Government Moves To End Boat People Crisis

The Government has introduced into Parliament a series of amendments to the Immigration Act, in an effort to keep out illegal immigrants. 

John Key announced today that the law would be changed to put a stop to the influx of boatpeople and put an end to the massive crisis threatening to overwhelm New Zealand's immigration system.

Officials have long been concerned about the potential threat to civilised society that illegal refugees pose.

Although no illegal refugee boats have ever reached New Zealand, the dangers posed to a nation of four and a half million people by a boatload of desperate and wretchedly poor brown people, assuming they survived the immense sea voyage here, is too dreadful for many to countenance.

Experts say that brown people often speak a language other than English, eat different foods, and engage in unusual religious practices.

It is feared that if even one refugee boat managed to somehow make it across thousands of kilometres of difficult seas, the few dozen ragged and desperate brown people that set foot on New Zealand shores would corrupt our morals, destroy our economy with their bludging, and speak all funny funny.

Medical authorities already have contingency plans in place in the event of a refugee boat landing.

Their modelling has shown that the country's hospital system would quickly be overwhelmed in the event of a boat of brown people arriving here to make a better life, as radio talkback callers all around New Zealand went into sudden seizures, haemorrhaged, or experienced severe chest pains and panic attacks.

Medical plans to protect the population include the creation of special gated communities, and economic measures designed to encourage white people to look down in disdain at the minimum-wage immigrants serving their burgers or cleaning their office toilets.

Mr Key said that the law change was designed to make it tougher for some people to queue jump ahead of genuine applicants.

"Although it is likely that few, if any, refugee boats will ever reach New Zealand, we don't want to be seen as a soft touch when it comes to immigration." said Mr Key.

"This is about applying a consistent set of rules across the board. If people don't like the rules we set down, then there are always alternatives for them. They can choose to settle in another country. Or they can do what some people do when they don't like the law: pay us to change it."

A Statement By John Banks

On Sunday morning I made it clear to Paul Holmes on TVNZ's Q&A current affairs show that I didn't come up the river on a cabbage boat.

I am aware that a number of my enemies are trying to catch me out, and I fully expect they will be looking to twist my words. So in order to "front-foot" this matter, as the saying goes, I am making the following statement.

I have no recollection of ever travelling on any cabbage boat. I have gone on a number of river journeys over the years, and I don't ever remember seeing crates of cabbages on any of the vessels I sailed on.

If any cabbages were being transported during those river sojourns, then it was certainly not something brought to my attention. Having said that, it would be unreasonable to expect a politician to go below and inspect every single crate of cargo for hidden cabbages, every time he wanted to go on a river cruise.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have been scrupulous in avoiding cabbages throughout my political career. As far as I am aware I have only ever eaten cabbage once during my political career, but this was an error due to a catering mix-up, and I disclosed the matter to everyone at the dinner table at the time. I was so concerned at the catering mix-up that I sought and obtained assurances from the people involved that it was a genuine error, and I have sworn affidavits to that effect from those people.

So I have nothing to hide, and I welcome any enquiry into my eating habits.

But let me be clear, in case footage subsequently emerges of me eating coleslaw or sprawled among piles of cabbages on the deck of a boat as it winds its way up some river, that any statement I may have made in the past about my cabbage-related activities was made in good faith and to the best of my knowledge.

I have been in politics most of my working life, and I meet a lot of people and go to a lot of lunches and dinners. I can't always control the meals served to me, and rather than offend my hosts with demands for cabbage-free meals, I often request that they don't reveal whether or not they have put cabbage on my plate. By telling my hosts to make the cabbage out to be anonymous I am avoiding future problems, both for me and for my hosts. This is all above board, and if you ask any law professor whether my eating habits have broken any laws they'll tell you you're being ridiculous.

It is true that I have eaten bok choy several times, and although I am aware that some people refer to bok choy as "Chinese cabbage", I refuse to accept that my failure to declare my consumption of bok choy has in any way been misleading or dishonest.

I lead a party that is fighting hard to make New Zealand a better place, and I'm not interested in sideshows about brassica varieties that I may or may not have inadvertently eaten, especially when there are thousands of kids in South Auckland going hungry, for whom a decent cabbage meal would be a luxury.

So even if it turned out that I had a cabbage fetish and secretly enjoyed filming myself rolling around in the stuff in the basement of my house while listening to Whitney Houston's Greatest Love of All, why would that be a problem?

Anyone who suggests I have done anything wrong is just trying to cause political mischief. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a helicopter to catch.

Is John Key's Leadership Doomed?

National Party leader John Key has angrily denied that his leadership is in trouble.

Rumours that his deputy, Bill English, may be planning to oust him, have been doing the rounds in Wellington in recent days.

But both John Key and Bill English say there is no plot, and that claims of a potential challenge are incorrect.

Signs of a crack in National's usually watertight facade became evident late last year, with Simon Power's decision to leave Parliament to work for Westpac's Private Bank.

Power's time as minister in a National government made him the ideal candidate to head the team at Westpac helping high net worth individuals increase their wealth.

