The fact that Gaddafi, bin Laden and Krazy Kim bit the dust, and that we finally won that stupid piece of silverware (despite doing our best not to), can scarcely compensate for the shit year the people of Christchurch had.
Other disappointments were the election result (I fully acknowledge that whether that result was a good or bad one rather depends on one's political persuasion), various storms and shipwrecks, a failing world economy, economic stagnation in our own country, a growing gap between rich and poor, and the truly awful news right at the very end of the year that Russell Brand and Katy Perry are splitting.
Can 2012 get any worse? Perhaps. There is never any shortage of doomsday scenarios to choose from, and the end of one year always prompts speculation about what the next holds in store.
Let me give you my predictions: (Bear in mind this is just a bit of speculation, and like most predictions I make I'm only 80-85% confident they will come to pass)
The European economy will collapse. It will hit China hard, as a result of the sudden drop in demand for Chinese goods. This will quickly lead to internal tensions within the rising superpower, tensions that China will seek to overcome by focusing on an external enemy. This will lead to much warfare, chaos and trouble, zombie hordes etc etc; and by the end of the year the people of New Zealand will be living a savage and pitiful existence, wielding stick and clubs, wearing little more than rags stolen from the corpses lying everywhere, fighting pitched battles over waterholes and other resources, and eating the bodies of their dead children for sustenance.
If that sounds dire, don't worry. It's not all bad news. Russell and Katy will reconcile. And the ABs will still have the World Cup.
So have a happy new year!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Blog Cheating Part Five
(Because my blog output is currently limited, here's another blogpost from earlier in the year)
Oh I Say!
11 April 2011
I say the chaps on the West Coast of the South Island are a queer lot. And I don't mean queer like cousin Bertie (or Bertrice, as he now insists upon being called). No I mean rum, peculiar, curious, singular. I'm certain that a more dedicated in-breeding programme would iron out some of these oddities.
The local chaps are excited at the news that one of their MPs has done something important. It seems that Labour MP Damien O'Connor has finally stood up for the long-persecuted white heterosexual male. Hear him! Hear him! The man speaks wisdom when he says that white males are becoming an endangered species. If we're not careful we may soon be left with only 80% of the world's wealth and power.
Damien O'Connor would have my vote if I lived on the West Coast. Like all lunatic socialists his politics may be anathema to me, but due to a terrifying childhood incident involving a small rodent and a plunger I just wouldn't be able to vote for someone with the word "vole" in his last name.
******
I read in the news that the couple from Dannevirke who won $17 million playing the lottery had been "on the bones of their arses". My driver tells me this phrase is a vulgarity used by the hoi-polloi to describe abject poverty
It's always a delight to see a big lottery win going to someone truly deserving. So it was a shame to learn that the people who won were so poor. People who've never had any money just don't know how wonderful it is. That's why I never give to charities, unless they're dedicated to helping Tory MPs who've fallen on hard times after being caught with their pants down and their hands in the till.
I've no sympathy for those who complain about being unable to pay the bills or make ends meet. How is it they can't manage their affairs and yet the rest of us do just splendidly? You won't hear me complaining about how rough life is. I manage to survive just fine on the two million pound annual allowance Daddy gives me.
All the same, a few million extra would be handy. The roof of my country home needs to be regilded, and it simply isn't reasonable to expect a man of my standing to make savings by cutting down on high-class rent-boys or crates of 18th century French wine.
******
I was most distressed to read that the news media have been insolently questioning the Governor General's spending. The journalists who wrote this article ought to be stripped naked and horsewhipped. Yes, I'd pay good money to see that thong striking their naked soft flesh and making their bodies writhe rhythmically again and again in unison with the strap as they bent over and took what they deserved.
Goodness me, now look what I've done! Luckily Mummy packed me plenty of spare trousers. Goodbye for now!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Whose Values?
"If only we could do something" people cry, as if nothing can be done and these are just random acts committed by evil people.
If only it were simply a matter of writing these people off as evil. Unfortunately, the evil these people do is very often the result of their own upbringing.
The reasons why people hurt children are complex, and it isn't always possible to determine whether a particular initiative or intervention would have succeeded in avoiding a tragedy.
But blaming the problem on a lack of values or morals in individuals, as some have, misses the point. It remains a fact that child abuse is more likely to take place in low income families. This is perhaps the reason why rates of abuse within the Maori community are so high. What feeds much of the violence is poverty and all the problems that spring from it: unemployment, lack of education, untreated mental illness, substance abuse, and poor health.
It's all too easy to just dismiss the problem as one of lack of morals or values. It certainly isn't a question of religion or lack of faith, otherwise children raised in religious institutions around the world wouldn't have for centuries been subject to systematic abuse and predation. Is it about a failure to understand right from wrong? In some cases the people committing the offences have lived with violence all their lives. They were subjected to it as children and know few other ways to deal with errant kids.
There's no one magic bullet, but if people want to talk about a lack of values, they could start with the set of neoliberal values that saw thousands thrown onto the scrapheap and left to stew during the reforms of the 1980s and 1990s. We are still paying the price for the massive trauma caused to communities in the name of greed as our elected officials slashed and burned the state sector, causing huge unemployment and condemning many families to a generation of poverty. And who were the beneficiaries of this "necessary sacrifice"? Mostly the shareholders of those overseas companies that bought our assets for a song and then gutted their workforces in the name of efficiency and maximising profit.
The same forces have been responsible for the diminution of the union movement over the last thirty years, a movement that has been responsible for ensuring most of the benefits workers now take for granted.
It is little wonder that in New Zealand the gap between rich and poor continues to widen. In the book The Spirit Level, authors Richard Wilkinson and Kate Pickett argued that nations with greater inequality between rich and poor fared badly when it came to various social problems.
But if the solution to the problem of violence against the young was simply a matter of teaching the right values, what values would we want people to adhere to? Surely as a minimum we would want people to be respectful and tolerant of others, and to show compassion towards those unable to fend for themselves.
These are values that have been sorely lacking amongst our political and business leaders for at least three decades.
If we want to talk about values, let's start at the top. How about the values that see the CEO of Christchurch City Council awarded a massive pay rise even as ratepayers are struggling with the trauma of multiple quakes, many of them facing financial ruination. Whenever belt-tightening is called for it almost never seems to happen at the top.
If we want to reduce the impact of poverty and income inequality, then we must create a system that values and supports everyone, not just the high-flyers and the wealthy.
But what hope have we of ever coming to terms with the problems caused by poverty when we continue to shift the nation's wealth into the hands of those who already have more than they need?
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Concerns Mount Over Absence Of Social Media Gaffes
A National Party MP's colleagues have become increasingly concerned about his wellbeing, after he failed for two consecutive days to make a fool of himself on Twitter.
Concerns were raised when colleagues of Tau Henare realised that they had not noticed a single social media brainfart from the list MP for over 48 hours.
With the recent departure from Parliament of MPs Aaron Gilmore and Paul Quinn, the pressure has been on Mr Henare to underperform in a spectacular and public way so that the rest of his caucus colleagues look good by comparison.
Concerns are now mounting that Mr Henare may have realised his social media output and lowly list ranking are related in some way.
One MP who spoke on an anonymous basis, said the failure by Henare to defame, abuse or vilify others via Twitter for over two days was a real concern.
"We're all worried about his mental health," said the MP.
"We're hoping he hasn't decided to be more considered and measured in his comments.
"If an MP now in his fifth term of office can comment on Twitter that New Zealand's not having a written constitution means we have no constitution at all, then the rest of us in caucus can put our feet up, knowing that no matter how badly we drop the ball we can never outdo Tau's efforts.
"Tau's a team player, and is always willing to take the hits for the rest of us. Our thoughts are with our colleague at this difficult time. Kia kaha Tau! You can get through this."
Update: In an escalation of the crisis Prime Minister John Key, who was in Pyongyang earlier this week for the state funeral of North Korea's leader Kim Jong Il, is now flying back to New Zealand to deal with his non-errant MP.
Key was hoping to close an important trade deal with North Korea during the visit, but trade talks have now been postponed.
The news that talks have been put on hold will be a bitter blow for the New Zealand grass industry. Trade officials believe that the sophisticated palates of North Korean consumers are ready for the refined and subtle flavours that New Zealand grasses offer.
Key is due back in Auckland tomorrow and will address his caucus in an emergency meeting tomorrow evening.
BREAKING NEWS: It appears that the social media crisis may have been averted. Tau Henare has commented via Twitter "Got him ! Turangi assault perp caught. Well done boys in blue" in response to the arrest of a teenager in connection with the savage attack of a five year old girl.
The failure by a long-term MP to understand the very simple presumption-of-innocence concept has reassured concerned caucus members that Henare is fully malfunctioning again.
Concerns were raised when colleagues of Tau Henare realised that they had not noticed a single social media brainfart from the list MP for over 48 hours.
With the recent departure from Parliament of MPs Aaron Gilmore and Paul Quinn, the pressure has been on Mr Henare to underperform in a spectacular and public way so that the rest of his caucus colleagues look good by comparison.
Concerns are now mounting that Mr Henare may have realised his social media output and lowly list ranking are related in some way.
One MP who spoke on an anonymous basis, said the failure by Henare to defame, abuse or vilify others via Twitter for over two days was a real concern.
"We're all worried about his mental health," said the MP.
"We're hoping he hasn't decided to be more considered and measured in his comments.
"If an MP now in his fifth term of office can comment on Twitter that New Zealand's not having a written constitution means we have no constitution at all, then the rest of us in caucus can put our feet up, knowing that no matter how badly we drop the ball we can never outdo Tau's efforts.
"Tau's a team player, and is always willing to take the hits for the rest of us. Our thoughts are with our colleague at this difficult time. Kia kaha Tau! You can get through this."
Update: In an escalation of the crisis Prime Minister John Key, who was in Pyongyang earlier this week for the state funeral of North Korea's leader Kim Jong Il, is now flying back to New Zealand to deal with his non-errant MP.
Key was hoping to close an important trade deal with North Korea during the visit, but trade talks have now been postponed.
The news that talks have been put on hold will be a bitter blow for the New Zealand grass industry. Trade officials believe that the sophisticated palates of North Korean consumers are ready for the refined and subtle flavours that New Zealand grasses offer.
Key is due back in Auckland tomorrow and will address his caucus in an emergency meeting tomorrow evening.
BREAKING NEWS: It appears that the social media crisis may have been averted. Tau Henare has commented via Twitter "Got him ! Turangi assault perp caught. Well done boys in blue" in response to the arrest of a teenager in connection with the savage attack of a five year old girl.
The failure by a long-term MP to understand the very simple presumption-of-innocence concept has reassured concerned caucus members that Henare is fully malfunctioning again.
Blog Cheating Episode The Fourth
(I'm still in "can't be bothered" territory with blogging, so here's another post from earlier in the year.)
If you read Michael Laws' latest column in the Sunday Star Times today you may have concluded that Laws is a revolting human being. Brian Edwards has described Laws' comments in that column as being "worthy of Joseph Mengele."
I confess that I have expressed a lot of ill-will towards Mr Laws in a few of my own posts. And for that I wish to apologise.
In my defence, however, I didn't realise until today that Michael Laws has a disorder that affects his brain, and makes him behave in a manner that "normal" people generally find uncomfortable.
Michael Laws has Arsehole Syndrome.
