An Exclusive: Is National's New Caucus Harbouring A War Criminal? UPDATED!

An investigation by this blogsite has revealed that the new National Party caucus may be harbouring the infamous Nazi war criminal Martin Bormann.

Bormann was one of Hitler's top henchmen, but his fate is unknown. Many believe he was killed while attempting to escape the fall of Berlin in 1945, but no solid proof of his death has ever been established.

This has led to speculation over the years that Bormann escaped and made a new life under an assumed identity.

We put to the National Party the claim that Bormann had come in on the party list as a result of Saturday's election, and we asked if someone from the party would be prepared to talk to us about the matter.

However, the party has refused to respond to our requests for an interview.

When we rang the party's head office yesterday we whispered very softly into the phone and mumbled a lot until the person at the other end of the phone hung up in disgust. Yes, that's right, they hung up on us when we started to ask the hard questions, albeit in a very muffled and indistinct voice.

Why would the party be so reluctant to talk if there was nothing to hide?

What makes this matter even more serious is that Bormann would have been ineligible to stand as a candidate under the Electoral Act, because he is not a New Zealand citizen. 

So if National has nothing to hide then it's time the party came clean. National needs to answer some tough questions, like:

• Is Martin Bormann one of National's new MPs?
• If so, how long has the party known it has been harbouring a notorious war criminal?
• Martin Bormann was born in 1900, so would be 111 years old. It would be difficult to hide that sort of decrepitude, unless there has been a concerted plot by the National hierarchy to conceal the truth from the voting public. So exactly what measures have been taken to conceal Bormann's age?
• Have the National Party or any of its financial backers been funding medical research to prolong Bormann's life? Or plastic surgery to conceal his age?
• What other Nazi war criminals, if any, is National hiding?
• What influence has Bormann has on National Party policy? 
• Does National condone the deliberate flouting of electoral laws by its candidates?

Bormann (circled) with other members of the Nazi regime

It may be that the party inadvertently selected the geriatric genocidal monster, in which case the best thing to do would be to just own up.

In any event, it is obvious that the longer National waits to answer these questions the worse it will be for the party in the end.

National also needs to agree to fully co-operate with war crimes investigators, in order to ensure Bormann is finally brought to trial for his many crimes.

The millions of victims of Nazi atrocities cry out for justice.  National, you owe the public an explanation!

UPDATE: No.

Today's Beat-Up

The media, bloggers and politicians are in a lather over the name suppression granted to a former All Black.

To many people the name protection seemingly granted automatically to celebrities and sports stars proves there is one rule for the famous and one rule for us nobodies.

However, this belief doesn't always stand up to scrutiny.

In the case of the ex-All Black in question the charge involves an alleged assault on a child, and the name suppression is in any case interim.

In cases involving children, name suppression is common, regardless of who the accused is. It's likely that the reason for the suppression order was at least in part to protect the identities of the victim or young witnesses.

In any event the law has been changed to clarify that celebrity status does not in itself give someone a better right to name suppression. While the ex-All Black's name suppression bid was heard under the old law, railing against the inequities of the system seems like wasted effort when in future cases (at least in theory) celebrities won't get special treatment.

I commend you to read Steven Price's excellent post on this topic. He is more learned on such matters than I ever will be.

Reforming Labour

Hard-hitting left-wing columnist and Chairman of the Workers Solidarity Party of Aotearoa, Bob Mittsky, returns with a new post on the plight of Labour.

Most of you who follow my work will be aware that I campaigned actively for the Mana Party during the election campaign.

Sadly, I came to the realisation that the party is hopelessly reactionary and filled to the brim with class enemies like John Minto and Sue Bradford. They rejected my suggestion that I run as co-leader with Hone Harawira, and the public punished them for it.

I have now washed my hands of them. But another party is in turmoil and I sense there may be opportunities for genuine revolutionary reform within the Labour Party.

Below are a few modest suggestions on my part for Labour to consider.

Destroy the Greens

They are the enemy and must be obliterated. That means no deals, no dialogue, and outright hostility at every step. They stole Labour's votes and must pay the price for their treachery.

Re-engage with the unions

Labour was created from the union movement, and that is where it must return. Too many members and MPs are middle class or come from professional or managerial backgrounds. Membership of a union must be compulsory before anyone can join the party.

Stability and experience

Forget all the hogwish about renewal. Labour needs wise heads right now. The departure of Goff and King will be a big loss, but there are other experienced people there to take over the role. A Mallard/Dyson team would deliver that experience in spades and would have the public flocking back to the party.

They will suffice as caretaker puppets, until the unions can secure enough votes to purge them from the party altogether in a bloody coup, and install a team with the correct view on the proletarian struggle.

I might add at this point that I have just joined the Party.

Return to socialist roots

All middle-class bourgeois sentiment must be ruthlessly expunged from the party, in favour of all-out class warfare. The capitalists have stolen our country from under our noses, and must be made to pay the ultimate price.

And let us remember the thousands of small business owners who have turned away from Labour in the last few years. They cannot be rescued from their hopelessly capitalist condition, so we will introduce policies to destroy them and implement a socialist utopia.

Secrecy

I have heard all too many calls for the process of policymaking and leadership selection to be more open and transparent.

Well our enemies would say that, wouldn't they? Of course they want to see what we are doing!

But let's not play their game. A highly secretive party apparatus with questionable accountability, and mysterious selection processes, are essential to keep the other parties guessing.

And anyone within the party who criticises that secrecy is a class enemy. Let them speak up now, so that they may be re-educated!

New North Shore MP Denies Leadership Plot

Speculation is mounting that North Shore MP Maggie Barry will seek the leadership of the National Party, after she told reporters there would be no CBD rail link.

The gardening guru's decision not to proceed with the rail link, only a couple of days after being elected in a safe seat, surprised many commentators. This has in turn led to speculation that Barry may have the numbers to replace John Key, and that Barry is confident she will shortly have the power to kill the rail project.

While Key is regarded as a strong campaigner and a crucial asset to the National Party, it is understood that some caucus members prefer a leader with more hands-on gardening experience.

Critics have been impressed by Barry's campaign for the North Shore seat, and credit her winning the seat to the fact that she was a member of the National Party.

"Had Ms Barry decided to contest the seat for Labour she would have lost, " observed right-wing blogger and newspaper columnist Hansell Le Rou.

"Joining the National Party was a brilliant tactical move that ensured she delivered the North Shore seat safe and sound to National. As opposed to any other National candidate, who would have done the same thing.

"Well done, Maggie. You have pulled one out of the bag for the party!"

"Barry's decision to be both sentient and human has saved the party a lot of potential grief," said former National MP Donald Grout.

"Had National stood a mule or a chicken for the North Shore seat, the inevitably victorious animal may have been subjected to a messy legal challenge following the election.

"We might have seen much the same thing had the party stood a jar of marmalade as its candidate. I've no doubt the jar of marmalade would have won comfortably, but some litigious busybody may have objected.

"Having a living, breathing human as the North Shore MP avoids such an unnecessary distractions. We owe Ms Barry a debt of gratitude."

Ms Barry denied she was looking at the National leadership.

"I have only been in the job a couple of days," she told reporters from her garden as she planted a row of Imperial Hubris flowers.

"I'm still finding my feet and there's so much to learn. I won't have time to think about the National Party leadership until later in the week."

My Advice To ACT

Ditch John Banks

He will just destroy what remains of your party. This will be a hard call, but it is the right thing to do.

Banks is a moral conservative with authoritarian impulses. He is now contemplating talking to the Conservatives, although to his credit Colin Craig wants to go nowhere near the festering and pus-filled wound that is the ACT Party.

ACT was founded in the principles of classical liberalism and non-interference by the state in both the economic and personal spheres. But many of ACT’s policies (e.g. in the law and order area) are profoundly illiberal. No wonder they sit at 1%.

Ditch the brand

The ACT brand is forever tarnished, and will always be associated with the likes of David Garrett, and with other assorted oddballs and misfits. The party needs a new name and a new brand.