But some people have claimed Power's decision to depart was the result of frustration at John Key's ineffectual leadership.

One party insider, who may or may not actually exist, said Key's popularity was steadily declining, and that National faced the prospect within the next ten years of Key not being regarded by voters as the best person to lead the country.

"He needs to step up and make more of an impact," the insider said or did not say.

Mr Key's leadership has also been under constant attack by political bloggers. They have claimed that Key lacks any vision for the country, is bereft of ideas, and has no interest in helping struggling families.

While most of these political bloggers are left-leaning and therefore naturally hostile to National, the fact that people are saying bad things about a prominent political figure has political journalists excited, particularly since the alternative to political journalists reporting what political bloggers have been writing about a politician, and then having the same political bloggers quoting with approval on their blogs what those political journalists wrote about those same political bloggers, is for those political journalists to do some hard work and write stories about government policies and their impacts on people.

This ongoing criticism of John Key has led to speculation that his deputy, the openly heterosexual Bill English, may be planning a leadership bid in the near future.

In addition to Mr English, most of John Key's close advisers and political staff are understood to be heterosexual. This points to the increasing influence of English at the top of the party and suggests a challenge may be imminent. 

Key has denied there is a split, and has said there is no possibility of a challenge.

"Why are you questioning my leadership? Why don't you go pick on David Shearer?" he told reporters. "Why does he get such an easy ride all the time?"

Or Maybe There's Nothing Going On

Sometimes I wonder if we bloggers and commentators take ourselves too seriously.

On the strength of a few personnel changes at head office and some critical columns by bloggers and commentators, Bryce Edwards says:

David Shearer's leadership of the Labour Party appears to be doomed.

It's true that rumours are swirling about, but it's not clear whether those rumours are based on anything substantial or are just being fanned by the usual suspects. It's not a huge surprise that the elevation of a new leader has given rise to a number of personnel changes within Labour. But a change of leader will often precipitate changes in staffing. There's nothing sinister per se in the fact that a couple of people are moving on. Some of the staffing changes actually look positive for Labour.

In case you're wondering, I don't have any inside knowledge on what is going on, so I could be wrong. But I'm also mindful that some of the people trying to make a story out of these staffing changes are enemies of Labour, so their motivations have to be questioned.

I would be disappointed if a challenge to Shearer's leadership emerged. The caucus made its choice when they elected him, and they should give him a chance to grow into the role. Labour suffered a heavy defeat in 2011, and in the aftermath of that defeat it was always going to take more than just a leadership change to move the polls significantly in Labour's favour.

I would also be bitterly disappointed if any of Shearer's caucus colleagues were planning to move against him. 

Labour people need to give Shearer time. If he's the failure some people claim he is there will still be time to get rid of him and put someone else in his place.  

The alternative really doesn't bear thinking about. If Shearer is forced out early I suspect the resulting leadership battle will be bitter, and that would be a disaster for Labour. It would reinforce the view held by many that Labour aren't fit to lead the next government, and it would condemn New Zealand to another three year term of economic ruination under National.

Going Green For The Blue Team

David Farrar uses his latest Herald column to talk up the merits of the Green Party.

Well he would, wouldn't he?

Farrar realises that the Greens have been attracting some of the Labour vote. Labour are still the main threat to National in 2014, and so it makes sense for National Party strategists to encourage left voters to go green rather than red. A Green Party vote is not a lost vote as far as a potential Labour-Greens coalition is concerned, but an ongoing lack of support for Labour (as opposed to the Greens) would pile pressure on Labour's new leadership team.

So talking up the Greens is a sound political tactic, because if people perceive Labour's leadership to be disorganised and unfit to lead the country, a good number of voters will stay with National. Better the devil you know, and all that. Others will just stay home on polling day rather than vote Labour.

It's a strategy not without some risk, because it could encourage some National supporters to go Green. However, the strategy (if it works) will undermine Labour and attract more votes to National, or simply result in Labour supporters not bothering to vote.

Farrar is able to get away with doing this because of the slow and steady move by the Greens towards the political centre.  Their 2011 election campaign was warm, fluffy and feel-good, and wouldn't have caused soft National voters too much alarm. Remember when the Greens were angry? Like Sue Bradford. Say what you like about her, but she was one of Parliament's most effective advocates for the downtrodden.

In the lead-up to the last election the Green Party co-leaders, for all their denials, seemed to almost encourage rumours of a potential deal between the Nats and Greens. It is tempting to wonder what sort of government we might have ended up with had National been unable to form a majority with the Maori Party, Peter Dunne and John Banks. Would John Key have come calling to see Russel and Metiria?

Farrar's claim that Labour steals all good Green Party policies doesn't really bear close scrutiny. On many political issues there aren't major differences between the two parties, and there will be some sharing of ideas. It is a two-way process, and I expect quite a lot of Greens policy has at least been inspired by what Labour have done.

But it's smart to claim that Labour has no original ideas, because if enough left voters believe this they will give their support to the Greens. A weak Labour will increase the chances of National gaining a third term in office.