The most important thing to understand about people who have Arsehole Syndrome is that they do not experience the world as the rest of us do. Arseholes (as people with the syndrome are commonly called) can find it stressful and difficult to function in environments that most of us take for granted. The urge to abuse, demean and vilify can quickly become overwhelming for an Arsehole when they are put in an unfamiliar situation, especially if the people around them are not exactly like them and don't subscribe to their narrow range of beliefs.
It is true that an Arsehole will usually understand the difference between right and wrong. But the wiring of an Arsehole's brain isn't like your own. Arseholes are compelled to repeat behaviours that the rest of us find bizarre or even disgusting.
That is why Arseholes come across as socially stunted and unlikeable.
It is notoriously difficult to diagnose the syndrome. I suspect this is why Laws' compulsion to put the boot into anyone who can't defend themselves was misdiagnosed for so long. Most people who read or hear a Laws diatribe aimed at Maori, solo mothers or the disabled will just assume they are dealing with a gutless coward.
Arseholes almost always have terrible trouble when they try to enter the workforce. To those unaware of the syndrome, the behaviour of an Arsehole can seem loathsome and offensive. Arseholes have particular difficulties with understanding the nuances of social intercourse. The reaction of an Arsehole when put into any environment they are unfamiliar with can be difficult for their co-workers to make sense of. When confronted with uncertainty, an Arsehole will spew obscene hatred at anyone and anything. An Arsehole will continue with a rant long after the other person has lost interest in the topic.
That is why most Arseholes try to avoid social interaction, preferring instead to write columns for Sunday newspapers.
But there is a place where Arseholes can feel safe, and where people with the disorder can communicate and have their opinions validated. The medium of talkback radio is enormously important for many Arseholes, because it allows them to feel as if their lives have some meaning. Denouncing people of other ethnicities and the disabled, and people who are different, is an well-recognised therapy for Arseholes.
That is why we need to cut Michael Laws some slack. He can't help the way he is. You may be sick of reading or hearing what he thinks about people who dare to be different to him, but he's an Arsehole. What else can you expect?
People With Arsehole Syndrome Need To Be Understood, Not Judged
13 March 2011
I confess that I have expressed a lot of ill-will towards Mr Laws in a few of my own posts. And for that I wish to apologise.
In my defence, however, I didn't realise until today that Michael Laws has a disorder that affects his brain, and makes him behave in a manner that "normal" people generally find uncomfortable.
Michael Laws has Arsehole Syndrome.
The most important thing to understand about people who have Arsehole Syndrome is that they do not experience the world as the rest of us do. Arseholes (as people with the syndrome are commonly called) can find it stressful and difficult to function in environments that most of us take for granted. The urge to abuse, demean and vilify can quickly become overwhelming for an Arsehole when they are put in an unfamiliar situation, especially if the people around them are not exactly like them and don't subscribe to their narrow range of beliefs.
It is true that an Arsehole will usually understand the difference between right and wrong. But the wiring of an Arsehole's brain isn't like your own. Arseholes are compelled to repeat behaviours that the rest of us find bizarre or even disgusting.
That is why Arseholes come across as socially stunted and unlikeable.
It is notoriously difficult to diagnose the syndrome. I suspect this is why Laws' compulsion to put the boot into anyone who can't defend themselves was misdiagnosed for so long. Most people who read or hear a Laws diatribe aimed at Maori, solo mothers or the disabled will just assume they are dealing with a gutless coward.
Arseholes almost always have terrible trouble when they try to enter the workforce. To those unaware of the syndrome, the behaviour of an Arsehole can seem loathsome and offensive. Arseholes have particular difficulties with understanding the nuances of social intercourse. The reaction of an Arsehole when put into any environment they are unfamiliar with can be difficult for their co-workers to make sense of. When confronted with uncertainty, an Arsehole will spew obscene hatred at anyone and anything. An Arsehole will continue with a rant long after the other person has lost interest in the topic.
That is why most Arseholes try to avoid social interaction, preferring instead to write columns for Sunday newspapers.
But there is a place where Arseholes can feel safe, and where people with the disorder can communicate and have their opinions validated. The medium of talkback radio is enormously important for many Arseholes, because it allows them to feel as if their lives have some meaning. Denouncing people of other ethnicities and the disabled, and people who are different, is an well-recognised therapy for Arseholes.
That is why we need to cut Michael Laws some slack. He can't help the way he is. You may be sick of reading or hearing what he thinks about people who dare to be different to him, but he's an Arsehole. What else can you expect?
Blog Cheating Part Three
(I'm still in "can't be bothered" territory with blogging, so here's another post from earlier in the year. It's a good reminder that someone should not publicly mock a political party only a couple of months before joining it. Oh well...)
Labour leader Phil Goff was under fire today, after admitting his party used psychics to help make important decisions.
The revelations came after footage appeared on TV1's Close Up last night of a secret Labour frontbench session with a medium known as Madame Esmeralda.
Mr Goff admitted today that the party had consulted a number of psychic mediums, but he defended the move.
"We're not closed-minded like some political parties," said Mr Goff.
"This is about covering all bases as a party. We'd be foolish to go ahead and make decisions without considering all of the possible alternatives and potential ramifications.
"It's all very well doing what we think is best for the country, but why not take heed of the voices of the dead? They're a valuable resource.
"National's vision for growing the economy is to mine national parks. With Labour we're mining the vast knowledge of the deceased."
Mr Goff confirmed he had been in recent dialogue with former leaders of the party, including Walter Nash and Michael Joseph Savage.
"I also had a number of discussions with Sir Geoffrey Palmer. I was surprised to discover later that he's not actually dead."
But Goff only admitted to talking to the dead after the footage appeared on Close Up.
The footage shows what appears to be a seance involving most of the Labour frontbench.
The visual quality of the footage is poor, but the voices on the tape are clear.
Early in the recording Madame Esmeralda says she is channelling the spirit of a lost soul known as David. She asks if anyone knows a David who has passed on recently.
Another woman's voice, possibly Annette King's, is clearly heard saying "It's Lange! Speak to us! Save us! Tell us what we must do."
Madame Esmeralda then speaks again: "David says there is a time of darkness ahead. A tough decision to make, and a person who stands in the way of progress."
She then says, "possibly someone in this room here today. Is there a... a Paul or a Peter present?"
"But not a Phil?" the voice of the Labour leader is heard saying "Thank God. Are you sure the person standing in the way isn't a David or an Andrew? We have quite a lot of potential David problems. We always have."
Party president Andrew Little has also confirmed that he regularly consults a tarot card reader before making important decisions.
"I find consulting the cards to be extremely enlightening. It's also about the only way I can find out what the Labour leader is up to."
And in a startling twist, it was today revealed that acclaimed medium Bev Debber of the TV show Smelling Manslaughter was last week called in by Mr Little to consult on who killed the Labour Party's prospects in the November election.
It is understood that Ms Debber was able to identify a grey-haired man in his mid-fifties, though she said he may have dyed his hair recently.
National Party MPs were quick to mock the moves by Labour. But Phil Goff was equally quick to defend the actions.
"You may think that consulting mediums and fortune tellers is about the craziest thing someone can do.
"But how else would you have us make policy? Consult Treasury officials? At least our fortune tellers occasionally get it right."
Labour Looks To The Dead
29 March 2011
The revelations came after footage appeared on TV1's Close Up last night of a secret Labour frontbench session with a medium known as Madame Esmeralda.
Mr Goff admitted today that the party had consulted a number of psychic mediums, but he defended the move.
"We're not closed-minded like some political parties," said Mr Goff.
"This is about covering all bases as a party. We'd be foolish to go ahead and make decisions without considering all of the possible alternatives and potential ramifications.
"It's all very well doing what we think is best for the country, but why not take heed of the voices of the dead? They're a valuable resource.
"National's vision for growing the economy is to mine national parks. With Labour we're mining the vast knowledge of the deceased."
Mr Goff confirmed he had been in recent dialogue with former leaders of the party, including Walter Nash and Michael Joseph Savage.
"I also had a number of discussions with Sir Geoffrey Palmer. I was surprised to discover later that he's not actually dead."
But Goff only admitted to talking to the dead after the footage appeared on Close Up.
The footage shows what appears to be a seance involving most of the Labour frontbench.
The visual quality of the footage is poor, but the voices on the tape are clear.
Early in the recording Madame Esmeralda says she is channelling the spirit of a lost soul known as David. She asks if anyone knows a David who has passed on recently.
Another woman's voice, possibly Annette King's, is clearly heard saying "It's Lange! Speak to us! Save us! Tell us what we must do."
Madame Esmeralda then speaks again: "David says there is a time of darkness ahead. A tough decision to make, and a person who stands in the way of progress."
She then says, "possibly someone in this room here today. Is there a... a Paul or a Peter present?"
"But not a Phil?" the voice of the Labour leader is heard saying "Thank God. Are you sure the person standing in the way isn't a David or an Andrew? We have quite a lot of potential David problems. We always have."
Party president Andrew Little has also confirmed that he regularly consults a tarot card reader before making important decisions.
"I find consulting the cards to be extremely enlightening. It's also about the only way I can find out what the Labour leader is up to."
And in a startling twist, it was today revealed that acclaimed medium Bev Debber of the TV show Smelling Manslaughter was last week called in by Mr Little to consult on who killed the Labour Party's prospects in the November election.
It is understood that Ms Debber was able to identify a grey-haired man in his mid-fifties, though she said he may have dyed his hair recently.
National Party MPs were quick to mock the moves by Labour. But Phil Goff was equally quick to defend the actions.
"You may think that consulting mediums and fortune tellers is about the craziest thing someone can do.
"But how else would you have us make policy? Consult Treasury officials? At least our fortune tellers occasionally get it right."
A Blogpost On Moderation
I find posts about blog moderation to be about as enjoyable as posts on things that are not really all that enjoyable.
So I will keep this short.
Call it a fit of pique, spite or ill-temper, whatever you like. But from today I will no longer accept comments from anonymous cowards.
I welcome feedback and comments, provided they are not nasty or trollish. But if you won't put a name or moniker to your comment then, I'm sorry, but it will be deleted. (update: I don't expect people to put their real name to their comments. Just some sort of identifier other than "anonymous")
And another thing I urge readers to consider. I have been known on the odd occasion to write in a somewhat satirical style. Readers will make their own minds up as to whether my attempts at satire are worthy or not. But I do urge people to consider whether what they have read might have more than one meaning, before they go off on a denunciatory rant.
I could put a "satire" label on such posts, but I'd sooner just give up.
That is all I have to say.
PS No, this was not a satirical post. In case you were wondering.
So I will keep this short.
Call it a fit of pique, spite or ill-temper, whatever you like. But from today I will no longer accept comments from anonymous cowards.
I welcome feedback and comments, provided they are not nasty or trollish. But if you won't put a name or moniker to your comment then, I'm sorry, but it will be deleted. (update: I don't expect people to put their real name to their comments. Just some sort of identifier other than "anonymous")
And another thing I urge readers to consider. I have been known on the odd occasion to write in a somewhat satirical style. Readers will make their own minds up as to whether my attempts at satire are worthy or not. But I do urge people to consider whether what they have read might have more than one meaning, before they go off on a denunciatory rant.
I could put a "satire" label on such posts, but I'd sooner just give up.
That is all I have to say.
