The decision by Judith Collins to sue Trevor Mallard, Andrew Little and Radio New Zealand for defamation must be leaving her National Party colleagues shaking their heads.
It is a highly risky move, because if Collins backs down or loses her case, it will potentially destroy her ministerial career.
The ACC scandal seems to be growing bigger and bigger. It's too early to say that the stink rising up from this mess will bring the government down, but it has the potential to do considerable harm to National.
It it also astounding that Collins would sue a media outlet over this matter. If she and her colleagues had any self-awareness, they would understand that since the "teapot tape" affair the media have turned against John Key's government. Regardless of Collins' real motives behind the lawsuit against Radio New Zealand, her actions are bound to be viewed as just another example of National trying to silence the media.
I'm not the defamation law guy (I'm sure Mr Price or Mr Edwards will be along soon), but it's not entirely clear to me that anything defamatory has been said by either Mallard or Little about Collins. On the other hand, given Collins' litigious frame of mind, I'm not inclined to repeat anything they said that could potentially be construed as defamatory.
Additionally, the defendants will have potential defences available to them. Moreover, Mallard and Little might use the absolute privilege afforded to legal proceedings as a means of throwing more muck at Collins.
And if Collins wins, what then? I'm not convinced she'll get an apology from Mallard or Little, and it's unclear whether she would get a substantial damages award over remarks that seem largely innocuous.
Even if Collins wins she may lose.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Elusive Lusk Has Troubling History
Mystery continues to surround a key figure in the ACC email leak scandal.
Political operative Simon Lusk has been linked by Opposition MPs to the leaking of information about ACC claimant Bronwyn Pullar.
Labour MP Trevor Mallard first raised Lusk's name in connection to the leaking of an email from Pullar to Judith Collins, but little is publicly known about the shadowy figure.
Reporters have sought to contact Mr Lusk to seek his comments on Mallard's accusations, but Lusk remains elusive. It is believed he may be in hiding in the Urewera National Park, after escaping from police custody in November.
Lusk had been initially arrested by police after being connected with the frenzied stabbing of a number of tourists in Queenstown and Wanaka. One of his victims, a Danish woman, subsequently died from her wounds.
Police have also confirmed that Lusk is being investigated for involvement with a major methamphetamine smuggling operation, and a series of shootings in Hokitika.
Lusk's escape from police custody has been the subject of much controversy, with some online commentators accusing police of aiding his escape.
Lusk has also been convicted in the past of various acts of cruelty to animals, including to ducks, geese, and a turtle.
He is also wanted by US authorities for questioning in relation to the terror attacks that destroyed the Twin Towers on 11 September 2001. Lusk is believed to have been in New York at the time of the attacks, having arrived from Yemen just a day earlier.
Lusk is a regular contributor to a number of extremist websites that have links to al-Qaeda. When questioned by a Radio New Zealand journalist in May about his involvement with extremist groups, Lusk confirmed that he wanted "a global jihad to cleanse the world of America and all its polluting filth", but denied he was inciting anyone to commit acts of violence.
"I am a man of peace," he claimed. "A peace obtained by ruthlessly obliterating the perverted influences of Western culture by any means necessary."
A former neighbour of Lusk, who refused to be identified, said Lusk terrorised the neighbourhood for months, before finally moving to another part of town.
"He had a thing about little old ladies" said the man. "If he saw one he would fly into a rage, tear her zimmer-frame or walking stick off her, and use it to beat the woman senseless.
"I saw him murder a lot of old women on our street."
The man said Lusk went untroubled by the authorities because of his political connections.
"I called the cops on him once, and he was still laying into the old dear with her cane as their cars arrived. He pulled out his National Party membership card and showed it to the cops, and they just got back in their cars and told him to keep up the good work.
"I had to act to save the woman. Unfortunately I'd only just started to watch the Doctor Who DVD box I'd got from the video library that morning, so by the time I'd finished she was beyond help."
Another former acquaintance said Lusk conducted strange rituals in the basement of his house.
"I came to his house once and found the door wide open, so I went inside and called his name. Eventually I found him in the basement with a bunch of other guys in dark robes and wielding knives, circling what looked like some sort of altar.
"It was quite dark and the room was only dimly lit, and I can't be sure what I saw, but it looked like a naked young woman was lying still on the altar-stone.
"I got the hell out of there and never went back."
Police have released a description of Mr Lusk and are warning people not to approach him. He is described as short, green, scaly, and with small beady eyes.
Political operative Simon Lusk has been linked by Opposition MPs to the leaking of information about ACC claimant Bronwyn Pullar.
Labour MP Trevor Mallard first raised Lusk's name in connection to the leaking of an email from Pullar to Judith Collins, but little is publicly known about the shadowy figure.
Reporters have sought to contact Mr Lusk to seek his comments on Mallard's accusations, but Lusk remains elusive. It is believed he may be in hiding in the Urewera National Park, after escaping from police custody in November.
Lusk had been initially arrested by police after being connected with the frenzied stabbing of a number of tourists in Queenstown and Wanaka. One of his victims, a Danish woman, subsequently died from her wounds.
Police have also confirmed that Lusk is being investigated for involvement with a major methamphetamine smuggling operation, and a series of shootings in Hokitika.
Lusk's escape from police custody has been the subject of much controversy, with some online commentators accusing police of aiding his escape.
Lusk has also been convicted in the past of various acts of cruelty to animals, including to ducks, geese, and a turtle.
He is also wanted by US authorities for questioning in relation to the terror attacks that destroyed the Twin Towers on 11 September 2001. Lusk is believed to have been in New York at the time of the attacks, having arrived from Yemen just a day earlier.
Lusk is a regular contributor to a number of extremist websites that have links to al-Qaeda. When questioned by a Radio New Zealand journalist in May about his involvement with extremist groups, Lusk confirmed that he wanted "a global jihad to cleanse the world of America and all its polluting filth", but denied he was inciting anyone to commit acts of violence.
"I am a man of peace," he claimed. "A peace obtained by ruthlessly obliterating the perverted influences of Western culture by any means necessary."
A former neighbour of Lusk, who refused to be identified, said Lusk terrorised the neighbourhood for months, before finally moving to another part of town.
"He had a thing about little old ladies" said the man. "If he saw one he would fly into a rage, tear her zimmer-frame or walking stick off her, and use it to beat the woman senseless.
"I saw him murder a lot of old women on our street."
The man said Lusk went untroubled by the authorities because of his political connections.
"I called the cops on him once, and he was still laying into the old dear with her cane as their cars arrived. He pulled out his National Party membership card and showed it to the cops, and they just got back in their cars and told him to keep up the good work.
"I had to act to save the woman. Unfortunately I'd only just started to watch the Doctor Who DVD box I'd got from the video library that morning, so by the time I'd finished she was beyond help."
Another former acquaintance said Lusk conducted strange rituals in the basement of his house.
"I came to his house once and found the door wide open, so I went inside and called his name. Eventually I found him in the basement with a bunch of other guys in dark robes and wielding knives, circling what looked like some sort of altar.
"It was quite dark and the room was only dimly lit, and I can't be sure what I saw, but it looked like a naked young woman was lying still on the altar-stone.
"I got the hell out of there and never went back."
Police have released a description of Mr Lusk and are warning people not to approach him. He is described as short, green, scaly, and with small beady eyes.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Cairns Case Reinforces The Obvious
The reaction in the news media to the notion that someone can be sued for defamation over what they tweet is intriguing. It almost seems as if people are surprised by the Cairns libel case judgment.
The trial was a fascinating one to follow, not least because it involved two famous cricket people and allegations of corruption. However, the fact that the libellous statement occurred via Twitter did not appear to cause the court any particular difficulties. It should be clear to anyone with even a passing acquaintance with defamation laws that what you tweet can be just as damaging as what you put on Facebook or post on a blog.
I can only think that the Cairns case has a novelty value to it because it is one of the first libel cases involving Twitter, and of course because it involves a famous New Zealand sportsman. But the case seemed to turn on whose witnesses were more reliable, rather than on any particular interpretation of the law regarding social media.
The Cairns case reinforces the fact that England is a great place to go if you want to sue for libel, provided you have the cash. Does it suddenly expose intemperate social media users to legal risks that never before existed? Not so much.
The trial was a fascinating one to follow, not least because it involved two famous cricket people and allegations of corruption. However, the fact that the libellous statement occurred via Twitter did not appear to cause the court any particular difficulties. It should be clear to anyone with even a passing acquaintance with defamation laws that what you tweet can be just as damaging as what you put on Facebook or post on a blog.
I can only think that the Cairns case has a novelty value to it because it is one of the first libel cases involving Twitter, and of course because it involves a famous New Zealand sportsman. But the case seemed to turn on whose witnesses were more reliable, rather than on any particular interpretation of the law regarding social media.
The Cairns case reinforces the fact that England is a great place to go if you want to sue for libel, provided you have the cash. Does it suddenly expose intemperate social media users to legal risks that never before existed? Not so much.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Police To Investigate Taping During Press Conference
Police have launched an investigation into alleged covert journalist recordings, following an incident at a press conference yesterday.
They confirmed late last night that a complaint had been received alleging covert taping by members of the press.
The complainant, Police Assistant Commissioner Malcolm Burgess, has alleged he was taped while speaking at a press conference yesterday.
Mr Burgess told reporters yesterday that he had been speaking to journalists, explaining why police had decided not to charge a man for taping a conversation between the Prime Minister and Act candidate John Banks, when he noticed a number of recording devices on the table in front of him.
“At first I thought nothing of it, thinking only that some of the journalists had left their gear on the table.
“It was only when I heard myself on the radio on the way back to my office that I realised what had transpired. To say I was disturbed would be an understatement. I feel violated.”
Police confirm they will investigate the complaint, and say they have already deployed resources from a number of homicide investigations to deal with the complaint.
