Richard Prosser's top tips for flying

Guest columnist Richard Prosser has some great ideas on how to make your flight a more enjoyable and comfortable experience

Always carry a knife: You never know when one of those stone-age religion types might decide to sit next to you.

Take a good book. You need something to while away the hours, and nothing beats a good read.

Anything will do, provided it isn't one of them learning books.

Sit near the back: The terrorists always take the front seats, because the only way they can hijack the plane is to storm the cockpit. You're better off staying well to the rear, where you can organise countermeasures quietly and without being noticed.

If the terrorists do manage to take the plane down, you're more likely to survive if you're sitting at the back.

Be proactive: Everyone is a potential enemy. Keep your eyes open, and be prepared to move if you detect any potential threats. Don't wait for them to make the first move.

See that young woman in the row of seats in front of you? The one wearing a hijab and nursing a baby? She's almost certainly plotting to bring that bird down, and she won't hesitate to sacrifice her baby if it means killing a few Christians. You need to take her out, and fast.

Don't hold back just because the baby might get hurt. Little Mohamed is almost certainly in on the plot.

Watch the food: The airline stewards always serve the special meals first. If anyone's ordered Halal they'll get their meal early. This will enable you to quickly identify who the terrorists on your plane are.

And we all know that terrorists don't drink, so if the swarthy-looking man sitting next to you orders juice instead of a beer or wine, stab him in the chest.

Read the in-flight magazine:  And imagine how much better and more hard-hitting it would be if Ian Wishart were the editor.

Did you know that all those glossy locations you're reading about in that magazine are full of Muslims? Yes, I know, they've ruined it for everyone.

Always fly El Al: Israel's national airline is the safest in the world, because they take aviation security seriously. If they don't like the look of you then you won't fly.

I've always been a supporter of the peace-loving Israelis in their ongoing struggle against Islamofascism, which they fight with dignity, courage, and cluster munitions.