than once a week. I'd never felt fitter and stronger, and it paid off.

I got my chance to shine against the Wallabies. I was only a reserve, but that was better than nothing. My opportunity came just after halftime, when Lomu went down hurt. I ran on, expecting at least some polite applause, but all I got were jeers. I was dragged off, literally, by two big Polynesian guys, and ended up spending a night in the police cells. Some way to celebrate your first test cap, isn't it?

I can only surmise that officials took exception to my lack of a regulation kit when I went onto the field, but how can I be blamed for that? I couldn't get into the changing rooms and the team officials had such a dripping contempt for me that when I tried to tell them who I was they just told me to piss off.

The thing that hurt me most about that one test cap was the reaction to my performance. It haunts me to this day. I found out later what they said about me on the TV when I came on. Sky TV commentator Grant Nisbett said "hello, who's this idiot running onto the field?" and one of the other commentators accused me of disrupting the game. But how could I disrupt the game if they wouldn't even let me go near the ball?

The next day I was the talk of the town, on the airwaves and in the papers. On talkback radio they complained about the lack of security at our grounds and the fact that (I'm quoting word for word) "any moron can just jump over the fence and ruin the game". But the final straw was a column by a well-respected rugby writer in a national newspaper (I won't name you, but you know who you are) who labelled my efforts "disrespectful and an insult to the game".

After than I hung my boots up for good. But there's scarcely a day when I don't think about those hurtful people and the way they treated me. I wish I could say that these experiences made me tougher, but the truth is they didn't. Every blow struck against me still hurts.

The crowning insult came when I went back to look at my official rugby record a couple of days ago, just after I read the Philpott story. They may have treated me with cruelty, but they couldn't take my test cap away, could they? Well guess what? My name doesn't appear in any record book. I didn't put a foot wrong during my sole appearance for the All Blacks, but still they wouldn't even give me a minor appearance in the history books. Bastards! It's as if all evidence of my career has been expunged.

I've been thinking a lot about this over the last few days. Like Philpott I wondered if I should just flog off all my rugby memorabilia and be done with it. Reading Philpott's story, though, made me realise there must be other guys out there with similar stories to my own. Guys whose careers went nowhere—because of misfortune, or the capricious whims of officials.

So guess what? I'm on a comeback. I have come to realise that I have a lot of unfinished business with rugby, and I would dearly love to stick it to those officials, coaches and media know-it-alls who so royally stuffed me and left me a shuddering wreck of a man for years on end.

I'm getting on in years, though I'm still on the right side of forty, and my health and fitness are pretty good still. Just yesterday I managed a two kilometre run in under twenty minutes. And there's always a place for the older guys. Tana Umaga's playing for the Chiefs, and Reuben Thorne is about to return for the Crusaders. So as from this week I'm back in training, determined to win back my place.

I plan to make my comeback at the Rugby World Cup. What better time to make an impact, when the eyes of the rugby world are turned upon New Zealand?

Wouldn't it be something else to run out onto Eden Park during the final?

Another Labour Casualty

There were renewed calls today for Labour Party leader Phil Goff to step down, after another disastrous day for the party.

The party were holding their annual Waitakere Cake Fair this morning when a series of unfortunate events left attendees questioning the Labour leader's competence.

The event is held each year to raise funds for the party, and this year's event drew record numbers, as almost twenty cakes were put on sale.

But tragedy struck early in the event.

One of the cake sellers, Sonia Droon, described what happened.

"It was all a blur really," said Ms Droon. "All I remember was this enormous commotion, and then howls of dismay. I rushed over to see what had happened and I couldn't believe what I saw spread all over the ground. I was almost sick with horror.

"I will never vote for Labour again."

Pictures of the aftermath have been shown on TV3. They show the remains of a chocolate cake spread on the floor of the church hall where the event was being held.

How the cake got to be on the floor remains unclear. But some witnesses have reported seeing an elderly woman carrying the cake towards a table and dropping it on the ground, after tripping on a chair leg.

Prominent right wing blogger Campbell Slug, who runs the site FishMeat, claims he has spoken to people who were at the event, and that there are more revelations to come.

"This cake incident is just the tip of the iceberg," said Mr Slug. "I've been told that one woman used mock cream on her sponge cake, instead of real cream.

"Is there no end to Labour's duplicity?"