This morning Assistant Commissioner Malcolm Burgess told a press conference that police were taking the complaint very seriously, and he warned the media not to release any further details of what Mr Burgess said.
However, a number of websites are continuing to display details of Mr Burgess’ discussions yesterday with journalists. These include the New Zealand Herald and Stuff websites.
Media lawyers say the actions of police will have a chilling effect on the media. However, they say they will no longer be commenting on this matter, after being arrested by police this morning.
Update: Police have launched an investigation into alleged covert journalist recordings, following an incident at a press conference this morning.
They confirmed this morning that a complaint had been received alleging covert taping by members of the press.
The complainant, Police Assistant Commissioner Malcolm Burgess, has alleged he was taped while speaking at a press conference this morning.
Mr Burgess told reporters today that he had been speaking to journalists, informing them that police had opened an investigation into alleged covert recording at a press conference, when he noticed a number of recording devices on the table in front of him.
“At first I thought nothing of it, thinking only that some of the journalists had left their gear on the table.
“It was only when I heard myself on the radio on the way back to my office that I realised what had transpired. To say I was disturbed would be an understatement. I feel totally violated.”
Police confirm they will investigate the complaint, and say they have already deployed resources from a number of investigations of peace activists, in order to deal with the complaint.
No media lawyers were available for comment.
They confirmed late last night that a complaint had been received alleging covert taping by members of the press.
The complainant, Police Assistant Commissioner Malcolm Burgess, has alleged he was taped while speaking at a press conference yesterday.
Mr Burgess told reporters yesterday that he had been speaking to journalists, explaining why police had decided not to charge a man for taping a conversation between the Prime Minister and Act candidate John Banks, when he noticed a number of recording devices on the table in front of him.
“At first I thought nothing of it, thinking only that some of the journalists had left their gear on the table.
“It was only when I heard myself on the radio on the way back to my office that I realised what had transpired. To say I was disturbed would be an understatement. I feel violated.”
Police confirm they will investigate the complaint, and say they have already deployed resources from a number of homicide investigations to deal with the complaint.
This morning Assistant Commissioner Malcolm Burgess told a press conference that police were taking the complaint very seriously, and he warned the media not to release any further details of what Mr Burgess said.
However, a number of websites are continuing to display details of Mr Burgess’ discussions yesterday with journalists. These include the New Zealand Herald and Stuff websites.
Media lawyers say the actions of police will have a chilling effect on the media. However, they say they will no longer be commenting on this matter, after being arrested by police this morning.
Update: Police have launched an investigation into alleged covert journalist recordings, following an incident at a press conference this morning.
They confirmed this morning that a complaint had been received alleging covert taping by members of the press.
The complainant, Police Assistant Commissioner Malcolm Burgess, has alleged he was taped while speaking at a press conference this morning.
Mr Burgess told reporters today that he had been speaking to journalists, informing them that police had opened an investigation into alleged covert recording at a press conference, when he noticed a number of recording devices on the table in front of him.
“At first I thought nothing of it, thinking only that some of the journalists had left their gear on the table.
“It was only when I heard myself on the radio on the way back to my office that I realised what had transpired. To say I was disturbed would be an understatement. I feel totally violated.”
Police confirm they will investigate the complaint, and say they have already deployed resources from a number of investigations of peace activists, in order to deal with the complaint.
No media lawyers were available for comment.
Monday, March 26, 2012
A Plan For Shearer And Labour
The media is awash with articles and commentary on what Labour leader David Shearer should do next. Other bloggers and commentators have been quick to express their views on how the Labour leader needs to behave, and which direction he needs to take the party in.
Commentators seem obsessed with the notion that Shearer must anchor Labour to a particular point on the political spectrum. But why is this? Surely a smarter approach would be to transform Labour into a party that represents almost everyone: left, right and centre.
You probably think that's a crazy idea, and that it can't be done. Well you're wrong, which is why I'm an award-winning blogger* and you're not.
The key to winning the hearts and minds of voters is to put on a good show: to inspire, awe and entertain. If people's minds are taken off their troubles on a regular basis, there's a good chance they'll forget all about policy and just vote for the people who make them feel good.
My plan is to take a lesson from the ancient Romans. In every major Roman town you would find a circus or stadium. One can still imagine the roar of the Colosseum crowds in those ancient times, as gladiators battled to the death or as Christians or criminals were town apart by lions and other wild beasts. The punters loved it.
It will start by Labour putting on blood-sports events during the next election campaign, to get the party the publicity and media attention it needs, and to get people flocking to its rallies. After the inevitable crushing victory Labour will move to build stadiums all across the country. It will probably mean changing the law to create a vast army of slave-labourers overnight, but with a solid majority in the House that shouldn't pose too many problems.
Even with all that free labour, it will cost a lot of money to build the required infrastructure, but we can always borrow borrow borrow! Let's not worry about tomorrow: credit ratings, sovereign debt and economic ruin are for accountants and economists to fret over**. The show must go on!
Of course, there can't be a circus without bread, as the Roman emperors understood all too well. All this slaughter may be terrific stuff, but the other thing needed to keep the urban poor from rioting is food. As did the Romans, the Labour government will need to implement a grain dole. This is genuine welfare at work, which will appeal to the socialist left, many of whom abandoned Labour in recent years.
The ripping apart of criminals in the ring will also satisfy many on the right who insist on tougher punishments for criminals. And right-wingers who bemoan the decline in morality and decency in our society could hardly fault a system that allows anyone who goes against the prevailing moral codes of the day to be torn to pieces before a baying crowd. Libertarians may be harder to please, but they'll eventually just enjoy the show when we explain to them that the people being killed chose to be helpless and unarmed on a stadium floor filled with hungry lions, and that it would be an assault on their basic human freedoms to deny them the opportunity to be butchered.
As for the solid core of voters that we call the centre, have no fear! Those chumps can't make up their minds what they stand for. So long as Labour entertains them with some bloodsports and a good laugh their support is guaranteed.
The work must start now if Labour's to win in 2014. Thankfully, there's little policy work required, and the party won't need much of a re-brand. It's clear to me that Labour's founders had blood-sports in mind when they chose red as the party's colours.
So that's my plan. And how can this plan fail? I can't see a single flaw.
* Disclaimer: I have won no awards.
** Luckily we won't need to worry much about those squares in the future. When the supply of criminals starts to dwindle we'll send a raiding party into the offices of Treasury and PWC.
Commentators seem obsessed with the notion that Shearer must anchor Labour to a particular point on the political spectrum. But why is this? Surely a smarter approach would be to transform Labour into a party that represents almost everyone: left, right and centre.
You probably think that's a crazy idea, and that it can't be done. Well you're wrong, which is why I'm an award-winning blogger* and you're not.
The key to winning the hearts and minds of voters is to put on a good show: to inspire, awe and entertain. If people's minds are taken off their troubles on a regular basis, there's a good chance they'll forget all about policy and just vote for the people who make them feel good.
My plan is to take a lesson from the ancient Romans. In every major Roman town you would find a circus or stadium. One can still imagine the roar of the Colosseum crowds in those ancient times, as gladiators battled to the death or as Christians or criminals were town apart by lions and other wild beasts. The punters loved it.
It will start by Labour putting on blood-sports events during the next election campaign, to get the party the publicity and media attention it needs, and to get people flocking to its rallies. After the inevitable crushing victory Labour will move to build stadiums all across the country. It will probably mean changing the law to create a vast army of slave-labourers overnight, but with a solid majority in the House that shouldn't pose too many problems.
Even with all that free labour, it will cost a lot of money to build the required infrastructure, but we can always borrow borrow borrow! Let's not worry about tomorrow: credit ratings, sovereign debt and economic ruin are for accountants and economists to fret over**. The show must go on!
Of course, there can't be a circus without bread, as the Roman emperors understood all too well. All this slaughter may be terrific stuff, but the other thing needed to keep the urban poor from rioting is food. As did the Romans, the Labour government will need to implement a grain dole. This is genuine welfare at work, which will appeal to the socialist left, many of whom abandoned Labour in recent years.
The ripping apart of criminals in the ring will also satisfy many on the right who insist on tougher punishments for criminals. And right-wingers who bemoan the decline in morality and decency in our society could hardly fault a system that allows anyone who goes against the prevailing moral codes of the day to be torn to pieces before a baying crowd. Libertarians may be harder to please, but they'll eventually just enjoy the show when we explain to them that the people being killed chose to be helpless and unarmed on a stadium floor filled with hungry lions, and that it would be an assault on their basic human freedoms to deny them the opportunity to be butchered.
As for the solid core of voters that we call the centre, have no fear! Those chumps can't make up their minds what they stand for. So long as Labour entertains them with some bloodsports and a good laugh their support is guaranteed.
The work must start now if Labour's to win in 2014. Thankfully, there's little policy work required, and the party won't need much of a re-brand. It's clear to me that Labour's founders had blood-sports in mind when they chose red as the party's colours.
So that's my plan. And how can this plan fail? I can't see a single flaw.
* Disclaimer: I have won no awards.
** Luckily we won't need to worry much about those squares in the future. When the supply of criminals starts to dwindle we'll send a raiding party into the offices of Treasury and PWC.
Friday, March 23, 2012
The Roman Discovery Of New Zealand
There’s an article in the news today claiming that the ancient Greeks and Egyptians came to New Zealand.
It is garbage, of course. The idea that these ancient peoples could have made it so far on their flimsy boats is preposterous. There is no evidence that they ever landed in New Zealand.
The Romans, on the other hand...
Okay, here is a disclosure. I have no hard evidence that the Romans were here before the Polynesians. In fact I have no hard evidence, soft evidence, slightly squishy evidence, or evidence that you thought was hard but melted into a puddle because you left it in the sun.