It's also politically smart for the right to relentlessly attack Labour policy, but stay largely silent on Green Party policy.

For all the buzz about the Greens, they are not ready to become the main party of the left. They won't win an electorate seat anywhere in the foreseeable future unless they do a deal with Labour. People who think winning electorate seats is not important in our MMP environment make a mistake, because a strong electorate presence gives visibility to a party, and by standing a strong candidate in an electorate a party will likely increase its party vote in that electorate. In most electorates in the 2011 election the Greens didn't even chase the candidate vote.

This is not meant to be read as an attack on the Greens, because I personally hope to see a Greens-Labour coalition in 2014. The Greens have some good people and some good policies, but it is a fact that they are now closer to the centre than they once were, and it is a fact that part of the reason for their recent success has been their ability to attract soft-National voters.

It is also a fact that, while they are a growing political force, it is hard to see the Greens taking over as the main party of the left within the next five years. Another fact that might cause the Greens some concern is the near-certainty that Labour will eventually get its act together (even if it takes another decade), and if this happens some of the left vote that the Greens have taken up might drift back to the red party.

So it's too soon to anoint the Greens as the new main opposition party, even if that's the narrative David Farrar and other National Party activists would like us all to follow.

To Save We Must First Kill

The United Kingdom is in recession again. 

This was entirely predictable. The right convinced themselves that severe austerity measures would somehow magic up growth. It didn't work. Any student of history could have told them it wouldn't work.

They wouldn't listen, because their hearts told them that the solution to the nation's woes was to implement savage measures against the have-nots, while protecting the wealth and privilege of those at the top.

Something similar has been happening in New Zealand in recent years. Our austerity measures have been less severe, and the effects less dramatic, but the result has been little or no growth. The British situation is a reminder to us of the folly of slashing government expenditure during a downturn.

So what now for the UK? Their austerity measure didn't work, so what's to be done?

More austerity, dammit! The British economy must be brought back from the dead, but first they must kill the patient.

On This Day

Passchaendale 1917: the aftermath

In commemorating each year the landings at Anzac Cove back in 1915, we pay tribute to the brave men and women who died so that we might enjoy the freedoms and prosperity we today enjoy.

It is a day for remembrance.

We remember the sort of country that our grandfathers and great-grandfathers fought and (in many cases) died for. A country that has long since passed. A country that the men who climbed Chunuk Bair or who waded through the mud of Flanders would barely recognise were they alive today.

We fought alongside our Australian allies as brothers in two world wars, and in the ordeal of battle a close bond was forged between the two nations. But where we were once equals, now they are the masters. Today almost all of our trading banks are owned by our Australian mates. Bank profits continue to increase, and almost all of this money goes back into the hands of Australian shareholders.

Memorial, Chunuk Bair

We also fought to preserve our nation from the tyranny of foreign invaders. It is a war we seem to have lost, even if the power exerted by our foreign masters is much more subtle than the sort of tyranny we feared back when militaristic nations such as Hitler's Germany and imperial Japan were menacing the peace.

Today we find ourselves losing control of our economic sovereignty, slowly and gradually, as successive governments parade New Zealand's virtues as a free and open economy where everything is for sale. Whether it's our power companies, our banks, our financial institutions, or our farmlands, everything is available for purchase.  Because we have been so dismally poor at growing our own prosperity, we cannot match the big dollars coming in from overseas.

Once all of our major power companies are owned by foreign shareholders (and we will probably have lost this battle within the next ten years), we will have lost control of yet another vital resource. We already have little control over the financial institutions that rule our lives, and most of the major media and telecommunication companies are already in foreign hands. Our farmlands and agricultural enterprises are slowly, gradually, being purchased by a succession of Australian, European and Chinese investors, who see the value in what we have got, even though we are too stupid as a nation to see it for ourselves. Our stockmarket is dominated by  overseas-owned companies.

War cemetery, Etaples, Northern France,
where 260 New Zealanders lie buried

That doesn't mean we must shut the door to foreign investment. We need foreign capital to help us to grow our economy and build our prosperity. But we are doing it all wrong. Allowing overseas investors just to buy up all of our strategic assets, with little or no consideration for the national interest, is not the way to grow our economy.

The passing of each war veteran leaves us with a sense of sadness, and in ten years there will be almost nobody alive who fought in World War Two. But would the men who fought in North Africa, the Pacific and Italy even recognise the country we will be in ten years?

They fought to preserve our sovereignty and independence. We let them down when we allowed our politicians to piss it all away.

Booze-busting Banks Divides ACT

A bitter fight has erupted within the ACT Party over the decision by leader John Banks to vote against keeping the alcohol purchasing age at 18.

The move by Banks to support measures to further control the supply of liquor has some party strategists worried. They are concerned that an increasingly sober populace in control of its senses and making sensible voting choices would be a disaster for the party.

The issue has led to divisions within the party, and questions being raised about whether John Banks is the right person to lead the ACT Party.

The party's annual conference, which took place over the weekend in a bus shelter in Parnell, highlighted a number of differences of opinion between party members on the direction ACT should take.