If any of these allegations can be verified it will be a bitter blow to the leadership of Phil Goff. Goff was elected as leader of Labour in 2008 because he was regarded as a safe pair of hands.

But a series of disasters have dogged Labour in recent weeks.

Last month critics savaged the Labour Party after an electorate official was given a parking ticket in Takapuna. The ticket clearly showed she parked for 72 minutes in a 60 minute parking zone.

And on Thursday a registered Labour Party member in Matamata returned the DVD new release Eat, Pray, Love to his video shop a day late.

Newspaper columnists and bloggers have claimed this string of incidents proves Mr Goff has contempt for the law and is unfit to lead a political party.

They say that a man who cannot even control every single thing his party members do, think, eat, breathe, defecate, imbibe, see, hear, taste, say or write, should never become Prime Minister.

Mr Goff has now commented on the incident, but nobody remembers what he said.

Call The Cops!

The right wing bloggers have been having a field day over the Labour Party "stop signs".

This is what they're bleating about.

The signs don't actually look like stop signs. Anyone who thinks they do shouldn't be on the road, because they clearly have no comprehension of the Road Code.

Blogger Cameron Slater probably doesn't see the irony in attacking Labour for being law breakers, when all they are doing is exercising free speech. It is quite possible that he has lived his entire life without discovering the beauty of irony.

Perhaps it's further evidence that deep down, despite all the free speech posturing, there's a little policeman waiting to burst free.

I'm not actually convinced any law is being broken, and if one is I suspect it's not the sort of law that will be keeping the CIB, CSI or Special Victims Unit occupied.

Right Thinking: Just Say No To Your GP

Conservative columnist Dr Frank Shizenhausen injects some common sense into the immunisation debate.

Sir Peter Gluckman, the government's Chief Science Adviser, has bemoaned the low rates of vaccination in this country.

Well he would, wouldn't he? But I've always objected strongly to immunisation for the simple reason that I don't trust doctors.

I'll tell you why. Whenever you go to see your GP your visit's being subsidised by the government. That means you're effectively perpetuating big government each and every time you have a consultation over your hernia, your rasping cough, or your tendency to want to stab anyone who comes to your door.

And these doctors have got it so sweet that the more illness there is the more money they make.

I'm the last person to begrudge doctors the opportunity to make a living, but it's pretty obvious to anyone who cares to look at the evidence that doctors are the cause of most diseases. It can't be coincidental that wherever there is a breakout of some illness or malady, you'll find doctors. I'm sure if the self-serving medical profession would do a study on this topic, rather than wasting time making martyrs of people like the heroic Andrew Wakefield, we would find there is a correlation between the presence of physicians and the incidence of disease. Cause and effect.

So when doctors offer to stab our children in the arm with a needle, it's obvious to me that what they're really doing is planting little time-bombs in our kids. Bombs that will go off at a time of the doctors' choosing, leaving the entire populace at their mercy. I'm sure we'll later learn as our children flounder on their sick beds that only the doctors have the antidote, and that it is prohibitively expensive.

But the ultimate price for this immunisation drive may well be a surrender of our freedoms and liberties to a world government run by doctors, social workers and lesbians. Is that what we want for future generations?

That's why I'm saying no to immunisation. You should too.

Uncle Ernie: Let The Devils Try!

Aha! Just as I thought!

That Jenny Shipley woman was on the telly on Sunday morning saying that the Chinese don't want our land. No, she said, they want our protein.

Well I’m not giving up mine without a fight.

I don’t know what sort of awful surgical instruments they’ll use on us when it comes time to start extracting the stuff. I expect it will involve some system of pipes, suction and valves, much like my computer uses. And being the devils they are they’ll probably not even give us an aspirin to ease the pain.

That’s why from today I’ve started to take action. I don’t expect to be able to stop them, because I’m getting on in years and my strength isn’t what it used to be. But if they want to suck my protein dry they’re at least going to have to work for it.

It’s lucky I have a bit of cash stored away, because the workmen I’ve hired don’t come cheap. I may as well tell you what I’ve got planned, because those Chinese buggers don’t speak the language and will never think to check their internets.

