Imperator Fish

Please Rate This Post Between 1-10 For Offensiveness

2012-01-28T21:35:00.000+13:00

Robert Mugabe has spent decades beating down the people of Zimbabwe, but he still hasn't won, and opposition to his rule remains strong.

And yet the Black Caps destroyed Mugabe's beloved Zimbabwe's cricket team in less than three days.

Zimbabwean opposition, get your shit together!

Not Petty

2012-01-28T21:11:00.000+13:00

In order to prove conclusively that I'm not vindictive or petty, and that I don't hold grudges, I am reposting a piece I published in June 2011.

Medical Shock As Bomber Bradbury Runs Out Of Opinions

In a shock announcement, radio and TV host and blogger Martyn “Bomber” Bradbury has announced he has run out of opinions.

Bradbury is well known for expressing strong opinions on just about every topic. Bradbury regularly uses his radio and TV appearances to castigate right-wing politicians, and to push his strongly leftist views on multiple issues.

But on Friday morning Bradbury was rushed to hospital after experiencing a sudden opinion failure.

Speaking from his hospital bed, Bradbury explained what happened.

“I was in the midst of typing a scathing blogpost eviscerating John Key’s evil National government for the steaming pile of dog-turd it has become, and explaining why we needed a Mana Party world government, when suddenly my hands dropped from the keyboard and I felt an overwhelming sense of numbness.

“I knew something was wrong, because I felt this sudden release, as if all the seething righteous indignation was being voided from my body. That’s when I called 111.”

There is little doubt that the experience has changed Bradbury immeasurably. When shown a photograph of the Prime Minister, Bradbury said “he’s got a nice smile.”

And when asked what he thought about the Business Roundtable, Bradbury visibly shrugged, saying “I’m sure they’re a decent bunch of blokes.”

Doctors say there is no cure, and treatment options are limited. Bradbury’s condition, known as Opinion Deficit Syndrome, is seldom fatal but is difficult to treat.

But sufferers of the disease can be managed back into the community, and can lead fulfilling lives.

Dr Sinead Erbeck of Auckland University Medical School said that the best treatment for Opinion Deficit Syndrome was an opinion transplant.

“The medical literature shows that the most effective course of treatment is for the patient to be encouraged to take the opinions of others and adopt them as if they are their own," said Dr Erbeck.

“The risk of opinion rejection can be extremely high in the early days of the operation. However, given time, patients can look forward to a full recovery and a rewarding new career as a politician, PR consultant or lawyer.”

Bradbury said he had not thought much about a career outside opinion-based broadcasting.

“I never thought I’d feel this creeping sense of numbness, of nothingness. It’s like someone has taken my soul.

“Public relations, you say?”

He May Be Half-Right

2012-01-27T20:47:00.000+13:00

Bomber Bradbury writes:

Terrible news that 'The Standard' has terminal cancer. I don't read 'The Standard' much, so appreciate I am coming to this issue late, but it is terribly sad that they now have the tedious and dreadfully dull Imperator Fish as a regular columnist in their attempt at a broadening humor that will appeal beyond their fetish with Farrar and Slater (for the record Farrar and Slater are supposed to be mocked, not taken seriously).

Why The Standard thinks it needs more of a sanctimonious whiney tone by bringing on Imperator Fish is anyone's guess, next they'll be appointing Tim Watkins as Editor and anyone who wrote for The Listener post Findlay McDonald.

Eeeew.

The Standard will be sadly missed.

I don't make a habit of feuding with other bloggers, and Bomber is perfectly entitled to consider me "dreadfully dull" (and if you met me in real life you would probably concur).

But I do wonder how someone as hectoring and opinionated as Bomber can describe The Standard as having a "sanctimonious whiney tone" without a hint of irony.

Sonny Bill Has No Plans To Sleep With You

2012-01-27T13:57:00.000+13:00

The stock market dipped sharply in trading today, after no stories appeared in any of the major newspapers about Sonny Bill Williams for almost two hours.

There were some signs of a rally early in the afternoon, as traders took a punt that one of the television current affairs shows would run a story about the sportsman before the end of the day.

But the rally was short-lived, after it was revealed TVNZ’s current affair show Close Up would run stories about transgender traffic wardens and the affordability of methamphetamine for many struggling families, and after TV3’s rival show Campbell Live announced plans to run a 30 minute promotion on its latest talent-reality-survivor-traffic-accident show.

The NZX 50 closed down 421 points, as traders abandoned previously solid stocks and threw their money into safer investments such as gold, overseas bonds and disposable diapers. Media stocks took a particular hammering. The absence of any reports today on who Sonny Bill Williams had coffee with, is sleeping with, or is about to use as a punching bag, led to intense anxiety across financial markets, and speculation that the dearth of Sonny Bill stories would drive a number of media organisations into insolvency.

Late this afternoon New Zealand Herald editor Shayne Currie issued an apology to readers for his newspaper’s lapse.

“I can assure you that we take very seriously our responsibility to readers to provide the very best in news and current affairs,” said Mr Currie.

“On this occasion there has been a regrettable lapse. However, we have reviewed our internal systems and can assure the public that, as well as providing the very best in shark news, the New Zealand Herald will from this day forward provide wall to wall coverage of everything Sonny Bill says, does or excretes.”

Mr Currie said he could not talk any more about the lapse, as it was now an “employment issue” for the staff-members concerned.

It is believed that Sonny Bill William's
management team is not at this time
considering the remilitarisation of
the Rhineland by their star.

Update: Fears that international markets might plummet overnight eased, as it became clearer that Sonny Bill Williams is unlikely to contest the US Presidential contest for the Republican Party.

Pundits have been speculating on whether a latecomer would join the Republican nomination race, but an expert in US electoral law said Sonny Bill would not be eligible to become President.

“Sonny Bill wasn’t born in the US, so he can’t stand for the highest office without a constitutional amendment,” said Dr John Wainburger of the Washington Freedom Institute.

“In any event, Republican voters would never support a Muslim candidate. Even one as hot as Sonny Bill. Don’t tell my wife I said this, but I’ve seen pictures of the guy with his shirt off, so please tell him that if he ever decides to try out an alternative lifestyle I would be happy to, er, put him through his paces.”

A Prediction

2012-01-27T08:25:00.000+13:00

I'm usually wary of making economic predictions, but here's one I am happy to make.

We will not have a budget surplus in 2014/5.

Here's another prediction: over the next 12 months Treasury growth forecasts will continue to trend downwards, and Bill English will continue to blame every government failure on what is going on overseas.

If this government is so powerless to influence the course of our own economy, why did Key and English so boldly pronounce a return to surplus in 2014/5?

President Newt?

2012-01-26T21:14:00.000+13:00

Spare a thought for our US friends. Their economy may be a powerhouse (even if at present it is staggering a bit), but when it comes to "government of the people, by the people, for the people", they are little better than animals.

That one of the current group of Republican crazies running for office may become President in a year or so is difficult to imagine. Yet it remains a possibility. It would be like Don Brash becoming PM here. Oh, wait, that almost happened...

Previously the Republican nomination race was regarded as being a non-contest. Mitt Romney was supposed to have it sorted and was a sure thing. However, Newt Gingrich's victory in South Carolina has upset most predictions and given the former House Speaker huge momentum. There are plenty of reasons why voters ought to dislike Romney, not the least being his evasiveness when queried over tax matters and his insistence that being a cut-throat businessman would make him a good leader of the nation.

But the thing his Republican rivals seem most fixated on is the fact he's a Mormon. Go figure.

Maybe hardcore Republicans are wired differently. That might explain their inability to see what seems to be in plain view. Take Newt Gingrich as an example. He's now being billed as a "conservative revolutionary", as if the two concepts aren't contradictory, and the "grassroots" candidate. But Gingrich is as Establishment as they come, having been Republican House Speaker (before being dumped after an ethics scandal), and he's been a Washington insider for the better part of 30 years.

That ethics scandal would be enough to send most politicians into permanent disgrace, but not Gingrich. Nor does it seem to matter that during the period when he was attacking Bill Clinton over the Lewinsky affair he was himself engaged in an adulterous affair. I guess some people can forgive any sort of dishonesty and hypocrisy in a candidate, so long as he's not a Mormon.