Do a cleanout

I don’t know much about the internal workings of the ACT machine or its governing board. Clearly, however, that governing body has failed miserably. Its members should all be sacked.

Don’t be a National poodle

What exactly is the point of ACT right now? Is there a single policy that ACT would stand against if National proposed it? I can’t think of anything National might realistically propose that ACT would say no to.

People don't have a good reason to vote ACT. Voters may as well stay with the Nats.

Don’t follow my advice

I’m happy to see ACT remain the 1% party.

Zip It

I fully appreciate that deciding not to vote for anyone in an election can be a valid choice, and I would never support a compulsory voting system.

I am always prepared to excuse a person who made a conscious decision not to vote.

But how many of the hundreds of thousands of people who didn't vote, or didn't even bother enrolling, fall into the "consciously decided not to vote" category?

I imagine a good number of them instead fall into the "something was good on the telly so I stayed home" category", or the "nah, politics doesn't affect me" one.

In Egypt there is an election where people are queueing for hours and hours just to be able to vote. Old folk in their 80s are voting for the first time in their lives, and they are thrilled at the chance they have been given.

I won't hold it against you if you didn't vote, because you may have had a good reason not to.

But if your reason was "too busy mowing the lawn to bother," or "had a big one the night before so stayed in bed all day", then I don't want to hear a single whinge from you during the next three years about either the government or opposition parties. You had your chance to make a difference.

So What Have We Learned Since Saturday?

• John Key says the election has delivered him a mandate for asset sales, even though National got less than half the vote. On that argument Labour also has a mandate for raising the retirement age and for a capital gains tax.
• People who didn't vote for the party I voted for are stupid. Just stupid. Now I don't have to examine why they voted that way, because... well, they're just idiots, you idiot!
• The Maori Party say they are opposed to asset sales and won't vote for them. How very brave of them to show some spirit. Even if that spirit lasts about five minutes.
• The 5% MMP threshold needs to be reduced. The only +1% party to miss out this time around is Colin Craig's Conservative Party. Surely Mr Craig should be entitled to expect a better return on his money.
• Everyone on the right from the PM to bloggers seems to have a pet opinion on who the next Labour leader should be. We should listen to their views, because they only have the good of the Labour Party in mind.
• As awful and as crashing as Labour's defeat was, quite a lot of people still voted for them. 27% may not sound like much, but it's still much more than all the other opposition parties combined. If they had increased their vote by a quarter they might have been in a position to form a government right about now. So things need to change, but it's hardly the death of the party.
• Chances are this is National's high point. John Key will have trouble convincing people from now on that everything bad is Labour's fault. He will have to find another scapegoat. My pick is the Greeks.
• As much as we may all hate Winston, he can't do too much damage in opposition. In fact, he'll probably turn out to be John Key's worst nightmare in the House.
• For all the talk about the fresh faces in the National caucus, there's still no obvious successor to John Key.
• People stayed home from the election in their thousands. Not exactly a vote of confidence in the Opposition, but what does it say about the government?  At best it is a resounding "Meh".
• Some potential Labour leadership candidates are highly vulnerable to attack over their pasts. Imagine the attacks from the right if David Shearer became Labour leader: "Shearer claimed to have saved 20 million lives in his role as UN Humanitarian Coordinator, but he only saved 15 million! Liar! How can this man be trusted?"
• Despite Labour's defeat the sun still came out on Sunday. That hot scorching vicious bitch of a sun!
• Tau Henare is still a list MP. I am happy.
• I will not be the next Labour leader. That I promise you.

What’s The Hurry?

Until Phil Goff steps down as Labour leader (which I think is a given), there will be a clamour within the media to pick his successor. Already a handful of names are being circulated, and I have it on good authority (from a source outside the party) that at least one of the contenders has been doing the numbers (but my lips are sealed!)

But the worst thing the party can now do is rush to choose a successor. What I’d like to see is an announcement by Goff that he will step down, but not until after the new year. That would give the party a couple of months to reflect upon what went wrong and what needs to change, and to properly debate who is best to deal with the challenges the party now faces.

The new leader will need to be clear and focused. One of the problems with the first two years of the last parliamentary term was that Labour were all over the place and frequently off-message. That cannot be allowed this time.

The new leader must also be untainted by any serious wrongdoing or questionable conduct. There are clouds hanging over two of the five or six contenders being spoken about, although in both cases the matters in question are minor. One has the potential to lead to ongoing embarrassment and ridicule, which is why I am picking that potential candidate won’t stand.

The leader must also be a unifier. For all the things we on the left might like to say about John Key, we could learn a lot by studying how Key first neutralised and then accommodated Bill English during National’s last leadership change. Helen Clark did much the same in the mid-1990s with Cullen.  Rather than pitting one leadership pairing against another, one option is to run a “dream ticket” comprising the top two candidates. That assumes, of course, that the leadership ambitions of the loser can be stifled and that those who voted against the loser can stomach seeing that person as deputy. And yet Helen Clark made it work – eventually.

Most of all the new leader must be able to slug it out in the House with John Key. In my mind a couple of the main contenders, while able and likeable and with impressive pre-politics CVs, may not be up to the task. There is no time to learn on the job.

But these are only my initial impressions, and as we see more of the future stars of the party step up in the next few weeks it is possible I will see them in a different light and will reassess my views.

The biggest challenge leading up to 2014 is renewal. I have reflected a bit since Labour’s 2011 party list was first released, and I was probably far too kind to Labour at the time. In hindsight the list composition was a major mistake, and the party now has perhaps six to eight MPs who might have usefully moved on to retirement. The party cannot afford to lose the likes of Sepuloni and Nash, and there is plenty of talent at the lower end of the list. Phil Goff and Annette King have said they will stay on until the end of their terms, but I wonder if they would be better off stepping aside at some point during the next three years, in order to transition some new people into parliament. I can think of at least three other Labour electorate MPs who perhaps need to think about doing the right thing by the party.

But there’s no hurry. The media might be itching to see a bloody battle kick off, but it won’t be in the interests of the party to provide them with such sport.

Candidate Remains Confident Despite Receiving No Votes

Independent candidate Dwayne "The Dude" Baker said he remained confident of a good result from his election campaign, despite not receiving any votes in Saturday's election.

Mr Baker campaigned for the Te Atatu seat in the general election, but failed to secure any votes.

Baker's name was not on the ballot paper, after he failed to submit papers to the Electoral Commission by the cut-off date.

The controversial former Labour MP said he was happy with his campaign, and remained confident he would still be in the running once special votes were counted.

"I am totally stoked, dude," said Mr Baker from his flat in Henderson yesterday. "They haven't even finished counting the votes, so anything can happen."

Mr Baker was undaunted by reports that the total number of special votes to be counted was less than the winning margin on the night by Labour MP Phil Twyford.

He said he was also not concerned at the fact his name was not on the ballot paper.

"I rang the number for the Electricity Commission on Friday night and said I wanted to run, but it's not my problem if they don't check their messages.

"Those fascists just don't wanna know about the Real Deal," said Mr Baker.

"But I won't be silenced. The people will rise up and be heard. This ain't over, my man."

Mr Baker was a Labour list MP until a few months ago. He was ejected from the Labour Party after a live interview on the Campbell Live television show. Mr Baker told host John Campbell that cabinet minister Paula Bennett was a "hot babe", and that he would "totally, like, tap that."

Baker was ejected from the party a week after the interview. Labour leader Phil Goff said Baker's behaviour was "disgraceful, boorish and offensive to all women. That is not the way I expect a member of my caucus to conduct himself in public."

It was not the first public incident involving Mr Baker. Labour Party leaders had become increasingly exasperated by his behaviour well before his ejection from the party.

Earlier this year Baker admitted planning to vote for National, and he also admitted entering into discussions with Hone Harawira about forming a new political party.