I've dug a series of holes around my house, lined them with loose foliage and planted razor sharp stakes at the bottom of the holes. When the bastards come knocking they'll get quite a surprise. I know the system works, because yesterday I came home from the RSA to find the postie stuck at the bottom of a hole with one of the stakes sticking through his thigh. All in all I thought he made a bit too much of a deal about the entire episode, considering I was just doing my bit for the defence of the nation. I've a good mind to complain to his superior about his attitude. The way he kept barking "help me, I'm dying!" was plain rude.

I've not been impressed with the local postal service since that Mr Douglas took an axe to it. I tried to send a telegram to my solicitor the other day and they looked at me as if I was some kind of lunatic. The woman behind the counter said "why don't you just send an email?". All-right, I thought, I'll do that. So I asked her which postbox I should put it in. She said "you send it on a computer!". She was quite surly, let me tell you.

So I came home and took a look at the computer that grows dust at home in a corner of my spare bedroom. I've heard about this modern electronic communication business, so I can only guess this email carry-on must be something to do with that. Anyway, I posted my letter through the slot on my computer, even through it was a bit of a squeeze, and have been waiting for a response ever since. It's been three weeks!

Maybe I should send a telegram asking my solicitor if he received my email.

The New TV Season - A Preview

I’ve just checked out the listings for the new TV season, and it’s packed with some fantastic home-grown shows! Let’s take a look.

TVNZ

I was thrilled to learn that TVNZ decided to commission a new series of The Apprentice, because I am one of the show’s biggest fans. The last series was nail-biting stuff, as the wannabe apprentices flew all around the world searching desperately against the clock for a finance package to save Terry’s bacon.

My disappointment on learning that Terry wasn’t going to star in the new series was shortlived, because his replacement is just dynamite. Thanks to TVNZ I’ve had a sneak preview and I can tell you now that you won’t believe how good this show is.

Casting Mark Hotchin as the new boss was an inspired move. Hotchin brings a lot of credibility to the screen, and is one of the big movers and shakers of the financial world. There’s nothing about related party lending and Ponzi schemes Hotchin doesn’t know, and he’s got the wealth to prove it. Not that he’ll admit it!

I'm looking forward to watching as the would-be apprentices face a range of interesting challenges that test their mettle. If the first episode is anything to go by, they’ve got a wild ride ahead. In the one episode alone Hotchin gets them to issue a prospectus for a dodgy new business, offer first ranking secured debentures that are as solid as the CTV Building, construct a related party transaction that sucks all of the cash out of the venture and into their own pockets, and then once it bombs find a listed company stupid enough to buy the toxic assets of the business.

I’m told that in a later episode the contestants will be required to muck in and help build a multi-storied palace overlooking the Waitemata Harbour. I can’t wait to see them getting their hands dirty. And in a daring crossover with the US series, they go to Kenya to help Donald Trump find evidence of Barack Obama’s birth.

It’s the kind of sizzling TV everyone will be talking about the next day.

But if that doesn’t float your boat, there’s more. If you like do-up shows then you’ll love the reality show AMI Extreme Corporate Makeover starting soon on TV2. Each week the government sends a team of advisers and treasury officials to do a complete makeover of some lucky failed enterprise. Whether it’s an undercapitalised insurance company, an uninsured stadium or a dodgy finance company, no effort or taxpayer cash will be spared to prop up private businesses in trouble.

TV3

But it’s not just TVNZ with all the great new shows. TV3 has another series of the ever-popular New Zealand’s Next Tupperwaka coming soon. It also has a new reality show called The Biggest Budget Loser, in which government department heads battle it out each week to cut the most spending on important programmes.

And TV3 has a new drama series called John’s Outrageous Fortune. It’s the saga of the Key family, and their efforts to stay on the right side of public opinion. It features the patriarch, John, and a bunch of lovable characters, like big bumbling Uncle Gerry, the savagely cruel Judith, and the dopey misfit pairing of Anne and Melissa. It’s been written by the award winning writing pair of Crosby and Textor, so you know it will be compelling viewing.

But the undoubted star of the TV3 lineup is a new series Queers Out To Get The Straight Guys, in which an army of homosexuals takes over a political party and threatens the manliness of a straight-shooting West Coast MP. They may manage to consign his ghastly shirts to the dustbin, but his bigotry might prove tougher to shift!

Prime

Prime's big scoop is scoring the rights to Political Fear Factor. It's cringe-inducing stuff, as contestants are asked to do the unthinkable, like vote for what they actually believe in, and stick to their campaign promises.