Right now it would be easy to dismiss the entire Republican Party as a joke, and assume that Barack Obama will clean the floor come November. This would be a mistake. How many of us were convinced that the village idiot by the name of George W. Bush would never be elected, or re-elected?

The Republicans have a got shot at winning because, for all his grand eloquence, for all his stirring oratory, Barack Obama has been a colossal disappointment. He promised change and a new approach, but has delivered precious little. Washington is run by corporate lobbyists, and the House representatives who make the laws spend most of their time either campaigning for office or fundraising. The two-yearly electoral cycle contributes to corporate capture of the political system and makes it difficult for politicians to enact policies harmful to big business.

This is why the Democrats blew the once-in-a-generation opportunity they had in 2008 to reform the entire system. They controlled the House and Senate, and their man was in the White House. But the Democrat Party are so compromised by corporate lobbyists and so divided that they couldn't organise a brawl in a Mongrel Mob vs Black Power rugby league game.

So why would people vote for the party that promised change and delivered more of the same? They may as well give their vote to that other party of snake-oil salespeople. Or just stay home and not vote at all.

There's plenty of time to go, and maybe the Republican nominee will turn out to be the campaign trainwreck we all expect him to be. But I'm not willing to put my money on an Obama victory, and I can well imagine that come this time next year they'll be inaugurating President Mitt. Or President Newt.

Buying Our Land

2012-01-26T13:52:00.000+13:00

David Shearer brings many things to the role as Labour leader, but one thing he doesn't bring is baggage.

Shearer has been in Parliament for less than three years, and has never been a Government MP. So attacks by John Key on Labour's record in office, like this one, ought to bounce right off him.

With the Crafar Farms sale Shearer has found an issue that resonates with the public. Many people fear we are in danger of losing our best productive assets to overseas buyers.

But it isn't enough for Shearer just to grandstand. Labour needs to set out clearly what sorts of foreign investment and foreign capital are wanted, and what sorts we can do without.

New Zealand businesses are often starved of capital, and foreign investment can help fund their growth. Overseas companies will also often have expertise and networks that can help New Zealand businesses to expand. So we should be wary about any campaign generally against foreign ownership or investment.

What we need to encourage is the right sort of investment.

But what exactly is the right sort? For example, do we insist on retaining land ownership as part of any deal? Do we exclude strategic assets of national importance from any foreign investment? If so, what do we regard as "strategic assets"? Power companies? Telcos?

If we look back at what took place with the sale of government assets in the 1980s and 1990s, we can see that some of those sales (often at bargain-basement prices and to foreign companies) offered little to New Zealand and were manifestly bad deals. The Government is at risk of repeating those same mistakes with its asset-sale programme, and in all likelihood a large number of the shares to be sold in our state-owned assets will end up in the hands of overseas companies.

New Zealand's overseas investment laws are quite liberal, and most foreign investment doesn't require any sort of approval. The Overseas Investment Act 2005 currently provides that the purchase by overseas persons of certain categories of land (referred to in the Act as “sensitive land”) needs the consent of the Overseas Investment Office. Farmland is generally subject to the consent process. Some investments in New Zealand businesses also need consent, generally being those where 25% or more ownership or control is being taken and where the value of the transaction is over $100 million.

The rules about the sorts of transactions requiring consent are reasonably clear, but it might be time to have a debate about whether they are too permissive, and whether they strike the right balance.

We should also recognise that wherever we set the bar, any consent process will involve a good deal of subjective analysis by OIO officials. The criteria by which applications are to be assessed are set out in the Act and its regulations. The process requires applicants to establish, among other things, that they have good character, business experience and acumen; and that there will be a benefit to New Zealand from the investment. There seems a good deal of scope for questionable investments to be signed off, because one person's incompetent rogue will be another's upstanding and experienced businessman.

Even if the OIO recommends the acceptance of an application, the relevant Minister/s can always turn it down, although they risk a judicial review by an aggrieved applicant if there are not good grounds for their decision.

I'm not entirely sure that we could ever design a system that avoided the need for officials or ministers to exercise judgement, but it may be possible to design clearer legislative and regulatory guidelines.

I don't profess to have a magical solution, and I'm not sure what the right balance is between protecting our economic sovereignty and encouraging overseas investment. But it feels wrong to see large sections of good farmland going to overseas companies. How is selling our land going to benefit us in the long term? We have only a finite supply of the stuff. As Mark Twain famously said, they're not making it anymore.

What would you do?

Am I Underselling Myself?

2012-01-25T20:29:00.000+13:00

Debbie Mayo-Smith has a regular column in the Herald. and she offers tips on business performance. She describes herself as an “international speaker and bestselling author”. Additionally, her website boldly states:

If you want significant improvements in business performance from minimum effort or cost, you must get Debbie Mayo-Smith now.

Note the imperative. Have you called her yet? Have you? Have you? Do it! Do it now!

From New York to Borneo, Perth to London, she’s one of the most sought after inspirational, motivational, practical results oriented 'How-to' speakers.

Borneo, no less! Perhaps she was there up-skilling the native Dayak people on their telemarketing techniques, and inspiring them to better manage their email in-boxes.

I confess to having never read any of Mayo-Smith’s books, but then maybe that’s the reason why my life is collapsing around my ears. I sit here in the relaxed comfort of my happy existence, casually churning out blogposts for amusement, safe in the knowledge that there will be enough money to feed the kids and pay the mortgage. This complacency is crippling me, when I should be sending you unsolicited text messages or cold-calling you while you are eating dinner.

I am deeply impressed by the ability of Mayo-Smith to talk up her attributes. You may call it hyperbole, or something even less flattering, but it’s a style that works for some. Personally I find such forms of self-promotion as appealing as being scratched to death by a feral cat, and I make it a personal mission to run a mile from anyone in the business world who describes themselves as a “bestselling author”. This style of “positive self-esteem” is what we expect from US evangelists or motivational speakers, and it’s something we don’t see that often in New Zealand unless we’re trapped in a room being sold Amway.

Does it work, and do people buy this sort of thing? I’ve no idea. I can only report on my own feelings about such over-the-top self-promotion.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work, and maybe it's time I "blew my own trumpet" a bit more loudly. You may have noticed a new look to my blog, but I’m also thinking of adding the following under the blog title:

A powerful blogger and radio star who moves in spheres of influence and whose finger is always on the national pulse, Scott’s work will astound and overwhelm you, leaving you gasping for air and needing fresh underwear. Scott knows all the secrets, is never wrong about anything, and is a very handsome and well-dressed man who is so highly-regarded by the ladies that he has to literally run from one sold-out speaking engagement to the next to avoid being mobbed by beautiful women. If they ever get around to writing a sequel to the Bible Scott will be its main character. If you are not reading Scott’s blog or listening to his wisdom on the radio then you are a failure, a profound failure who deserves scorn, if not to be killed outright for the good of humanity, you worthless scum!. You must, must, must, read Scott’s work!

What do you think? Am I still holding too much back?

Nats Must Act Urgently To Save Us From The Sun

2012-01-24T14:00:00.001+13:00

In the Herald they’re reporting that the sun is bombarding us with radiation from the biggest solar storm in more than six years.

Six years! And what is John Key’s government doing about this crisis? I'll tell you. They’ve all buggered off to Ratana to kowtow to the locals there, even as the radiation from the sun bombards each and every one of us!

Still, it’s just what I’d expect from this radiation-friendly government. Forget the whole anti-nuclear policy that Key claims to now support. The Nats have always been lukewarm on keeping us safe from the effects of radiation, and this just provides further evidence.

If you think “so what, nothing much happened to us when this last occurred in 2005”, then you’re woefully wrong, and your profound ignorance should be placed on a pedestal so that generations of children to come may see it and be amused.

So you think 2005 wasn’t bad? Think again!

George Bush was inaugurated for his second term as President of the US
Hurricane Katrina struck
An earthquake in Kashmir killed tens of thousands
Ronnie Barker died
The Backstreet Boys re-formed.

And as if that wasn’t awful enough, the pestilential evil that was Star Wars Episode III was released that same year. I suppose the only shining light was that Episode III brought to a merciful end one of the most overblown, overrated and underwhelming movie series in cinematic history.