PS No, this was not a satirical post. In case you were wondering.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
More Blog Cheating
(Because I'm on holiday and am too lazy to blog properly, I may for a while be content just to repost some of the stuff I wrote earlier in the year. Bad luck, old chap)
Dear John and Bill
We’ve finished our work and the report is on its way. We have considerednone some much all of the most reliable evidence on the causes of welfare dependency and how welfare reform can be best achieved.
Our three main recommendations are set out in detail below. I thought I’d give you a sneak preview.
Enjoy!
Love
Paula R
Welfare Working Group
PS Our invoice is attached.
1. Fun Camps
The image of the welfare reform movement needs to change if we are to be serious about bringing about change. The public need to understand that there is nothing frightening or alarming about reform proposals.
In short, welfare reform has to be fun.
The money spent on administering the benefits system would be better utilised in the establishment of a series of Fun Camps. These large-scale camps would house the majority of beneficiaries and provide all the daily nutritional needs of the guests. The provision of a uniform would ensure than nobody was judged by their appearances, but instead on their successes. Guests will be divided into groups and encouraged to undertake group activities and games, such as Dig the Latrines, Bash the Bludger, and our favourite If You Don’t Get Off Your Lard Arse And Start Carrying Those Rocks I’ll Flog It Till It’s Raw.
Day trips to various fun scenic locations (mines, quarries etc) will keep our guests active and ensure everyone is getting enough exercise. It really is true that healthy bodies create healthy minds! And to keep everyone mentally engaged and alert, we’ll have random wake-ups at all hours, with specially trained fun-troopers storming into the sleeping facilities in the dead of might yelling and screaming, and hauling away the luckier of our guests for a thrilling game of 20 Questions.
These camps may be all about fun, but there’s a serious side to them too. It’s all about inspiring people to push beyond their limits and achieve something fantastic with their lives. To help achieve this we’ll have motivational speakers giving talks about the purity of the market and the role of deregulation in building the foundations of a strong economy, and there will be inspirational signs up around the camp giving uplifting messages such as “Work Will Make You Free”.
There will even be a graduation ceremony, bit this too will be based around fun, rather than the receipt of a stuffy old certificate or diploma. Graduates will be encouraged to Run The Gauntlet. This will involve running in between two lines of ACT Party members, New Zealand Herald columnists and editorial staff, and right-wing bloggers. Just to spice things up we will give the people in the two rows the chance to play tricks on the runners, using any old thing that comes to hand: party balloons, knives, and clubs, for example. It is almost certain that the camp guests will be all rolling around the floor to the sound of laughter by the end of the ceremony.
2. Give Beneficiaries a Purpose
Research shows that the "keeping it fun" approach will not work for everyone, and responses to welfare-dependency will need to be tailored to meet the needs of some people. Evidence has shown that low self-esteem can be debilitating and can be one of the main reasons why someone ends up trapped on a benefit. Giving someone a sense of purpose can lead to a reduction in dependency.
Most beneficiaries instinctively know that they are bludging scum, living like parasites off the blood of the taxpayer. Those who feel the bite of this parasite the hardest are the working poor: those who earn little, but don’t qualify for state assistance (e.g. company directors, bankers, stockbrokers etc), and for whom each day is a struggle. They have been hit by the cost of fuel, so their late model European cars are now more expensive to fill, and the land rates on their holiday homes continue to rise. On top of that it has become more expensive than ever before to buy fresh food. Meat and dairy products are becoming more unaffordable.
It seems absurd that we have a group of people crying out to be of some use to society, while we also have a group demanding affordable farm produce. The solution ought to be obvious, and yet until now it has been regarded as politically impossible to introduce plans to farm beneficiaries. But if a proposal were to be packaged right we are confident that beneficiaries would be lining up to participate.
3. Keep Families Together
There are too many women with children on welfare. They are the real hardcore beneficiaries. In many cases they have simply walked out of a perfectly solid relationship over some trivial matter (e.g. domestic violence), preferring instead to raise their children at the expense of the state.
Something must be done to encourage women not to leave their partners. There will clearly be some situations where the decision to leave is the right one. But for many women the decision not to live with the father of their children in a personal choice. Choices have consequences. There may be some who find a forced reconciliation less than desirable, and some so-called experts have even suggested that imposing a punitive regime on solo mothers will only force women to stay in abusive relationships, because they cannot afford to leave and still feed the kids.
These concerns overstate the problem considerably. Amongst our professional elite athletes, such as rugby and football players, broken noses, black eyes and other fractures are commonplace. For football players, being felled by a stray kick is just part of the game. Do our sportspeople give up and quit their chosen sport the moment they get tapped around?
Does a firefighter refuse to work because he may need to be in an environment where things can get a little hot?
So there really is little excuse for women to leave their relationships. If they make the decision to leave they cannot expect state assistance. And if going without welfare means their children suffer from poverty and deprivation then, while that is regrettable, the children will certainly learn a powerful lesson.
The Leaked Welfare Working Group Recommendations
21 February 2011Dear John and Bill
We’ve finished our work and the report is on its way. We have considered
Our three main recommendations are set out in detail below. I thought I’d give you a sneak preview.
Enjoy!
Love
Paula R
Welfare Working Group
PS Our invoice is attached.
Summary of Recommendations
1. Fun Camps
The image of the welfare reform movement needs to change if we are to be serious about bringing about change. The public need to understand that there is nothing frightening or alarming about reform proposals.
In short, welfare reform has to be fun.
The money spent on administering the benefits system would be better utilised in the establishment of a series of Fun Camps. These large-scale camps would house the majority of beneficiaries and provide all the daily nutritional needs of the guests. The provision of a uniform would ensure than nobody was judged by their appearances, but instead on their successes. Guests will be divided into groups and encouraged to undertake group activities and games, such as Dig the Latrines, Bash the Bludger, and our favourite If You Don’t Get Off Your Lard Arse And Start Carrying Those Rocks I’ll Flog It Till It’s Raw.
Day trips to various fun scenic locations (mines, quarries etc) will keep our guests active and ensure everyone is getting enough exercise. It really is true that healthy bodies create healthy minds! And to keep everyone mentally engaged and alert, we’ll have random wake-ups at all hours, with specially trained fun-troopers storming into the sleeping facilities in the dead of might yelling and screaming, and hauling away the luckier of our guests for a thrilling game of 20 Questions.
These camps may be all about fun, but there’s a serious side to them too. It’s all about inspiring people to push beyond their limits and achieve something fantastic with their lives. To help achieve this we’ll have motivational speakers giving talks about the purity of the market and the role of deregulation in building the foundations of a strong economy, and there will be inspirational signs up around the camp giving uplifting messages such as “Work Will Make You Free”.
There will even be a graduation ceremony, bit this too will be based around fun, rather than the receipt of a stuffy old certificate or diploma. Graduates will be encouraged to Run The Gauntlet. This will involve running in between two lines of ACT Party members, New Zealand Herald columnists and editorial staff, and right-wing bloggers. Just to spice things up we will give the people in the two rows the chance to play tricks on the runners, using any old thing that comes to hand: party balloons, knives, and clubs, for example. It is almost certain that the camp guests will be all rolling around the floor to the sound of laughter by the end of the ceremony.
2. Give Beneficiaries a Purpose
Research shows that the "keeping it fun" approach will not work for everyone, and responses to welfare-dependency will need to be tailored to meet the needs of some people. Evidence has shown that low self-esteem can be debilitating and can be one of the main reasons why someone ends up trapped on a benefit. Giving someone a sense of purpose can lead to a reduction in dependency.
Most beneficiaries instinctively know that they are bludging scum, living like parasites off the blood of the taxpayer. Those who feel the bite of this parasite the hardest are the working poor: those who earn little, but don’t qualify for state assistance (e.g. company directors, bankers, stockbrokers etc), and for whom each day is a struggle. They have been hit by the cost of fuel, so their late model European cars are now more expensive to fill, and the land rates on their holiday homes continue to rise. On top of that it has become more expensive than ever before to buy fresh food. Meat and dairy products are becoming more unaffordable.
It seems absurd that we have a group of people crying out to be of some use to society, while we also have a group demanding affordable farm produce. The solution ought to be obvious, and yet until now it has been regarded as politically impossible to introduce plans to farm beneficiaries. But if a proposal were to be packaged right we are confident that beneficiaries would be lining up to participate.
3. Keep Families Together
There are too many women with children on welfare. They are the real hardcore beneficiaries. In many cases they have simply walked out of a perfectly solid relationship over some trivial matter (e.g. domestic violence), preferring instead to raise their children at the expense of the state.
Something must be done to encourage women not to leave their partners. There will clearly be some situations where the decision to leave is the right one. But for many women the decision not to live with the father of their children in a personal choice. Choices have consequences. There may be some who find a forced reconciliation less than desirable, and some so-called experts have even suggested that imposing a punitive regime on solo mothers will only force women to stay in abusive relationships, because they cannot afford to leave and still feed the kids.
These concerns overstate the problem considerably. Amongst our professional elite athletes, such as rugby and football players, broken noses, black eyes and other fractures are commonplace. For football players, being felled by a stray kick is just part of the game. Do our sportspeople give up and quit their chosen sport the moment they get tapped around?
Does a firefighter refuse to work because he may need to be in an environment where things can get a little hot?
So there really is little excuse for women to leave their relationships. If they make the decision to leave they cannot expect state assistance. And if going without welfare means their children suffer from poverty and deprivation then, while that is regrettable, the children will certainly learn a powerful lesson.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Blog Cheating: Part One, Book One, Chapter One
(Because I'm on holiday and am too lazy to blog properly, I may for a while be content just to repost some of the stuff I wrote earlier in the year. Bad luck, old chap)
If you fancy a man who drowns kittens and gets in the mood by wearing Nazi regalia, then John Key may just be the one for you.
But if you think that's hot, he is also cultured. Key is an antiquities buff and has a stunning collection of treasures originally looted from Iraqi museums during the fall of Saddam Hussein's regime.
The nation's favourite politician made these revelations during an interview with Radio Sport's Tony Veitch on Friday.
The pair started the interview by laughing about the demands of political office, with Key joking that being prime minister was hard, but nothing like the backbreaking job Veitch had to do.
Veitch then asked Key what he did to "get in the mood."
Mr Key said: "strangling a batch of cute little kittens does it for me every time. Not newborn ones, because they're kind of ugly, but kittens that are at that six-week-old cutesy stage."
The Prime Minister then revealed his penchant for dressing up.
"Anything German World War Two era, particularly if it's black. If you want to impress the ladies, you can't go wrong with a Waffen SS outfit."
Mr Key said his biggest turn-on was the power that money gave him. He revealed that his Parnell home has rooms filled with hundred dollar notes, just so he can roll in them, and that he has thousands of stolen antiquities crammed in his basement.
He also admitted that his undergarments were made from stitched banknotes.
"When you feel that money pressing against your manhood, you know that nobody can stop you from doing anything you want. Democracy, ha!"
Key's interview has been slammed by Green MP Sue Kedgley.
"What a terrible, despicable monster!" she exclaimed in horror, before running away screaming.
Labour leader Phil Goff was quick to release his own list of dirty deeds, just hours after the Key interview.
The release, entitled "I'm a Bad Boy Too" claims that Goff has had at least three parking tickets over the last two years, and that he "gets in the mood" by watching action movies and drinking a bottle New Zealand sauvignon blanc.
"I haven't strangled any animals," said Mr Goff.
"But I sure as heck get mad sometimes. Like when I'm on my motorbike and the wind is rushing through my hair, and then I discover that there's a snarl-up on the motorway and the traffic's really slow.