The first episode of the new series will be essential viewing, as Epsom voters are asked to swallow a dead rat. 

Parliament TV

Meanwhile on Parliament TV they’re trialling a new stand-up comedy show, called Live Parliamentary Proceedings. If you aren’t wetting yourself with laughter as Bill English explains to the House what the government plans to do to lift growth, then, sister, you ain't got no funny bone.

I also guarantee that you'll be in stitches as you watch the Leader of the Opposition stumble on another banana skin.


With all this great TV on you won't want to leave the house! So don't. Why would you? It's a shithole outside. Trust me - I went and looked.

Leave The Family Court Alone

Having given the bash to beneficiaries, kneecapped those in trouble with the law, slapped parents of pre-school children, and slammed the door on educational opportunities for older people looking to retrain, the Government is now turning on families in trouble.

Simon Power wants to rein in the ballooning costs of the Family Court, without really understanding why those costs have risen so sharply.

The Family Court is an institution whose role is to clean up the mess when families crumble. It has a critical role in sorting out issues concerning child custody, relationship property and domestic violence, to name but a few areas the court is active in.  Generally it does a pretty good job, but it has its work cut out. The rise in reports of domestic violence over recent years, as a consequence of anti-violence campaigns, has led to the court having a greater workload, while the stress and anxiety caused by both economic and natural disasters will be causing many families to fall apart.

In times of stress it makes sense that there will be a greater demand for the services of the Family Court. Simon Power has claimed that too much court time is being wasted by trivia, but this has been disputed by lawyers working in the field, and Power has provided no evidence to back his theory up - just anecdotes. It's what we have come to expect from a government immune to evidence-based policymaking, and unable or unwilling to look ahead to see the potential effects of its policies.

We continue to wallow in the depths of a downturn, and debt issues and job losses are putting enormous stress on families. It doesn't make a lot of sense to take away some of the services offered by the Family Court that are helping to keep families functioning. Services that may prevent some troubled families from turning into breeding grounds for crime and substance abuse.

The Family Court is very often an emergency service, acting swiftly to sort out violence and child custody issues, and intervening in family crises. An effective intervention by the Family Court can reduce cost to the taxpayer later on.

If we were in the middle of a pandemic it would be the height of absurdity to respond to the additional demand on our hospitals by cutting funding to the health system. Nor would we slash police funding as a response to a crime wave. So why are we contemplating cutting Family Court funding in the middle of a downturn?

The Further Tales Of The Duc' d'Eglise de Christ

Wednesday

King John writes to tell me that I have been given additional powers. I am informed that my opponents in the Capital made barely a squeak as additional prerogatives were bestowed upon me. It is pleasing to learn that my enemies have been discomforted and are in utter disarray, and that there is now little to stop me from undertaking any course of action that I may determine. Were I a man of propriety and modesty I would feel constrained to exercise these powers with wisdom and restraint. I am not that man.

Thursday

When I grow weary from signing these decrees I have my men take me by sedan chair to the town centre. With one sweep of my hand I am able to consign entire rows of ancient buildings into oblivion. What could be more pleasing to me than to watch the destruction of so many once-fine buildings, while the former occupants stand by in horror, weeping over their misfortune? It does a man good to see the tears of his enemies. For they are all my enemies, each and every one of these peasants. If I were not constantly flanked by men at arms and horsemen they would descend upon me like ravenous dogs and tear me asunder.

Friday

The demands made upon me by the peasantry are intolerable. Their cries for the necessities of life have even disrupted my revelry, leaving me displeased and deflated. I have been more than patient with these people, and I fear I must now take firm action to suppress their dissent. If they wish to bemoan their failure to gain access to homes and shops, then let me be the one to ensure their wails have an extra edge to them.

If I were given liberty to do entirely as I pleased I would put them all to the sword, but King John's command is to rule firmly but wisely, so I will let some of them live for the time being.

Saturday

The town centre is still a broken sight. It offends my eyes, and I grow weary of seeing such vast mounds of rubble. This angers me, and when I am angered I lose my easy manner and poise. It is to my great regret that in a moment of impatience I have had a number of the workmen disposed of. I do not regret their demise so much as the difficulty in replacing them.  The rebuilding of this province seems at times to be an insurmountable task, but I regard it as a tests from God, and I am of a mind to ensure that I do the Lord’s work in a most efficient and industrious manner.