So no evidence then. But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. I have as much right as anyone else to my pet theory, and by God I’ll exercise it!
In the absence of actual evidence to support my Roman theory, I’m going to try a different approach. Just go with it, will you? Close your eyes. How do you feel? Relaxed? Good, just stay relaxed then. Let yourself drift away. Close your eyes. You’re feeling very sleepy now. Very sleepy. Now very slowly open your eyes. Do you see the words on the computer screen in front of you?
Okay, when I count to three I want you to wake up. One... two...three...
So you see, the Romans did get here first.
It is garbage, of course. The idea that these ancient peoples could have made it so far on their flimsy boats is preposterous. There is no evidence that they ever landed in New Zealand.
The Romans, on the other hand...
Okay, here is a disclosure. I have no hard evidence that the Romans were here before the Polynesians. In fact I have no hard evidence, soft evidence, slightly squishy evidence, or evidence that you thought was hard but melted into a puddle because you left it in the sun.
So no evidence then. But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. I have as much right as anyone else to my pet theory, and by God I’ll exercise it!
In the absence of actual evidence to support my Roman theory, I’m going to try a different approach. Just go with it, will you? Close your eyes. How do you feel? Relaxed? Good, just stay relaxed then. Let yourself drift away. Close your eyes. You’re feeling very sleepy now. Very sleepy. Now very slowly open your eyes. Do you see the words on the computer screen in front of you?
BUY MY BOOK BUY MY BOOK BUY MY BOOK BUY MY BOOK BUY MY BOOK
Okay, when I count to three I want you to wake up. One... two...three...
So you see, the Romans did get here first.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The ACC Scandal: Live Updates
The demise of Nick Smith has been spectacular, but it is not an end to the ACC privacy story, and the story continues to develop by the hour.
I will keep a live update here as developments come in. Stay tuned.
7:08am: An emergency meeting of political journalists will be held at 8:00am this morning to decide on a "gate" name for the scandal.
7:52am: Winston Peters tells Morning Report's Simon Mercep that he is in receipt of information about the involvement of senior National people in the ACC scandal, that will "sink this stinking corrupt government for good". Peters refuses to expand on what what he has, other than to say "follow the marmite."
8:07am: Speculation continues to mount about whose family Dr Smith plans to spend more time with, now he has stepped down as a cabinet minister.
9:05am: A row has broken out between journalists. One group wants to use "Pullargate", while another has selected "ACCgate". A third group says both suggestions are lame and continues to brainstorm. Emergency coffee is called in.
9:09am: Tributes continue to pour in for Dr Nick Smith.
"Dr Smith may have deliberately manufactured a financial crisis within ACC to justify savage cuts, leaving thousands of chronically ill people without adequate medical cover, and inflicting misery and suffering upon numerous families, and all but destroying an institution that for decades has been there to help people in need, but, hey, nobody's perfect" (Graeme Burton, prisoner)
"Who's that? Dr Smith? No, no, my doctor's an Indian chappie. Mr Singh's his name. What? Speak up, dear, I can't hear you. My MP? No, Dr Singh's not a politician, dear. I never heard of such a thing! He has his offices on Hardy Street, just down from the chemist. If you want his phone number I probably have it here somewhere... what? What's that? Nick Smith? No, no, he's not my doctor. It's Dr Singh. I can spell it out for you if you like. Nick Smith's an MP, not a GP, for goodness sakes! My my, you have got the wrong end of the stick, if you don't mind me saying so. Cheerio!" (Agnes Bentley, retired, Nelson)
"Woof woof woof!" (someone's dog)
10:01am: Labour leader David Shearer issues a statement to the media demanding the resignation of Nick Smith from his ministerial positions.
10:09am: TV3 Political Editor Duncan Garner violently ejected from journalists' meeting after suggesting using "-gate" to describe the growing scandal was dated and unoriginal. More coffee called in, together with emergency supply of cigarettes.
11:19am: John Key says the privacy aspect of the ACC saga has been overblown. "Privacy is only an issue when politicians talk to each other in a cafe in front of the media," he tells reporters.
11:35am: Former cabinet minister spotted limping into the Nelson ACC office. Speculation that he is submitting paperwork for self-inflicted gunshot wounds to feet.
2:18pm: With the departure from Cabinet of the only person in National who seems to believe in climate change, global warming has been officially cancelled. Environmentalists all around the country burn tyre mountains to celebrate the ending of the dire threat to our planet.
3:02pm: Having exhausted all options involving the use of “Doctor” and “House”, headline pun experts are now reportedly begging Nick Smith to fly to Washington.
I will keep a live update here as developments come in. Stay tuned.
7:08am: An emergency meeting of political journalists will be held at 8:00am this morning to decide on a "gate" name for the scandal.
7:52am: Winston Peters tells Morning Report's Simon Mercep that he is in receipt of information about the involvement of senior National people in the ACC scandal, that will "sink this stinking corrupt government for good". Peters refuses to expand on what what he has, other than to say "follow the marmite."
8:07am: Speculation continues to mount about whose family Dr Smith plans to spend more time with, now he has stepped down as a cabinet minister.
9:05am: A row has broken out between journalists. One group wants to use "Pullargate", while another has selected "ACCgate". A third group says both suggestions are lame and continues to brainstorm. Emergency coffee is called in.
9:09am: Tributes continue to pour in for Dr Nick Smith.
"Dr Smith may have deliberately manufactured a financial crisis within ACC to justify savage cuts, leaving thousands of chronically ill people without adequate medical cover, and inflicting misery and suffering upon numerous families, and all but destroying an institution that for decades has been there to help people in need, but, hey, nobody's perfect" (Graeme Burton, prisoner)
"Who's that? Dr Smith? No, no, my doctor's an Indian chappie. Mr Singh's his name. What? Speak up, dear, I can't hear you. My MP? No, Dr Singh's not a politician, dear. I never heard of such a thing! He has his offices on Hardy Street, just down from the chemist. If you want his phone number I probably have it here somewhere... what? What's that? Nick Smith? No, no, he's not my doctor. It's Dr Singh. I can spell it out for you if you like. Nick Smith's an MP, not a GP, for goodness sakes! My my, you have got the wrong end of the stick, if you don't mind me saying so. Cheerio!" (Agnes Bentley, retired, Nelson)
"Woof woof woof!" (someone's dog)
10:01am: Labour leader David Shearer issues a statement to the media demanding the resignation of Nick Smith from his ministerial positions.
10:09am: TV3 Political Editor Duncan Garner violently ejected from journalists' meeting after suggesting using "-gate" to describe the growing scandal was dated and unoriginal. More coffee called in, together with emergency supply of cigarettes.
11:19am: John Key says the privacy aspect of the ACC saga has been overblown. "Privacy is only an issue when politicians talk to each other in a cafe in front of the media," he tells reporters.
11:35am: Former cabinet minister spotted limping into the Nelson ACC office. Speculation that he is submitting paperwork for self-inflicted gunshot wounds to feet.
2:18pm: With the departure from Cabinet of the only person in National who seems to believe in climate change, global warming has been officially cancelled. Environmentalists all around the country burn tyre mountains to celebrate the ending of the dire threat to our planet.
3:02pm: Having exhausted all options involving the use of “Doctor” and “House”, headline pun experts are now reportedly begging Nick Smith to fly to Washington.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Nick Smith Must Go
So a woman has problems with ACC, and just happens to be a personal friend of the ACC Minister at the time. The said ACC Minister writes a letter to ACC in support of the woman.
The said ACC Minister then denies any conflict of interest.
It's all here.
Could a minister of the Crown really be stupid enough to write such a letter? To put something like this in writing?
Apparently so. What's more staggering is that Nick Smith is now denying any conflict of interest.
This is the sort of conduct National would have been demanding heads over had it occurred during Helen Clark's time in charge. The word "corruption" loses its meaning when used to describe any sort of misconduct by those holding office, but I'm sure that word would be in liberal use among National's MPs and pet bloggers had a Labour minister engaged in such conduct.
Whatever label we want to use, it cannot be disputed that Dr Smith has acted in a highly inappropriate manner. If he has any remaining credibility he will resign.
So will he resign? I think you already know the answer to that question.
Update: He did - eventually!
The said ACC Minister then denies any conflict of interest.
It's all here.
Could a minister of the Crown really be stupid enough to write such a letter? To put something like this in writing?
Apparently so. What's more staggering is that Nick Smith is now denying any conflict of interest.
This is the sort of conduct National would have been demanding heads over had it occurred during Helen Clark's time in charge. The word "corruption" loses its meaning when used to describe any sort of misconduct by those holding office, but I'm sure that word would be in liberal use among National's MPs and pet bloggers had a Labour minister engaged in such conduct.
Whatever label we want to use, it cannot be disputed that Dr Smith has acted in a highly inappropriate manner. If he has any remaining credibility he will resign.
So will he resign? I think you already know the answer to that question.
Update: He did - eventually!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Shearer's Move To The Far Right
A number of commentators have suggested that Labour leader David Shearer’s speech last week is evidence of a move by Labour to the right. At first I was not convinced with any of the arguments, and I dismissed them as baseless speculation. It seemed to me that what few policy hints Shearer gave out rooted Labour firmly to the centre, a place where the party has been for a couple of decades.
So when Brian Edwards announced his disgust with Labour’s positioning, it seemed to me he was about 30 years too late.
But then I took another look at Shearer’s speech, analysing carefully his choice of words. I have to say that what I discovered in those words has left me profoundly disturbed.
My concerns were first raised when Shearer mentioned in his speech the sword Excalibur. That he mentioned the famous blade in a political speech evidences an admiration for the Arthurian legend.
But how many people are aware that the Nazis were also fascinated with the legend of the Round Table? The quest by Arthur’s knights for the Holy Grail inspired Hitler and many other senior Nazi figures.