"And you should see me in a uniform. I've ordered a bunch of them online this afternoon. Along with some cats and some antique vases.
"I am bad to the bone."
Prominent blogger and society columnist Hilda Von Tempsky said that Key was a breath of fresh air, when compared with the leaders of the past.
"The man has a way of pulling it off the way the others just couldn't. When he puts on that SS uniform and starts goose-stepping you can bet he'll be all goofy and likeable.
"Prime Minister Key's great strength is that he's down to earth, unlike his predecessor in the role. I don't think Helen Clark strangled a single kitten during her nine years in office, and I think she suffered for it."
John Key: Lover, Art Collector, Kitten Strangler
5 February 2011If you fancy a man who drowns kittens and gets in the mood by wearing Nazi regalia, then John Key may just be the one for you.
But if you think that's hot, he is also cultured. Key is an antiquities buff and has a stunning collection of treasures originally looted from Iraqi museums during the fall of Saddam Hussein's regime.
The nation's favourite politician made these revelations during an interview with Radio Sport's Tony Veitch on Friday.
The pair started the interview by laughing about the demands of political office, with Key joking that being prime minister was hard, but nothing like the backbreaking job Veitch had to do.
Veitch then asked Key what he did to "get in the mood."
Mr Key said: "strangling a batch of cute little kittens does it for me every time. Not newborn ones, because they're kind of ugly, but kittens that are at that six-week-old cutesy stage."
The Prime Minister then revealed his penchant for dressing up.
"Anything German World War Two era, particularly if it's black. If you want to impress the ladies, you can't go wrong with a Waffen SS outfit."
Mr Key said his biggest turn-on was the power that money gave him. He revealed that his Parnell home has rooms filled with hundred dollar notes, just so he can roll in them, and that he has thousands of stolen antiquities crammed in his basement.
He also admitted that his undergarments were made from stitched banknotes.
"When you feel that money pressing against your manhood, you know that nobody can stop you from doing anything you want. Democracy, ha!"
Key's interview has been slammed by Green MP Sue Kedgley.
"What a terrible, despicable monster!" she exclaimed in horror, before running away screaming.
Labour leader Phil Goff was quick to release his own list of dirty deeds, just hours after the Key interview.
The release, entitled "I'm a Bad Boy Too" claims that Goff has had at least three parking tickets over the last two years, and that he "gets in the mood" by watching action movies and drinking a bottle New Zealand sauvignon blanc.
"I haven't strangled any animals," said Mr Goff.
"But I sure as heck get mad sometimes. Like when I'm on my motorbike and the wind is rushing through my hair, and then I discover that there's a snarl-up on the motorway and the traffic's really slow.
"And you should see me in a uniform. I've ordered a bunch of them online this afternoon. Along with some cats and some antique vases.
"I am bad to the bone."
Prominent blogger and society columnist Hilda Von Tempsky said that Key was a breath of fresh air, when compared with the leaders of the past.
"The man has a way of pulling it off the way the others just couldn't. When he puts on that SS uniform and starts goose-stepping you can bet he'll be all goofy and likeable.
"Prime Minister Key's great strength is that he's down to earth, unlike his predecessor in the role. I don't think Helen Clark strangled a single kitten during her nine years in office, and I think she suffered for it."
Monday, December 26, 2011
An Important Post That You Must Read*
It's the holidays.
Why are you even looking for blogs to read?
Now that I think of it, why am I writing this?
* I always save my biggest lies for Boxing Day.
Why are you even looking for blogs to read?
Now that I think of it, why am I writing this?
* I always save my biggest lies for Boxing Day.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Dick Fritter's Top 2011 Calls
Fritter's biographer, Michael Bassett, has described the master strategist as a "hard drinking, hard living, hard loving man who can sniff out any scandal and manage any crisis."
Fritter will be best known to readers as the brains behind the controversial “Homo/Not Homo” billboards that worked so effectively for National in the 2008 election.
It's been a long few months, and I've been the star of just about every newspaper, talk radio channel and current affairs show.
The end of another political year is an ideal time to reflect on my achievements, before kicking back for the summer to chase some tail and sink some serious piss with my old mates Barry and Bill.
When it comes to politics I've seen it all. So there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that surprised me about November's election. I predicted National’s win and the good old-fashioned rogering that Labour got. I correctly picked that the Labour Party would end up with its trousers around its ankles, and that John Key would go hard all the way to the end of the campaign.
Allow me to remind you how good I really am. Let's go through some of my predictions.
ACT Party
Just after Don Brash took over the party I wrote on my Herald blog:
This is a stunning coup that will have the mainstream parties in a panic. ACT will be at over 10% in the party vote by the end of November. Lock it in!Now some people have since criticised me for this prediction, pointing out that ACT was almost obliterated in the November election and barely managed 1%.
What a lot of pointless girlie nitpicking. Am I really to blame if a Herald sub-editor can't manage to put a decimal point in the right place? I meant 1.0%, not 10%! I've since asked the Herald to change the post to correct their egregious error.
And I was almost bang on with my prediction, wasn't I?
Winston Peters
I predicted Winston's return, even though nobody believed me at the time.
Someone mocked me the other day, claiming that on Newstalk ZB I told Larry Williams it would be a cold day in Hell before Winston Peters led his party back into Parliament.
Were their ears painted on?
What I actually said was that it would be a cool day in Wellington on the day Winston led his party back into Parliament. And I was right. On the day they all swore the oath it definitely got cooler as the evening drew nearer. It can get chilly in the capital of an evening.
You don't believe me? Well go and listen to the recording of my interview. What do you mean the file's not available? Well that's very convenient for you, isn't it?
Epsom
When it turned out that the sneaky bastards had taped Key and Banks having tea I wrote on my blog:
Two grown men having a ladies’ drink in a fancy cafe? Have they been completely emasculated by the Sisterhood? Has this pair lost their pair? Mark my words, this will turn out to be the most momentous day of the campaign. National can now kiss goodbye to any chance of winning on November 26.I was obviously referring to the Epsom electoral candidate contest. And was I right or was I right? That Goldsmith girlie-man came second to my old mate Banksie.
From the comments left on my blogpost it looks as if some people think I was predicting National's defeat in the general election. The clowns!
Anyway, I went back to my blogpost and added "in Epsom" after "November 26", but only because I can't be arsed dealing with so many comments by the criminally uninformed and illiterate. The fools just don't understand how a statement can have several shades of meaning.
Labour leadership
Just after the three Labour leadership candidates were announced I wrote on my Stuff blog:
Here's my pick. Cunliffe first, Parker second, Shearer third. You can bank on that prediction. That’s a promise.A couple of bloggers have been mocking me for making what they say is a spectacularly bad call. Wrong! I got it right, yet again. Cunliffe really was first.
Does not Cunliffe's surname go ahead of Parker's when ranked alphabetically? Does not Parker come second and Shearer third?
See what I mean? Right every time. Suck on that!
I also predicted David Shearer's victory. I wrote two weeks ago:
Electing David Shearer as leader would be the dumbest move in history. Even dumber than giving women the vote, taxing tobacco or banning slavery. No sane group of politicians would ever contemplate putting such a vomit-inducing do-gooder in charge of their party. Just like fairtrade coffee, Shearer is bound to leave a foul taste in the mouth of the public.I have been saying for years that Labour caucus member are all as mad as badgers. So I was absolutely right--again!
You can always rely on Labour to do the wrong thing. What the party really needed was a leader with a bit of spunk, someone with balls, someone with a bit of lead in the pencil. One of them really just needed to pull his pants down, get in amongst it, go hard and show us his stuff. Instead they elected someone who wants to change the world and make it nice for others. Excuse me while I puke.
He won't get anywhere, because the party remains obsessed with identity politics. I don't make a big song and dance about my status as a privileged white male, so why do all those women, gays and minorities have to kick up such a fuss all of the time? And then there are all the unionists in the party running the place while moaning about low wages, God help us! They should just STFU and get on with cooking my burger.
Anyway, I'm sure you will now agree that all of the above prove that when it comes to political predictions I am Number One. When it comes to politics there’s not a thing I haven’t seen, done, written a book on, rooted, drank under the table, or sold to the gullible voters. Everyone else, like your Farrars and your Hootons, is a wannabe. To be a successful player you need big balls and a big gut.
But in spite of my record I get grief from others. The thing about all this punditry is that, even though I have a better record than anyone else on the circuit, people still think they have a right to have a go at me. It can be demoralising for some people in the game, but I have a thick skin and have learned not to take my detractors seriously.
Some of them are just plain crazy, like the woman who last week told me I was a fat sweaty misogynistic jerk. What a crazy thing to say! I love women, I really do, especially when I don’t have to pay for it. And if I’m such a woman-hater, how can I have been married four times? Go on, ask my ex-wives what I’m like. Actually, don’t talk to the first three, because they’re vicious lying bitches. And don’t bother talking to Tatiana, unless you speak Russian. The cow.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The Round Institute Of New Zealand Business Tables?
I am somewhat surprised to read that the Business Roundtable and New Zealand Institute are to merge.
The theory behind the merger appears to be that the country isn’t big enough for two economic think-tanks. But I just can’t see how the merger can work without one organisation swallowing the other.
The two organisations have traditionally looked at the economy from completely different perspectives. The BRT’s prescription for our ailments has typically been to promote a small-government low-tax minimal-regulation environment. Its neoliberal economic outlook harks back to the 1980s. Many people would argue that the current state of the world economy is proof that neoliberalism has been a total failure and that a new model is required.
By contrast the NZI’s reports on our economy have tended to be more focused on looking at the “big picture” stuff, like innovation, skills and economic development, but without assuming the answer lies in only one direction.
It would be tempting to think that the failure of neoliberalism has made the BRT unsustainable as an organisation, and that with the passing of Roger Kerr the think-tank is now prepared to look at other ways to grow the economy besides cutting taxes and bureaucracy.
But I suspect it will be difficult for the neoliberals within the BRT to throw away their religion that quickly.
The theory behind the merger appears to be that the country isn’t big enough for two economic think-tanks. But I just can’t see how the merger can work without one organisation swallowing the other.
The two organisations have traditionally looked at the economy from completely different perspectives. The BRT’s prescription for our ailments has typically been to promote a small-government low-tax minimal-regulation environment. Its neoliberal economic outlook harks back to the 1980s. Many people would argue that the current state of the world economy is proof that neoliberalism has been a total failure and that a new model is required.
By contrast the NZI’s reports on our economy have tended to be more focused on looking at the “big picture” stuff, like innovation, skills and economic development, but without assuming the answer lies in only one direction.
It would be tempting to think that the failure of neoliberalism has made the BRT unsustainable as an organisation, and that with the passing of Roger Kerr the think-tank is now prepared to look at other ways to grow the economy besides cutting taxes and bureaucracy.
But I suspect it will be difficult for the neoliberals within the BRT to throw away their religion that quickly.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Some Christmas Cheer
2011 may have been a lousy year for a lot of people, but it was also the year some of the worst people on the planet left it.
Gaddafi, bin Laden and Kim were perhaps the three nastiest pieces of work going around, and now they are no more.
Thanks Santa!
Gaddafi, bin Laden and Kim were perhaps the three nastiest pieces of work going around, and now they are no more.
Thanks Santa!