Mr Baker had sought the Labour nomination for Te Atatu back in 2010, but a mix-up meant he failed to get his nomination in on time.

Baker admitted to reporters he had spent all election day knocking on doors, and telling people to vote for him.

"I felt like total shit, because Baz and some mates were around my flat last night and we got totally wasted. But I still managed to get up about lunchtime to knock on some doors in Epsom with my mates."

Mr Baker said he was not concerned that Epsom was not part of his electorate, or that he had broken the law by campaigning on election day.

"Nah, not even bro. I'm not going doorknocking around here, because every second house has a big dog, and being mauled by a dog would, like, totally suck. Plus Epsom's a sweet place, and the houses are real fine.

"Best of all, Baz reckoned he spotted a few houses we can bust into later, with heaps of sweet stereos and flat-screen TVs.

"That's going to buy us a mountain of shit to smoke.

"And no cops are gonna tell The Dude what he can and can't do on his weekend. It's a free country, man!"

Mr Baker said he did not know what he would do if he failed to return to Parliament.

"Not having an MP's salary would cramp The Dude's style, there's no doubt," said Mr Baker.

"I am one for the ladies, as you well know. I've never met a lady I didn't want to tap. Except my Mum. And Gran.

"The ladies like a man with the cash, but if I lose I'll make do with my charms and my style," said Mr Baker from the lounge of his flat as he scrounged around the filthy floor for three-day-old pizza while wearing only stained underpants.

He said he was thrilled at the result of a recent magazine sex survey that found 95% of women would sooner go to bed with Paul Holmes or a rotten pig's carcass than the former Labour MP.

"Five percent rated me ahead of Paul Holmes and the pig. That's, like, one in twenty! "

"So there are thousands of women who will let me bone them in some circumstances. Sweet as!

"I'm a grinner, I'm a lover, and I'm a sinner. The ladies can't keep their hands off my stuff."

Sunday Horror

I hate post-mortems. All that blood, and the smell. The smell!

Maybe It Is Over After All

It was pretty obvious that Labour was going to lose, and I had adjusted for that reality. I never listen when people say "oh but don't believe those polls, they're biased because [insert pet theory]". The polls predicted a Labour vote in the mid-late 20s, and that's what we got.

So no great shocks really. I am delighted that my local candidate, Phil Twyford, smashed Tau Henare convincingly to take Te Atatu, and I'm proud to have been part of his campaign.

I'm also sad at the loss of so many good Labour MPs, like Stuart Nash and Carmel Sepuloni (although Sepuloni may still scrape in on special votes). Many other good candidates missed out, because they were given list places too low, and because the party decided that a bunch of people whose time has passed should be protected.

This was the biggest mistake Labour made. Its election campaign was a good one, but the damage had been done months before. 

The fact that National ran an awful and clumsy campaign and that it didn't make a bit of difference to the party's vote, indicates that most people made their minds up long ago.

And now we have potentially weeks of intrigue over Labour's leadership. I hope they don't rush the decision about who the leader should be, because there needs to be debate about the direction the party is to take.

The good news is that National has now had three years to fix things. In 2014 Key's efforts to blame Helen Clark's government are going to sound piss-weak.

Not Over Yet

Thousands of special votes remain uncounted. So why have commentators called the election so early?

It's not over yet!

WE CAN STILL WIN THIS!

It's Over

We have three years now to enjoy/regret/curse/celebrate what the voters of NZ have given us.

I spent the day doorknocking, and the vibe was good in Te Atatu. Whether the good vibe translates to a positive result for Labour remains to be seen.

Even if Labour doesn't win tonight, I'll be pleased if Phil Twyford gives Tau Henare a good belting.

Comments have now been enabled again, and all the posts that were kin moderation have now been released.

Now I am off to celebrate/commiserate at electorate HQ.

Election Day Post #10

They say all good things must come to an end.

But they're probably the same people who told me to invest in Hanover Finance.

Election Day Post #9

I happen to be a big believer that people should [redacted].

That's why I intend to [redacted] today and why you should too.

In fact, if you don't [redacted], you'll only have yourself to blame when [redacted].

Am I clear?

Election Day Post #8

This is a square.

But if you lengthen two of its sides, you can turn it into a rectangle.

How cool is that?

Election Day Post #7

It's funny how what I say at 6:59 pm can get me into trouble, but I can say the same thing at 7:01 pm and all is well.

Well to hell with all of that. I'm making a stand. I have something to say!

I think Justin Bieber would make a wonderful PM.

Election Day Post #6

Has anyone actually been to Botswana? It sounds like one of those made up lands. Like Narnia, or Middle Earth, or Canada.

I would like to go to Botswana one day.

Election Day Post #5

My favourite colour is...

Oh, wait, that might get me arrested today.

Let's talk about something else instead. Who likes jam?

Election Day Post #4

I would eat more cheese if I could. I'm not fussy on cheese. It's my greatest weakness. Well, that and committing acts of evil.

Election Day Post #3

This is a picture of Pythagoras.

Election Day Post #2

Hippos kill about 300 people a year in Africa. They don't look that dangerous, do they?

Election Day Post #1

It's incredible the things you can do with needlework.

Turning Off

Unfortunately I have to close off blog comments before midnight tonight, due to our absurd and outdated electoral laws.  I have set my blog so that all comments posted will go to moderation, and I will then release them after 7:00 pm tomorrow.

I have done this now, as I am out late tonight, and the last thing I need as I stumble home inebriated at 1:00 am is a squad of police cars outside my house waiting for me, with Inspector Plod of the CIB Electoral Crimes Division ready to cuff me and take me down to the station for questioning.

I can only imagine the grilling I’d get from those hardened cops.

“I thought I’d seen it all,” Inspector Plod will tell me as we face off against each other in the police interview room.

“Murders, muggings, and crimes against women and children. But your flagrant breach of section 197 of the Electoral Act 1993 is a crime against the very fabric of our society!

“You disgust me!” he will yell before running out of the room to be sick in a rubbish bin.

I’m also pretty sure I’d be in for a hell of a beating by the cops.

So I’m not gonna break no laws. This means comments go off until after 7pm on Saturday.

But don’t worry, people, because I have organised something special on this site for the day of the election. Wait and see.

A Warning And A Simple Plea

The Herald’s John Armstrong asks, should we prepare for the zombie apocalypse?

Armstrong is referring to the rise of Winston Peters from the dead, but what he fails to appreciate is that a much more real zombie menace is around the corner.

You may scoff, but I am convinced that all the signs are pointing to a catastrophe if National wins the election tomorrow.

If I were you I would be taking in stocks of fresh water and checking you have lots of batteries, torches, dried food and sharpened stakes.

Because if we wake up on Sunday to a National government, I predict the dead will rise from the graves in their millions, threatening the entire human race.

These undead monsters will have but one goal: to devour our brains!

You don’t believe me. I can tell by the shaking of your head. You think this is just some desperate ploy by a Labour hack to discourage people from voting for National.

Well you may think that, but let me ask you something... how did you pick it?

Was the zombie dawn thing just pushing it too far?

How about a Chinese invasion? That would bring together two very powerful themes: our fear of losing control of our lands and assets to foreigners, and the latent fear of Asians that bubbles away in so many people.

Would that make you change your mind about voting National?

What if I convinced you that National has plans after the election to abolish the environment and replace it with a motorway. Would that work?

Or how about the almost certain fact that if John Key wins another term he will throw off his suit, start wearing a black uniform and grow a moustache, and organise mass National Party rallies up and down Queen Street?

None of this is working, is it? I've also tried over the last few months to explore on this blogsite all the very real and lousy things National is doing or has planned, but to no avail. I see then that I must adopt a different stratagem.

I would try bribing you for your vote but apparently that’s illegal, and I’m also told that threatening to do harm to you and your family if you don’t vote as I command may give rise to some less than desirable legal consequences. I’ve always said that our criminal laws are mostly just a lot of red tape nonsense and unnecessary regulation, but I have no choice but to follow the rules.