Sunday

A woman came to me this morning, wailing and tearing at her hair. I was inclined to have her head for such insolence, but my chamberlain whispered into my ear that the troubled lady’s husband perished recently due to an act of gross disobedience, and that this had unsettled her mind. Notwithstanding my offer to assist her to join her husband, the woman continued to rail against my rule, accusing me of engaging in acts of cruelty and vice. My punishment of her husband was perfectly just (for how can a failure to abase oneself before your liege ever be justified?), but nevertheless I stayed my hand and instead had her locked away for her own good.

The lady will be all the better for a few years in confinement. Such are the little acts of kindness I perform, though the peasants still despise me.

Monday

King John writes to inform me that a number of my fellow peers have been appointed to oversee my administration of this province. The extent of my rage can only be imagined, and I am afraid to say that a number of my servants perished in the conflagration that transpired. Only later was it revealed to me that this council is merely a sop to our enemies, whereas full power in this province will remain in my hands while the illusion of oversight will be maintained in order to appease the peasantry.

That the miserable people of this province have called for any measure of constraint on my powers is a thing I can scarcely regard without flying into one of my infernal tempers. In spite of all I have done they refuse to buckle to my will.

It is unfortunate that I should be prevented from doing all that is needed in this province, and it is my darkest fear that what the populace really seeks is a means whereby my lust and avarice may be contained. 

Tuesday

Another night of enjoying the delights of Venus and Bacchus has left me bedridden and unable to attend to official duties.  Today I will sleep, for tomorrow I must return to the Capital to further terrify and intimidate my enemies.

(Read the first instalment of the Duc' d'Eglise de Christ's diary here)

Strange Times

The biggest tragedy with all of this Labour Party distraction is that things are actually getting much worse for many people on middle to low incomes.

The inflation figures released by Statistics NZ showed that the cost of early childhood education rose by 11.7% last year.

The government has tried to claim it is not to blame, but that's nonsense.

It was this government that slashed early childhood education subsidies, forcing providers to increase their fees.

It was this government that increased GST.

For middle to low income families with kids in early childhood education that increase alone will have wiped out any benefits gained through the tax cuts. Some early childhood education centres have increased fees by up to $40 a week.

These families are clearly financially worse off under National.

As the cost of inflation outstrips the average wage increase, whatever benefits most people received from the tax cuts (for most people that wasn't much) have disappeared. Meanwhile, economic growth is stagnant, and our government has no plan for our economy other than to flog off some assets and hope that things magically improve.

And despite all of this most people think Mr Key is doing a splendid job. We live in strange times.

Thanks Phil & Co

Just a quick post to say a big thank you to Phil Goff and the people who advise him.

If Labour were to win in November I'd be left with a problem. What would I write about? With a centre-left government in power I'd be left with nothing but the dregs of a Keyless National opposition to pick over. I'd be forced to write post after post about how wonderful software and gene patents are, and I'm sure you wouldn't like that.

Thankfully the chances of Labour now winning appear as remote as the chances of my being appointed TVNZ's next breakfast TV host. So I'm still in business!

A New Public Health Menace

You may not know it, but a debilitating disease is creeping through the country.

I’m talking about Conservanomius Deregulitoma, better known as Tory-itis.

Efforts to date to arrest the progress of the disease have failed, and control measures put in place by authorities have largely been inadequate.

We last had a major outbreak of this disease in the mid-80s. It’s been bubbling away ever since, and I think it’s fair to say we never quite managed to eradicate it altogether.

The illness strikes young and old and, while it does tend to manifest itself more commonly within certain socio-economic groupings and amongst certain ethnic groups (i.e. mainly white upper-middle class men), it can be found in almost every community.

Symptoms

If you know what to look for it’s actually quite easy to diagnose. I’ve compiled below a brief list of the most common symptoms of Tory-itis.