The Labour leader also mentioned Finland in his speech. The very same Scandinavian country that during World War Two was allied to the Nazis!
Shearer talked of a job-rich economy, and spoke of having big plans. As a student of history he will be aware that Hitler’s war economy eliminated unemployment, and the German leader certainly had big plans.
Shearer also said in his speech that the nation required vision and boldness. These are things Hitler spoke of many times. Hitler’s own vision involved transforming Europe into a vast Germanic settlement, while other ethnicities were to serve as slave labour or be exterminated.
If you still don’t think Shearer is planning genocide, then what was he doing in Rwanda in the 1990s? Delivering aid? Sure, sure....
Shearer’s language is replete with martial terminology. He talks of “biting the bullet” and “magic bullets”. If his intentions are peaceful and not terrifying, why the need to keep mentioning bullets? Could it be because he can’t help himself? I expect that even as he was delivering his speech he was imagining a day not so far into the future when his brownshirted goons would break up political events such as the one he was at, spraying bullets into the room and leaving the venue choked with bodies.
With all of this in mind Shearer’s goal of building a high-tech economy makes perfect sense. If he wants to be the leader of a fascist state, he will need the best weapons and machinery. If we are to conquer our neighbours in the South Pacific we will need the best military technologies available. There’s a risk that international outrage over Shearer’s plans will lead to sanctions, and Shearer has figured out that his monstrous plans rely on a self-sufficient military economy.
Shearer bemoaned in his speech the fact that we are turning out an army of accountants, clearly because what he really wants is an army of highly-driven super-soldiers. Hence the need to pour resources into educating the young, immersing them from an early age in his ideology of hate.
Shearer finished his speech with an ominous threat. He stated boldly that his fascist superstate would be a good place for lambs. What he meant is that those who are compliant and obedient and who follow the crowd would be safe from his murder squads, while those who opposed him would be killed.
I don’t know about you, but to me this is a fundamental betrayal of everything Labour stands for. As a Labour member I like the idea of wearing a smart uniform and a gun, bullying my way to the front of queues, and generally behaving in a tyrannical fashion towards my colleagues. But I’m not sure that engaging in mass slaughter will lift the nation’s economy. It seems to me that other nations might decide to choke our economy to death or even bomb us.
So I will not be voting for this David Shearer. Like so many others I am going Green, but only on the condition that they work on getting some sharp looking uniforms for their party members. And let me be clear that hemp won’t do.
So when Brian Edwards announced his disgust with Labour’s positioning, it seemed to me he was about 30 years too late.
But then I took another look at Shearer’s speech, analysing carefully his choice of words. I have to say that what I discovered in those words has left me profoundly disturbed.
My concerns were first raised when Shearer mentioned in his speech the sword Excalibur. That he mentioned the famous blade in a political speech evidences an admiration for the Arthurian legend.
But how many people are aware that the Nazis were also fascinated with the legend of the Round Table? The quest by Arthur’s knights for the Holy Grail inspired Hitler and many other senior Nazi figures.
The Labour leader also mentioned Finland in his speech. The very same Scandinavian country that during World War Two was allied to the Nazis!
Shearer talked of a job-rich economy, and spoke of having big plans. As a student of history he will be aware that Hitler’s war economy eliminated unemployment, and the German leader certainly had big plans.
Shearer also said in his speech that the nation required vision and boldness. These are things Hitler spoke of many times. Hitler’s own vision involved transforming Europe into a vast Germanic settlement, while other ethnicities were to serve as slave labour or be exterminated.
If you still don’t think Shearer is planning genocide, then what was he doing in Rwanda in the 1990s? Delivering aid? Sure, sure....
Shearer’s language is replete with martial terminology. He talks of “biting the bullet” and “magic bullets”. If his intentions are peaceful and not terrifying, why the need to keep mentioning bullets? Could it be because he can’t help himself? I expect that even as he was delivering his speech he was imagining a day not so far into the future when his brownshirted goons would break up political events such as the one he was at, spraying bullets into the room and leaving the venue choked with bodies.
With all of this in mind Shearer’s goal of building a high-tech economy makes perfect sense. If he wants to be the leader of a fascist state, he will need the best weapons and machinery. If we are to conquer our neighbours in the South Pacific we will need the best military technologies available. There’s a risk that international outrage over Shearer’s plans will lead to sanctions, and Shearer has figured out that his monstrous plans rely on a self-sufficient military economy.
Shearer bemoaned in his speech the fact that we are turning out an army of accountants, clearly because what he really wants is an army of highly-driven super-soldiers. Hence the need to pour resources into educating the young, immersing them from an early age in his ideology of hate.
Shearer finished his speech with an ominous threat. He stated boldly that his fascist superstate would be a good place for lambs. What he meant is that those who are compliant and obedient and who follow the crowd would be safe from his murder squads, while those who opposed him would be killed.
I don’t know about you, but to me this is a fundamental betrayal of everything Labour stands for. As a Labour member I like the idea of wearing a smart uniform and a gun, bullying my way to the front of queues, and generally behaving in a tyrannical fashion towards my colleagues. But I’m not sure that engaging in mass slaughter will lift the nation’s economy. It seems to me that other nations might decide to choke our economy to death or even bomb us.
So I will not be voting for this David Shearer. Like so many others I am going Green, but only on the condition that they work on getting some sharp looking uniforms for their party members. And let me be clear that hemp won’t do.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
General Debate: 17 March
I bet all you fake Irishmen think 17 March is only about drinking sludge and wearing those stupid Guinness top-hats. God I hate you all. Have a party, by all means, but wear togas instead. Because 17 March is the anniversary of one of Julius Caesar's greatest battles (45 BC), the Battle of Munda, in which Caesar crushed his republican enemies (or so he thought). He didn't get to enjoy his victory for long, and was murdered the following year. By his republican enemies.
Which of his many victories was his greatest?
Shuffling The Deck
John Key's plan to transform the economy by reorganising a few government departments into one super-bureaucracy leaves me imagining a street magician offering card tricks to a gathering crowd of onlookers.
"Watch as I dazzle you with my amazing tricks!" he says, shuffling the deck.
Two hours later he's still shuffling the cards, the crowds have given up and gone home, and night has fallen.
"Watch as I dazzle you with my amazing tricks!" he says, shuffling the deck.
Two hours later he's still shuffling the cards, the crowds have given up and gone home, and night has fallen.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Shearer’s Big Speech
I didn’t see the delivery, but from the transcript Shearer’s speech looks like it was a pretty good one, at least content-wise.
Shearer has set out a vision for where New Zealand needs to be heading. It’s a bold vision, but it’s something we haven’t had from the current government.
What I really liked about the speech was that Shearer has put at the top of his agenda growing our innovation sector and transforming from an economy where our main exports are primary products.
Shearer didn’t talk much about specific policies, which is sensible. But he did signal that a capital gains tax in some form would remain on the table, while the $5000 tax-free policy might go altogether.
The right will attack the speech for lacking detail, but it would be foolish this early in the electoral cycle for Shearer to set out too many specifics. It was more important to signal the broad direction Labour wants to go in.
The right will also point out that all this talk of economic transformation is just rehashing stuff talked about for decades. I thought Shearer dealt with this well in his speech, but I expect some ridicule from the usual suspects on this point.
Some activists from the far left also won’t like the speech, because Shearer’s main focus was on economic growth and education rather than workers’ rights and welfare. The word “education” is mentioned thirteen times, while “welfare” gets only two mentions, and “worker” and “union” are not mentioned at all.
The most powerful aspect of Shearer’s speech was that it didn’t mention John Key or National once. Labour is presenting itself as a party of fresh ideas, rather than one that just opposes the government. Opposing the government on major policies is still important, but to regain those voters it lost in 2011 Labour must present a fresh vision. Shearer’s speech does that.
Shearer has set out a vision for where New Zealand needs to be heading. It’s a bold vision, but it’s something we haven’t had from the current government.
What I really liked about the speech was that Shearer has put at the top of his agenda growing our innovation sector and transforming from an economy where our main exports are primary products.
Shearer didn’t talk much about specific policies, which is sensible. But he did signal that a capital gains tax in some form would remain on the table, while the $5000 tax-free policy might go altogether.
The right will attack the speech for lacking detail, but it would be foolish this early in the electoral cycle for Shearer to set out too many specifics. It was more important to signal the broad direction Labour wants to go in.
The right will also point out that all this talk of economic transformation is just rehashing stuff talked about for decades. I thought Shearer dealt with this well in his speech, but I expect some ridicule from the usual suspects on this point.
Some activists from the far left also won’t like the speech, because Shearer’s main focus was on economic growth and education rather than workers’ rights and welfare. The word “education” is mentioned thirteen times, while “welfare” gets only two mentions, and “worker” and “union” are not mentioned at all.
The most powerful aspect of Shearer’s speech was that it didn’t mention John Key or National once. Labour is presenting itself as a party of fresh ideas, rather than one that just opposes the government. Opposing the government on major policies is still important, but to regain those voters it lost in 2011 Labour must present a fresh vision. Shearer’s speech does that.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
New Zealand's Next Top Mandela
Comparisons to Nelson Mandela seem to be the rage this week. In the last couple of days the African statesman has found himself being compared with Tame Iti and the late Jock Hobbs.
I am picking that this trend towards Mandela-isation will continue. Who wouldn't want to be likened to the great man?
So who are my picks for New Zealand’s Next Top Mandela? I have set out below who I think may be in the running, and my reasons for and against.
John Key
For:
Most public appearances of the increasingly-frail Mandela in recent years have involved little more than smiling and waving. Sound familiar?
Against:
Apparently untroubled by the struggles of others for justice and against oppression. Can't even recall how he felt about the 1981 Springbok tour.
Clayton Weatherston
For:
Like Mandela, he was incarcerated for a lengthy period for pursuing armed struggle.