So the question I want answered, and that we should all be asking, is this:

John Key, what is your government doing to blot out the sun?

Police Defend Bloody Kindergarten Raid

2012-01-23T13:52:00.000+13:00

A police raid at a kindergarten this morning has led to several deaths and multiple arrests.

Police and Armed Offender units raided the Meriwether Community Kindergarten just after morning tea, but the raid turned violent when some of the children put up a fight.

Authorities raided the heavily fortified compound following a report that a toddler was refusing to go to the naughty-corner and was behaving aggressively towards kindergarten staff.

Police spokesperson Detective Inspector Steve Fink said police had been forced to present their weapons when some of the children began to cry and refused to put down their toys.

Officers opened fire when a toddler charged at police holding what appeared to be a tub of paste.

“Police had only a few seconds to assess the risk,” said Mr Fink. “They were concerned that the paste substance might be some sort of chemical weapon, so they were left with no choice but to shoot.

“When this action failed to calm the situation in the compound, police were left with no choice but to neutralise the other persons present.”

Initial reports that up to 22 people were killed have since been corrected, with the death toll believed to stand at only eleven children and three teachers.

The raid was part of a wider operation by law enforcement officials around the world against the Kindergarten Conspiracy. Police were accompanied on the raid by liaison personnel from the FBI, after an earlier tip-off that massive and systematic copyright violations were taking place at the centre.

Police say the raid had been planned for next Monday to coincide with Little Johnny’s birthday. However, Little Johnny’s tantrum this morning forced authorities to launch the assault earlier.

Mr Fink confirmed that police found an assortment of weapons, drugs and other items of interest during the assault on the compound.

“We found large quantities of Pamol in a locked cupboard in a back room, and we also located asthma drug paraphernalia in the kindergarten bag of one of the suspects.

“We also unearthed a cache of knives and guns. This weapons stash included numerous plastic playdough knives and a staple gun.

“A playdough knife can be extremely dangerous, particularly if it is being used as a flotation device on the high seas instead of a lifejacket. If these knives had found themselves on the black market we could have seen a major spike in playdough-related drownings.”

Mr Fink also confirmed that pirated material had been found at the site, including a number of crudely drawn crayon pictures of well-known cartoon characters, and a painting of a cat that looked suspiciously like Garfield.

Mr Fink said there had been a number of problems at the Community Kindergarten since its opening in 2006. These included tantrums, the pulling of hair, and numerous toileting issues.

“It was a volatile situation, where officers were being asked to enter a very challenging environment, where literally anything could have happened,” said Detective Inspector Fink.

Some witnesses have claimed that the actions of police were brutal and unnecessary, but Association of Police Officers President Craig O’Donnell has congratulated the police for their professionalism in difficult circumstances.

“The reports I’ve heard suggest that there was a real threat to the officers involved,” said Mr O’Donnell.

“Of course any loss of life is regrettable, but there will be a full and proper internal review conducted by police on themselves, during which any issues can be sorted out.

Mr O’Donnell dismissed eyewitness claims that police had brutally massacred a room full of children.

“Now, sure, with the benefit of hindsight and following a full review it might turn out that some other form of intervention would have been more appropriate than gunning down all those children. But officers have to make decisions in an instant. They are human and they get it wrong sometimes.

“But I’m absolutely confident the review will establish that, based on the facts known to officers at the time, the decision to shoot first was a reasonable one.”

“The public can be confident there is no tougher critic of police conduct that the police. Apart from the courts. And a bunch of other people and organisations for whom I have such contempt that I will not speak their names.”

Red Alert: The Best Is Yet To David Farrar

2012-01-19T20:37:00.000+13:00

The Labour Party has admitted receiving a donation to its coffers from the National Party.

National Party President Peter Goodfellow confirmed the donation yesterday. He said it was a contribution towards the costs of running Labour’s blogsite Red Alert.

“They are doing great work, and we want that to continue,” said Mr Goodfellow.

Labour Party MPs Trevor Mallard and Clare Curran, who run the Red Alert site for the party, admitted today that the donation had caught them off-guard.

“We were somewhat surprised to receive the money,” said Trevor Mallard. “Even if it turns out that the person behind it was David Farrar.”

“But Red Alert runs on a shoestring, so any offer of help is welcome. Even if it came from David Farrar.”

Clare Curran said she thought National’s donation was politically motivated, but confirmed Labour would still accept the money.

“No doubt they are thinking that if they offer us this money to keep blogging we’ll shut the site down. It’s such a typical Tory trick it must have been masterminded by David Farrar.

“Well guess what? We’re one step ahead of the game. We’ll take their money and we’ll use it to make Red Alert even louder and noisier than ever. We won’t be silenced by the enemies of democracy. Whether it’s the Greens, National, or David Farrar.”

Mr Mallard said he was looking forward to getting heavily into blogging this year.

“We’ve all had some time off and are refreshed, and we’re ready to take the battle to David Farrar.

“We want to focus on the issues that are important to ordinary New Zealanders. Jobs, the economy, and David Farrar.”

“Red Alert is the perfect vehicle to enable Labour to engage with an important demographic: the internet savvy, and David Farrar.”

Ms Curran said she was not perturbed by what many in the media and blogosphere referred to as social media own-goals from Mallard and herself.

“I’m sure most people are mature enough to see through the nonsense pedalled by the Tory media and their stooges. David Farrar,” said Ms Curran.

“We are not interested in all that negativity. We want to start a dialogue with ordinary New Zealanders about the things that matter. And David Farrar.

“Starting next week we’re going to be posting about all the things that David Farrar is wrong about. Then when we’ve done that we want to start an open discussion on all the reasons why David Farrar is an enemy of democracy. We’re hoping that by the end of it we’ll have so destroyed David Farrar’s reputation that nobody will ever again take seriously anything said or written by David Farrar.”

Trevor Mallard said he expected big things from the Labour blogsite in 2012.

“We want Labour to hit the ground running in 2012, and to push National hard. Red Alert is going to be a potent weapon in that fight. That’s why we’re going to do our own thing and not worry about what others in the media and blogosphere have to say about us. David Farrar.”

This Week

2012-01-17T19:45:00.000+13:00

I am on a blogging holiday. Just in case you were wondering.

Update: Well I guess that didn't work.

Imagine A World...

2012-01-14T07:17:00.001+13:00

... in which people who don't vote Labour and will never vote Labour stop giving David Shearer advice on what Labour should do.

Or in which people who do vote Labour but appear convinced that the answer to Labour's problems is to repeat the same mistakes decide to spend more time in the garden rather than write columns and blogposts on what Labour should do.

Heaven forfend that we should allow David Shearer five minutes to make his own decisions.

2011: The Legal Year In Review (Not)

2012-01-13T20:27:00.001+13:00

Now that 2011 is done and dusted let's review the legal year.

Okay, I'm bored just thinking about that. Let's instead examine what the craziest lawsuits of 2011 were.

How about the college student who sued a hooker for $US1.8 million, because she didn't spend enough time with him? He claimed she left half an hour early, so he demanded his $275 back, plus $1.8 million because the "tragic event" had left him "disturbed". When he originally complained to cops he was almost arrested for prostitution offences.

Or the North Carolina couple who sued an airline for US$100,000, claiming that they saw cockroaches on a flight. They claimed the sight of cockroaches crawling out of an air vent "caused great distress," and forced them to throw away clothing in their luggage for fear of roach contamination.

What about the moviegoer who sued the studio that distributed the movie Drive, because the movie had "very little driving"?

Or the kidnapper who sued his victims when they ran away. Kansas man Jesse Dimmick claimed that when a couple accepted his knife-point offer to hide in their house from the police in return for cash, they formed an oral contract with him, which he claimed they breached by running away when he slept.

Or the black woman who sued the police after they arrested her, cuffed her, put her in their car, and forced her to listen to conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh making derogatory comments about black people.

Or the woman who sued Walmart for overcharging her by two cents. She won and was awarded $100 in damages and $80 in costs.

Or the kids who sued their mother because she did outrageous things, like demanding they be home by midnight, sending them greeting cards without presents, failing to set up sufficient college funds for them, and (outrage!) daring to change her own name after her second marriage. Surprise surprise, their attorney was the woman's ex-husband and their father. Somewhat less surprising, their case was chucked out.