So if I can’t frighten you into voting Labour, and if I’m not allowed to threaten or bribe you, that really leaves only one tactic...

Please vote Labour.

Please.

Pretty please?

Please, I’m begging you. Please!

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please   is this working yet? please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please what about now? please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.

Please?

Request For Urgent Assistance

Greetings to you!

Allow me introduce myself to you. My name is Hon Steven Joyce, and I am top official National Party.

The leader of party, His Excellency Right Honourable John Key came into a great deal of power three years ago after many battle with enemy forces, but due to numerous of complications and legal issue pertain to electoral laws, his power has been unable to exercise fully.

These various bureaucratic and administrative complexions mean that the power His Excellency would wield must be subject to coalition partners. If full majority obtain in Parliament, these difficults would dissipate.

Hence, good sir, I am write to you on entire confidential basis in the hope of solicit your most generous assistance.

To enable His Excellent's power unleashed unbridle we humble and sincere request that you honour us with your party vote this Saturday.

In returns for party vote, I can assure that you will be most grievously reward.

I am instruct to inform you that in returns for party vote, you will receipt a Brighter Future, as well as benefit of Strong and Stable Government that Have Ambition for All New Zealands.

His Excellently also instructing me to assure that, despite holes on the government budget projectings big enough for walking flock of goat through, his government are Pay Down Debt Faster.

Lastly, Rt Hon Mr Key’s government will Rebuild Christchurch. It in fact main party at war with His Excellency government, Labour, vowing to destroy that magnificent city and all the peoples within.

This may sound too good for be true, and you may wondering why you trust the wording of man who so blatantly braked promises over GST, and who now trying to conceal informative about shading deals with ACT, and about advising he got from officials over fact SOE shares ending up mostly in foreign hoardings.

But you may rest assured, good sir, that this is not a scam! I give you my wording as a Man of God.

So give us your party vote if you want good things happen. In return for which the Brighter Future you so rightly desire be yours in abundant.

What have you lose by giving one tiny little vote to the National Party?

I am most confidence you will see this for the once in lifetime opportunism it is. A chance to enrich yourself and your family, while at the same time help a good and honourable man come into his powerfulness.

Many thankings for your time, and I await most eager your response.

May God be with your.

Steven Joyce

Right Whingers: Edition XXXVIII

Isn't it amusing how, after having it almost entirely their own way for most of the last three years, supporters of National now accuse the media of political bias?

David Farrar also worries that the media are no longer simply publishing National Party talking points as news.

Could the answer be to put Paul Henry on TV3 24-7? They should do a whip-around to try keep Henry in New Zealand.

Maybe the problem for these folk is that the media are just not biased enough.

Crunching The Numbers: Voting Strategically On Saturday

I've been crunching the numbers and feeding them through some algorithms, all in an effort to help people work out how they should vote if they want a Labour-led government.

With MMP each voter gets two votes, and there are lots of tactical voting decisions to make. How you cast your vote will have a big impact on which party wins power, so voters will have to be canny about the choices they make.

The purpose of this voting guide is to help centre-left voters make the right choices.

I'll break it down in steps, because some of the nuances of the MMP system mean it can be difficult to understand what you need to do.

Here we go.

Party Vote

This vote is really critical and will determine who forms the next government.

Vote Labour.

Electorate Vote

This is where it gets complicated, so I'll go through this slowly.

Vote Labour.

Except in Epsom, where you need to vote National (urgh!).

I appreciate that was probably quite complex, but it's worth rereading if you want a Labour-led government on Sunday.

You're welcome!

Don't Stay Home

The worst thing about National winning a majority of the seats in Parliament and being able to govern alone, is that it would give John Key the unbridled power he so desperately craves.

Key is no student of history, and he appears intent on ensuring New Zealand repeats many of the mistakes it made in the 1980 and 1990s. That means more asset sales and more deregulation.

As a result the gap between the richest and poorest will increase over the next three years, if National is re-elected. I would put money on that. 

John Key has managed to convince a large number of voters that he is a political moderate, and that he won't do anything sudden or frightening. However, Key and his cabinet have only contempt for the state sector, a contempt that comes out whenever they begin talking about the public service. It's a fair bet that we'll see more moves in the next three years to gut the public service, and to deregulate. Indeed, if National secures a majority the temptation to take radical measures will be irresistible.

John Key has promised not to sell any state assets during the next three years, if re-elected, other than the four he's said will be part-sold. This will be a difficult promise to keep, and I expect we will see a move to put plenty more of our SOEs on the block during that time. This broken promise will be justified in the same way that the "no GST-rise" promise was.  We'll be told that Key's plain words actually meant something else and that a lie is no longer a lie.

Key will also have the benefit of an economic crisis to justify extraordinary measures. Europe remains at the point of collapse, and internal pressures continue to mount within New Zealand. The massive insurance problems in Christchurch, which National has no interest in helping to resolve, are looking like they will delay the rebuild by potentially years. And National has announced no new policies to turn around the four decades of economic slide our country has experienced. National's answer is for us to sell more dairy and meat, but we are in the midst of a commodities boom and yet still find ourselves going backwards. What's going to happen when the boom times end?

The 2011 election is not yet lost, but even if National is pulling ahead that's no reason for voters on the left to give up and stay home on election day. Labour supporters who may be feeling discouraged need to remember that the election is just one battle in a larger campaign for the future of this country. A heavy defeat will prolong the campaign, so if Labour supporters stay home and don't bother to vote, they may be dooming New Zealand to six more years of National rule, not three.

If Labour is hit hard in the polls this time, it will be more difficult for Labour to present itself as a viable alternative to National in 2014, because the party will potentially lose a lot of good talent. So it is critical that Labour supporters don't sit at home this time round.

If you don't like the direction this country is going in you have two main choices. You can leave and go live elsewhere (as thousands are doing), or you can vote for a change.

You don't have to vote on Saturday, and you are perfectly entitled to just stay home and opt out.  But if you don't like the direction this country is going in you can take a stand and vote for a change of government. Deciding there's no point in voting will just keep things as they are.

More BS By Nats On Asset Sales

So it turns out that National's claim 85-90% of the SOE shares to be sold (if National wins on Saturday) will remain in New Zealand hands was based on nothing more than a few informal chats with market contacts.

Could you imagine if it turned out that these same contacts turned out to be people like stockbrokers and consultants who, by some strange coincidence, ended up considerably better off as a result of the SOEs shares being put on the market?

But that couldn't happen, right? John Key wouldn't try to trick us like that, would he? He promised us a brighter future.

What he didn't mention was that your brighter future was across the Tasman.

"I don't understand! I thought they all loved me!"

Maybe Maggie Barry thought that being the North Shore candidate for National would be a stroll in the garden.

Imagine her surprise! It turns out that some people don’t actually like the National Party!

I’m not condoning verbal abuse or spitting, but if Ms Barry is really that upset over being told she’s not welcome in a cafe, and if she is really that horrified that someone could spit at her feet then, well, she’s in the wrong game.

The thing about politicians is they have to be prepared to take the knocks and just keep on smiling. Having a thick skin is obligatory, and the most you should ever do when someone is having a go is just quietly walk away.

This might have something to do with Barry not having been tested politically before. It is almost as if one day she woke up and decided “gosh, wouldn’t being an MP be nice? The people love me, after all”.

The reality of being a politician is much tougher, no matter who you are. This is true even in a safe National seat like North Shore, a seat so safe that if the Nats put up as their candidate Vlad the Impaler he’d win handsomely.

If Barry really is distraught because (shock! horror!) some people actually don’t like politicians, then the next three years will be an interesting experience for her.

Waiting For The Worms

Tonight is the leaders debate on TV3, and the network will be trialling a new technology called the Reactor.

It’s basically just the Worm 2.0, and it sounds to me like just another stupid gimmick.

Apparently there will be a panel of uncommitted voters, and that the panel will give its reactions separate to the general public. But unless that panel has been randomly chosen and is of a big enough sample size, then I don’t see what we will learn.