Dunne In Stoush Over Caucus Lunch Plan
A fierce row has broken out between a Wellington restaurateur and United Future Party leader Peter Dunne, over a table booking for one of the city’s most in-demand eateries.
The trouble began when Mr Dunne attempted to book a table at Wellington’s Acropolis Cafe for his caucus’ annual Christmas lunch.
According to Mr Dunne the co-owner of the cafe, Dmitry Kalifanipolipopolis, was rude and insulting to him over the telephone.
“I rang the cafe on Friday hoping to secure a table for my team, because they have some tremendous authentic Greek and Turkish fare there, but I know how busy the place can be at lunchtime,” said Mr Dunne.
“I wasn’t expecting to be so insulted.
“The owner yelled back down the phone at me, calling me an idiot, and then he hung up.”
Mr Dunne said he had decided to come forward for the good of the hospitality industry.
“I’m thick-skinned, because you have to be able to take the knocks when you’re in politics. I only decided to go public with this because the kind of treatment I experienced really isn’t acceptable for the service industry, and it ruins it for those who are trying hard to present New Zealand as a friendly destination for visitors.”
Mr Dunne said he suspected Mr Kalifanipolipopolis might have been motivated by a political grudge.
“If Mr Kalifanipolipopolis has a problem with the United Future Party or any of my caucus members, then that’s fine. But he should come clean and be open about it."
Greek-born Dmitry Kalifanipolipopolis admitted he was rude to Mr Dunne, but claimed he was provoked.
“This guy ring me, say he is Peter Dunne and then say he want to book a table at lunchtime for his caucus team.
"I say to him ‘Peter Dunne, whadda are you even talking about? You don’t have a no caucus team.’
“He then say I shoulda no be so rude and I say to him ‘listen, we not take a no bookings, you idiot!’
"Then I slam a down the phone on him. I thought he was maybe one of those, what do you call it, crank callers, and I get a little angry.”
The United Future leader has bristled at suggestions his party has no caucus.
“We are a caucus of one, and you should never underestimate the Power of One,” said Mr Dunne.
“Which is a cracking good book, by the way. I avidly devour anything written by Bryce Courtenay, who in my opinion is the Shakespeare of the Southern Hemisphere and deserves much more acclaim than he gets. He beats Wilbur Smith hands down, every single time.
“I am very proud of my team, and we are probably the most united caucus in the current parliament.”
But Mr Kalifanipolipopolis said he was not impressed with Mr Dunne.
“He a crazy man. How am I take table booking for a kebab shop in a foodhall?”
The trouble began when Mr Dunne attempted to book a table at Wellington’s Acropolis Cafe for his caucus’ annual Christmas lunch.
According to Mr Dunne the co-owner of the cafe, Dmitry Kalifanipolipopolis, was rude and insulting to him over the telephone.
“I rang the cafe on Friday hoping to secure a table for my team, because they have some tremendous authentic Greek and Turkish fare there, but I know how busy the place can be at lunchtime,” said Mr Dunne.
“I wasn’t expecting to be so insulted.
“The owner yelled back down the phone at me, calling me an idiot, and then he hung up.”
Mr Dunne said he had decided to come forward for the good of the hospitality industry.
“I’m thick-skinned, because you have to be able to take the knocks when you’re in politics. I only decided to go public with this because the kind of treatment I experienced really isn’t acceptable for the service industry, and it ruins it for those who are trying hard to present New Zealand as a friendly destination for visitors.”
Mr Dunne said he suspected Mr Kalifanipolipopolis might have been motivated by a political grudge.
“If Mr Kalifanipolipopolis has a problem with the United Future Party or any of my caucus members, then that’s fine. But he should come clean and be open about it."
Greek-born Dmitry Kalifanipolipopolis admitted he was rude to Mr Dunne, but claimed he was provoked.
“This guy ring me, say he is Peter Dunne and then say he want to book a table at lunchtime for his caucus team.
"I say to him ‘Peter Dunne, whadda are you even talking about? You don’t have a no caucus team.’
“He then say I shoulda no be so rude and I say to him ‘listen, we not take a no bookings, you idiot!’
"Then I slam a down the phone on him. I thought he was maybe one of those, what do you call it, crank callers, and I get a little angry.”
The United Future leader has bristled at suggestions his party has no caucus.
“We are a caucus of one, and you should never underestimate the Power of One,” said Mr Dunne.
“Which is a cracking good book, by the way. I avidly devour anything written by Bryce Courtenay, who in my opinion is the Shakespeare of the Southern Hemisphere and deserves much more acclaim than he gets. He beats Wilbur Smith hands down, every single time.
“I am very proud of my team, and we are probably the most united caucus in the current parliament.”
But Mr Kalifanipolipopolis said he was not impressed with Mr Dunne.
“He a crazy man. How am I take table booking for a kebab shop in a foodhall?”
Dr Don Seeks To Sink Santa
Former ACT Party leader Dr Don Brash has confirmed he is seeking to replace Santa Claus as the bringer of joy to children around the world.
Persistent rumours of a move into the world of Christmas cheer have dogged Dr Brash since he resigned from the ACT Party on election night.
Last night Dr Brash confirmed he had been in discussions with a number of Santa’s elves about the leadership of their organisation. He said he was confident he had the numbers to replace Santa at the next board meeting at the North Pole this Wednesday.
“I have spoken to a number of people in the team, including Mrs Claus, the elves, and some of the reindeer. The decision is theirs to make, but I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think I had a shot at winning”, said Dr Brash.
Dr Brash says the organisation needs a new direction, and is promising big things if he wins the leadership battle.
"Frankly, the current direction Christmas is being taken in is unsustainable,” said Dr Brash. “I believe I can make a real difference. Under my leadership we can look forward to many more years of strong and stable Christmas celebrations.”
Santa’s leadership has been in question for several months, and recent polls have shown that fewer children than ever before now believe he exists.
The troubles began after Santa was caught out in 2009 taking Mrs Claus to Disneyland to see his friend Mickey Mouse, using money that had been allocated for the purchase of children’s toys.
Concerns have also been raised about some of the practices of Santa’s organisation, with some critics claiming that the elves have been sourcing low quality products from China in an effort to cut costs.
And in 2010 a Campbell Live investigation revealed that a number of men claiming to be the real Santa were in fact impostors, and that Santa knew about the fraud.
Secret footage taken for the show revealed that in shopping malls around the country children were being duped into thinking they were talking to the real Santa, when very often the lap they were sitting on belonged to an impostor.
When confronted with the footage Santa Claus said he knew about the fraud but kept it to himself because he did not think it was an issue.
Details of some of the vicious and ugly infighting within the organisation have been leaked to the public, further destabilising the current Santa’s leadership.
A large group of the reindeer were believed to be bitter over Santa’s decision to let Rudolph guide the sleigh this year, and this was confirmed last month when a series of emails between the reindeer Donder and Blitzen were leaked.
The emails reveal that the pair have been plotting to have Rudolph demoted to the back of the pack. The emails reveal a concern among the reindeer about Rudolph’s shiny red nose being an unnecessary distraction to the serious business of spreading Christmas joy.
Dr Brash said he was keen to make a break from the problems of the past, and breathe new life into an ailing organisation.
He said there was a need to return Santa and his jolly crew to the basic fundamentals of Christmas, which included slashing red Christmas tape and ribbon, and responsible gift-giving.
“Santa has grown fat and bloated, thanks to a culture of dependency upon Christmas pies, cakes and biscuits left out by children on Christmas Eve,” said Dr Brash.
“I can promise you that if I step into that red suit you will see a leaner and meaner Father Christmas.”
Dr Brash said that some of the policies he would pursue might not be popular in the short term, but were essential for the long-term survival of Christmas.
“Frankly, it makes no economic sense to be rewarding the children of the poor with any gifts at all, when surely the message we ought be instilling in them is that if their mummies and daddies work hard, get ahead and grow rich, then they can have the best new electronic gadgets and want for nothing.”
Dr Brash confirmed that he favoured further moves to make Christmas fully user-pays by the year 2025.
“We’ve made some progress in the last 30 years in this country, so that from late October every year we are bombarded with commercial messages about Christmas. But we need to go further.
“It isn’t enough that parents are being forced to pay exorbitant prices just so their kids can be photographed with Santa at the local mall. We should be encouraging kids to give cash directly to Santa.
“If Little Johnny wants a Transformer toy, then he can damn well pay Santa for it.”
This morning Santa Claus responded dismissively to Dr Brash’s leadership bid.
“Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to one and all!” said Santa.
Persistent rumours of a move into the world of Christmas cheer have dogged Dr Brash since he resigned from the ACT Party on election night.
Last night Dr Brash confirmed he had been in discussions with a number of Santa’s elves about the leadership of their organisation. He said he was confident he had the numbers to replace Santa at the next board meeting at the North Pole this Wednesday.
“I have spoken to a number of people in the team, including Mrs Claus, the elves, and some of the reindeer. The decision is theirs to make, but I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think I had a shot at winning”, said Dr Brash.
Dr Brash says the organisation needs a new direction, and is promising big things if he wins the leadership battle.
"Frankly, the current direction Christmas is being taken in is unsustainable,” said Dr Brash. “I believe I can make a real difference. Under my leadership we can look forward to many more years of strong and stable Christmas celebrations.”
Santa’s leadership has been in question for several months, and recent polls have shown that fewer children than ever before now believe he exists.
The troubles began after Santa was caught out in 2009 taking Mrs Claus to Disneyland to see his friend Mickey Mouse, using money that had been allocated for the purchase of children’s toys.
Concerns have also been raised about some of the practices of Santa’s organisation, with some critics claiming that the elves have been sourcing low quality products from China in an effort to cut costs.
And in 2010 a Campbell Live investigation revealed that a number of men claiming to be the real Santa were in fact impostors, and that Santa knew about the fraud.
Secret footage taken for the show revealed that in shopping malls around the country children were being duped into thinking they were talking to the real Santa, when very often the lap they were sitting on belonged to an impostor.
When confronted with the footage Santa Claus said he knew about the fraud but kept it to himself because he did not think it was an issue.
Details of some of the vicious and ugly infighting within the organisation have been leaked to the public, further destabilising the current Santa’s leadership.
A large group of the reindeer were believed to be bitter over Santa’s decision to let Rudolph guide the sleigh this year, and this was confirmed last month when a series of emails between the reindeer Donder and Blitzen were leaked.
The emails reveal that the pair have been plotting to have Rudolph demoted to the back of the pack. The emails reveal a concern among the reindeer about Rudolph’s shiny red nose being an unnecessary distraction to the serious business of spreading Christmas joy.
Dr Brash said he was keen to make a break from the problems of the past, and breathe new life into an ailing organisation.
He said there was a need to return Santa and his jolly crew to the basic fundamentals of Christmas, which included slashing red Christmas tape and ribbon, and responsible gift-giving.
“Santa has grown fat and bloated, thanks to a culture of dependency upon Christmas pies, cakes and biscuits left out by children on Christmas Eve,” said Dr Brash.
“I can promise you that if I step into that red suit you will see a leaner and meaner Father Christmas.”
Dr Brash said that some of the policies he would pursue might not be popular in the short term, but were essential for the long-term survival of Christmas.
“Frankly, it makes no economic sense to be rewarding the children of the poor with any gifts at all, when surely the message we ought be instilling in them is that if their mummies and daddies work hard, get ahead and grow rich, then they can have the best new electronic gadgets and want for nothing.”