Or the man who sued his wedding photographer because the photographer failed to capture some of the important moments of the wedding. That's not the weird bit. The weird bit is the plaintiff demanded $48,000 to enable him to recreate the wedding and have the event re-shot by another photographer, even though the couple had by then divorced and his wife had returned to Latvia, and the plaintiff didn't even know where she lived.

Or the woman who sued the estate of a man killed by a train, claiming the man's flying body parts injured her.

Yes, 2011 was a very good year for US litigation lawyers.

(h/t Findlaw's Legally Weird blog)

Looking Forward To That Blogging Money

2012-01-11T20:38:00.001+13:00

Apparently some bloggers are getting paid big money to go feral on opponents of big business. Big money.

I'm not talking a can of coke and a $5 McDonalds voucher either, although I probably would turn class traitor for a free Big Mac.

So if $10,000-$20,000* is the going rate for turning blog tricks, as one esteemed blogger has claimed, how do I get me some?

Where do I apply for this money? Does big business use a recruitment agency for dirty bloggers? Do I have to send my CV somewhere? Somebody help me out here!

Wait, what was that? You think I'm not up to it? Is my style of blogging not offensive enough for you? I can be offensive. And I can say awful things about the left, truly awful things that would raise the hair on the back of your neck, but only if there's money in it.

If you don't believe me then allow me to demonstrate:

Gee, that union should moderate some of its demands!

David Shearer is a fine man, but on reflection I prefer John Key's charm, charisma and grace.

I am mildly disappointed with Labour's current performance.

All good? When does the first payment arrive? And will it come in a brown paper bag? That would be awesome.

* Plus or excluding GST? My accountant needs to know.

McCaw, Carter Supreme Winners At Literature Awards

2012-01-09T20:00:00.000+13:00

All Blacks captain Richie McCaw was given the supreme award at the Steinlager New Zealand Literature Awards last night.

McCaw’s epic book, Richie, won the main award, the Literature Cup, as well as picking up a number of other prizes.

The win takes the All Blacks back to the top of the world literature rankings and completes a strong 12 months for the world champions.

Speaking to the packed crowd at Wellington's Westpac Stadium, McCaw gave a moving and eloquent speech that reduced many to tears.

“Yeah, nah, I’m rapt,” said McCaw, as he held aloft the Cup. “This is for all you fans who stuck by the team.

“It was a bloody tough contest, and I wasn’t sure if we’d pull it off till the very end, but we stuck in there and gave it everything.

“Thanks very much, and cheers.”

The win backs up McCaw’s Best Actor award at last month’s Rexona New Zealand Film Awards. McCaw took the top acting honour for his role in the short film Adidas Haka Advert.

Last night's judging panel included some of New Zealand’s top literature players, both present and past.

Awards chairman Murray Mexted said the calibre of the award entries this year was outstanding.

“Mate, there were some top efforts all round. All credit to these guys,” said Mr Mexted.

In a break from tradition a special Lifetime Literature Achievement award was presented to Colin Meads.

Organisers of the event had signalled they would present a special award to someone who had excelled in the field of literature over many years, and who had put New Zealand on the map.

In the end Mr Meads edged out stern competition from C K Stead, Patricia Grace and Keri Hulme to take the prize.

“Bloody good stuff,” said Mr Meads.

Other winners on the night were the All Black Cory Jane for his monumental work Twitter Stream, and his teammate Dan Carter who took the top poetry medal for the short poem Responding to Journalist Questions at All Blacks Press Conference.

Carter's work, which includes such memorable lines as “yeah, nah, I’m pretty gutted about the injury, but, you know, I guess that’s life and I’ve just got to move on”, has been described by some commentators as a modern masterpiece.

“Mate, the clever allegorical use of the ‘yeah, nah’ phrase in almost every line of the poem provides a thumping and powerful rhythmic effect throughout the work, reminding us at the same time of the eternal contradiction between what is and what is not, and leaving the reader with a sense of dilemma and confusion, challenging in a profound and powerful way modern hegemonic modes of discourse and dialogue, while highlighting the internal intellectual and spiritual crisis raging within the writer,” said chief poetry judge Peter Leitch, better known as The Mad Butcher.

"Mate, I almost cried like a girl when I read it."

Others have praised the fluency of Carter's work.

“Carter has always had a powerful left boot, but what stood out to me was some of his crisp passing through the backline, and those telling breaks late in the game as the opposition began to tire,” said commentator Grant Nisbett.

Patron of the event, Prime Minister John Key, has dismissed claims by some in the arts world that McCaw and Carter lack any literary ability and are undeserving winners.

“Okay, so Richie McCaw may not be Shakespeare, but who can even remember a single line Shakespeare ever wrote?” said Mr Key.

“And how many points did Shakespeare ever score in international rugby?”

Expert: Elephant Tragedy Just Like Important First Punic War Battle

2012-01-09T13:18:00.000+13:00

Some of those killed in yesterday’s elephant-trampling catastrophe would have earlier considered reviewing their life and trauma insurance arrangements, an insurance expert says.

And the families of those squashed by the angry beasts would be overwhelmed by the desire to communicate with the souls of their lost ones via psychics and other spiritual mediums, says a prominent clairvoyant.

In scenes reminiscent of the Battle of Panormus in 251BC, a herd of elephants turned on its masters and trampled to death a group of visitors in an animal wildlife park in Huntly on Sunday.

Retired door-to-door insurance salesman Bill Staines said that some of the eighteen people killed by the marauding elephants at Wilderlands Wonderpark would have discussed amongst themselves before the visit whether their life and trauma insurance arrangements extended to death or injury by elephant.

“You would be surprised at how many people discuss the levels of their coverage and the amounts of their excesses, even as they put themselves into such situations," said Mr Staines.

“Indeed, I would not be at all surprised to learn that the tour guide took the victims through a detailed PowerPoint presentation on the insurance options available to them in respect of death or injury caused by animal trampling, focusing particular attention on the types of policies available and the extent of the coverage for each type of incident, before he took them into the elephant’s pen. I certainly would have.”

Mr Staines said the scenario was similar to the Battle of Panormus in 251BC, where the war elephants of the Carthaginians panicked and turned on their own troops, causing mass casualties.

“That battle saw the defeat of a Carthaginian army by the Romans, who were led by the consul Lucius Caecilius Metellus. The defeat was decisive for the warring parties, because it ensured the strategically important city of Panormus would not fall into the hands of the Carthaginians.

“The impact of this victory was profound. A Roman victory in Sicily would lead ultimately to success in the First Punic War, and was an important step towards Roman domination of the Western Mediterranean. The crushing of Carthage by Rome led in the end to many centuries of Roman rule, allowing Roman law, culture, architecture and engineering to spread. It also led to the rise of the Roman Empire, which in itself led to the rise of the Church, which in turn led to the Reformation and the Enlightenment, and so led to the modern democratic society we live in today.

“Many of the insurance policies we take for granted today would not even exist, had the Carthaginian elephants not on that historic day gone mad and trampled many of their own side to death.”

Clairvoyant and reality show host Madame Zoltar said that with a tragedy such as an elephant-trampling it was normal for grieving family members to want to communicate with the dead.

“The families are looking for answers,” said Madame Zoltar.

“The first thing they will be wanting to do, even before the police have cleared the scene, is ask questions of the dead and hear the voices of their loved ones from beyond the grave.

“It also would be normal for those relatives to have talked to each other about the need to communicate with their loved ones, before the accident took place.

“A well-prepared family will have a séance plan in place. Not necessarily anything formal, but at very least an understanding between themselves so that when the unthinkable happens they are ready.

“It’s a good idea to consider booking a psychic medium in advance whenever your loved ones decide to engage in any risky activities, such as going to a wildlife park, driving a car, or travelling Jetstar.

“And don’t forget to keep a fully-stocked séance pack ready in your basement in case disaster strikes.”

Madame Zoltar said that the families of the deceased would be overwhelmed with the "natural feelings" of remorse, if they had not put a séance plan in place beforehand.

Optometrist Jan Belsch said that the horrifying sight of a monstrous great grey wall of elephant bodies hurtling towards the victims may have caused some of them to consider their eyewear options during the last moments of their lives.

