My 2013 Resolutions

I haven't been blogging much lately, so I suppose that means I must be having a relaxing holiday. I've barely looked at a computer screen for two weeks, unless the Kindle counts.

But never fear, because I've been making plans, and with a new year comes a list of resolutions: things I can improve on, things I can do better. Because I am willing share everything but my bed with you, let me tell you what my resolutions are.

• Eat more pies. I really have let myself go here. I used to be an avid pie eater, but the pressure to eat sensibly has weighed heavily upon my shoulders in recent years. But why should I miss out on those pastry treats? This is MY year!
• Post more holiday photos. I sometimes wonder if this blog has become just a little too stale. Maybe I could liven things up with a series of posts describing where I went on my holidays, what I ate, which shows I saw, and how many kilometres I jogged. I know there's a willing audience waiting to lap this sort of thing up. I'm an interesting and important person, right?
• Put my blog behind a paywall. A boring old man who writes for the NBR once told me I was nuts to give my content out for free. I was about to tell him I would be nuts to pay to read anything he wrote online, but mercifully good manners prevailed. He's right though. This is the year I monetise my blog. Ads, pop-up boxes, links to online gambling sites, and of course a paywall. I'm gonna be rich!
• Pontificate more. If one should just happen to be blessed with the wisdom of Solomon then one would really have a responsibility to share that wisdom with the world. So I intend to spend more time passing judgment on people I don't know based on scant evidence, and claiming I have all the answers to critical and pressing problems. What could be more enjoyable than reading a series of blogposts where someone who knows nothing about a particular topic beyond what he read on Stuff argues vehemently that a group of people with different views on the topic are monstrously wrong?
• Win Cactus Kate over to Labour. This should be easy. Her views on poverty and welfare might seem extreme to the average leftie, but guarantee her a safe place on Labour's 2014 list and I reckon she'd be ours. 
• Become a god. I wanted to include this resolution, although I haven't really thought through how it is going to work. I figure if I can knock the first five resolutions off before the end of June, then that will give me six whole months to come into my godhood.  I know any crackpot can set up a religion and call himself or herself a god, but I want actual god powers, and if I can't smite people or walk on water then it won't be worth the effort. Still, if my third resolution comes off and I can get people to pay for my content then it will be a f**cking miracle, so I suppose I'll be there already.