A small but vocal faction appears determined to return ACT to its libertarian foundations, while another faction continues to push for more conservative policies.

A third faction failed to attend the party conference, because it was back at its house in front of its PC writing rambling and angry comments on Kiwiblog about the evils of socialism, and blaming everyone but itself for its fall into disgrace and ruination.

Of all the policies ACT has advocated, it is the alcohol age one that threatens to fatally divide the party.

"People need to be drinking more," said the party's president Chris Simmons. "If we can grow the level of intoxication throughout society, especially at election time, there's a chance a few voters might stumble into polling booths drunk and accidentally vote for us.

"What we don't need are wowsers like John Banks telling people they can't drink and make disastrous voting decisions. ACT stands for freedom and liberty, and we strongly believe that everyone should be free to make terrible, terrible mistakes."

Former MP John Boscawen admitted he had "some concerns" about the decision by John Banks to vote for the alcohol law change.

"Young people are particularly stupid when they come into contact with alcohol," said Mr Boscawen, "and when they're that tanked up anything can happen.

"Sure, some of these kids will drink so much that they end up falling into a gutter or getting into trouble with the police. But some of them will join ACT on Campus."

In Which Mexicans Are Not Labelled Uneducated Woman-Haters

On Kiwiblog David Farrar demands that attention be paid to what David Parker said about Mexico.

Because pointing out the bleeding obvious about Mexico (a low wage economy where thousands of US jobs have been exported over the years by companies looking to cut costs) is exactly like a Minister of the Crown saying Finland "has worse unemployment than us, can hardly feed the people who live there, has a terrible homicide rate, hardly educates their people and has no respect for women."

Right?

A Plague On Both Your Polls!

Okay, can someone clever please explain the recent poll results for me?

There's no question that the Key government has been taking a hammering in the media. It's also unarguable that some of National's policies are deeply unpopular with the voters. Asset sales, the Crafar Farms issue, the Sky City pokies deal: every time there's a poll on these issues (however unscientific), the results are damning.

So if people hate these policies, why do the polls say it's business as usual for National? The possible options:

1. While the populace don't like these policies, voters think the negatives are outweighed by the good things National are doing.
2. People don't like National, but they dislike the opposition parties more.
3. The polls are unreliable/wrong.
4. It takes time for public sentiment on issues like asset sales etc. to show up in polls. People are growing  more dissatisfied with things, but it is not yet showing up in their voting choices.
5. It's all a media beat-up, and people still love Key and his government.

I don't like this government, which makes me hopelessly biased. However, if you were to ask me to pick what is going on I'd tentatively pick the fourth option. I can't see how one story after another in the media focusing on cronyism and special deals for National's mates can in the end have any effect other than to erode National's support. Good things take time!

But then I would say that. What do you think is going on in the polls?

Key Explains Sky City Deal

A guest post by John Key.

If you've been following the news you'll know that the Government has agreed to allow Sky City to install up to 500 additional gaming machines, in return for the casino building a new convention centre.

I wanted to write to explain why we made the deal, because I've been asked a lot of questions about it recently.

Some people have even suggested we acted improperly in awarding the tender to Sky City, and I've been accused of favouring a large corporation at the expense of the taxpayer, while ignoring the social cost of problem gambling.

There has been so much misinformation spread about the deal with Sky City that I felt compelled to put the record straight.

I have looked back at the process we followed when awarding the tender, and I'm very relaxed about the deal we struck with Sky City. Not as relaxed as I would be if I were enjoying a luxury spa in one of Sky City Grand Hotel's wonderful Presidential Suites, but if your budget is a more modest one, why don't you try one of their fantastically luxurious Superior King Suites? Go on, treat yourself and your loved one!

The deal represents real value to the taxpayer. Almost as much value as a night out at the casino. Relax, stay a while and spend as little or as much as you want. You're guaranteed to have a great night, and with a range of bars and some great live entertainment Sky City has something for everyone's tastes.

Some people are now claiming that the casino has exerted some sort of undue influence over me and my ministers, that I am too close to Sky City and its executives, and that the tender process has been corrupted. Let me put it in the record right now that we assessed Sky City's bid every bit as stringently as all the others on the table. But when it came time for the bidders to show their cards Sky City had the best hand. And it's no wonder, when you look at the table games available at Sky City. Baccarat, Blackjack, Poker, Roulette: you'll be impressed at the range of games you can play when you visit.

In the end we struck the best deal we could. And when it comes to deals, look no further than the Sky City Premier Rewards Programme.  Become a member now and become eligible for some great member-exclusive promotions and be in with a chance to win some fantastic prizes!

The deal of course necessitated some regulatory adjustments in order to accommodate the casino's request for more gaming machines, but if you want accommodation Sky City has a range of modern and relaxing accommodation options, whether you're in town on business or just looking for a night away with that special person. And while you're there, check out some of Sky City's award-winning restaurants.