“If the terrifying last seconds of these poor people were more a blur than a very sharp series of images, then that could indicate they were in need of prescription glasses, or that their prescription needed to be updated,” said Ms Belsch.

“People need to prepare for the unexpected. Wouldn’t they want their last horrifying images of life to be crystal clear?”

Ms Belsch said that if families of the victims were having trouble with their eyes they may be suffering from an eye disorder. In that case they should seek help.

Journalism?

2012-01-08T19:14:00.000+13:00

They killed the NZPA, but Fairfax still found the money to pay a man to compile this.

An Entertainment News Toolkit for Journos

2012-01-07T20:30:00.000+13:00

I know that during this holiday period the last thing journos want to be thinking about is serious work.

That's why during quiet news cycles such as the one we are in, the news is filled with stories of accidents and celebrities. The perfect summer news story combines both accidents and celebrities.

To help out our worthy news scribes I have prepared below a template for use by journos when reporting on entertainment accidents. It can be used in just about every situation. Just fill in the gaps!

[rapper/hip hop star/actor/rugby star/pop diva/other] [insert name] is [describe nature of the person's embarrasment, e.g. is facing a lengthy ban from the national water polo team/was kicked out of his family home] after an embarrassing outburst on Twitter.

[name], who is best known for [describe], posted a series of tweets on the social media platform on Friday, including one that described [person/place/thing] as “[insert here gratuitously offensive or just mildly offensive and oafish remark]”.

Another tweet said “[insert further remark]”, which is understood to have been a reference to [insert detail about the said rapper/hip hop star/actor/rugby star/pop diva/other].

The star has been in trouble before over [his/her] use of social media.

Last [week/month/year] [name of rapper/hip hop star/actor/rugby star/pop diva/other] posted on [his/her] [social media site] “[insert controversial or idiotic post]”.

[His/Her] post was condemned at the time by [insert group] for being offensive to [insert demographic or minority group], with that group’s spokesperson describing [him/her] as “[insert words of outrage here]”.

Last night the star returned to Twitter to apologise for [his/her] outburst, writing: “[insert apologetic tweet here]”.

It remains unclear whether [name of rapper/hip hop star/actor/rugby star/pop diva/other]’s remarks will do any harm to [his/her] reputation as [describe], or will affect [his/her] [describe, e.g. album sales, selection for the relevant sports team etc].

The Three Little Pigs: A Tale Of Horror By H.P. Lovecraft

2012-01-06T20:57:00.001+13:00

In relating the circumstances of the death of my brothers and my own descent into this terminal madness, I am aware that my current situation must create doubt as to the authenticity of my narrative. But I also know that my clinging hope that some person of learning will read my tale and make something of my ordeal is a futile one.

A sense of duty to science is all that impels me to recall, in these last days of my life, scenes of horror and happenings fraught with an acute terror. Though many years have passed since my incarceration began, a blurred but ineradicable picture remains of what transpired on that day.

I hardly know how to begin my tale, but I will do my best, not even trying to differentiate betwixt the real and the apparent; and praying that if any man of intellect should read this account he will understand that in the darkness there is no sharp distinction.

My own name in this tale is of no consequence, nor of my brothers. What I am about to relate happened more than ten years ago, though it is as if the entire series of events transpired not a week past.

We lived as creatures of comfort with our parents, and we knew no want, and held no fears for our futures. Still, being young and ambitious for adventure we oft spoken of abandoning the safety of home and venturing forth to make our own way in the world. But our parents were vexed by our talk of leaving, and they would tell us of the strange unknown terrors that had their home in the vast black woods that encircled our home, a place wherein walked only daemons and mad things that were no longer men; and of the terrible ravening Thing our mother spoke with great dread, describing with vividness the monstrous toothy clawed menace that lingered in the forest, a beast both cruel and ravenous. She called this thing The Wolf, and she told us that if it was our determination to depart, we must take measures to guard against its terrifying appetite for persons porcine such as ourselves.

But we were not of a mind to give any credence to such warnings. We were restless and eager to see what lay beyond our pretty little land, and our agitation was fuelled by a series of strange dreams I experienced. In my slumbers I would often picture an unknown land with its splendid groves and palaces, of unencumbered cities of gold, a land whose forests were of aloe and sandalwood, where among the trees fluttered gay birds sweet with song. I saw also cities cinctured with golden walls, and with their pavements also of gold. In the gardens of these cities were strange orchids and perfumed lakes whose beds were of coral and amber. I became convinced that what I had perceived was the abode of the gods, and I told my brothers of my vivid visions, convincing them to come with me in search of this wondrous place, in spite of all the warnings of the Elder Ones. I gave my brothers to wonder what new delights there awaited us, and we left the sweet safety of our family home ere sunset one day, beginning our quest for this strange land of my dreams.

It pains me to think that had we only heeded the warnings of our parents and stayed where we were, all that subsequently occurred to me and my doomed brothers might have been avoided. But alas this was not to be!

Our journey was an oppressive one, a battle through a noxious knotted woodland that would not yield a clear path, forcing us to hack through the undergrowth with machetes in order to move even a single yard. Tearing a way through the lethal foliage of the black haunted woods during the course of many wearying days, we at last came to a cut in the forest, a pleasant place of greenery next to a shimmering lake. Here the resolve of my brothers departed. Whereas I was determined to push on in search of the magical lands I had dreamed of, they were demoralised by the journey so far and were content to build their homes in this sweet grove aside of a golden lake, where the birds sang merrily amidst the fair lilies.

Tempted though I was to join them and settle in that pleasant location, I knew it was not the place of my visions, and so I continued on. For three days and nights I toiled alone, hacking a path through the gloom. The forest became for me a place of horror, a cursed place of malformed trees, weathered and discoloured by the mists of generations. Away from the good cheer of my two brothers I found the landscape to be a source of vague horror for me, a seething cauldron of sordid life that oppressed me with a nauseating fear.

When the accursed waning moon shone thinly to reveal a narrow vista carved from the ancient twisted groves of the old forest, I knew I could not go on, and so I established my abode in that cursed clearing.

Ere the waning and fantastically gibbous moon had risen far above the twisted trees of the dread forest on the third day of my arrival, my labours were complete. And what marvels had I created! Before me loomed templed terraces and mighty spires, rich with carven and painted glories, having in their courtyards cool fountains of silver, and walls of marble and porphyry, and a roof of glittering gold that reflected the rays of the sun. And inside this palace, set upon tall pillars of ruby and azure, sat carven figures of gods and heroes, so that whomsoever looked upon my house would seem to gaze upon mighty Olympus itself.

After I had rested awhile, I traced my steps back to find what had become of my brothers.

Little did I know when I left them in that fair grove that they would turn their minds to such fantastically foolish schemes. When I found them, it was to learn that they had erected two feeble and inconsequential shacks as their dwellings: one of straw and twigs, and the other of sticks.

I urged them to reconsider their decision to inhabit such flimsy and ephemeral abodes, reminding them of the dangers that lurked in the nearby woods and of the warnings our parents had given us. But the Fates had already spoken, and the die had already been cast, and so my brothers were not of a mind to listen to my words of caution. I left them with my rebuke ringing emptily in their ears, but had I known what was to come I would not have so quickly abandoned them to their terrible fate.

When I returned to the grove of my brothers the following week it was to find that a damnable green mist had arisen from the nearby lake. It shrouded in a sinister haze the twin houses, and it was only when I came right up to where I knew they should be that I found something, though not what I had anticipated.

The house of straw was no more, and in its place were bundles of grass and twigs darkened by something I thought at first was mud. Likewise the house of sticks was little more than a sunken sepulchre, broken and deathly. The repulsive green mist seemed to disappear for a moment and something white flashed out at me through one of the piles of sticks, and when I came to it I knew what it was. A dark cloud came over my mind as I saw a horror unendurable, a hideous scene which remains burned in my shaken recollection, an unbelievable, unthinkable, almost unmentionable thing. At my feet were the bones of my beloved brothers, and what I had thought of as mud was the dried blood of my brethren splashed madly across the grove; and even as I choked over the remains of the pair I could see great teeth marks on those scattered bones. The picture seared into my soul was one of violence and terror, and of the coming of a beast foul and cruel. The Wolf had arisen.