Against:
Weatherston’s armed struggle was against his partner, who was unarmed.
They probably won't hold rock concerts in support of Weatherston's release.
Paul Holmes
For:
A freedom fighter, like Mandela, even if Holmes’ struggle is for the right to say whatever grotesquely offensive thing he likes about people less privileged than himself.
Against:
Probably wouldn't be comfortable as leader of a black African liberation movement, on account of his being a bit racist.
David Garrett
For:
A lawyer in trouble with the law.
Actually, that’s all I have.
Against:
Mandela was jailed for following his convictions. Garrett was discharged without any convictions.
Mandela's supporters sought freedom for their man, while Garrett's law and order supporters have sought prison for just about anyone and anything that moves.
People tend to like Nelson Mandela.
Nelson Mandela never comments on Kiwiblog.
So now it's your turn. Who is your pick and why?
I am picking that this trend towards Mandela-isation will continue. Who wouldn't want to be likened to the great man?
So who are my picks for New Zealand’s Next Top Mandela? I have set out below who I think may be in the running, and my reasons for and against.
John Key
For:
Most public appearances of the increasingly-frail Mandela in recent years have involved little more than smiling and waving. Sound familiar?
Against:
Apparently untroubled by the struggles of others for justice and against oppression. Can't even recall how he felt about the 1981 Springbok tour.
Clayton Weatherston
For:
Like Mandela, he was incarcerated for a lengthy period for pursuing armed struggle.
Against:
Weatherston’s armed struggle was against his partner, who was unarmed.
They probably won't hold rock concerts in support of Weatherston's release.
Paul Holmes
For:
A freedom fighter, like Mandela, even if Holmes’ struggle is for the right to say whatever grotesquely offensive thing he likes about people less privileged than himself.
Against:
Probably wouldn't be comfortable as leader of a black African liberation movement, on account of his being a bit racist.
David Garrett
For:
A lawyer in trouble with the law.
Actually, that’s all I have.
Against:
Mandela was jailed for following his convictions. Garrett was discharged without any convictions.
Mandela's supporters sought freedom for their man, while Garrett's law and order supporters have sought prison for just about anyone and anything that moves.
People tend to like Nelson Mandela.
Nelson Mandela never comments on Kiwiblog.
So now it's your turn. Who is your pick and why?
POAL's Useful Idiot
A prominent blogger has leaked personal details about a Ports of Auckland worker’s employment records.
Clearly someone was outraged at this serf’s inflated sense of self-entitlement. How dare he object to the port’s plan to take away his livelihood!
We don’t know for certain who was behind the leaking of the information to the blogger, although it must have been someone within POAL. Who else would have access to these employee records? Whether these were the actions of a rogue employee or something more sinister remains to be seen.
There is plenty of speculation in the blogosphere about whether the blogger’s being paid to do POAL’s dirty work, but it is just as likely that such is his eagerness to garner media attention (regardless of the cost to himself or others) that no money needed to change hands. The blogger concerned has a history of using the internet to bully and abuse others, making him a particularly useful idiot for political and business groups who want to smear their opponents but don’t dare do so in their own names.
Whoever has leaked the information to the blogger has probably breached the Privacy Act. The fact that the person whose information was leaked was in the media making statements about his employer does not excuse any breach. There’s little point in anyone trying to argue that the leak was justified in order to counter what the worker said in the media. It is not a legal defence to the unauthorised release of personal information, and in any event it’s not especially clear how the information released counters anything said by the man. The man’s point is that he wants to keep his job and current conditions.
It’s less clear (to me anyway) whether the blogger concerned is also in breach of the Privacy Act for publishing the worker’s details, but I’m sure the thousands of media and privacy lawyers who routinely read my blog may have a view on that. The blogger probably hasn’t thought that far ahead, since his past actions would suggest he views himself as being above the law.
If this leak was perpetrated by someone senior within port management, then the organisation has big problems. If POAL management really thought leaking the personal details of a worker to an attack blogger would earn them some sort of victory in the ongoing media war over the dispute, then that would suggest they need to fire their current PR advisers.
Clearly someone was outraged at this serf’s inflated sense of self-entitlement. How dare he object to the port’s plan to take away his livelihood!
We don’t know for certain who was behind the leaking of the information to the blogger, although it must have been someone within POAL. Who else would have access to these employee records? Whether these were the actions of a rogue employee or something more sinister remains to be seen.
There is plenty of speculation in the blogosphere about whether the blogger’s being paid to do POAL’s dirty work, but it is just as likely that such is his eagerness to garner media attention (regardless of the cost to himself or others) that no money needed to change hands. The blogger concerned has a history of using the internet to bully and abuse others, making him a particularly useful idiot for political and business groups who want to smear their opponents but don’t dare do so in their own names.
Whoever has leaked the information to the blogger has probably breached the Privacy Act. The fact that the person whose information was leaked was in the media making statements about his employer does not excuse any breach. There’s little point in anyone trying to argue that the leak was justified in order to counter what the worker said in the media. It is not a legal defence to the unauthorised release of personal information, and in any event it’s not especially clear how the information released counters anything said by the man. The man’s point is that he wants to keep his job and current conditions.
It’s less clear (to me anyway) whether the blogger concerned is also in breach of the Privacy Act for publishing the worker’s details, but I’m sure the thousands of media and privacy lawyers who routinely read my blog may have a view on that. The blogger probably hasn’t thought that far ahead, since his past actions would suggest he views himself as being above the law.
If this leak was perpetrated by someone senior within port management, then the organisation has big problems. If POAL management really thought leaking the personal details of a worker to an attack blogger would earn them some sort of victory in the ongoing media war over the dispute, then that would suggest they need to fire their current PR advisers.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
A Political Appointment To The Law Commission?
Derek Cheng at the Herald reports:
Mapp will bring some of these attributes to the job, even if his political and academic stars don't shine quite as brightly as Palmer’s. I have no reason to think Dr Mapp won’t do a good job. He had a background in academia before becoming a politician, and as an MP and minister he was never particularly controversial or polarising.
However, the process under which Mapp was appointed is troubling. Justice Minister Judith Collins not only failed to select any of the six candidates put forward by the Commission’s president. She didn’t even check their availability. She didn't consult any departments, agencies or interest groups before deciding to appoint Dr Mapp. It appears that the only people she consulted were government and support party MPs.
It is thus an inescapable conclusion that Dr Mapp’s appointment was not based on his legal or academic accomplishments, but was entirely political.
The Law Commission fulfils a vital role as an independent forum for exploring legal issues and advocating law reform. It retains the respect of the legal profession, media and politicians precisely because it is seen not to be pursuing a particular agenda.
If the process of appointing members of the Commission ends up being perceived as entirely political, then the reputation of that body will suffer and many people will take its findings less seriously.
This government has a “we know best” attitude towards law reform issues. It broke records during the last parliamentary term for the frequency with which it adopted urgency in the House to pass legislation. It has frequently ignored the concerns of the legal profession, and has shown little inclination to consult on difficult or controversial issues.
Appointing one of their own as member of the Commission without any proper consultation is yet another example of this trend. Will people take the Law Commission seriously any more?
Justice Minister Judith Collins has appointed former Cabinet colleague Wayne Mapp to the Law Commission, ignoring recommendations and without consulting her ministry or other interest groups.We should not hold any particular prejudice against a former politician being appointed to the Law Commission. It has happened in the past. Sir Geoffrey Palmer headed the body for some time, and he brought to the role a prominent academic pedigree together with one of the country’s sharpest legal minds. Palmer also had considerable experience at the business-end of law reform, having been Justice Minister for several years and PM for a short period.
But commission president Sir Grant Hammond said he was delighted with the decision, even though Dr Mapp was not on his radar when he recommended six candidates last year.
Mapp will bring some of these attributes to the job, even if his political and academic stars don't shine quite as brightly as Palmer’s. I have no reason to think Dr Mapp won’t do a good job. He had a background in academia before becoming a politician, and as an MP and minister he was never particularly controversial or polarising.
However, the process under which Mapp was appointed is troubling. Justice Minister Judith Collins not only failed to select any of the six candidates put forward by the Commission’s president. She didn’t even check their availability. She didn't consult any departments, agencies or interest groups before deciding to appoint Dr Mapp. It appears that the only people she consulted were government and support party MPs.
It is thus an inescapable conclusion that Dr Mapp’s appointment was not based on his legal or academic accomplishments, but was entirely political.
The Law Commission fulfils a vital role as an independent forum for exploring legal issues and advocating law reform. It retains the respect of the legal profession, media and politicians precisely because it is seen not to be pursuing a particular agenda.
If the process of appointing members of the Commission ends up being perceived as entirely political, then the reputation of that body will suffer and many people will take its findings less seriously.
This government has a “we know best” attitude towards law reform issues. It broke records during the last parliamentary term for the frequency with which it adopted urgency in the House to pass legislation. It has frequently ignored the concerns of the legal profession, and has shown little inclination to consult on difficult or controversial issues.
Appointing one of their own as member of the Commission without any proper consultation is yet another example of this trend. Will people take the Law Commission seriously any more?
Monday, March 12, 2012
Jesus Said: My Book Plan
I may be the Messiah, but nobody's perfect. Like most of you mere foolish mortals, I also get pissed off when someone steals my limelight.
That's why I'm struggling to feel any sympathy for the plight of embattled Auckland mayor Len Brown. He's been pretending to be me for far too long.
******
I was delighted to hear broadcaster Murray Deaker attack Sonny Bill Williams on the radio over the sportsman's conversion to Islam.I felt a sense of betrayal when SBW crossed over to Islam, after all those negotiations with his management team to win him over to our code.
Mohammad is probably thinking he has SBW's soul locked away for good. But my old prophet friend may be in for a little surprise when he finds out whose place of worship the sportsman will be attending next season.