• Your hands start to shake and you break out into a cold sweat whenever someone says “Sue Bradford”.
• You like John Key, even if he’s no Don Brash.
• You have more than once found yourself sipping fine wine at an up-market restaurant or swanky dinner party, while braying loudly about Maori entitlement.
• You are convinced that all of the nation’s problems would be solved if only you could pay less tax.
• You feel sympathy for Mark Hotchin.
• You find yourself talking to your spouse with sadness about an old friend, as if that person had just died. In fact, they’ve just joined the Labour Party.
• You think people should be able to spend their money as they please. If the want to blow thousands on unnecessary luxury goods, like Cuban cigars and the finest cognac, then good on them! Except if they’re poor, in which case you turn puritan and demand they give up drinking, smoking, gambling and sex.
• You know that a long and distinguished career in business is an essential qualification for political office. You also think Bill English is the best finance minister we have ever had.
• You think that the justice system is too PC, that sentences are too lenient, and that people are getting away with murder. You also think your finance company mate Trevor got a rough deal when he got 12 months’ home detention for pleading guilty to fraud.
• You think everyone has the same opportunities in life, and don’t see why some people should get state assistance. You earned everything you have today the hard way, apart from the starting capital of half a million that your father-in-law gave your business as an interest free loan that was later written off.
• You know that the answer is small government, deregulation and assets sales. You don’t remember what the question was.

Prognosis

The illness is particularly difficult to treat once it has taken hold. The disease is aggressive and ultimately debilitating, and can leave victims permanently emotionally stunted, with severe empathy deficiency.

If left untreated the disease can lead to permanent brain injury, with some sufferers experiencing delusions and even convincing themselves they live on another planet.

Treatment

There is no one agreed treatment for Tory-itis. Early studies of the disease (Marx, 1867; Engels, 1848; Lenin, 1917; Mao 1949) proposed the use of radical measures to purge the body politic. However, this form of treatment was controversial, and led to a number of unnecessary deaths. The treatment also had a number of unpleasant side effects, including famine, totalitarianism, terror, and economic collapse.

Some clinicians have experimented with isolation therapy. This therapy treats the disease as a mental disorder, and the treatment involves isolating the patient from other sources of Tory-itis, such as Newstalk ZB, the National Party and the local golf club. This treatment has only mixed success, with relapse common within days of returning the patient back to their Tory environment.

Another method is shock treatment. This involves sending the patient to live somewhere dirt poor, and making them see the world as it really is for many struggling people. Again, results are mixed.

Prevention

Tory-itis is highly infectious and contagious. It can be caught from radio shows, newspaper columns and blogs, and it can also be transmitted orally from other sufferers of the disease.

The only effective preventative measure is total avoidance. And fire. Lots of fire.

Look At The Polls!

Now I understand everything.

John Pagani, adviser to Phil Goff is crying "Don't panic! Don't panic!" in this post in reponse to the dire poll released yesterday, and is attacking Labour's critics, including me and Danyl McLaughlan. He appears not to have read any of the blog posts he is critical of, including the one I wrote. This does not surprise me. It's been pretty obvious for a while that Goff's advisers have completely failed to read the mood of the public.

Pagani says I advocated a shift to the left in my post, when I did no such thing. I was critical of the move to vote for the CERA legislation, but that's not quite the same as wanting the party to shift to the left. What I would really like to see is a demonstration of principles on the odd occasion, and a defence of the rule of law.

My post was essentially a plea for a more coherent and organised Labour, one that holds the government to account, and that doesn't itself become the main story.

And in any event it does no good to whine about what the commentariat are saying. I don't kid myself that I have that much influence outside of a small group of people on the internet who avidly follows politics. The masses aren't interested in what people like me are saying, but nor do they care for the "just hang in there" message. Something has to change. Just look at the polls, man! Sure, it's one really bad poll, but the others weren't all that flash either. They can't all be wrong.

Pagani explains his winning strategy in his post.

But there is another explanation - one that’s not quite as neat for the left of politics: That a plurality of people actually approve of the job the National party is doing. That the last thing they want is a leap back to the last government. 

They’re not desperate for a leap to the left.

They’re waiting for Labour to demonstrate it genuinely understands their needs - and that means endorsing more of what National is doing - the things the voting public approves of.

Every time Labour attacks policies and a government that voters generally approve of they alienate themselves further from potential supporters who are swinging between Labour and National.

He goes on to write:

It simply beggars belief to say that the right response to that situation is to start flying into the most popular things National is doing.

Take those calls by Labour’s critics on the left that Labour should tell thousands of people in Christchurch, who are using buckets for their ablutions - that politicking over the CERA law is more important than actually getting things fixed for them as fast as possible.