Something else caught my eye as I crawled in horror through the bloody grass, as an effluence of miasmal gasses rose up from the lake once more. I now saw that before he died, one of my beloved brothers had scrawled upon the ruined door of the house of sticks with coarse and shaky strokes the word “DOOM”.

Of my frantic delirious journey through the wood back to my abode, I can speak little, for I can scarcely recall any part of that mad scrabble through the forest back to my stout fortress.

When I returned I bolted the door and waited, knowing that the Beast would soon come for me. I doubted that my solid dwelling would provide any sort of respite against a hound arisen from the Stygian depths, and I was in the depths of a mortal panic, consumed with the certainty that the wolf would soon be dining on my porcine flesh.

I waited, dreading what must come. What rest I had was broken, my slumber being troubled and dread-infested, and I awoke in a cold perspiration ere dawn, determined to sleep no more.

I shall never forget when first I saw The Wolf. Barely had I arisen and glanced fearfully through my bedroom window, when that slavering beast of death was upon me. My most extravagant imagination could barely imagine this creature from the abyss. Was it a monster, or symbol representing a monster, of a form only a diseased fancy could conceive? Surmounting a grotesque and hairy body was a slobbering and greedy mouth and teeth like blades, the long jaw of the beast a terrible vista of dripping death. Its eyes were like dark caverns, whose black recesses the fading moon would not illumine, and in my terror I realised quickly that I looked upon an escaped denizen of Hell, a stupendous monster of nightmares.

The Thing lumbered slobberingly into sight and gropingly squeezed the door handle. Urged on by an impulse which I cannot definitely analyse, I scrambled with difficulty to lock the door, and only just in time.

Through the keyhole I could smell its breath, which was damp and foul and stank of the crypt.

In a barbarous and disjointed jargon, the creature whispered menacingly. “Little pig, little pig, let me in.”

In spite of my terror I answered firmly. “No, not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!”

“Well then, foolish pig,” whispered the beast, with an air of resignation. “You leave me with no choice. For I shall now huff and puff, and BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN!”

I now understood that this was how the Beast had destroyed my brothers. The gust exploding from the mighty lungs of this fetid beast was like the cold unwelcome wind of Boreas, and a burst of rancid air was flung from his murdering jaws. As the house rocked, I heard in the air something. I remember clearly the sounds, though I understood them not at the time, and still do not:

Th’ngloi th’rkta wgna’nan ftaglkion Csesthan def’ak

My sturdy walls defeating the Thing, it clambered onto the roof, and I understood immediately what it sought to do. I had left a fire smouldering on the hearth, and as the wolf climbed up onto the chimney I stoked that fire, until the flames were rising like giant fingers.

Knowing what must happen to the flesh of the beast if it was of this world, I threw open the front door, and the tainted outside air of the forest poured its polluted poison through the opening, such that my sturdy little fortress came to resemble in smell more a charnel house than a home.

I heard the laughter of the creature as it descended down the chimney, but as terrifying as the laughter was it could not match the terrible sound that emerged from its slavering mouth as it plunged into the consuming fire. As the Thing burned it put out an unearthly scream the likes of which had not been heard in this world for many aeons. Then, as I stood unable to move my feet, the wolf leapt out of the fire, still aflame, and bounded towards the open door, pushing its wicked immensity through the dark doorway and disappearing forever into the monstrous forest.

But that was not the end of my woes, for the scream of the beast remained to haunt me, and I could not shut my eyes at night without being revisited by that savage hellish dog. And I fancied, as often I lay awake in dread in my sty, that I could hear its murderous howl, and I became convinced every night that the noxious noise was yet louder and closer.

When at last my parents found me they were confronted with what must have appeared as a raving madman, talking without pause of demons and monsters and of murder foully committed. They confined me here, in a locked room in this high tower, ostensibly for my own safety, as if anywhere they put me could ever be safe from the Thing.

Now, as I endure this hell of confinement, I am left to ask myself if it could not all have been some phantasm—a mere freak of fever as I lay in exhaustion and raving after many hours of labouring under the oppressive sun to build my abode of brick.

But the fire burns in me as I remember the screaming of the monster, and as I once more hear the ungodly howling of that ragged beast. In my shame and despair I sometimes scream frantically, begging the dream-creature to release me from my nightly torments, but to no avail.

Wait! Even as I write these few words something is suddenly different. Could it be that the final madness is upon me? Or is this death’s release?

He is close now, so close that were I not so afraid to gaze out the window I feel certain I would see his huge expanse in the courtyard below.

Is he here? I can smell his odious breath, of that I am certain. But will he come for me tonight?

I can hear that strange jumble of sounds again in the screeching wind:

Th’ngloi th’rkta wgna’nan ftaglkion Csesthan def’ak

They are words so terrible that no hearer may endure them. Now I understand what they mean.

"Who's afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?"

I can bear the torture no more and must throw open the window. I am coming!

When Less Is More

2012-01-05T19:59:00.000+13:00

If you are a regular visitor to this blog, you will have noticed my decreased output of late.

This is partly a result of my holiday mindset, as well as the absence of much meaty political fare on offer.

But I have also been thinking about the time I spend blogging. It is a hobby, something that I do in my spare time. But my spare time is valuable, and there are many other things I could be doing with it.

So for a little while at least I am going to try posting less often. Blogging can be addictive, particularly once you start to attract a following and get the attention of the news media and other bloggers. As a result of this attention I have often felt the need to post at least something every day, and this pressure has sometimes let to the publication of material that should have been killed before birth.

It's not exactly a New Years resolution, but I am going to try posting more infrequently, rather than once or twice a day. With a bit of luck this might mean that what I do post is of a higher quality.

And if the lure of daily blogging proves too much for me after a couple of weeks of this, then so be it.

Spill The Beans, Now!

2012-01-03T20:27:00.000+13:00

I don't know about you, but I find it most inconvenient that just as I have some leisure hours to spend blogging about politics and politicians, the bastards have gone on holiday.

Maybe they will come back to work early if there's some sort of crisis. Like a war. We haven't had one of those for ages, well not a proper one.

But holding out for a bloody great war may be futile, because we're just too friendly with all our neighbours, except of course the ones that can't do us any real harm (yes, Fiji, I mean you).

The other thing likely to disappoint my hopes is the fact most wars break out after months, if not years, of tension and gradual escalation. Even if we launch a sneak attack against Australia, as I have long advocated, we will need some pretext and sense of justified grievance in order to mobilise the nation and, dammit, my holiday will be over by the time we get around to whipping the people up into a frenzy over that incident.

So war breaking out just ain't gonna happen. My next best bet is that one of our politicians has been harbouring a dirty secret, and that the airing of it will devastate the nation and cause panic among members of the government.

So please, PLEASE, if you have some real dirt on John Key's government, let it out. Give it to the media. Don't be dissuaded by a sense of propriety, duty or morality, because it doesn't matter why you haven't spilled the beans up until now, or how many people you may hurt if you tell the world, as those people are collateral damage, regrettable but necessary sacrifices. And if your own career ends up in tatters as a result of your disclosure, the good news is that nobody will even remember who you are when they look back on the scandal that destroyed the Government, and the most you can hope for is a mention in a footnote. So don't kid yourself that your fate is of any consequence in this matter.

Do it for me. I need some good material to keep me going. I'm in real need of help, and if this political void goes on for much longer I may even have to start communicating with people by non-electronic means. Like family members. Do they really deserve that?

New Year Bombshells Rock Nation On Edge

2012-01-01T11:26:00.001+13:00

Hard-hitting Herald journo Bevan Hurley reports:

Wedding bells have been ringing out across the country in what's shaping up as a summer of celebrity love. All Black Ali Williams and his bride Casey Green tied the knot in Queenstown, sticking to tradition - Green showed up 18 minutes late.

The star lock forward has opened up about how his rugby career is almost at an end, and there will be no babies for at least a year.

"The scary fact is, rugby is about to finish for me and there's no point bringing babies into my life just yet," he told the NZ Woman's Weekly, which went on sale a day early yesterday. "But when we do, I'm happy for Casey to bring home the bacon so I can go fishing three times a week."