Of more concern is the fact that the public will also be able to give their reactions. Sounds fine in theory, except that the results will be skewered by the involvement of party activists. Both National and Labour are telling their supporters to use the Reactor, presumably to boost their own guy and to give negative feedback to the enemy candidate.

And I suspect we’ll be all so focused on who’s doing well and who’s bombing in the Worm that we won’t actually be listening much to what the leaders have to say.

We’re also being warned that after the debate there will be half an hour of “expert analysis”. God help us if that awful Claire Robinson is called in to give her view on who looks good or who had the best smile. I swear I’ll just hang myself if she has anything to do with the show.

The best of the leaders debates so far has been the one held by The Press. It was streamed live and had no ad breaks, and the only gimmick was the live Twitter feed (which should probably have been ditched). Best of all no so-called experts were involved to give empty-headed opinions on who was winning or losing.

I appreciate that they just can’t run a debate on primetime TV without ad breaks. The interruption of ads is just something we have to live with, and we should lower our expectations accordingly. But the other toys and gimmicks are just a further distraction.

Will we learn anything useful from the debate tonight? I suspect the only thing we’ll learn is which party has mobilised more activists.

Going Alone

National's plan to target Winston Peters is a gamble. With the ACT vote collapsing, and with Peter Dunne at risk of not winning his seat, John Key is making a pitch for the Nats to govern alone.

Of course, Key won't explicitly state that is his goal. But I'm sure Key's focus this week will be on a "strong and stable government".

We had strong and stable government in the 1980s and through the first part of the 1990s. The country has never recovered.

Sowing Fear

I'm guessing John Key feels bulletproof right now. Having seemingly stared down the news media over the "teapot" tape, he has now moved into the next phase of campaigning: scaremongering and dog-whistle politics. Meanwhile the flood of people leaving to try a better life in Australia continues.

Scaremongering

Key has been warning the public about the dangers of Winston Peters. Key is warning that if NZ First holds the balance of power we will have to have another election.

I'm not sure how Key comes to this conclusion, because if Winston holds the balance of power we'll have a Labour government. Nobody seriously believes Peters' pledge to stay out of government. He said the same thing in 2005.

I'm not a fan of Winston Peters, but if we cast our minds back to the last Labour government we ought to remember that despite all the crap with Winston towards the end, actually the government was quite stable.

So when John Key says we'll have another election if Winston Peters holds the balance of power, he's scaremongering.

His tactic may well backfire. Traditionally when politicians round on Peters his support goes up. Those who are inclined to vote for NZ First may see Key's attack as an attempt to stifle democracy. Which it kind of is. I don't much like Winston Peters, but if a large proportion of the population decide to vote for the guy then that is their right.

Dog-whistling

On 3 News tonight John Key warned about the dangers of a Labour coalition with Winston Peters, Hone Harawira and Metiria Turei.

The decision by Key to name Turei over co-leader Russel Norman was curious, but then Norman is white. Unlike Peters, Harawira and Turei.

Brighter Futures

Meanwhile the young girl that John Key cynically used in a media stunt in 2008 and then promptly forgot has decided to move to Australia for a better life. National shows no interest in the poor, other than where its leader can get a good photo-op. This girl has obviously found her Brighter Future.

This family, chosen after the Herald on Sunday launched a quest for the Average New Zealand Household, has also decided to move to Australia for a better life and higher wages.

We were told by John Key that National would arrest the drain of talent to Australia, but it has only got worse under his leadership. National talks about closing the income gap with Australia, while at the same time introducing workplace laws that will cement our position as a low wage economy.

Why are we told to fear some other combination of political parties in control of government, when the current four-headed monster continues to make such a hash of things?

Why Labour Will Win

Sometimes I'm asked why I support the Labour Party. People assume that because I'm a highly-paid professional I ought to be supporting the party that offers me the biggest tax cuts and, well, screw the rest of the country.

I tell people I support Labour because there's more to life than personal financial enrichment, and that I believe in social justice and a fairer deal for all.

But that is just some bullshit I made up to explain the real reason why I'm supporting the red team. Let me tell you the real reason.

Labour's going to win on Saturday.

You may scoff, and you may chortle, but it's true. I know it for a fact. I'm well aware of what the opinion polls say, and normally I would agree with you that to turn the deficit around in the space of a week would require an enormous effort and a lot of luck.

But this is going to be one hell of a week.

The real reason why I'm a Labour man is I always back a winner.

I'm going to let you in on a secret. My late mother had a gift. Call it the power of second-sight if you like. She could see things and sense things that others could not, and could predict future events with uncanny accuracy.

She never had much to say about politics, but I firmly believe some of her powers have passed down to me. I have seen the future with perfect clarity and I know exactly what is about to hit the fan and why John Key is about to have the worst week of his life.

Here's a brief summary of what we can look forward to.

Monday

After a busy afternoon of campaigning, the Prime Minister has one too many cameras pointed towards him. He reacts by punching the cameraman, smashing the man's equipment up, and then screaming abuse at the journalists nearby.

"When I have full control of this country, I will destroy all of you! I will have you all killed!" Mr Key will yell while the cameras continue to roll.

Tuesday

While campaigning in his Mt Roskill electorate, Phil Goff will see smoke coming from a nearby house. He will rescue twelve children from a house fire, despite being seriously burned. When asked what he thinks of Mr Goff's heroism, John Key will remark "It's a shame he got out alive."

Wednesday

A special New Zealand Herald investigation will reveal that the only reason the government's books are in deficit is because John Key has been spending millions and millions of taxpayer dollars at the TAB.

Thursday

Police will arrest Mr Key after the Prime Minister again assaults journalists, this time leaving seven of them in hospital. Key will spend the night in prison.

Friday

Mr Key will be bailed, and to the waiting media scrum outside the Auckland Central police station will break down in tears and admit he has been living a lie.

Key will confess to stealing the identity of a dead baby and will admit he got the idea from talking to a young David Garrett many years ago. John Key's true identity will be revealed as Natalie de Groin, a failed jazz singer from Rotterdam who emigrated to New Zealand at the age of twenty-three to escape a life of crime and prostitution. He/she will then resign as leader of the National Party.

In an emergency caucus meeting that afternoon, Paul Quinn will be elected as National's new leader.

Saturday

A foregone conclusion as the National vote collapses all around the country.

You probably don't believe any of this, but it really won't matter in a couple of days what you think, because I've also looked into the future to see what is in store for you next week. It's not looking good, and it's a terrible shame you won't be around to enjoy the victory celebrations.

Do you have life insurance, by the way?

Trying Hard To Lose

National Party candidate for Epsom Paul Goldsmith last night told a business gathering in Newmarket that he was once a mercenary for former Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi.

The revelation came after a television news poll showed Mr Goldsmith is well in front of ACT's John Banks in the race for Epsom electorate.

Prime Minister John Key has already signalled that Epsom voters should cast their candidate vote for Banks but give their party vote to National.

Goldsmith has been trying to keep a low profile in an effort not to win the seat, but it appears that Epsom people are turned off by the prospect of John Banks becoming their electorate MP.

Speculation is growing that Goldsmith has been told by Key to do whatever it takes to lose the contest to the ACT candidate.

Mr Goldsmith told the Newmarket Business Association gathering last night that he had served with Gaddafi in Libya, but had been dismissed for gross cowardice and theft.

He also confirmed that he has dozens of convictions for fraud, arson, theft and sedition.

In addition, Mr Goldsmith confirmed he thought communism was an excellent political ideology and that, if elected as MP for Epsom, he would seek to confiscate all the finest houses in Epsom and turn much of the electorate into a gigantic collective farm.

He then proceeded to light a joint and smoke it slowly while saying "wow, man! Wooow!"