Dr Brash confirmed that he favoured further moves to make Christmas fully user-pays by the year 2025.
“We’ve made some progress in the last 30 years in this country, so that from late October every year we are bombarded with commercial messages about Christmas. But we need to go further.
“It isn’t enough that parents are being forced to pay exorbitant prices just so their kids can be photographed with Santa at the local mall. We should be encouraging kids to give cash directly to Santa.
“If Little Johnny wants a Transformer toy, then he can damn well pay Santa for it.”
This morning Santa Claus responded dismissively to Dr Brash’s leadership bid.
“Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to one and all!” said Santa.
Friday, December 16, 2011
A Plea To Jim Hopkins
I was thrilled to read your latest column in the NZ Herald. I’m a big fan of your work and I always enjoy reading your unique spin on the issues of the day.
On Friday I was delighted to discover you had stepped in to help all of humanity, by abolishing global warming. You wrote: "Global warming has left the building."
I never suspected you had it in you. I don’t know how you did it, but I reckon it must be something to do with those craaaaaaaazy red-rimmed glasses you wear. Whatever they’re paying you at the Herald, they ought to double it!
So how did you do it? Please, please tell me, because I’ve been trying to fathom how only the day before global warming was recognised by the vast majority of climate scientists as a very real danger, and now it’s no longer even a threat.
Your astonishing intervention has left me racking my brains to find a scientific theory to explain this profound environmental change. Only after a pleasant lunch involving astounding volumes of vodka did I manage to come up with any sort of theory at all, though you’ll probably tell me I’m wrong once you hear it.
My theory is this: you have rescued us from environmental Armageddon by selflessly sucking up all the excess heat from the atmosphere, utilising the highly advanced technologies built into your spectacles. Thanks to your efforts we should soon expect a reduction in global temperatures.
If I’m right, then you really must be suffering. It can’t be comfortable with all that heat inside you, and I’m surprised you haven’t just burnt up. It’s no wonder you’ve releasing so much hot air through various orifices, because if you held on to all of it your head would eventually blow off. What astounds me is your continuing dedication to the wellbeing of humanity, even with all of that going on inside of you. You didn’t have to give us advance warning of your gas release events, but thanks to your scheduling we know to expect a blast of hot air every Friday. I appreciate the warning, and have decided to work four days a week from now on so I can stay at home on Fridays with my doors and windows closed.
If this isn’t how you did it, and if it wasn’t those craaaaaaaazy red-rimmed glasses combined with the awesome hot-air capacity of your lungs and posterior region, then the only other solution I can come up with is magic. I’m not a big believer in witchcraft and paranormal events, because to believe in something I usually need actual evidence. But in this situation there really isn’t any other explanation for how you could just decide one day that one of the world’s most intractable problems has vanished.
I’m not generally inclined towards religion, but this whole situation has left me questioning what is real and what isn’t, and wondering whether greater powers may be at play. I’ve even wondered if you might be Jesus, but you don’t much look like the pictures of the Messiah I’ve seen, which usually depict a man in robes and a beard, who generally isn’t wearing craaaaaaaazy red-rimmed glasses. Could you be some sort of minor god or other deity? You must be.
No doubt you’ll be too busy to read this letter, and I expect you’re already planning your next humanitarian effort. Your global warming trick did catch me off guard, so I don’t really want to speculate on what you may have planned next, although I expect it to be something big, like ending hunger or abolishing all crime. But if you do have a bit of spare time to exert some godly powers, may I put in my own modest request? I’ve attached to my letter a list of names of various people I know. I really am sorry that it’s such a long list, but I seem to know such an awful lot of people. If you get a chance, would you be so kind as to give them all a good smiting?
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Uncle Ernie: Hidden In Plain Sight
The Greens are dangerous. They are more than a polite group of tree-huggers, slug-savers and water samplers but you rarely, if ever, hear of the more sinister planks of their policy, which are frightening to say the least to those of us who care about what really matters.I almost had a turn when I read that. By God, the hippies have a secret agenda! I always wondered what their ultimate goal was, but I never suspected their plan was to exterminate the young and elderly, and force everyone into same-sex marriages against their will.
If I am to be forced into wedlock with another man at my advanced age (oh the horror!), then my only hope is that he is at least someone young and with some vigour about him. A smart young man in a police or military uniform would at least make the ordeal less harrowing.
Jesus wouldn’t approve of this, I’m sure. If he were here today Jesus would damn all the Greens to Hell for their deviant and murderous ways, because damning others is what Jesus does best. Don’t be fooled into thinking that Jesus was always nice and would never hit back hard and ruthlessly against wrongdoers. That’s just what the liberals want you to think. So when Jesus said all that stuff in the Bible about loving one another he wasn’t being serious. People shouldn’t take literally everything that the Good Book says. For example, the Book of Exodus says that anyone who works on the Sabbath shall be put to death, but nobody seriously thinks it’s a good idea to kill people who work on a Sunday. A thorough beating with clubs and sticks will usually be perfectly adequate.
My mate reckons that it’s a good thing we have Winston Peters back in Parliament. My mate says that if Peters and his offsiders do nothing else in the next three years than stand against any move by the Greens and/or Labour to advance their murderously liberal humanism, they will have the gratitude and the support of hundreds of thousands of New Zealanders who see the sanctity of life as the bedrock on which civilised society is built. I paraphrase, of course.
I couldn’t agree with him more. There’s nothing more insidious than a set of political beliefs that preaches respect for the environment and others, and tolerance of diversity and the views of minorities.
And is there anything more damaging to a society than allowing two people in a committed relationship and who love each other but just happen to be of the same gender to share the bonds of marriage?
Let’s be having no more of this humanistic humbug!
Another mate of mine says the evil plans of the Greens are social engineering of the worst kind, and by God he’s right! Can there be anything more sinister than a terrifying social engineering campaign, except when it involves an elderly white man telling people they must comply with his narrow worldview formed by decades of comfort, privilege and bigotry?
Pensioner Couple Trumps Higgs Boson Discovery
Physicists elated at what they believe is their discovery of the Higgs boson particle have been shocked to learn that a British pensioner couple may have beaten them to it.
The Higgs boson, commonly referred to as the “God particle”, is a sub-atomic particle believed to have given mass and energy to matter after the Big Bang.
Scientists have been working at the CERN research facility in Switzerland to find traces of the particle. Their work has involved smashing particles together at near light-speed in the Large Hadron Collider.
Yesterday project staff announced that they had found traces of what could be the Higgs boson.
But Doris Bingle of Leighton Buzzard, 74, has told the BBC that she and husband Norman discovered the Higgs boson three years ago while tidying their attic.
“We inherited the house from Norman’s mother about ten years ago,” explained Mrs Bingle.
“We knew the attic was full of boxes of old photos and papers, and about three years ago we finally got around to sorting them out.”
Mrs Bingle said she found the Higgs boson particles in a box of old papers.
“The box was full of all sorts of old rubbish. Letters, manuscripts and the like. I found some tatty old handwritten manuscript with the words ‘Love’s Labours Won’ on the front and I remember asking Norman what we should do with it. We finally agreed to throw it in the rubbish, but just as I went to throw it in the bin something fell out from between the pages.”
Mrs Bingle said she was stunned by what she found.
“I said to Norman ‘oh, that’s one of them Higgs boson particle things, that is!’ There it was, as clear as day, lying on the floor of our attic. Well, we could hardly believe our eyes!”
The couple searched further and found five more particles hidden between the pages of the old manuscript.
Mrs Bingle’s husband Norman said the couple then had a debate about what the particles might be.
“They looked more like neutrinos to me,” said Mr Bingle.
“I said ‘throw them away, dear, they’re of no use to us.’ But she wouldn’t. Doris is a terrible one for hoarding, you see, so we wrapped them up in an ugly old drawing from a man called Picasso that my Mum used to know, and then forgot about the whole thing for three years.”
The particles found by the Bingles were positively identified last month during filming of an episode of Antiques Roadshow.
“They were making a show just down the road, and we remembered the particles and wondered if they might be worth something,” said Mrs Bingle.
“We spoke to the man at the Early 21st Century Atomic Physics table, and he confirmed they were Higgs boson particles, just as I first thought.”
“And she’s been giving me grief about it ever since,” added Mr Bingle with a sigh. “I don’t know how we’ll afford the insurance.”
A spokesperson for the CERN research facility confirmed today that the Bingles had been first to discover the Higgs boson.
"Despite investing billions of dollars into this project, it appears we have been beaten to it by a pair of pensioners," said Dr Roy Akemund from CERN.
"We have been in contact with the British couple and have agreed that the particle should be renamed the Bingle in honour of their discovery.
“On a personal note, the fact that I have wasted the last thirty years of my life searching for something that was sitting in an attic in Leighton Buzzard is a bitter pill to swallow.
“I never even wanted to be a physicist, but my father, who was also a physicist, told me I had to take over the family business. That was back when every village had its resident physicist who was regarded as an upstanding and respected member of the community.
“How times have changed! Gone now is the little village physics shop where you could while away a summer’s afternoon chatting to a customer about atmospheric pressure and the likelihood of liquid precipitation while your prepared her weekly order of quantum electrodynamics.
“Nowadays all the physicists are crammed into vast and soulless universities and research institutes. At CERN alone there are thousands of us. We are an army of little ants scurrying from one experiment to the next.
"Is that any kind of life for a man who as a boy dreamed of a career in Irish folk dance?"
The Higgs boson, commonly referred to as the “God particle”, is a sub-atomic particle believed to have given mass and energy to matter after the Big Bang.
Scientists have been working at the CERN research facility in Switzerland to find traces of the particle. Their work has involved smashing particles together at near light-speed in the Large Hadron Collider.
Yesterday project staff announced that they had found traces of what could be the Higgs boson.
But Doris Bingle of Leighton Buzzard, 74, has told the BBC that she and husband Norman discovered the Higgs boson three years ago while tidying their attic.
“We inherited the house from Norman’s mother about ten years ago,” explained Mrs Bingle.
“We knew the attic was full of boxes of old photos and papers, and about three years ago we finally got around to sorting them out.”
Mrs Bingle said she found the Higgs boson particles in a box of old papers.
“The box was full of all sorts of old rubbish. Letters, manuscripts and the like. I found some tatty old handwritten manuscript with the words ‘Love’s Labours Won’ on the front and I remember asking Norman what we should do with it. We finally agreed to throw it in the rubbish, but just as I went to throw it in the bin something fell out from between the pages.”
Mrs Bingle said she was stunned by what she found.
“I said to Norman ‘oh, that’s one of them Higgs boson particle things, that is!’ There it was, as clear as day, lying on the floor of our attic. Well, we could hardly believe our eyes!”
The couple searched further and found five more particles hidden between the pages of the old manuscript.
Mrs Bingle’s husband Norman said the couple then had a debate about what the particles might be.
“They looked more like neutrinos to me,” said Mr Bingle.
“I said ‘throw them away, dear, they’re of no use to us.’ But she wouldn’t. Doris is a terrible one for hoarding, you see, so we wrapped them up in an ugly old drawing from a man called Picasso that my Mum used to know, and then forgot about the whole thing for three years.”
The particles found by the Bingles were positively identified last month during filming of an episode of Antiques Roadshow.
“They were making a show just down the road, and we remembered the particles and wondered if they might be worth something,” said Mrs Bingle.
“We spoke to the man at the Early 21st Century Atomic Physics table, and he confirmed they were Higgs boson particles, just as I first thought.”