Insisting the public is wrong is a recipe for even more disaster. Attacking constructive things the government is doing is exactly the wrong option.

If anything, Labour should be pursuing more of a consensus approach, so that it can own more of the right direction.

So the answer is not to oppose, but to work with the government, even though the government will get all the credit. Exactly what is the point in being the opposition? And you thought this post was a satire? When did the party of Savage, Kirk and Clark become such a pack of lambs?

Pagani's strategy is to play the "me too" game. For Labour to become National-Lite. Labour could keep fighting for policies that they know are right, even if they don't achieve anything in the short term. Or they could keep doing what they are doing: surrendering the fight. What they are doing is pissing away Labour's core support.

And is the National-Lite approach working? Look at the polls!

Saying No To Ratana

I’ve never quite understood the reason why politicians of all descriptions flock to Ratana every year. But most politicians aren’t mugs, so I figure they must see some benefit in abasing themselves before the Ratana leadership.

But some within Ratana are now sounding like attention-seeking children.

Radio New Zealand has reported that a senior Ratana leader, Kereama Pene, is upset because none of the people with Ratana connections on the Labour list have a show of getting into parliament, based on current polling. He is calling upon Ratana followers to vote for another party.

Quite why Ratana followers shouldn’t make up their own minds about who to vote for, rather than be told by church leaders, isn’t clear.

The fact that Louisa Wall, the new Labour MP, has ties with Ratana also appears to have been ignored in all of this.

I profess relative ignorance about Ratana, and I don’t know much about the religion beyond what I can find in Wikipedia. I’m sure Ratana’s version of the imaginary friend in the sky is just as benevolent, all-powerful and all-knowing as everyone else’s. So this is not a dig at the religious beliefs of Ratana specifically.What I take offence at is a religious leader demanding more power for his church, on the back of a threat to take his people elsewhere.

What would the reaction be if Pope Benedict demanded high list rankings for Catholic Labour Party members? Okay, so that might not be a good example, because for all I know there might already be a good number of Catholics high on the Labour list. But we'd still be mortified if such a demand were ever to be made. The fact that it's Ratana making the demands doesn't make it any less wrong.

We should not tolerate interference in our political system by any religion. That is all.

Awful Poll Smashes Labour Hopes

The TV3 Reid Research poll is dire news for Labour. You can't usually read too much into a single poll, but this one is spectacularly bad. It follows a number of polls that have been either bad or mediocre at best for Labour.

This close to an election Labour ought to be closing the gap with National. But it seems that the worse things get for the country, and the more bad news we have, the stronger the support for National grows. It is tempting to attribute this to people seeking out strong leadership in a time of crisis, and there may be something in that, even if some of the woes besetting us have been exacerbated by this government.

The difference between the two parties is leadership. John Key may lead a pretty average cabinet, and the calibre of some of National's backbench talent (if I can use the word "talent" to describe lightweights such as Melissa Lee) should be of some concern to the party. But people love Key. If something happened to Key the Nats would probably suddenly look as clueless as the opposition, because there's not that much quality behind him. Bill English as PM?

Then there's the Labour leadership. I don't care how nice they are as people. They're just a terrible opposition. The excuses used by Labour to justify voting for measures that would disgrace any genuinely socially liberal party just won't wash any more. If people are walking away from Labour then it's the Labour leadership who are to blame.

This particular poll result showed that support for the Greens slipped also. But I'd expect quite a few disillusioned Labour voters will start looking at other alternatives. Like the Greens, or NZ First.

The failings of Labour have now become the dominant theme in political discourse in this country. So awful have Labour been that they've handed National a free pass. Instead of investigating the South Canterbury Finance debacle and asking tough questions of the government, political journalists are more interested in reporting on the squabbles and strife within the main opposition party. I suspect that only a cleanout at the top, and of the dead wood within the party, will do the trick. This will probably happen when (as now seems increasingly likely) Labour is smashed to bits in November.

Labour were perhaps too complacent after 2008, and that was no better demonstrated than by the bloodless leadership transition from Clark to Goff. They comforted themselves that they'd done nothing wrong and that John Key would be a nine day wonder. A bloody battle for leadership might have done the party some good, helping to establish what they stood for and giving some direction and purpose to the organisation.

So maybe something good will come from a savage beating at the polls in November.