The deal with Sky City was the very best one available at the time. Sometimes when you're in negotiations you just have to take the best deal that's on the table, and this was one such occasion. You have to know when to hold your cards, and when to fold them, when to walk away, and when to run, and I'm confident that we got the balance right.

Finally, I have made it very clear to members of my Cabinet that I expect them to maintain the very highest standards of conduct when dealing with organisations like the award winning entertainment venue Sky City. In order to avoid the appearance of undue influence I make it very clear that they are not to count their money when they are sitting at the table. There will be plenty of time for counting once the deal has been finalised.

Please Like Me

I have created one of those Facebook page things for my blog.

I'm trying to get the hang of Facebook, though I find it a bewildering place, and I remain convinced that despite all my best efforts to navigate Facebook's privacy settings, large corporations are storing away data about me that they will use to discredit me when I run for US President in 2024 (it will take that long to get the constitutional amendment through).

But those same large corporations have probably already planted microchips in my brain while I was asleep, so they already know everything about me. So, I figured, what did I have to lose?

Please go over and like or follow my page, whatever the heck it is the kids nowadays call it. The link's on the left-hand sidebar.

If you don't do so this instant I shall blog to the world about your terrible secret. Yes, I know what you were doing that day!

Smoking Studies For Schools?

So it turns out that John Key was the one who came up with the idea of giving a bunch more pokie machines to Sky City in return for a convention centre.

It's the kind of innovative forward-thinking we have come to expect from our PM, and it demonstrates yet again that National leads the way when it comes to generating ideas that will grow corporate profits at the expense of the community and, ultimately, the taxpayer.

So if Key can come up with one great idea, he must have had others. You bet!

• Provide millions of dollars to the owners of a football stadium, in return for requiring the owners to put a reminder in their Outlook calendar: "Must organise insurance."
• Spend hundreds of millions of dollars bailing out the investors of failed finance companies that Treasury has failed to properly monitor, in return for a promise by finance company heads not to engage in such greedy recklessness until next time.
• Change our employment laws to take rights away from workers, in return for a Hollywood movie studio making a film in New Zealand. 
• Build more expensive motorways at the behest of the trucking industry, in return for mumble mumble, quick, change the subject!
• Exempt most big polluters from the Emissions Trading Scheme, but there doesn't have to be any benefit to the community, and if you question this then YOU MUST BE HATING ON OUR FARMERS! YOU HATER!

So what now for Key? If I were a gambling man, here's where I'd put the taxpayer's money next:

• Allow daycare centres to serve alcohol to kids, and require the liquor industry to subsidise the booze for 12 months.
• Allow the tobacco industry to market and sell cigarettes to minors, and change the school curriculum to include Smoking Studies as a subject, but require tobacco companies to fund a brief and ineffectual no-smoking campaign.

Who could possibly object to such measures? We would only be letting the market operate more freely.

Can This Many Racists Be Wrong?

"I'm not racist, but [insert ethnicity] people really are dirty and unreliable and cook smelly food".

(Answer: Yes)

North Koreans Celebrate Sinking Of Titanic By Infant Kim

Hundreds of thousands of people have gathered in public squares in North Korea to celebrate a century since the birth of the nation's founder Kim Il-Sung.

The celebrations included an enormous fireworks display, and a parade of tanks through the capital Pyongyang that stretched for miles.

But the biggest treat for the masses gathered in Pyongyang's main square was hearing their new leader, Kim Jong Un, speak in public for the first time.

Kim Jong Un used the speech to emphasis the need to maintain his nation's military might. But he also took the opportunity to gloat over the destruction of the SS Titanic, the famous luxury liner that sank on the very day Kim Il-Sung, his grandfather, was born.

Kim recalled with relish the last moments of the doomed ship as it slipped under the waves "taking with it hundreds of decadent Westerners, on the very day my beloved heroic grandfather was born." 

He told the thousands gathered in the square that the occurrence of two such monumental events on the same day was no coincidence.

"Even as a newborn baby our nation's heroic founder was active in pursuing capitalists to their graves", said Kim.

Further lavish celebrations of the sinking of the Titanic had been planned by the regime, including the screening of James Cameron's epic movie Titanic in public squares all around the nation. However, these were called off after initial screenings of the movie sparked riots and mass protests.

Kim did not refer to these troubles in his speech, but observers say Kim's promise in his speech to increase the food ration to starving citizens is an acknowledgement that he is facing a crisis.

However, it is unclear whether the promise to increase the food ration from 500 gms to 800 gms of grass a day will satisfy a disaffected populace, and fears are growing that the situation may be beyond the regime's control. 

The North Korean news agency is reporting that the violence and protests arose as a result of "foreign infiltrators and spies fomenting disorder amongst the peaceful North Korean people". But unofficial sources say the regime's moves to celebrate the Titanic's sinking was the last straw for a nation of people already hungry and in despair.

In one case a protester in North Korea's second-biggest city, Hamhung, reportedly set himself on fire on the steps of the town hall in protest at his government's actions.

"We have no food, no money, and no hope, and now you want to make us listen to Celine Dion?" the man reportedly shouted at officials before setting himself alight. 