All Black captain Richie McCaw was one of Ali's groomsmen, while his World Cup-winning teammates Dan Carter and Jerome Kaino attended with their new wives.

The news has rocked the financial world, with the Euro dropping overnight.

Meanwhile, officials have called for calm, after news that Sonny Bill Williams met rugby league bosses in a cafe over the weekend.

But there was more trouble to come, after stunning revelations by an expert that New Zealanders had trouble keeping their New Years resolutions.

Of greater concern is that for the first time in 2012 Jonah Lomu's brave battle with ill-health did not led the front-page of the Herald on Sunday.

And there was panic among journalists overnight as it was realised that another day of content needed to be found.

Cantabrian ACT Supporters Had A Shit Year

2011-12-31T17:00:00.000+13:00

The fact that Gaddafi, bin Laden and Krazy Kim bit the dust, and that we finally won that stupid piece of silverware (despite doing our best not to), can scarcely compensate for the shit year the people of Christchurch had.

Other disappointments were the election result (I fully acknowledge that whether that result was a good or bad one rather depends on one's political persuasion), various storms and shipwrecks, a failing world economy, economic stagnation in our own country, a growing gap between rich and poor, and the truly awful news right at the very end of the year that Russell Brand and Katy Perry are splitting.

Can 2012 get any worse? Perhaps. There is never any shortage of doomsday scenarios to choose from, and the end of one year always prompts speculation about what the next holds in store.

Let me give you my predictions: (Bear in mind this is just a bit of speculation, and like most predictions I make I'm only 80-85% confident they will come to pass)

The European economy will collapse. It will hit China hard, as a result of the sudden drop in demand for Chinese goods. This will quickly lead to internal tensions within the rising superpower, tensions that China will seek to overcome by focusing on an external enemy. This will lead to much warfare, chaos and trouble, zombie hordes etc etc; and by the end of the year the people of New Zealand will be living a savage and pitiful existence, wielding stick and clubs, wearing little more than rags stolen from the corpses lying everywhere, fighting pitched battles over waterholes and other resources, and eating the bodies of their dead children for sustenance.

If that sounds dire, don't worry. It's not all bad news. Russell and Katy will reconcile. And the ABs will still have the World Cup.

So have a happy new year!

Blog Cheating Part Five

2011-12-31T13:31:00.000+13:00

(Because my blog output is currently limited, here's another blogpost from earlier in the year)

Oh I Say!

11 April 2011

More observations from touring British Conservative MP Sir Giles Fortescue-Snoot.

I say the chaps on the West Coast of the South Island are a queer lot. And I don't mean queer like cousin Bertie (or Bertrice, as he now insists upon being called). No I mean rum, peculiar, curious, singular. I'm certain that a more dedicated in-breeding programme would iron out some of these oddities.

The local chaps are excited at the news that one of their MPs has done something important. It seems that Labour MP Damien O'Connor has finally stood up for the long-persecuted white heterosexual male. Hear him! Hear him! The man speaks wisdom when he says that white males are becoming an endangered species. If we're not careful we may soon be left with only 80% of the world's wealth and power.

Damien O'Connor would have my vote if I lived on the West Coast. Like all lunatic socialists his politics may be anathema to me, but due to a terrifying childhood incident involving a small rodent and a plunger I just wouldn't be able to vote for someone with the word "vole" in his last name.

******

I read in the news that the couple from Dannevirke who won $17 million playing the lottery had been "on the bones of their arses". My driver tells me this phrase is a vulgarity used by the hoi-polloi to describe abject poverty

It's always a delight to see a big lottery win going to someone truly deserving. So it was a shame to learn that the people who won were so poor. People who've never had any money just don't know how wonderful it is. That's why I never give to charities, unless they're dedicated to helping Tory MPs who've fallen on hard times after being caught with their pants down and their hands in the till.

I've no sympathy for those who complain about being unable to pay the bills or make ends meet. How is it they can't manage their affairs and yet the rest of us do just splendidly? You won't hear me complaining about how rough life is. I manage to survive just fine on the two million pound annual allowance Daddy gives me.

All the same, a few million extra would be handy. The roof of my country home needs to be regilded, and it simply isn't reasonable to expect a man of my standing to make savings by cutting down on high-class rent-boys or crates of 18th century French wine.

******

I was most distressed to read that the news media have been insolently questioning the Governor General's spending. The journalists who wrote this article ought to be stripped naked and horsewhipped. Yes, I'd pay good money to see that thong striking their naked soft flesh and making their bodies writhe rhythmically again and again in unison with the strap as they bent over and took what they deserved.

Goodness me, now look what I've done! Luckily Mummy packed me plenty of spare trousers. Goodbye for now!

Whose Values?

2011-12-30T14:26:00.001+13:00

Another brutal attack on a young child and yet more hand-wringing.

"If only we could do something" people cry, as if nothing can be done and these are just random acts committed by evil people.

If only it were simply a matter of writing these people off as evil. Unfortunately, the evil these people do is very often the result of their own upbringing.

The reasons why people hurt children are complex, and it isn't always possible to determine whether a particular initiative or intervention would have succeeded in avoiding a tragedy.

But blaming the problem on a lack of values or morals in individuals, as some have, misses the point. It remains a fact that child abuse is more likely to take place in low income families. This is perhaps the reason why rates of abuse within the Maori community are so high. What feeds much of the violence is poverty and all the problems that spring from it: unemployment, lack of education, untreated mental illness, substance abuse, and poor health.

It's all too easy to just dismiss the problem as one of lack of morals or values. It certainly isn't a question of religion or lack of faith, otherwise children raised in religious institutions around the world wouldn't have for centuries been subject to systematic abuse and predation. Is it about a failure to understand right from wrong? In some cases the people committing the offences have lived with violence all their lives. They were subjected to it as children and know few other ways to deal with errant kids.

There's no one magic bullet, but if people want to talk about a lack of values, they could start with the set of neoliberal values that saw thousands thrown onto the scrapheap and left to stew during the reforms of the 1980s and 1990s. We are still paying the price for the massive trauma caused to communities in the name of greed as our elected officials slashed and burned the state sector, causing huge unemployment and condemning many families to a generation of poverty. And who were the beneficiaries of this "necessary sacrifice"? Mostly the shareholders of those overseas companies that bought our assets for a song and then gutted their workforces in the name of efficiency and maximising profit.

The same forces have been responsible for the diminution of the union movement over the last thirty years, a movement that has been responsible for ensuring most of the benefits workers now take for granted.

It is little wonder that in New Zealand the gap between rich and poor continues to widen. In the book The Spirit Level, authors Richard Wilkinson and Kate Pickett argued that nations with greater inequality between rich and poor fared badly when it came to various social problems.

But if the solution to the problem of violence against the young was simply a matter of teaching the right values, what values would we want people to adhere to? Surely as a minimum we would want people to be respectful and tolerant of others, and to show compassion towards those unable to fend for themselves.

These are values that have been sorely lacking amongst our political and business leaders for at least three decades.

If we want to talk about values, let's start at the top. How about the values that see the CEO of Christchurch City Council awarded a massive pay rise even as ratepayers are struggling with the trauma of multiple quakes, many of them facing financial ruination. Whenever belt-tightening is called for it almost never seems to happen at the top.

If we want to reduce the impact of poverty and income inequality, then we must create a system that values and supports everyone, not just the high-flyers and the wealthy.

But what hope have we of ever coming to terms with the problems caused by poverty when we continue to shift the nation's wealth into the hands of those who already have more than they need?

Concerns Mount Over Absence Of Social Media Gaffes

2011-12-29T20:33:00.002+13:00

A National Party MP's colleagues have become increasingly concerned about his wellbeing, after he failed for two consecutive days to make a fool of himself on Twitter.

Concerns were raised when colleagues of Tau Henare realised that they had not noticed a single social media brainfart from the list MP for over 48 hours.

With the recent departure from Parliament of MPs Aaron Gilmore and Paul Quinn, the pressure has been on Mr Henare to underperform in a spectacular and public way so that the rest of his caucus colleagues look good by comparison.

Concerns are now mounting that Mr Henare may have realised his social media output and lowly list ranking are related in some way.