Two days ago Mr Goldsmith was seen pulling out election signs promoting his candidacy. Yesterday he was photographed stealing a handbag from an old lady. Journalists following his campaign reported that he also stopped at a war memorial to urinate on the cenotaph, and that later in the day he told members of a men's bowls club that he was sexually attracted to them.

Cecil Brown of the Parnell Men's Bowls Club said Mr Goldsmith behaved oddly during his visit to the club.

"When he came in and kissed both the President and Treasurer on the back of their necks I thought 'hello, here's a rum sort.'

"When he asked if he could take his trousers off because he was hot, and then began walking around the club in his underwear, the Club Secretary had to have a word with him about our dress-code. We didn't expect the poor bugger to start crying and rolling around the floor.

"I've been a National man since the day I was old enough to think for myself, and I always vote for the National candidate, no matter what. We've had some pretty useless ones in recent years, like that Worth bloke, but I still gave the bastards my vote.

"But not this time. Do you know what that Goldsmith joker did? He went to the bar and ordered a light beer shandy with a straw. A straw!"

Last night Goldsmith was interviewed by 3 News' Patrick Gower and asked to explain whether he wanted to become the MP for Epsom.

Mr Goldsmith was unable to answer the question, because the flames of the church he was standing next to and had just set fire to forced him to seek shelter.

When asked to comment this morning on claims he was deliberately trying to lose the Epsom race, Goldsmith said he could not talk because he was late to a meeting with the Mongrel Mob about joining their gang.

Goldsmith later appeared on Broadway Newmarket wearing the Mongrel Mob's colours and a gang patch, where he spoke to reporters.

When asked whether he was seeking to win the seat, Mr Goldsmith said "I'm too busy planning my next killing spree to focus on the electorate contest. Party vote National!"

Enemy Of The People*

“If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear”.

It's the classic policeman's line when attempting to justify why the agencies of the state should be allowed to pry into our lives.

John Key is fighting madly to prevent the release of the recording of his conversation with John Banks. He has complained to the police, and the police are falling over themselves to be helpful to our PM.  Within a couple of hours of receiving the complaint they had issued a warning to media organisations about the dangers of releasing details of what was recorded.

Don't you wish they could move that fast when people who aren't quite so rich and powerful are involved? If I'd been a private citizen and complained earlier this week that some idiot recorded my pub conversation, I'd be willing to bet I'd still be waiting for the cops to give me a call.

The police may be more than willing to do John Key's work, but even more troubling than the swiftness of the police response is the fact John Key immediately turned to the police to solve an essentially political problem. Troubling perhaps, but not surprising.

I have a theory that the lovable and affable John Key we all see on the telly is just a facade, and that he is at heart a smug authoritarian who won’t tolerate dissent.

This may sound absurd at first, but Key's actions in calling out the cops isn’t the first example of National clamping down on debate, dissent or democracy. Consider the following:

• After the first Canterbury earthquake National pushed through emergency laws that gave ministers the power to ignore most other legislation. Even though every other political party cravenly voted in favour of the measures after an obligatory protest, the law was widely attacked within legal and academic circles as being unprecedented and borderline unconstitutional.
• National has used urgency to push through legislation more than any other government. The select committee process exists to provide the public with the ability to have their say on draft legislation, and it's a system that works. Bills are very often amended following select committee hearings. But this government thinks it knows best, and it is not interested in what the public want. The use of urgency has prevented a lot of legislation from getting proper scrutiny at select committe stage. It seems clear that the only opinions that count to John Key are those of the focus groups his party commissions and polls.
• National tried to push through under urgency legislation to legitimise retrospectively illegal police filming, thereby allowing police to spy on whomever they please. The measure was only watered down when just about every other political party complained. We were told by National at the time that if people had nothing to hide then they had nothing to fear from being taped by police. Note how only now the PM expresses outrage at the secret recording of individuals.
• Calling the police on the news media may be a new low for the PM, but it's not the first time he's attacked a journo for doing their job. In May he launched a furious assault on the credibility of journalist John Stephenson, after Stephenson made allegations of SAS involvement in torture in Afghanistan. It was a cowardly and repulsive attack on a hardworking journo by a man drunk with power.
• One of National’s latest law and order proposals is to change the law so that people who have served their sentences cannot be released if the parole board decides they are still dangerous. Think about it: a judge sentences you for five years, then an administrative board decides after you’ve done your time that you can stay a bit longer. That’s what they do in totalitarian states. It’s the sort of measure that is ripe for abuse.
• When the Waihopai Three were acquitted the Justice Minister Simon Power threw his toys out of the cot. Instead of accepting the verdict of the jury and then moving rationally and soberly to review the law, he sought an urgent change in the law to ensure future vandal priests would have to pay for their ill deeds.
• The government’s reforms of the justice sector have seen a clampdown in legal aid, making it harder for people to get legal aid, and making it harder for lawyers to claim it. These measures will make it much more difficult for people before the courts to get quality legal representation. But then why should the government care? Its behaviour is consistent with a regime that regards all people under accusation as being guilty.

With a government so authoritarian in its political instincts it’s no wonder the police are so eager to do its bidding.

I’m not trying to argue that John Key is some sort of secret Stalin. But his instincts are not democratic, and he is clearly used to getting his way. That’s all very well so long as people like him and are prepared to go along with what he wants. It's when people stand up to him that the nastiness comes out.

The trouble with allowing petty authoritarians to go about their work is that they clear a path for future troublemakers. If we allow governments to pass laws without proper consultation or supervision and to use the agencies of the state to pursue people it doesn’t like or to solve political problems, then it is only a matter of time before the occasional abuse of power becomes the norm. Imagine that sort of power in the hands of someone utterly unscrupulous.

A strong and stable democracy relies on a fearless news media prepared to call public figures to account, a criminal justice system in which the presumption of innocence is a foundation and in which the rule of law is paramount, and a police force that is independent and subject to scrutiny.  All governments from time to time try to chip away at these things, but was there ever a government of New Zealand quite so extreme in its disdain for the institutions of democracy?

* I accept this is a provocative title, but it at least got your attention.

Hurting Key

A number of people are predicting that the “teapot” saga will harm National on election day.

It’s impossible to tell whether these predictions have any merit A series of polls have been released in the last day indicating that support for National is largely steady, while NZ First seems to be on the rise. Support for Labour appears to be hovering in the late 20s, which is probably a sign that all the media focus on the PM has taken some of the attention off Phil Goff and his party.

One thing to remember with all these polls is that they are not an instant snapshot, and that polling takes place over a number of days. The Herald DigiPoll, for example, was taken from last Thursday to this Wednesday. Much of the polling took place before details about what John Key and John Banks might have spoken about became public, and before Key’s ham-fisted efforts to shut the story down became front-page news.

In summary, then, we can't yet predict how these events might influence the final outcome.

But even if National manages to escape its poor handling of this matter and form the next government, that does not mean the party or John Key are unharmed. John Key’s relationship with the media may have been irreparably damaged, and he will no longer be regarded by many journalists as a “good guy” or a decent bloke.

John Key may regret his decision to get the police involved in a political matter, over something that has nothing to do with any moral principle. We may bitch and moan about the news media’s obsession with celebrity stories and fluff pieces, but if you want to get journalists really pissed off the thing to do is use heavy-handed tactics to prevent them doing their job.

Shame On John Key For... Something

Amelia Wade of the Herald reports:

Already under pressure because of the "teapot tape", John Key may have added to his legal woes with a signature.

Yesterday, the grinning Prime Minister walked in Phil Goff and Helen Clark's shoes and autographed a banknote - technically breaking the law.

It is illegal for a person to "wilfully deface, disfigure, or mutilate" any banknote without permission from the Reserve Bank.

This is a disgraceful act by our PM. Does the man think he’s above the law now?

I hope Key is prosecuted for this vandalism to the fullest extent of the law. We’re way too soft on crimes such as these, and it’s time we sent a message to lawbreakers that we’re not going to take it any more.

Oh, wait, what’s this?