The deal's not yet done, but I'm confident we'll get SBW's commitment once he sees the latest offer we're putting together. We'll even allow him time off for at least three holy wars per season.
******
I spent all yesterday playing golf with my buddies St Peter and St Paul. These golf days usually turn into long drawn-out affairs, because we all want to be a winner. But when everyone's sinking a hole-in-one every single time it can be difficult to sort out the victor. In the end we all agreed that I was the winner, after I offered to cast the pair down into Hell for eternity.
They were wise to decline my offer, although some people have funny notions about what the underworld is really like. Don't get me wrong: it's a horrid place, but not for the reasons most people think.
I do tend to spend a bit of time down below, usually for administration purposes, like to oversee the new computer link we're installing between Heaven and Hell. But I don't usually go out "back of shop", to where the poor hopeless sinners are being subjected to unspeakable torments. I prefer the comforts of Hell Head Office, with its air-conditioning, cafeteria and reclinable office chairs.
Even if I haven't seen for myself what goes on out back, I have a fairly good idea what I'm missing. I was talking the other day to someone who found himself in Hell after an administrative stuff-up, and he described it for me. This guy was down there for several decades, until someone noticed during a routine audit that there were two Hitlers. So Helmut Hitler ended up down below despite a life of good works and helping the poor, while his distant cousin Adolf got to strut around Heaven like he owned the place, making lots of noise and generally pissing people off. Heaven's kind of like Tauranga: full of people who just want to enjoy the sunshine and live a quiet life. They didn't take kindly to A. Hitler's noisy political rallies. It took a while to fix the stuff-up, though the bad Hitler's now appealing our deportation decision in the hope of dragging the whole process out for so long that we just give in and let him be an angel. The bastard knows how to work the system.
Helmut told me the worst part about Hell wasn't being slowly roasted over a fire like a rotisserie chicken, or being immersed into a pool of hot lava, or even being thrown into a river filled with piranhas. The worst part was apparently the boredom. When Lucifer isn't flaying your skin or boiling you alive he's got you strapped into a hard chair and forced to endure a literally never-ending PowerPoint presentation entitled Structuring Business Best Practice: Methodologies, Outcomes and Performance Matrices. Once you have experienced a certain level of exposure to pie-charts and stock photos of people in business suits shaking hands or staring at laptops, you actually begin to look forward to being dropped into the centre of a raging volcano.
Last month was Lucifer's birthday, so I gave him Hayley Westenra's latest CD. He was delighted with my gift and said he planned to play it to his subjects on endless loop.
"Wait a minute," I told him. "You can't play a music recording in public unless you get a licence and pay royalties to the collection agencies."
I may be omnipotent and immortal, but not even I would be crazy enough to take on the music recording industry in a fight.
"Don't worry," he replied. "All music industry executives end up in Hell. There's no way they'll dare piss their future master off.
"Besides, do you know how many lawyers I have down here?"
******
I'm writing a book. I should have done it years ago, but there was always something else to do, and I've never been good at managing my time. It takes hours and hours every day just to sort through my in-box, even though most of the prayers I receive are entirely predictable. Please send me the latest barbie doll. Please don't take Grandma from us. Please send the police and FBI to rescue me from the cellar that this strange cross-dressing dwarf I met on the internet has locked me in. Etcetera etcetera.
I've been experimenting with a few prayer filters, in an effort to filter out all the dross and get things to a manageable level. But it's been hit and miss, and a lot of important prayers haven't come my way. For example, I didn't receive any All Blacks supporters' prayers for over 20 years, until I adjusted my filter settings in October. And for some reason nothing from Christchurch has been getting through. I did answer a prayer from Barack Obama, however. I was happy to provide him with Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum, even if (like the mayor of Auckland) Obama has tried to impersonate me far too often. I figured that the people of America deserve a genuine choice between a weak do-nothing incumbent president and a complete lunatic. You're welcome, America!
So anyway, the book. It's a sequel. My first book was a roaring success, but I never liked the ending. It seemed so final and after I wrote the book I realised I'd screwed myself out of writing a whole series and milking it for all I could.
Then I thought well the ending didn't actually happen. It was just a prophecy! We all know how unreliable prophecies and predictions can be. So my new book starts with John coming down from his acid high and realising that whole revelation was just the result of some crazy shit his mates gave him. He recovers just in time to catch the special train to his school for wizards, and then after various adventures following clues left by a secret society about a series of murders in the Vatican, he gathers a fellowship of adventurers to destroy a magical ring.
I won't tell you how it ends, but I can promise you it will contain just as much sex and violence as my last novel.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Won't Someone Think Of The Lamingtons?
A guest post from the CEO of For the Sake of Our Cakes Trust
I picked up the newspaper today, only to immediately regret my decision.
The latest heartbreaking case of abuse now playing out all over the media has left me sick to the stomach.
Sick when I think how much more settled my stomach would have been had that lovely lamington been sitting in it.
What does this sort of violence against helpless cakes and sweet treats tell us about the society we live in? What has the world come to when someone's political cause requires the senseless murder of young, innocent lamingtons?
There is a terrible moral sickness in our society, a sickness that leads ordinary people to watch passively as defenceless cakes are assaulted and abused in full public view. For shame!
Every cake and sweet treat deserves a chance to reach its full potential, to flourish and to be loved. The greatest gift we can give our custard squares, donuts and slices is our love.
But for many of our cakes that love is absent. Some are neglected, left forgotten in someone's pantry or fridge, until the most merciful thing to do is throw them in the bin or down the waste disposal unit.
But others, like the lamington so publicly and savagely murdered, are victims of a violent and cruel society, where cakes are mere pawns in a greater political game.
It doesn't have to be like this. The man who threw that lamington at the Auckland mayor won't have won any followers with his brutal and callous actions. It would be a surprise if he hasn't alienated cake lovers across the nation. How can taking the life of a cake in this fashion ever be justified?
Had that protester just handed the lamington to the mayor in a tidy paper bag he may have opened the man's heart. Perhaps then a little aroha would have been spread, rather than the mashed remains of a cake.
When we sit down to enjoy a cream puff or an apple slice we do honour to our cakes, and we allow them to fulfil their true potential.
But when we let them be senselessly murdered, like that poor young lamington, we send a message to our cakes that we don't value them.
With so much negativity and ill-will being displayed towards our cakes, is it any wonder that so many of them turn bad? Whether it's overcooking, poor ingredients, or excessive dryness, entire batches of cakes are being spoiled. It's a criminal waste, when there are so many lonely old widows out there desperate for a nice bit of cake to enjoy with their cuppas.
We need to send a clear message to our politicians and civic leaders that we won't tolerate the ongoing abuse against cakes. Join with us in making a stand.
Please tell your MP that this violence against lamingtons must be stopped!
Neemish von Tartt
CEO, For the Sake of Our Cakes Trust
I picked up the newspaper today, only to immediately regret my decision.
The latest heartbreaking case of abuse now playing out all over the media has left me sick to the stomach.
Sick when I think how much more settled my stomach would have been had that lovely lamington been sitting in it.
What does this sort of violence against helpless cakes and sweet treats tell us about the society we live in? What has the world come to when someone's political cause requires the senseless murder of young, innocent lamingtons?
There is a terrible moral sickness in our society, a sickness that leads ordinary people to watch passively as defenceless cakes are assaulted and abused in full public view. For shame!
Every cake and sweet treat deserves a chance to reach its full potential, to flourish and to be loved. The greatest gift we can give our custard squares, donuts and slices is our love.
But for many of our cakes that love is absent. Some are neglected, left forgotten in someone's pantry or fridge, until the most merciful thing to do is throw them in the bin or down the waste disposal unit.
 |
| Every cupcake is precious |
It doesn't have to be like this. The man who threw that lamington at the Auckland mayor won't have won any followers with his brutal and callous actions. It would be a surprise if he hasn't alienated cake lovers across the nation. How can taking the life of a cake in this fashion ever be justified?
Had that protester just handed the lamington to the mayor in a tidy paper bag he may have opened the man's heart. Perhaps then a little aroha would have been spread, rather than the mashed remains of a cake.
When we sit down to enjoy a cream puff or an apple slice we do honour to our cakes, and we allow them to fulfil their true potential.
But when we let them be senselessly murdered, like that poor young lamington, we send a message to our cakes that we don't value them.
With so much negativity and ill-will being displayed towards our cakes, is it any wonder that so many of them turn bad? Whether it's overcooking, poor ingredients, or excessive dryness, entire batches of cakes are being spoiled. It's a criminal waste, when there are so many lonely old widows out there desperate for a nice bit of cake to enjoy with their cuppas.
We need to send a clear message to our politicians and civic leaders that we won't tolerate the ongoing abuse against cakes. Join with us in making a stand.
Please tell your MP that this violence against lamingtons must be stopped!
Neemish von Tartt
CEO, For the Sake of Our Cakes Trust
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Dick Fritter's Salute to John Key
First up was a question about the handling of the economy. John Key batted the question away by describing the handling of his car. Key then walked over to Winston Peters, grabbed his cheeks and said to him “who’s a naughty boy then?”
As if this bravura display by a consummate professional at the top of his game wasn’t enough, Key then gave a devastating response when asked by Labour’s leader David Shearer if he had confidence in his ministers.
“Not only do I have complete confidence in my ministers, I am also confident in my ability to eat a pancake,” was Key’s brilliantly cutting reply.
As government members rolled about the floor laughing, Mr Key then stripped naked and performed an energetic dancing routine. Several of his ministers joined in, and they completed the performance with a series of backflips and twirls. The finish to the routine was marred slightly when Gerry Brownlee tripped and fell on Anne Tolley, leaving the Corrections Minister with multiple fractures and needing urgent surgery, but Labour and the Greens had no response to the brilliant performance.