“And she’s been giving me grief about it ever since,” added Mr Bingle with a sigh. “I don’t know how we’ll afford the insurance.”
A spokesperson for the CERN research facility confirmed today that the Bingles had been first to discover the Higgs boson.
"Despite investing billions of dollars into this project, it appears we have been beaten to it by a pair of pensioners," said Dr Roy Akemund from CERN.
"We have been in contact with the British couple and have agreed that the particle should be renamed the Bingle in honour of their discovery.
“On a personal note, the fact that I have wasted the last thirty years of my life searching for something that was sitting in an attic in Leighton Buzzard is a bitter pill to swallow.
“I never even wanted to be a physicist, but my father, who was also a physicist, told me I had to take over the family business. That was back when every village had its resident physicist who was regarded as an upstanding and respected member of the community.
“How times have changed! Gone now is the little village physics shop where you could while away a summer’s afternoon chatting to a customer about atmospheric pressure and the likelihood of liquid precipitation while your prepared her weekly order of quantum electrodynamics.
“Nowadays all the physicists are crammed into vast and soulless universities and research institutes. At CERN alone there are thousands of us. We are an army of little ants scurrying from one experiment to the next.
"Is that any kind of life for a man who as a boy dreamed of a career in Irish folk dance?"
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
To The Disappointed
I have some advice to those Cunliffe supporters now suffering from the anguished disappointment of their hopes.
Hush now.
Even if he wasn't your pick, David Shearer is a good man who has given a lifetime of service to others. He may not possess the flowing oratory that your man does, but flowing oratory isn't everything. Look at Barack Obama's popularity ratings.
Give Shearer a chance and then, if he fails, you'll be free to say "look, I told you this would happen!"
But "this" hasn't happened yet. Give him a couple of years to prove himself.
One thing is certain. Labour will not win in 2014 if its supporters continue to publicly chip away at the party and each other.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, and if you decide that Labour's no longer your cup of tea then by all means say what you feel.
But the only way we will get a Labour government in 2014 is if the party is disciplined and on-message.
One of the criticisms of Labour I heard an awful lot prior to the election is "they don't deserve to run the country if they can't run their own party."
It is a fair criticism. The party made an awful lot of mistakes in the last three years, and allowed a perception to grow in the media and in the minds of the public that Labour was disorganised and lacked a clear vision. Its attacks on the government were often misdirected and frequently resulted in injuries due to friendly-fire.
Sometimes it takes a bad election loss to bring reality crashing down, and my feeling is that is has. There is an appetite for change within the party, and hopefully Shearer and Robertson are the people for the job. If we don't support them, and if we spend the next couple of years bemoaning the decision not to select Cunliffe, we will probably see a National victory in 2014.
And another thing. Some people have been predicting that the selection of David Shearer spells the end of Labour as a credible political force.
But even if Shearer fails, the party will survive. It's been going for almost a hundred years now, so I don't think it's too bold a prediction to say that the party will endure the fallout from this leadership battle.
Hush now.
Even if he wasn't your pick, David Shearer is a good man who has given a lifetime of service to others. He may not possess the flowing oratory that your man does, but flowing oratory isn't everything. Look at Barack Obama's popularity ratings.
Give Shearer a chance and then, if he fails, you'll be free to say "look, I told you this would happen!"
But "this" hasn't happened yet. Give him a couple of years to prove himself.
One thing is certain. Labour will not win in 2014 if its supporters continue to publicly chip away at the party and each other.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, and if you decide that Labour's no longer your cup of tea then by all means say what you feel.
But the only way we will get a Labour government in 2014 is if the party is disciplined and on-message.
One of the criticisms of Labour I heard an awful lot prior to the election is "they don't deserve to run the country if they can't run their own party."
It is a fair criticism. The party made an awful lot of mistakes in the last three years, and allowed a perception to grow in the media and in the minds of the public that Labour was disorganised and lacked a clear vision. Its attacks on the government were often misdirected and frequently resulted in injuries due to friendly-fire.
Sometimes it takes a bad election loss to bring reality crashing down, and my feeling is that is has. There is an appetite for change within the party, and hopefully Shearer and Robertson are the people for the job. If we don't support them, and if we spend the next couple of years bemoaning the decision not to select Cunliffe, we will probably see a National victory in 2014.
And another thing. Some people have been predicting that the selection of David Shearer spells the end of Labour as a credible political force.
But even if Shearer fails, the party will survive. It's been going for almost a hundred years now, so I don't think it's too bold a prediction to say that the party will endure the fallout from this leadership battle.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Analysing The Reshuffle
The King of the Gods, Zeus, yesterday announced a reshuffle of his pantheon, in an effort to freshen up his front bench.
Getting the pantheon lineup right was always going to be one of the trickier tasks facing the Father of Gods and Men, and he will have had to manage some bruised egos during the process.
One of the biggest beneficiaries is Hades, King of the Underworld. The Ruler of the Dead has been a strong performer over the last term and has been rewarded with an elevation to number four in the pecking order. Hades keeps the pits of Tartarus, but also assumes responsibility for economic development, science and innovation, tertiary education and associate finance.
Poseidon, the Earth Shaker, retains responsibility for the earthquake recovery, while Hephaestus remains in the engine room of Zeus' administration, retaining the critical finance role.
With Apollo's departure from the pantheon, Athena moves into the Justice role. Putting a god already at war with the legal profession into the role may be a gamble, but the King of the Gods will be relying upon Athena's famed cleverness and skill in war to ensure all opposition to her is crushed.
Her brother, Ares, the God of War, picks up Defence after impressing with a number of aggressive corporate box displays, and he also gets State Services and an Associate Finance role.
The list is notable for the number of women promoted. In particular, Demeter gets agriculture, while Artemis gets Sports and Recreation.
Hera also moves up into the front bench, but retains her Social Development and Youth Affairs portfolios, after a strong performance in which she drove Heracles mad and destroyed his family. Zeus will be hoping she can do the same with other families.
Hermes remains towards the bottom of the list, but retains the Building and Construction and Customs portfolios.
But with any reshuffle there are inevitable losers. The biggest loser is Atë, who has been stripped of education and now slips out of the top tier, after a ruinous display of folly and delusion in her portfolio.
Later today the Titans announce a new leader. They will be hoping that a new leadership and front bench will increase their chances of ending a long exile in Tartarus. It is expected that an announcement will be made after lunch today.
Getting the pantheon lineup right was always going to be one of the trickier tasks facing the Father of Gods and Men, and he will have had to manage some bruised egos during the process.
One of the biggest beneficiaries is Hades, King of the Underworld. The Ruler of the Dead has been a strong performer over the last term and has been rewarded with an elevation to number four in the pecking order. Hades keeps the pits of Tartarus, but also assumes responsibility for economic development, science and innovation, tertiary education and associate finance.
Poseidon, the Earth Shaker, retains responsibility for the earthquake recovery, while Hephaestus remains in the engine room of Zeus' administration, retaining the critical finance role.
With Apollo's departure from the pantheon, Athena moves into the Justice role. Putting a god already at war with the legal profession into the role may be a gamble, but the King of the Gods will be relying upon Athena's famed cleverness and skill in war to ensure all opposition to her is crushed.
Her brother, Ares, the God of War, picks up Defence after impressing with a number of aggressive corporate box displays, and he also gets State Services and an Associate Finance role.
The list is notable for the number of women promoted. In particular, Demeter gets agriculture, while Artemis gets Sports and Recreation.
Hera also moves up into the front bench, but retains her Social Development and Youth Affairs portfolios, after a strong performance in which she drove Heracles mad and destroyed his family. Zeus will be hoping she can do the same with other families.
Hermes remains towards the bottom of the list, but retains the Building and Construction and Customs portfolios.
But with any reshuffle there are inevitable losers. The biggest loser is Atë, who has been stripped of education and now slips out of the top tier, after a ruinous display of folly and delusion in her portfolio.
Later today the Titans announce a new leader. They will be hoping that a new leadership and front bench will increase their chances of ending a long exile in Tartarus. It is expected that an announcement will be made after lunch today.
Monday, December 12, 2011
And Locusts Too
Danyl thinks the Labour Party's problem is that it's "full of hysterical simpletons", on the strength of a silly piece written in the Herald on Saturday by David Hawkins, a Cunliffe supporter.
But as excruciatingly silly as the Hawkins piece is, it's just one person's opinion.
It's also a partisan opinion that a journo sought out. I know this because I was asked to write a piece in favour of one of the candidates for the same issue of the Herald. I had to decline, because they wanted me to pick sides and I didn't want to.
If you go hunting for dissension and controversy you'll find it in any political party if you dig deep enough.
Every political party has its share of over-excited partisans. They're usually young, and they see things in black and white.
A party that doesn't have this type in large numbers is probably on the path to extinction.
Elsewhere, predictions are being made that Labour may end up regretting the openness of its leadership contest, because a bunch of people have posted strong opinions on The Standard. And yet The Standard is no more representative of the Labour rank and file than Kiwiblog is representative of National's mainstream membership. Both sites attract heated, excited commentary, usually from the same handful of people.
I know many non-Labour people are praying that the losing candidate will go feral, but I suspect there will be little tolerance for dissent or whining within the party once the contest has ended. The process has been more open than in previous years (although it would be even better if members got to vote), and efforts have been made to give party members the chance to see and to question the candidates. If after all of that some MPs do not get behind the new leader I suspect their colleagues will shun them.
That probably won't prevent a flood of excitable and outraged posts from supporters of the loser on The Standard or Red Alert, and I fully expect to read predictions of doom and disaster, of various plagues of frogs, lice, boils and hail, and of the extinction of the Labour Party as a political force.
My own bold prediction is that none of those things will come to pass.
But as excruciatingly silly as the Hawkins piece is, it's just one person's opinion.
It's also a partisan opinion that a journo sought out. I know this because I was asked to write a piece in favour of one of the candidates for the same issue of the Herald. I had to decline, because they wanted me to pick sides and I didn't want to.
If you go hunting for dissension and controversy you'll find it in any political party if you dig deep enough.
Every political party has its share of over-excited partisans. They're usually young, and they see things in black and white.
A party that doesn't have this type in large numbers is probably on the path to extinction.
Elsewhere, predictions are being made that Labour may end up regretting the openness of its leadership contest, because a bunch of people have posted strong opinions on The Standard. And yet The Standard is no more representative of the Labour rank and file than Kiwiblog is representative of National's mainstream membership. Both sites attract heated, excited commentary, usually from the same handful of people.
I know many non-Labour people are praying that the losing candidate will go feral, but I suspect there will be little tolerance for dissent or whining within the party once the contest has ended. The process has been more open than in previous years (although it would be even better if members got to vote), and efforts have been made to give party members the chance to see and to question the candidates. If after all of that some MPs do not get behind the new leader I suspect their colleagues will shun them.
That probably won't prevent a flood of excitable and outraged posts from supporters of the loser on The Standard or Red Alert, and I fully expect to read predictions of doom and disaster, of various plagues of frogs, lice, boils and hail, and of the extinction of the Labour Party as a political force.
My own bold prediction is that none of those things will come to pass.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
The Labour Leadership Indecision
So I went along to the Labour Party leadership debate/discussion today in order to make up my mind.
It didn't work. I'm still an undecided non-voter.