But Mr Key is not the only current leader to have signed one. Last week, while campaigning in Nelson, Phil Goff signed a $5 bill for local man Peter Hansen, who said the Labour leader was the 89th public figure to sign a banknote for him.

Um... well I mean it is only a banknote, so let’s not get carried away. I think it’s ridiculous we even have these archaic laws. What kind of arse would think signing a banknote is a big deal anyway? Some people should just get a life!

But it’s just so typical of John Key to jump on the money-signing bandwagon, after Phil Goff did it first. Does the PM not have an original thought?

Good on Phil Goff!

Why He's At Number 40, Part Two

Officials Fear Vote-Splitting Contagion

Electoral officials have confirmed that they have been stockpiling hundreds of plastic buckets, first aid kits and bottles of hand sanitiser in preparation for next Saturday's general election.

Officials are concerned about the threat to public health in the event of a mass outbreak of tactical voting, and have been drawing up contingency plans to ensure they are not overwhelmed with distressed and confused voters.

They are particularly concerned that a contagion of vote-splitting may occur in the affluent Epsom electorate. Army units have been put on standby in case a mass evacuation of the unwell is required on election day.

Symptoms of tactical voting can include nausea and panic attacks. Some National Party supporters in Epsom have spoken of the great fear they have that when they step into the voting booth and are confronted with a voting paper with John Banks' name on it, they will involuntarily and explosively vomit.

Labour supporters in the same electorate have reported that the prospect of voting for the National candidate just to keep Mr Banks out makes their skin crawl.

Officials plan to have vomit buckets at every booth, and hand sanitiser will be available for those who feel unclean after they have cast their vote.

In high risk areas, such as Ohariu and Epsom, mobile decontamination units will be operated by emergency services, and wire brushes and scouring pads will be available to those who need more than sanitiser to clean their hands.

Dr Sigfried Ludovich from the Electoral Commission said the risk to public health during the election was very real, and that no chances were being taken.

"In this election, more than any other, political parties are asking their supporters to do things no decent person should be asked to do," said Dr Ludovich.

"We believe there is a high risk of hysteria and panic striking voters as they try to summon up the courage to vote for Peter Dunne.

"For some people the horror of voting for that tired old relic may induce seizures and even comas."

However, Dr Ludovich has assured the public that the vote-splitting danger is not present in every electorate.

"In Te Atatu, for example, large numbers of National voters have for some years happily and eagerly voted against their own party's candidate."

What We Have Learned Today

• When John Key talks about the principle behind his stand on not releasing the tape I'm reminded of the famous Groucho Marx saying: "These are my principles, and if you don't like them… well, I have others".
• Most people don't believe the news media is the enemy of democracy. If a politician takes on the media the chances are they'll lose, unless they're Winston Peters.
• It's always risky to base your entire election campaign on the so-called strengths of one person.
• John Key's inept performance over the last day has given Winston Peters a reasonable chance of returning to Parliament, and ironically may have doomed ACT's own chances of survival. With Labour and the Greens between then currently polling between 40-42%, throw another 5-6% for NZ First and National's easy ride isn't looking so easy anymore.
• John Banks is a walking disaster. He told 3News' Patrick Gower on camera that he couldn't remember his conversation with Key, then when asked if he wanted a transcript of the conversation said he didn't need it because he remembered everything. Even the most fervent National supporter would think twice before voting tactically for Banks.
• Lefties who lazily assume the bad press their parties get is all down to right-wing media bias should note the savaging the news media is currently giving the PM, and perhaps consider that the relationship between those in power and the media is more complex than they first thought.
• Teflon has a limited lifespan.

This Time It’s National Shooting At Its Feet

John Key’s decision to play the “principle” card over the recording of his conversation with John Banks now appears to be backfiring badly.

Does anyone believe Key’s decision not to allow the recording to be aired is a matter of principle, rather than political damage control?

John Key continues to claim he cannot recall what was discussed. He has been given the opportunity to refresh his memory by TV3, who have offered him a transcript of the conversation, but he has refused the offer.

Key’s claim that he cannot remember what was said is unconvincing. He has been asked whether he said anything disparaging of the elderly or Don Brash (not that the two are mutually exclusive), but just evades the questions.

The reason Key doesn’t want the tape released is because it’s pretty obvious there’s something on it that will embarrass him.

We don’t know how bad the tape will be for Key, and his popularity is such that only something truly awful would seriously dent his ratings in the short term. The damage to his credibility, however, may be more long-lasting.

Key’s biggest mistake, apart from involving himself in the entire “cup of tea” farce in the first place, was to complain to the police over the recording. In suggesting this is some serious criminal matter when it clearly isn’t*, Key has only increased the speculation on what may be on the tape and on what he is trying to hide.

The Prime Minister’s comparisons with the News of The World phone hacking scandal are also grossly offensive. That scandal involved the sustained and systematic hacking by a major newspaper into hundreds of phones over a number of years, including the mobile phone of a murder victim. The possibly-accidental recording of two politicians in an arguably public place during a media stunt talking about matters of potential public interest is not the same thing. The lawyer for the murdered girl whose phone was hacked by the News of the World has called the comparison a “cheap shot”, and it is.

Key has dug an even deeper hole for himself in comparing his conversation with Banks to a conversation between two parents about a potentially suicidal daughter. This cynical ploy insult victims of suicide, and it once again shows that our PM will say and do just about anything to stay in power. It’s easy to say such things when you don’t really stand for much, and when your only guide to running the country is what the polls say, not what the country needs. It’s hard to imagine someone who has experienced the trauma of suicide making such an offensive comparison. Does John Key have a strong moral core? This makes me wonder.

The recording will surface eventually, and my prediction is that someone will release it before the election. John Key’s act of hubris may have destroyed John Banks’ chances in Epsom, and it may yet fatally undermine Key’s leadership.

When the recording finally airs will the public look the same at the smiling and affable John Key?

* There’s considerable uncertainty as to whether the recording was an offence at all. Even if it was, it would probably be at the lower end of the offending scale.

Why He's At Number 40

The Nasty Party

National has announced a new series of welfare measures that will mean welfare recipients lose their benefits if they fail drug tests.

Quite often people end up unemployed because they have substance abuse issues. What should we do with these people? Tell them to stop taking drugs? Gee, that’ll work. It’ll probably be about as effective as telling Zac Guildford to just stop drinking.

So under this new policy someone with substance issues fails a drug test and loses their benefit. What then? They have no job and no money, and even if their drug issue doesn’t make them unemployable there aren’t any jobs for them anyway.

No, but wait! We'll make sure those with addiction issues get the treatment they need, Bennett is promising us. This policy is just for recreational drug users.

Sure. And no doubt case managers will be highly trained in spotting the difference between genuine addiction and recreational use...

National might be hoping these people will just disappear. Maybe they will just fall down a hole one day and never be seen again. It might even be a good way to get the dole numbers down: just drop people off the benefit.

The trouble with this theory is that these people won’t just disappear. They will just become a permanent underclass, unable to work, unable to receive benefits, and driven into crime.

We will just end up paying the bill for these people in a different way. But this bill will be much higher than the welfare one. It costs tens of thousands a year to incarcerate someone, and the taxpayer will end up shelling out more for the social workers and health professionals who are left to pick up the mess.

And where will National stop? Today it’s drugs, but tomorrow will it be booze? Ciggies? Junk food?

The entire policy is flawed, but then it is not designed to actually fight unemployment. Beneficiary-bashing is a vote-winner, and sadly this one probably will be too.

Point Taken

Labour leader Phil Goff today launched a scathing attack on the National Party’s management of the country, after National yesterday released a 120 point economic plan.

In contrast to National’s plan, Labour plan for jobs growth comprises a mere six points.

Speaking to a rally of supporters in his Mt Roskill electorate, Mr Goff accused National’s leader John Key of being addicted to points.

“National’s overuse of policy points in the current economic climate is reckless and irresponsible,” said Mr Goff.