The Opposition might have fared better had they taken up Trevor Mallard’s suggestion of responding with a haka.
Mr Key then took the microphone from the Speaker, Lockwood Smith, and boldly demanded that they all look at him and tell him what they see.
Key told his audience they had not seen the best of him yet. He promised that if they would give him time he would make them forget the rest.
Despite Opposition objections, the Speaker refused to intervene, leaving Key in complete control of the floor.
He used the opportunity given to him with devastating effect, telling the House that he had more in him, that they could set it free, and that he could catch the moon in his hands.
At the end of his speech Key looked directly towards David Shearer and asked “Don’t you know who I am?”
And so yet again Labour and the Greens have fallen into traps laid by the cunning PM. Their hapless efforts to make the PM answer simple questions and be accountable for the actions of his government are touchingly naive, when anyone who has followed politics as long as I have knows that accountability is much less important than putting on a good show.
That is why the decision to film the next series of New Zealand’s Got Talent in the House during parliamentary proceedings is a good one. The punters want to see their politicians singing and dancing, not giving boring speeches about transport and taxation. I’ve seen a preview of the first episode, and let me warn you now that Paula Bennett’s song paying tribute to Whitney Houston will leave you an emotional wreck.
Apple’s New iMayor Gets Mixed Reviews
There was both excitement and disappointment in the technology world, as Apple yesterday unveiled the new iMayor.
The release of any Apple product is always a major event, but initial feedback following the launch of the new iMayor has been mixed.
The iMayor includes a number of different features to the last version, which was released in late 2010. However, reviews by those who have managed to get their hands on the new model have not been entirely favourable, and some reviewers have pointed to failures in the iMayor’s memory and other hardware systems and a lack of compatibility with existing applications.
Those reviews claim that if the iMayor is flipped from one side to the other too many times its operating system slows dramatically, and in some cases there is a complete power failure.
But Apple has fiercely denied claims of a product fault.
Apple’s CEO Tim Cook said that the iMayor has been deliberately designed to shut down whenever dangers to its systems are detected.
“The iMayor has a range of in-built sensors designed for self-preservation,” said Mr Cook.
“These sensors automatically shut the iMayor down whenever they detect the need for political courage.”
Mr Cook also denied that the product’s memory failings were connected to the iMayor’s reported tendency to turn its back on working people.
There are also questions about the compatibility of some current iMayor applications with the newest version. Apple has indicated that some applications, like Social Conscience and Worker’s Friend, will not be available on the latest model.
However, with a range of new union-busting features the iMayor is expected to be popular with a whole new audience of consumers. Anyone who wants to get their hands on one of these will have to move fast, because all indications are that the new iMayor is going to be a complete sell-out.
The release of any Apple product is always a major event, but initial feedback following the launch of the new iMayor has been mixed.
The iMayor includes a number of different features to the last version, which was released in late 2010. However, reviews by those who have managed to get their hands on the new model have not been entirely favourable, and some reviewers have pointed to failures in the iMayor’s memory and other hardware systems and a lack of compatibility with existing applications.
Those reviews claim that if the iMayor is flipped from one side to the other too many times its operating system slows dramatically, and in some cases there is a complete power failure.
But Apple has fiercely denied claims of a product fault.
Apple’s CEO Tim Cook said that the iMayor has been deliberately designed to shut down whenever dangers to its systems are detected.
“The iMayor has a range of in-built sensors designed for self-preservation,” said Mr Cook.
“These sensors automatically shut the iMayor down whenever they detect the need for political courage.”
Mr Cook also denied that the product’s memory failings were connected to the iMayor’s reported tendency to turn its back on working people.
There are also questions about the compatibility of some current iMayor applications with the newest version. Apple has indicated that some applications, like Social Conscience and Worker’s Friend, will not be available on the latest model.
However, with a range of new union-busting features the iMayor is expected to be popular with a whole new audience of consumers. Anyone who wants to get their hands on one of these will have to move fast, because all indications are that the new iMayor is going to be a complete sell-out.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
English Says Asteroid Strike Good For Country
The Finance Minister said this morning that the asteroid speeding towards the country presented opportunities for New Zealand.
Scientists yesterday announced that a giant asteroid is on a collision course with the Earth. They predict that the huge rock will hit the southern part of the North Island tomorrow, destroying most of Wellington and leaving hundreds of thousands of people dead.
However, Finance Minister Bill English said there was no need for panic over the news.
While admitting that the development was not entirely helpful, Mr English said he remained confident that it would not derail the country's economic recovery.
"Despite our expectation that the nation's capital will be reduced to a vast crater, that most of the Wellington and Kapiti regions will be smashed to smithereens, and that the horror holocaust will in a second obliterate tens of thousands of precious lives and leave the entire nation without any form of political leadership, we remain on course to return to surplus," said Mr English.
The Finance Minister acknowledged that Treasury had failed to predict the rogue asteroid, but insisted that the news was not all bad.
"Treasury is also predicting that the asteroid strike will lead to a new wave of prosperity," said Mr English.
"The loss of Wellington, while in some ways regrettable, will lead to a reduction in government spending across the board. Not only because most government department head offices and civil servants will cease to exist, but also because some of the surviving functions of the state just won't be necessary.
"Does anyone really think that the handful of ragged survivors of this apocalyptic nightmare will be concerned about making ACC claims or worrying about their tax returns?
"Of more fundamental concern to the general public will be the need for fire, shelter, and sharpened sticks to drive off competitors for the few remaining food resources not incinerated in the catastrophe.
"We're confident that private sector providers will step up to meet the public need for basic necessities, by forming armed gangs to intimidate, murder and extort."
Mr English predicted that, while the country's immediate future looked quite literally rocky, things would improve financially in the short to medium term.
"I remain committed to delivering a balanced budget in the coming financial year," said Mr English.
"Assuming, of course, that I'm lucky enough not to be killed, either in the initial asteroid strike, or in the mob violence that will overtake most remaining towns and cities afterwards."
[Update: It seems that nothing is new and everything has been done before. An anonymous commenter whose comment I deleted (see my comments policy) noted a resemblance to this Onion piece. I hadn't read it before, and it is (not surprisingly) better than mine]
Scientists yesterday announced that a giant asteroid is on a collision course with the Earth. They predict that the huge rock will hit the southern part of the North Island tomorrow, destroying most of Wellington and leaving hundreds of thousands of people dead.
However, Finance Minister Bill English said there was no need for panic over the news.
While admitting that the development was not entirely helpful, Mr English said he remained confident that it would not derail the country's economic recovery.
"Despite our expectation that the nation's capital will be reduced to a vast crater, that most of the Wellington and Kapiti regions will be smashed to smithereens, and that the horror holocaust will in a second obliterate tens of thousands of precious lives and leave the entire nation without any form of political leadership, we remain on course to return to surplus," said Mr English.
The Finance Minister acknowledged that Treasury had failed to predict the rogue asteroid, but insisted that the news was not all bad.
"Treasury is also predicting that the asteroid strike will lead to a new wave of prosperity," said Mr English.
"The loss of Wellington, while in some ways regrettable, will lead to a reduction in government spending across the board. Not only because most government department head offices and civil servants will cease to exist, but also because some of the surviving functions of the state just won't be necessary.
"Does anyone really think that the handful of ragged survivors of this apocalyptic nightmare will be concerned about making ACC claims or worrying about their tax returns?
"Of more fundamental concern to the general public will be the need for fire, shelter, and sharpened sticks to drive off competitors for the few remaining food resources not incinerated in the catastrophe.
"We're confident that private sector providers will step up to meet the public need for basic necessities, by forming armed gangs to intimidate, murder and extort."
Mr English predicted that, while the country's immediate future looked quite literally rocky, things would improve financially in the short to medium term.
"I remain committed to delivering a balanced budget in the coming financial year," said Mr English.
"Assuming, of course, that I'm lucky enough not to be killed, either in the initial asteroid strike, or in the mob violence that will overtake most remaining towns and cities afterwards."
[Update: It seems that nothing is new and everything has been done before. An anonymous commenter whose comment I deleted (see my comments policy) noted a resemblance to this Onion piece. I hadn't read it before, and it is (not surprisingly) better than mine]
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
There's No Business Like Police Business
Listen in to this podcast (at about the 4 minute mark) to hear the Police Commissioner tell Mary Wilson he runs a business.
Arguments about speed cameras aside, it is of course nonsense. Whatever the Commissioner may think about his role and the job he has to do, he is not a businessman and the police force is not a business. If it were, the Government would probably have made moves to sell shares in it to overseas investors*.
Don't believe me? Next time you get pulled over by a cop just try giving the guy some cash. He won't take it!**
* I acknowledge that the Dotcom case might lead some to erroneously believe this has already happened.
** Just to be clear, I haven't actually tried bribing a policeman in this country. It is merely a hypothesis.
Arguments about speed cameras aside, it is of course nonsense. Whatever the Commissioner may think about his role and the job he has to do, he is not a businessman and the police force is not a business. If it were, the Government would probably have made moves to sell shares in it to overseas investors*.
Don't believe me? Next time you get pulled over by a cop just try giving the guy some cash. He won't take it!**
* I acknowledge that the Dotcom case might lead some to erroneously believe this has already happened.
** Just to be clear, I haven't actually tried bribing a policeman in this country. It is merely a hypothesis.
National's Toolbox Is Empty
Nobody will be surprised to learn that Treasury is forecasting a deficit blowout. Treasury forecasts always have to be taken with a grain of salt, but the tendency in recent times has been for Treasury forecasts to be unduly optimistic. The fact that the news is so grim isn’t promising, because if recent trends are anything to go by the next set of forecasts will reveal an even direr picture.
At the same time National’s asset sales programme appears to be ramping up, and it becomes clearer by the day that the shares sold will return much less to the country than previously predicted.