The issue for me is one of presentation. I am convinced that both Shearer and Cunliffe are, by and large, politically in about the same place. I don't see the leadership campaign as a left versus right battle, and the issues they spoke about during the meeting made it abundantly clear to me that they want the same things and want to take the party in much the same direction.
So it comes down to this: is the best leader going to be the superb communicator who can cast a spell over an audience during a speech and who has a grasp of policy detail? Or will he be the guy who is less polished but has spent his life living Labour's values?
To connect with the disaffected voters who turned from Labour in their thousands do we need a great orator who can savage the government in the House, or do we need someone with a compelling life-story who provides a stark contrast to the money-trader who made millions on the financial markets?
Cunliffe's almost Obama-like style of oratory will have appealed to many in the audience today. There were even the hoots and cheers from his supporters that you would expect from a US Presidential campaign. Shearer, by contrast, was down-to-earth, and for some will have presented as an agreeable alternative to the hype and noise of Cunliffe and his supporters. Shearer exudes a genuine humility that some say will make him a potent force against the Flash Harry currently in charge of the country. Others, however, think someone with a bit more "mongrel" is needed to match John Key.
Well I don't get to vote, which is probably a good thing. I don't see how anyone can be totally convinced one way or the other about who is the best candidate. Each man is a gamble, because he has obvious strengths and weaknesses. Neither man is the complete package, but then who in a leadership role ever is?
A quick comment on the deputy leadership contest. I have not heard Nanaia Mahuta speak before, but she impressed. Grant Robertson was also a compelling speaker, and he is unquestionably a future star. I'm not sure if either is ready for the role yet, but in the case of Mahuta that's because I haven't seen enough of her.
Putting aside the question of who the right candidate is, what strikes me about the leadership contest is how the party has opened up and listened to criticism. At the meeting there wasn't too much blaming of the usual suspects (e.g. the media, public stupidity, others on the left, etc etc), and all of the leadership candidates seem to understand that the party has failed to explain to the public why they should give Labour their vote. It feels like any lingering complacency from the Clark years is disappearing.
Finally, a prediction. I don't have any inside knowledge, and I haven't heard any whispers from within the caucus. But while I can't personally choose between the two Davids, I suspect Shearer will win it by a couple of votes. Note: this is not a confident prediction, so don't hold it against me if the other David wins.
It didn't work. I'm still an undecided non-voter.
The issue for me is one of presentation. I am convinced that both Shearer and Cunliffe are, by and large, politically in about the same place. I don't see the leadership campaign as a left versus right battle, and the issues they spoke about during the meeting made it abundantly clear to me that they want the same things and want to take the party in much the same direction.
So it comes down to this: is the best leader going to be the superb communicator who can cast a spell over an audience during a speech and who has a grasp of policy detail? Or will he be the guy who is less polished but has spent his life living Labour's values?
To connect with the disaffected voters who turned from Labour in their thousands do we need a great orator who can savage the government in the House, or do we need someone with a compelling life-story who provides a stark contrast to the money-trader who made millions on the financial markets?
Cunliffe's almost Obama-like style of oratory will have appealed to many in the audience today. There were even the hoots and cheers from his supporters that you would expect from a US Presidential campaign. Shearer, by contrast, was down-to-earth, and for some will have presented as an agreeable alternative to the hype and noise of Cunliffe and his supporters. Shearer exudes a genuine humility that some say will make him a potent force against the Flash Harry currently in charge of the country. Others, however, think someone with a bit more "mongrel" is needed to match John Key.
Well I don't get to vote, which is probably a good thing. I don't see how anyone can be totally convinced one way or the other about who is the best candidate. Each man is a gamble, because he has obvious strengths and weaknesses. Neither man is the complete package, but then who in a leadership role ever is?
A quick comment on the deputy leadership contest. I have not heard Nanaia Mahuta speak before, but she impressed. Grant Robertson was also a compelling speaker, and he is unquestionably a future star. I'm not sure if either is ready for the role yet, but in the case of Mahuta that's because I haven't seen enough of her.
Putting aside the question of who the right candidate is, what strikes me about the leadership contest is how the party has opened up and listened to criticism. At the meeting there wasn't too much blaming of the usual suspects (e.g. the media, public stupidity, others on the left, etc etc), and all of the leadership candidates seem to understand that the party has failed to explain to the public why they should give Labour their vote. It feels like any lingering complacency from the Clark years is disappearing.
Finally, a prediction. I don't have any inside knowledge, and I haven't heard any whispers from within the caucus. But while I can't personally choose between the two Davids, I suspect Shearer will win it by a couple of votes. Note: this is not a confident prediction, so don't hold it against me if the other David wins.
Poor Dears
David Farrar is upset:
But there's a reason why the people of Waitakere rejected a high-flying cabinet minister, and it wasn't because they thought she was too nice for politics.
To Bennett's credit, I haven't heard her whine about the result (update: I was wrong). It's only those folk who (ironically) trade in character assassination and negativity that are complaining that the guns have for once been turned on one of their own.
Labour wonder why they are known as the nasty party and their vote dropped. Look at Carmel Sepuloni’s response to winning Waitakere:
‘‘I don’t think Paula Bennett has been good for Waitakere,” she said.
”At the end of the day, the voters have spoken. And despite the fact it is close, it just goes to show that there are 11 more people that think she wasn’t [good].This reminds me of how Labour MP Kris Faafoi after his narrow victory in the Mana by-election, labeled Hekia Parata a two time loser. So classy.
Has Kate Wilkinson got up and said nasty things about Clayton Cosgrove whom she beat? Has Nicky Wagner put the boot into Brendon Burns? Did Nikki Kaye’s team put the boot into Jacinda Ardern when she conceded, or did they give her a round of applause?
The only thing worse than sore losers is ungracious winners. Perhaps Carmel could have said things about what an honour and privilege it is, and how she will work her hardest for all her constituents – rather than put the boot into her opponent.
I hope the new Labour leader can help engender a culture change within Labour.I'm sorry that David Farrar thinks it's ungracious of a successful candidate to slag her opponent. Even if what Sepuloni said was, in the scheme of things, quite mild.
But there's a reason why the people of Waitakere rejected a high-flying cabinet minister, and it wasn't because they thought she was too nice for politics.
To Bennett's credit, I haven't heard her whine about the result (update: I was wrong). It's only those folk who (ironically) trade in character assassination and negativity that are complaining that the guns have for once been turned on one of their own.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Phil and Carmel's Greatest Hits
David Farrar: (20 March 2010)
(Hat tip to Russell Brown (@publicaddress) for some of the links)
Sepuloni is probably the candidate with the best chance to take the fight to Paula Bennett. I don’t think she’ll beat Paula, but she’ll do better than a white middle aged guy would, to be blunt.Chris Trotter: (20 March 2010)
Twyford was proclaimed as one of the new high flyers. However if he loses tonight, it will shoot his credibility to shreds, considering it will be his third effective rejection in a row, having been scared off Mt Albert and Auckland Central. Some in Labour will not want to embarrass Twyford like that, even if they think Sepuloni has a better chance.
UNBELIEVABLE! The Labour Party has just offered the NZ electorate further proof (if any more was needed) of its accelerating political infirmity.And (in the comments to that post):
It has just selected Carmel Sepuloni as it Waitakere candidate.
In making this decision it has not only chosen wrongly, but it has also dealt what may prove to be a fatal blow to the career of one of its more talented MPs, Phil Twyford.
[Trotter then expounds on his dubious "Waitakere Man" theory]
Carmel Sepuloni’s going to win back those voters?
Yeah, right.The truly sad aspect of today’s selection is what it tells us about the paucity of talent in Labour’s ranks.
[Phil Twyford's] enemies in the EPMU, combined with his possession of a penis (and, increasingly rarely for a Labour MP - a pair of balls) have reduced his chances of securing a solid political base to something approaching zero.Tim Watkin: (March 24 2010)
Those same handicaps also put his position on the 2011 Labour List in doubt.
Clearly, being an intelligent and compassionate human-being, with an impeccable background in the voluntary/humanitarian sector, counts for far less in Labour circles than having a few union mates and a vagina.
I suspect quite a few working class New Zealanders look like Sepuloni. I don't know her; neither her scrappiness nor her campaigning ability. So I'm in no position to write her off before the next election.Cameron Slater (20 March 2010):
But Labour hardly looks focused in Auckland, or refreshed with new talent. Phil Twyford – the man who everyone likes but no-one wants – has been allowed to stand (or almost stand) and lose in three electoral seats now. Is that how you treat a man of his talent? It's appalling mismanagement. And to however many Aucklanders are paying attention, it looks shonky and undermines his efforts in the Super City debate, sending the message to Aucklanders that the man chosen to lead the party's attack on the Super City isn't worthy of a seat in it. Clumsy is the kind word for it.
The interesting thing about Repulsion Camel is no-one really knows who she is. In a meeting with some of the senior Pasefika community leaders in Auckland they were saying “we don’t know her. It isn’t a surprise that she isn’t known in the Pasefika community, which is largely Auckland based, because she was born and raised in Taranaki and from went into the union movment. She is about as Pasefika as I am because I was born in Fiji.Phil Twyford went on to win selection for the Te Atatu electorate, and he won the seat with a healthy majority. Carmel Sepuloni won Waitakere by 11 votes, although a judicial recount seems likely.
Someone (repeaters) should ask where she is from, what her Pasefika credentials really are, or is she just playing on the funny name and the brown skin. If she is she picked the wrong electorate to play the race card.
Back to the Pasefika community, basically if you raise a name with these folk that person will be someone’s cousin/aunty/uncle pretty much every time. Repulsion Camel isnt, and the community leaders just don’t get why Labour are promoting her because she has no standing in the Pasefika community.
“Luimachuwumbama” Winnie Laban & Su’a William “So-so” Sio do have standing, they are known, they have credentials and while the Pasefika community leaders don’t really rate “So-so” he has a chiefly title and has some respect. there is a reason Repulsion Camel doesn’t have a title, the face doesn’t fit, she is a carpet-bagger from Taranaki for Waitakere and a carpet-bagger trading on her brown skin in the Pasefika community.
If the Greens selected Robyn Malcolm then they may come second pushing Repulsion Camel to third place.
(Hat tip to Russell Brown (@publicaddress) for some of the links)
This Was My Year!
Does anyone else in the blogosphere agree I should have been New Zealander of the Year?
I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet or anything, but I have achieved a lot over the last 12 months.
Instead they gave the gong to a rugby player. I've nothing against Richie McCaw, but the way he kept the entire nation in a state of barely restrained near-panic over that foot of his ought to justify some sort of sanction. How dare you, sir! How very dare you! My poor heart has still not recovered.
I'll begrudgingly admit that winning the Rugby World Cup was important for the nation, particularly with the shitty year people have had.
But McCaw's had all the adulation he could ever want for that achievement. This was my year. My year!
I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet or anything, but I have achieved a lot over the last 12 months.
- I didn't kill anyone this year.
- I didn't cheat anyone out of their money.
- I didn't use ruthless violence to advance my nefarious and dubious schemes.
Instead they gave the gong to a rugby player. I've nothing against Richie McCaw, but the way he kept the entire nation in a state of barely restrained near-panic over that foot of his ought to justify some sort of sanction. How dare you, sir! How very dare you! My poor heart has still not recovered.
I'll begrudgingly admit that winning the Rugby World Cup was important for the nation, particularly with the shitty year people have had.
But McCaw's had all the adulation he could ever want for that achievement. This was my year. My year!
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