“My first act as Prime Minister will be to end this gross waste,” said the Labour leader. “Someone has to be held accountable for this outrageous spend-up on page after page of action points.”

Mr Goff explained that cuts would be achieved through reform of the public sector, to adopt clear procedures within government departments on the use of bullet-points in policy documents.

But National’s leader John Key said the reason why Labour could only come up with six points was because they lacked ideas.

“Actually, this just shows that for every one idea Labour has, National has twenty,” Mr Key said.

“Who is really the party of ideas?”

Mr Goff has responded by saying it is more important to look at the quality of the ideas than the quantity.

“In any event, National’s figures are suspect,” said Mr Goff.

“Most of the 120 points are things that have already been done. They’re effectively counting them twice. They can’t even do their sums properly, so if they can’t manage basic accountancy why should we trust them to run the country?

“It’s obscene that some people don’t have enough to live on and are struggling to put food on the table for their kids, while National is going on a policy points binge for its rich mates. Where’s the justice in that?”

Meanwhile, the ACT Party has committed to abolish all policy points as part of any deal with National after the election.

“We don’t need them,” said ACT’s leader Dr Don Brash. “And why would we? Frankly we have no idea.”

Right Thinking: On How To Persuade

Everybody's favourite authoritarian libertarian returns with a blistering new column

As a powerful media figure and celebrated columnist, I know something about making a persuasive argument.

My opinions inspire terror in my opponents, so naturally they take every opportunity they can to shut me down. That’s why you won’t find any of my columns in the liberal mainstream media, and why you’ll have to go hunting through the internet to find my work.

But it’s there if you know where to look, and the fact that the liberals work so hard to silence me speaks volumes about the threat I pose.

The MSM’s deceit and contempt for democracy knows no bounds; so instead of reporting on the horrors of compulsory education and public transport, they bombard us with trivia and gossip. It's their way of keeping the populace docile and compliant.

The liberals and their media buddies will do anything they can to shut us down, as I have recently learned to my great cost. They even tried to silence me, framing me for a crime I didn’t commit (again!) so that I could be shut away forever.

They didn’t count on my putting up a fight, though. Nor did they count on the star witness for the prosecution accidentally stabbing himself thirty-two times in the head. Without the evidence of the clergyman the police case against me collapsed and they had to let me go.

It was another lucky escape for me. I’ve spent a lot of time in prison cells and court rooms being accused of knife crimes I didn’t commit, but when you’re a warrior for freedom like I am it’s just another battle in a larger war.

It’s a war we must win. And we will win. If we make our voices heard the sheeple who blindly follow the lies and distortions of the MSM will eventually wake up and taste the sweet air of freedom.

We can all do our bit to win the war. That’s why I am going to share with you some of the most powerful written advocacy techniques known to man. It doesn’t matter whether you’re writing a letter to a newspaper editor or politician, composing a blogpost, or writing a submission to the Parole Board on why you should be released early despite the slaughter you inflicted in that shopping centre.

If you adopt as many of these techniques as you can you will find people looking at you and your ideas in a whole new light.

Write or type?

Modern computer technology makes it a breeze to create and edit documents. But chances are the people you’re trying to influence probably see hundred if not thousands of typed documents every day. If you’re writing letters or submissions your work will stand out if it’s been handwritten. And not in any old ink, but in blood. They’ll know you’re serious if they see that blood has been spilled over the opinion you’re expressing.

A tricky question I’m often asked is “whose blood?” If you use your own you’ll just come across as some nutty self-mutilator, so make sure you attach to your written work a photograph of the donor. It could a good opportunity to deal with any nuisance neighbourhood cats, or nuisance neighbours. Besides, if you’re planning to write that eighty-page missive to the Dominion Post on water fluoridation you’re going to need a lot of blood, and it’s pretty hard to write anything when you’re faint from massive blood loss.

This may sound slightly unpleasant to those of you who are squeamish, but you do get used to it. It's also well worth doing. For example, law students who write their exam answers in blood routinely get higher marks than those who use standard ink. Professor “G” (name withheld) of the Otago Law School has confirmed this to me in person.

Make them work

If a newspaper editor can quickly read your opinion then they can just as quickly dismiss it. Make sure anyone picking up your work has to labour for hours to make sense of it. They may struggle initially to understand what you have written, but while they are doing this they will have no choice but to contemplate the message you’re sending.

That means lots of scribbles, barely legible handwriting and inappropriate! Punctuation%

Shout

Some people claim it’s the height of rudeness to communicate in capital letters. They say that turning on caps lock on your keyboard will make people think you’re shouting.

So shout!

We’re not here to make friends. We just want to be heard.

Don’t listen to their so-called etiquette. There’s a word that describes doing only what you are told to do and only following the officially-sanctioned method. It’s called Communism. If you study all the great wordsmiths of our history you will find that most of them were Marxists. Shakespeare, for example, was a notorious member of the Chinese Communist Party, although you won't find that little fact in any of your liberal-elite history books.

That's why you must not listen to them when they tell you how your should write. Of course they would say that!

Caps lock is there on your keyboard for a reason, SO USE IT!. If you’re not prepared to raise your voice in defence of our precious freedoms, then DON’T BE SURPRISED WHEN THEY COME KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF NIGHT TO TAKE YOU OFF TO THEIR “RE-EDUCATION CENTRES”! I’M SURE YOU’LL LEARN ALL ABOUT THEIR “ETIQUETTE” THEN! 

Random capitalisation

Sometimes just shouting won’t do the trick, and this is when you need to be more sophisticated with your message. There’s nothing more powerful that an opinion Piece where some of the Word beginnings are randomly Capitalised. it Might be an Affront to those english language Purists, but they are Nothing but Totalitarians with all their Rules and conventions. A Man who will stand up and Defy the totalitarians is a Man of Courage and Integrity, and Your writing WILL CONVEY THIS!! 

Remember who the audience are

Very often the person you’re writing to isn’t really the intended audience. If they're a newspaper editor they're merely a gatekeeper. Ignore their rules about being succinct and to the point, because they aren’t the ones you want to persuade. To a liberal-elite MSM editor your writings may appear like the incontinent ramblings of a madman, but sometimes it can take fifty pages of dense handwritten text with zero punctuation and numerous biblical references to get an important message across.

 Pictures

We all know that most newspaper editors, academics and leftist politicians struggle to contain the multitude of vices swirling about in their morally-diseased bodies. Plenty don’t even bother to make the effort. It’s no wonder that morality, discipline and decency are in such decline.

But we can use this to our advantage. The most important thing when you're writing something to influence someone is to make an impact. People are so bombarded daily with material that if what you have written doesn't stand out in some way they may not even bother to read it.

So make it stand out. A photograph of a woman baring her all to the camera will get the attention of most newspaper editors, so attach one to your letter. But if the people you are writing to are academics (especially legal ones) you'll need to come up with something much much grubbier than just a picture of female flesh. I expect the prospect of having to procure pictures of people undertaking all kinds of appalling behaviour in various states of undress will dismay you, but the price of freedom is a high one.

The good news is that the tools for the job are close at hand. You'll be amazed at the world that opens up when you go looking for this kind of material online, and I have become an expert in online research, sometimes spending up to ten hours a day online finding material I can use. It's exhausting work, and by the end of the day I usually feel drained. But it's an incredibly uplifting feeling when you find something you can use.

Delivery

So you've finished writing your masterpiece, and now the only thing left to do is send it. But how?

The internet is a powerful medium, but those in power receive hundreds of emails every day, and a lot of email is spam that gets junked without even being opened. Don’t send your message via email, because it might just be deleted.

Send it by post. Or, better still, deliver it personally. Find out where the addressee lives and turn up at their house at 3:00am. You can bet they will remember you then.

But some people can be a bit funny about strangers turning up on their doorstep in the middle of the night, and fair enough too, because the world is full of crazy people. So if they won’t open the door don’t stress! Just tie your letter to a brick and throw it through their front window.

See, now you’re getting their attention!