Who Remembers the MV Doña Paz?

"Perhaps the worst maritime disaster in modern history," according to One News' Garth Bray last night.

That is of course bullshit.

1523 people perished when the Titanic sank, which is a respectable number if one measures disasters by loss of life.

But about 9500 people are thought to have died when a Soviet submarine torpedoed the German ship MV Wilhelm Gustluff in 1945. Most of the dead were civilians. An estimated 4000 were children.

Another German ship, the MV Goya, was sunk in the same manner in 1945, leading to the loss of about 7000 lives, a mixture of civilians and military personnel.

Okay, so those disasters happened during wartime. I could have listed a bunch of other wartime maritime catastrophes in which the death toll exceeded that of the Titanic, and details of these aren't hard to find.

The Titanic isn't even the worst peacetime maritime disaster. In 1987 more than 4000 people died when the Philippine ferry MV Doña Paz sank, and more than 1800 people died when the Senegalese ferry MV Le Joola capsized less than ten years ago.

I guess when it comes to African or Asian people perishing in vast numbers, the media and Hollywood just don't care.

One thing we can say with some confidence about the Titanic sinking is that it is the worst maritime disaster in modern history involving an iceberg.

Who Will Save Us From These Liars?

National appears to be about to break an election promise, and this one appears to be a whopper.

As Anthony Robins at The Standard reveals, National promised last year to maintain a majority shareholding stake in each state-owned enterprise, by owning more than 51 per cent of each company.

Now the plan appears to have changed. National will now insist on 51% control, but not 51% ownership.

This would allow more than 49% of the shares in some state-owned assets to be sold, if some of those shares are non-voting shares.

Non-voting shares are special classes of shares that are sometimes issued to investors. They usually prevent the shareholder from voting on matters relating to the company, such as the appointment of directors. But non-voting shares will usually allow their holders to take a share of the profits in the company proportionate with their shareholding.

The measure, if passed, would allow the majority of the profits in some SOEs to go to private investors, rather than to the government. We were told again and again that this would not happen.

If National plans to honour the promise it made in 2011 then this measure should not be required. National cannot issue more than 49% of the shares in any SOE under any circumstances (voting or otherwise) without breaking its promise.

So what's going on? Does this government really have such a low regard for the commitments it makes to the general public?

Now I'm sure some of National's apologists will be along soon to make the argument that majority control somehow amounts to majority ownership, and I very much look forward to seeing the contortions they are required to undergo in order to conflate control with ownership. The two are not the same, period.

But this measure can be stopped. It is not yet law. The man and the hour may be just about to meet. This country needs a hero, someone who will go in gangsta style in defence of reason and common sense. Is there such a man?

Helping North Korea

Apparently the rocket fired by North Korea fell well short of its intended target.

It's a lucky thing, but we can't always be certain North Korea's missiles will come up short.

Happily, New Zealand can play a big part in neutralising North Korea's missile programme, and in making the region safe for neighbours of the rogue regime.

Let's send our Treasury officials to assist North Korea's rocket scientists. That way we can be certain that the regime's rockets fall well short of their projected targets.

Thank You For Helping

Dear Cameron,

I'm writing just to let you know I'm loving your work. You are in fine form, my friend!

Your efforts on behalf of the Ports of Auckland have been a big help, and I wanted to thank you personally for what you've done to date.

I've also been impressed with your contribution to the Talleys industrial dispute. Your ongoing involvement makes it more likely than not that we'll get the right result.

And your achievement in keeping the ACC debacle at or near the front page of most newspapers deserves recognition.

I don't even care whether it's you doing all this great stuff, or that bloke Lusk. It's your blogsite and you deserve all the credit.

I just think you're doing a wonderful job. Keep up the good work!

Yours sincerely
A Labour supporter

This Week's Political Gallery

Headline Of The Year

Op-Ed: Bob Mittsky's Week

Hard-hitting left-wing columnist and Chairman of the Workers Solidarity Party of Aotearoa, Bob Mittsky, with his take on events of the last week.

Monday

So the Colmar Brunton opinion poll claims to show that National are as popular as ever. What garbage. Polls can't be trusted. Opinion polls are nothing more than a reflection of the untruths and distortions fed to us by the mainstream media. Of course they show the government remains popular. They would though, wouldn't they? Just about every journo and pundit in this country has bought into the lies of that arch-capitalist John Key, and the gullible public are happy to be led like sheep.

Everyone knows these polls are heavily biased towards the right, because of a whole bunch of factors so obvious that I choose not to repeat them here.

I say to hell with the latest poll. The word on the street when I talk to fellow members of my revolutionary council is that this government has let the people down. I couldn't name a single member of my party's Politburo who voted for National in 2011.

Comrades, let us create our own glorious reality by ignoring these merchants of inconvenient statistics. Down with the polls!

Tuesday

Today I read that the government is pushing ahead with its pokie machine deal with Sky City. In an even more disturbing development I learned today that Sky City are paying so-called journalists big money just to show up.