Labour MPs Explain Voting Decision

Labour Party MPs have defended their decision to vote in favour of a controversial new law passed this week.

The legislation passed by the government under urgency on Wednesday night requires all welfare beneficiaries to be paraded in town squares throughout the country, where they are to be pelted with rotten food and sprayed with raw sewage.

In a post on Labour Party blogsite Red Alert, MP Clare Curran wrote that the decision to vote for the law had been a difficult one, but the right one.

“Being in opposition isn’t always about opposing,” wrote Ms Curran.

“Sometimes it is better to work with the government to seek a change in legislation rather than take the high ground and oppose it altogether.”

Ms Curran wrote that she was proud of her party for achieving a number of late amendments to the bill.

“The original three-strikes provision of the bill gave authorities the option of forcefully sterilising DPB parents on the birth of their third child. But Labour successfully modified this tough provision so that it will not come into force for at least a week. That's a huge relief for beneficiaries.

“We have also obtained a commitment from the Prime Minister than he will consider at some stage in the future, at a time to be determined by him at his sole discretion, an amendment to the law so that beneficiaries can opt in to being stripped, beaten and flogged in dedicated re-education facilities, rather than be paraded publicly through the towns. We think this provides a real alternative for those who have food allergies.

"Mr Key has promised he’ll do this, even though it’s not in the bill, and that’s good enough for us.”

Ms Curran acknowledged that the decision by Labour to vote for the law was a difficult one.

“I understand and am sympathetic to many of you who have raised concerns about this legislation, and who are deeply discomforted by having a sterilisation and ritualised humiliation provision in the law, even if some parts of the law are on hold until next week.

“But rather than oppose these measures outright, we realised that the only option was to compromise. I think New Zealand’s a much better place as a result.”

Labour Party leader Phil Goff also defended Labour’s decision to vote in favour of the new law during all readings of the bill.

“Let me reiterate that this is still a bad law,” said Mr Goff.

“We could have opposed it, but that would have achieved nothing. If we keep opposing every bill that comes along we'll always be known as the opposition. We don't want to be the opposition forever.

"People are telling me that they want Labour to be more positive. That's why we've decided to vote for every stupid bit of law this government puts up, even though we hate doing it.

"This may well be an appallingly evil piece of law, but it's time we stopped saying no all the time."

Why Does National Hate Our Freedoms?

Last night the National Government pushed through the earthquake recovery legislation under urgency. A large number of last minute amendments were introduced to the bill, and none of these were properly debated. Labour, the most supine of oppositions, whined about the process but voted in favour of the bill anyway.

But this post is not going to explore why we have such a timid opposition, and why the Greens appear to be the only party in Parliament prepared to stand by its principles. That would be a long post indeed.

On Wednesday night National rammed through the Copyright (Infringing File Sharing) Amendment Bill under urgency. Nobody has adequately explained why there was a need for urgency in the case of this bill. It can only be surmised that National pushed it through because they feel as if they have impunity and can do anything they want.

Even National Party stalwarts are now lamenting the overuse of urgency by this government.

The debates on both lots of Canterbury earthquake legislation (in September 2010 and this week) demonstrate that this government has only contempt for the concept of consultation. Its preferred method of governance is rule by decree. At the heart of this government is a savage disdain towards democracy and the traditions of parliament. Urgency is a way to bypass the select committee process, a process designed to identify the flaws in legislation and to give the public the opportunity to comment on proposed laws. Bills frequently get amended as a result of the select committee process, because it exposes politicians to expert opinion on whether draft legislation is workable or appropriate.

But National doesn’t seem to care what the public think about the laws being passed. Nor does it care for measures designed to restrain the powers of its ministers. The Canterbury earthquake legislation has given ministers enormous powers, although some may argue that the crisis warranted such extraordinary powers. However, some of the checks and balances proposed by opposition parties during debate on the bills and rejected by this government were perfectly reasonable and wouldn’t have impeded the legitimate exercise of power for recovery purposes.

This government is now threatening our right to participate in the legislative process, and its use of urgency and extraordinary measures is increasing. For a democracy to function properly all citizens must have the right to participate in the process of making law, otherwise we are simply living under a three-year dictatorship.

So why does National hate our democratic freedoms? And how is it that we let them get away with this?

And when will the New Zealand Herald commence a "Democracy Under Attack" campaign over this outrage?