Those few protections we were told would be in place to ensure the partially-sold SOEs acted responsibly and that New Zealanders would be first in line to buy the shares, have gone missing from the asset sales legislation introduced into Parliament. Now we are told “don’t worry, we’ll make sure rules are in place to put Kiwis first in line”, though why this can’t be legislated for isn’t clear. We are expected to trust the Government that there's a perfectly sound reason for this omission.
We are also assured that big corporations already act in a socially responsible manner, meaning that legislation entrenching this obligation is not necessary.
If big corporations are already behaving as good corporate citizens, then what would National have to lose by including a social responsibility obligation?
Could it be that some large companies do in fact act in a socially irresponsible manner, and that when the need for profit clashes with social responsibility the profit motive often wins? This should be no surprise, because most corporations exist for the purpose of maximising returns to shareholders.
I can see how removing constraints on the operations of the partially-sold SOEs might potentially make them more attractive to investors, especially overseas investors who might be nervous about investing in a market they are not intimately familiar with, and under conditions where participants can’t just maximise profits.
I can also see why the government would want to hoodwink us into thinking that such restrictions are not important and that social responsibility obligations don’t matter, and that the main recipients of the shares will be “Mum and Dad investors”.
But the desire to maximise the return on the sale of assets will come at a long-term cost. It seems likely that a large proportion of the shares sold to private investors will end up in overseas hands, meaning that much of the profits of these companies will go offshore, worsening our current-account deficit.
The good news for opponents of this government is that it is doing a lot of quite unpopular things, at a time when the economic news just gets worse and worse, and it appears to be showing in the polls. The bad news is that by the time we finally get rid of these incompetents a lot of the damage will already be done.
A conspiracy theorist might conclude that the further the public accounts worsen the easier it will be for the government to justify urgent and drastic measures, such as extending the asset sales programme and gutting public services.
But it’s much more likely that this government just doesn’t have a clue how to grow the economy. National’s only tools appear to be the knife and the box of matches.
At the same time National’s asset sales programme appears to be ramping up, and it becomes clearer by the day that the shares sold will return much less to the country than previously predicted.
Those few protections we were told would be in place to ensure the partially-sold SOEs acted responsibly and that New Zealanders would be first in line to buy the shares, have gone missing from the asset sales legislation introduced into Parliament. Now we are told “don’t worry, we’ll make sure rules are in place to put Kiwis first in line”, though why this can’t be legislated for isn’t clear. We are expected to trust the Government that there's a perfectly sound reason for this omission.
We are also assured that big corporations already act in a socially responsible manner, meaning that legislation entrenching this obligation is not necessary.
If big corporations are already behaving as good corporate citizens, then what would National have to lose by including a social responsibility obligation?
Could it be that some large companies do in fact act in a socially irresponsible manner, and that when the need for profit clashes with social responsibility the profit motive often wins? This should be no surprise, because most corporations exist for the purpose of maximising returns to shareholders.
I can see how removing constraints on the operations of the partially-sold SOEs might potentially make them more attractive to investors, especially overseas investors who might be nervous about investing in a market they are not intimately familiar with, and under conditions where participants can’t just maximise profits.
I can also see why the government would want to hoodwink us into thinking that such restrictions are not important and that social responsibility obligations don’t matter, and that the main recipients of the shares will be “Mum and Dad investors”.
But the desire to maximise the return on the sale of assets will come at a long-term cost. It seems likely that a large proportion of the shares sold to private investors will end up in overseas hands, meaning that much of the profits of these companies will go offshore, worsening our current-account deficit.
The good news for opponents of this government is that it is doing a lot of quite unpopular things, at a time when the economic news just gets worse and worse, and it appears to be showing in the polls. The bad news is that by the time we finally get rid of these incompetents a lot of the damage will already be done.
A conspiracy theorist might conclude that the further the public accounts worsen the easier it will be for the government to justify urgent and drastic measures, such as extending the asset sales programme and gutting public services.
But it’s much more likely that this government just doesn’t have a clue how to grow the economy. National’s only tools appear to be the knife and the box of matches.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Gossip Bomb Predicted To Hit Country Hard
Celebrity forecasters are warning of an impending gossip bomb, after a number of sightings of Keisha Castle-Hughes and Sonny-Bill Williams together.
Bar patrons reported seeing the two sitting and laughing together during a private party at up-market bar Scratching Dodos in the Viaduct. The party was being held to celebrate the launch of Sally Ridge’s new Abdominal Heave fashion label.
Murmurings of a romance between the pair began after Castle-Hughes dumped her long-time boyfriend Jesse Ryder following an altercation in a restaurant. Castle-Hughes was spotted by diners getting into Williams’ car after she left the restaurant.
Shortly afterwards Williams declared on his Facebook page that his romance with Millie Holmes was over, leading to speculation that he was moving on to Castle-Hughes.
However, friends of the two are staying tight-lipped about any romance.
Williams’ best friend and fellow All Black Zac Guildford said the pair were just friends, insisting there is nothing going on between them.
But celebrity-watchers noted that Williams and Castle-Hughes sat together during Guildford’s recent secret Rarotonga wedding, both during the ceremony and at the dinner afterwards at Trader Jack's.
Celebrity forecasters say that the convergence of two such powerful paparazzi targets could cause a potentially-lethal gossip bomb, leaving women’s magazine readers and followers of the stars in a state of near delirium.
There is now a general gossip warning in place across the country, and people are being warned about the dangers of sudden hot flushes and floods of emotion, including euphoria, envy and arousal.
Gossip patterns are expected to return to normal in a few days, with Mike Hosking, Alison Mau, and the usual range of rugby players and talentless clothes-horses predicted to resume their parade across the newspapers and women’s magazines by the end of next week.
Bar patrons reported seeing the two sitting and laughing together during a private party at up-market bar Scratching Dodos in the Viaduct. The party was being held to celebrate the launch of Sally Ridge’s new Abdominal Heave fashion label.
Murmurings of a romance between the pair began after Castle-Hughes dumped her long-time boyfriend Jesse Ryder following an altercation in a restaurant. Castle-Hughes was spotted by diners getting into Williams’ car after she left the restaurant.
Shortly afterwards Williams declared on his Facebook page that his romance with Millie Holmes was over, leading to speculation that he was moving on to Castle-Hughes.
However, friends of the two are staying tight-lipped about any romance.
Williams’ best friend and fellow All Black Zac Guildford said the pair were just friends, insisting there is nothing going on between them.
But celebrity-watchers noted that Williams and Castle-Hughes sat together during Guildford’s recent secret Rarotonga wedding, both during the ceremony and at the dinner afterwards at Trader Jack's.
Celebrity forecasters say that the convergence of two such powerful paparazzi targets could cause a potentially-lethal gossip bomb, leaving women’s magazine readers and followers of the stars in a state of near delirium.
There is now a general gossip warning in place across the country, and people are being warned about the dangers of sudden hot flushes and floods of emotion, including euphoria, envy and arousal.
Gossip patterns are expected to return to normal in a few days, with Mike Hosking, Alison Mau, and the usual range of rugby players and talentless clothes-horses predicted to resume their parade across the newspapers and women’s magazines by the end of next week.
A Crime News Toolkit For Journos
Never let anyone say I'm only interested in helping out journos who report fluff entertainment news.
I'm also here to give those hardboiled crime reporters a helping hand. It can't be easy having to ring up grieving families in order to get a scoop, so hopefully I can make your job of forcing them to relive their terrible trauma just a little bit easier.
I have prepared below a template for you to use in at least half of all the crime stories you write. All you need to do is fill in the gaps!
I'm also here to give those hardboiled crime reporters a helping hand. It can't be easy having to ring up grieving families in order to get a scoop, so hopefully I can make your job of forcing them to relive their terrible trauma just a little bit easier.
I have prepared below a template for you to use in at least half of all the crime stories you write. All you need to do is fill in the gaps!
The [mother/father] of [one of] the victim[s] of a notorious [murderer/rapist/sex offender] has slammed the corrections system, after the Parole Board's decision to release the man back into the community.
[name of bad person] was sentenced to [insert number] years' imprisonment in [year] after [recite gruesome details of his crimes. Yes, his. It's always a man]. [surname of bad dude] was released from prison last week after serving [number] years of his sentence.
At the hearing the board noted that [name] [list all the various mitigating factors. e.g. no threat to the community, remorseful, made good progress, found Jesus, good family support, previously blameless life, etc etc..]
But relatives of [name]'s victim[s] told the board that [reiterate that he a bad bad man]
In making its decision the board acknowledged [mention his risk of reoffending, acknowledging seriousness of what he did etc.], but noted [insert here some more shit justifying the release].
[name of victim's parent], the [mother/father] of [victim's name], has blasted the Parole Board's decision.
"[bad man, destroyed family, is monster, let down by system, evil etc etc]", [name] said.
"No family should ever have to endure what we've had to go through", said [name].
The Sensible Sentencing Trust has also attacked the board's decision.
"[Parole board out of touch with reality, symptomatic of wider failings of justice system, no respect for the law, wet bus ticket, PC lunacy, liberal do-gooders, outraged, some people can't be rehabilitated, pure evil, life should mean life, clever lawyers manipulating the system for their clients, enough is enough, I speak to the parents of the victims all the time, this isn't justice, moral decay, we can't go on like this, scumbags, an insult to victims, this man has never shown an ounce of remorse for what he did, it's a bad joke, personal responsibility, where's the justice?]", said the group's spokesperson Garth McVicar.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Meet The Firebugs
 |
| John Key's Cabinet meet to discuss the economic situation |
For those of you who thought John Key's "brighter future" was something other than a roaring bonfire upon which the hopes and aspirations of all but a privileged few are being thrown, how are you feeling now about your voting decision?
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