Paul Henry and Mike Hosking have their noses well and truly in the trough. I was outraged to learn how much they are earning off the backs off the poor. I should have negotiated a better package.

Wednesday

I didn't think I could ever feel more disgusted with this government than I do this week.

Gerry Brownlee has apologised to the people of Finland for offending their delicate sensibilities.

When I think of what the Finnish murderers did to those brave Soviet boys in 1939-40 I ask myself this: why would we apologise to such a nation of savages? All Stalin asked for in 1939 was for Finland to dismantle all its defences, cede large amounts of territory, and effectively become a puppet state of the USSR. The Russians had no choice but to engage in an anticipatory retaliation when all of these entirely reasonable demands were refused. Finnish monsters!

If our government had any guts we'd have gone to war with Finland years ago.

Thursday

The latest Roy Morgan poll shows a sharp dip in support for National. Good news for once!

I can't wait to see how National and their flunkies try to explain away the bad polling. My advice to the public is not to buy their spin for a moment. The people have spoken, and the polls don't lie!

Friday

When our glorious People's Revolution finally arrives you may rest assured that the Good Friday holiday will disappear, as will every other symbol of that odious Christian religion.

You may then be wondering why I have been hanging our with the Destiny Church crowd, and giving sermons to packed auditoriums in South Auckland. But let me explain.

It isn't easy being the chairman of a small and poorly funded party like the Workers Solidarity Party of Aotearoa, and sometimes it seems like we just can't catch a break. But when I'm giving a sermon about the redemptive power of Christ and I look out across the audience and see all those people believing without thinking, following every instruction given to them, and giving all their money to their leaders, I am filled with hope.

Saturday

Overwhelmed with disgust to learn that the Maritime Union are talking again to the hated bosses. No! Don't talk, smash them! Throw the bodies of your starving wives and emaciated children into the paths of their lorries in order to slow them down, but don't let them win!

Sunday

A day of rest for the workers, a holiday earned only because of the unceasing efforts of the trade unions and the solidarity of workers.

I spent the day at home listening to my Billy Bragg collection, and for dinner ordered pizza. They were late with my order, so I kicked the delivery guy in the face, took the food, and refused to pay. I'm making a stand for consumer rights and, anyway, he wasn't union.

Judean Sentencing Trust Praises Get-Tough Law And Order Measures

The Judean Sentencing Trust has welcomed the execution of Jesus Christ.

Christ was crucified on Friday at the order of the Roman prefect Pontius Pilate, after being accused of plotting treason against the Roman Empire.

A spokesperson for the Judean Sentencing Trust said the Romans has been right to take stern action against a known troublemaker and corrupter of youth.

"It's about time a hard line was taken against these people," said the group's spokesperson Gaius Vicarius.

"We're delighted the Roman authorities have finally decided to crack down against law-breakers.

"No doubt some liberal handwringers will be appalled that the Romans finally did something about this troublemaker.

"But all that shows is that those do-gooders who sit in their villas reading Greek philosophy are completely out of touch with the feelings of ordinary decent Judeans," said Mr Vicarius.

"To those self-important eminences in their marble towers Jesus was just some harmless religious crank who preached forgiveness and love.

"But if such perverse doctrines were allowed into our schools they would lead to a disastrous lowering of community standards, a disregard for authority, and a degradation of common morality. Thank goodness, then, that someone finally took a stand for decency."

Mr Vicarius acknowledged that pressure exerted by the Judean Sentencing Trust had played a part in the decision to execute Christ.

"We were disappointed when we heard the Roman prefect, Pontius Pilate, wasn't planning to take action against this corrupter of morals.

"It was only after lobbying by our members that he changed his mind. We are obviously disappointed that it took our intervention before Pilate acted, but we are pleased the right decision was made in the end."

An Apology To Judith Collins

Dear Ms Collins,

Your threat to sue two MPs and one news outlet for defamation left me in a panic. Had I exposed myself to litigation? I had to rush back and read a number of my blogposts, in case the language I used might in any way have offended you.

You are clearly not a person to be messed with. I'm sure many of your colleagues admire your habitual aggression in dealing with your political opponents (and with any taxpayer-funded news outlets that get in the way), and you are certainly living up to your "Crusher" nickname. Finally. How many cars have you had crushed to date? Two? Three?

Naturally, some people might take exception to your actions, on the basis that you are using the legal system in an effort to squash any sort of public discussion of your role in the ACC scandal.

You do have a natural advantage over some of your opponents, what with being a senior lawyer and knowing the legal system so well. Goodness, you were a former Auckland District Law Society President, and New Zealand Law Society Vice-President.

So it's understandable that you would fly to the law the moment someone challenged your version of events in the ACC scandal.

It's also handy that you have the money to use the court system to your advantage, because your government has managed to all but destroy the legal aid system, and legal aid lawyers are becoming few and far between. Litigation is a rich man's (and woman's) sport.

I expect your lawsuit will cost you a pretty penny, even if you get mates' rates. It will also cost your opponents thousands of dollars, even though for the life of me I can't quite see what wrongs Mr Little and Mr Mallard committed against you. You clearly take your reputation seriously, and appear willing to pursue those who transgress against you in what appears at best to be a speculative lawsuit. Still, I suppose you know how the system works, and no doubt you'll be hoping the defendants back down in the end.

I'd love to know exactly what wrong you think Radio New Zealand committed against you. They were merely the conduit through which the alleged defamatory remarks passed. Now you and I know that's not necessarily a defence against defamation, but it's still pretty tough on a public broadcaster struggling with a budgetary freeze. What were they meant to do? Pre-record all interviews and then submit all criticisms of your performance to your office for vetting?

So anyway, I am writing to apologise to you. For anything I may have ever said or done to offend you. For being critical of your performance and the performance of your government. For implying that the Key government habitually uses intimidation and legal processes to stifle political dissent.

Clearly your reputation is of such importance to you that no form of criticism can be countenanced. As one who has been critical of National and of your performance as a minister, this puts me at risk of being sued by you.

I don't wish to be sued, so please accept my apology.

Labour To Blame For Legal Costs

The Finance Minister has confirmed that Treasury is yet again revising its budgetary estimates.

Bill English has long predicted that the government's books will be in surplus by the 2014/15 financial year.

However, a predicted massive hike in legal costs to the Crown has forced Treasury to take another look at the Government's accounts.

In particular, the prospect of ministers resorting in the future to taxpayer-funded litigation each and every time anyone says anything mildly critical about them, is expected to add a significant amount to the cost of running the country.

Treasury officials are particularly concerned that it would not be hard for anyone to come up with plenty of damning things to say about most members of John Key's Cabinet.

Mr English today urged restraint, saying that the country could not afford any more criticism of Government ministers.

"We are in tough economic times," said Mr English, "and that means we must all make sacrifices.

"I'm confident that the taxpayers of New Zealand understand that in the current environment it just isn't financially responsible for people to go about criticising members of this government."

Mr English said he did not accept that his ministerial colleagues were wasting taxpayer money by resorting to ridiculous lawsuits in order to stifle criticism.

"People like Judith Collins have a right to use legal action to cling desperately to what little reputation they have left.

"And let's not lose sight of the fact that the real culprits are the Labour opposition. Labour are entirely to blame for this expected litigation blowout.

"If the likes of Trevor Mallard and Andrew Little would just stop exposing our incompetence we wouldn't have any need to sue them."

A Career Change

Some of you who follow me on Twitter will be aware I am pursuing a change of career.

In short, I have just left my old comfortable legal job in a largish firm. I didn't tell my colleagues the truth about what I am planning to do, because I didn't want to be the target of their derision.

I'm only telling you now because it's just a matter of time before people start talking. So my secret may as well be out in the open, and anyway it's nothing to be ashamed of.

There's nothing wrong with becoming a funeral home assistant. Some people will find it difficult to understand why anyone would choose handling bodies for their day-job, but for me it's much more than just a day-job.

It's a chance to have a go at something I'm passionate about and to make a difference. I finally have the chance to help grieving families by being a sympathetic voice, to provide comfort and support to the bereaved, and to be around all those cool dead bodies.

Most people don't enjoy funerals, but I've always loved them, to the point of wishing elderly relatives would pass on quicker so we can get the ceremonies under way. What I love about these occasions is the dignity and solemnity of the gathered mourners, and the sense that a cherished and loved person has moved on to another place.

I especially love open casket funerals. Those dead bodies are so cool to touch!

It's surprising how much work goes into organising a funeral. I have so much to learn, but like everyone I have to start at the bottom. I'm doing my apprenticeship with a firm in West Auckland, learning the ropes under an experienced boss who has seen it all and done it all, and who has a million war stories to tell. He has seen so many gruesome sights: people incinerated in fires, mangled bodies pulled from car accidents, and bloated and decomposing drowning victims dragged from the sea weeks after first going missing. I'm green with envy!

My boss told me about one guy whose funeral he had to handle. This guy was working at an industrial-size wood-chipper machine, and got pulled into the feeder when his jacket got stuck in the mechanism. You can imagine what got spat out the other end of the machine. The guy came to the funeral home in a series of plastic bags. I reckon it would have been a totally awesome body to handle, but I'm sure I'll have a few fun stories of my own soon enough.

Admittedly my boss thinks my obsession with prodding and sniffing the bodies that come in is a bit odd, but he reckons the novelty will soon wear off. As for me, well I'm not so sure. Why shouldn't I enjoy being around the people I work with? The human body has so many amazing secrets to tell, but most of us are too scared to get stuck in and get our hands dirty. Death isn't something to be ashamed of or freaked out by. In the end all that gets left behind is this really cool and interesting collection of skin, meat and bone. So why can't we have a little fun with it?

I should clarify that by "fun" I'm not talking about any of that weird sexual stuff. Apparently that sort of thing is rife within the industry, but I haven't tried it yet.

So wish me well in my new venture, and I promise to occasionally write about the particularly awesome bodies I get to play with. And if I can post photos (I'll have to check the protocols on doing this first) I will!