One MP who spoke on an anonymous basis, said the failure by Henare to defame, abuse or vilify others via Twitter for over two days was a real concern.

"We're all worried about his mental health," said the MP.

"We're hoping he hasn't decided to be more considered and measured in his comments.

"If an MP now in his fifth term of office can comment on Twitter thatNew Zealand's not having a written constitution means we have no constitutionat all, then the rest of us in caucus can put our feet up, knowing that nomatter how badly we drop the ball we can never outdo Tau's efforts.

"Tau's a team player, and is always willing to take the hits for therest of us. Our thoughts are with our colleague at this difficult time. Kiakaha Tau! You can get through this."

Update: In an escalation of the crisis Prime Minister John Key, whowas in Pyongyang earlier this week for the state funeral of North Korea'sleader Kim Jong Il, is now flying back to New Zealand to deal with hisnon-errant MP.

Key was hoping to close an important trade deal with North Korea during thevisit, but trade talks have now been postponed.

The news that talks have been put on hold will be a bitter blow for the NewZealand grass industry. Trade officials believe that the sophisticated palatesof North Korean consumers are ready for the refined and subtle flavours thatNew Zealand grasses offer.

Key is due back in Auckland tomorrow and will address his caucus in anemergency meeting tomorrow evening.

BREAKING NEWS: It appears that the social media crisis may have beenaverted. Tau Henare has commented via Twitter "Got him ! Turangi assault perp caught. Well done boys in blue" in response to the arrest of a teenager in connection with the savage attack of a five year old girl.

The failure by a long-term MP to understand the very simple presumption-of-innocence concept has reassured concerned caucus members that Henare is fully malfunctioning again.

Blog Cheating Episode The Fourth

2011-12-29T19:06:00.000+13:00

(I'm still in "can't be bothered" territory with blogging, so here's another post from earlier in the year.)

People With Arsehole Syndrome Need To Be Understood, Not Judged

13 March 2011

If you read Michael Laws' latest column in the Sunday Star Times today you may have concluded that Laws is a revolting human being. Brian Edwards has described Laws' comments in that column as being "worthy of Joseph Mengele."

I confess that I have expressed a lot of ill-will towards Mr Laws in a few of my own posts. And for that I wish to apologise.

In my defence, however, I didn't realise until today that Michael Laws has a disorder that affects his brain, and makes him behave in a manner that "normal" people generally find uncomfortable.

Michael Laws has Arsehole Syndrome.

The most important thing to understand about people who have Arsehole Syndrome is that they do not experience the world as the rest of us do. Arseholes (as people with the syndrome are commonly called) can find it stressful and difficult to function in environments that most of us take for granted. The urge to abuse, demean and vilify can quickly become overwhelming for an Arsehole when they are put in an unfamiliar situation, especially if the people around them are not exactly like them and don't subscribe to their narrow range of beliefs.

It is true that an Arsehole will usually understand the difference between right and wrong. But the wiring of an Arsehole's brain isn't like your own. Arseholes are compelled to repeat behaviours that the rest of us find bizarre or even disgusting.

That is why Arseholes come across as socially stunted and unlikeable.

It is notoriously difficult to diagnose the syndrome. I suspect this is why Laws' compulsion to put the boot into anyone who can't defend themselves was misdiagnosed for so long. Most people who read or hear a Laws diatribe aimed at Maori, solo mothers or the disabled will just assume they are dealing with a gutless coward.

Arseholes almost always have terrible trouble when they try to enter the workforce. To those unaware of the syndrome, the behaviour of an Arsehole can seem loathsome and offensive. Arseholes have particular difficulties with understanding the nuances of social intercourse. The reaction of an Arsehole when put into any environment they are unfamiliar with can be difficult for their co-workers to make sense of. When confronted with uncertainty, an Arsehole will spew obscene hatred at anyone and anything. An Arsehole will continue with a rant long after the other person has lost interest in the topic.

That is why most Arseholes try to avoid social interaction, preferring instead to write columns for Sunday newspapers.

But there is a place where Arseholes can feel safe, and where people with the disorder can communicate and have their opinions validated. The medium of talkback radio is enormously important for many Arseholes, because it allows them to feel as if their lives have some meaning. Denouncing people of other ethnicities and the disabled, and people who are different, is an well-recognised therapy for Arseholes.

That is why we need to cut Michael Laws some slack. He can't help the way he is. You may be sick of reading or hearing what he thinks about people who dare to be different to him, but he's an Arsehole. What else can you expect?

Blog Cheating Part Three

2011-12-29T13:18:00.000+13:00

(I'm still in "can't be bothered" territory with blogging, so here's another post from earlier in the year. It's a good reminder that someone should not publicly mock a political party only a couple of months before joining it. Oh well...)

Labour Looks To The Dead

29 March 2011

Labour leader Phil Goff was under fire today, after admitting his party used psychics to help make important decisions.

The revelations came after footage appeared on TV1's Close Up last night of a secret Labour frontbench session with a medium known as Madame Esmeralda.

Mr Goff admitted today that the party had consulted a number of psychic mediums, but he defended the move.

"We're not closed-minded like some political parties," said Mr Goff.

"This is about covering all bases as a party. We'd be foolish to go ahead and make decisions without considering all of the possible alternatives and potential ramifications.

"It's all very well doing what we think is best for the country, but why not take heed of the voices of the dead? They're a valuable resource.

"National's vision for growing the economy is to mine national parks. With Labour we're mining the vast knowledge of the deceased."

Mr Goff confirmed he had been in recent dialogue with former leaders of the party, including Walter Nash and Michael Joseph Savage.

"I also had a number of discussions with Sir Geoffrey Palmer. I was surprised to discover later that he's not actually dead."

But Goff only admitted to talking to the dead after the footage appeared on Close Up.

The footage shows what appears to be a seance involving most of the Labour frontbench.

The visual quality of the footage is poor, but the voices on the tape are clear.

Early in the recording Madame Esmeralda says she is channelling the spirit of a lost soul known as David. She asks if anyone knows a David who has passed on recently.

Another woman's voice, possibly Annette King's, is clearly heard saying "It's Lange! Speak to us! Save us! Tell us what we must do."

Madame Esmeralda then speaks again: "David says there is a time of darkness ahead. A tough decision to make, and a person who stands in the way of progress."

She then says, "possibly someone in this room here today. Is there a... a Paul or a Peter present?"

"But not a Phil?" the voice of the Labour leader is heard saying "Thank God. Are you sure the person standing in the way isn't a David or an Andrew? We have quite a lot of potential David problems. We always have."

Party president Andrew Little has also confirmed that he regularly consults a tarot card reader before making important decisions.

"I find consulting the cards to be extremely enlightening. It's also about the only way I can find out what the Labour leader is up to."

And in a startling twist, it was today revealed that acclaimed medium Bev Debber of the TV show Smelling Manslaughter was last week called in by Mr Little to consult on who killed the Labour Party's prospects in the November election.

It is understood that Ms Debber was able to identify a grey-haired man in his mid-fifties, though she said he may have dyed his hair recently.

National Party MPs were quick to mock the moves by Labour. But Phil Goff was equally quick to defend the actions.

"You may think that consulting mediums and fortune tellers is about the craziest thing someone can do.

"But how else would you have us make policy? Consult Treasury officials? At least our fortune tellers occasionally get it right."

A Blogpost On Moderation

2011-12-29T12:51:00.000+13:00

I find posts about blog moderation to be about as enjoyable as posts on things that are not really all that enjoyable.

So I will keep this short.

Call it a fit of pique, spite or ill-temper, whatever you like. But from today I will no longer accept comments from anonymous cowards.

I welcome feedback and comments, provided they are not nasty or trollish. But if you won't put a name or moniker to your comment then, I'm sorry, but it will be deleted. (update: I don't expect people to put their real name to their comments. Just some sort of identifier other than "anonymous")

And another thing I urge readers to consider. I have been known on the odd occasion to write in a somewhat satirical style. Readers will make their own minds up as to whether my attempts at satire are worthy or not. But I do urge people to consider whether what they have read might have more than one meaning, before they go off on a denunciatory rant.

I could put a "satire" label on such posts, but I'd sooner just give up.

That is all I have to say.

PS No, this was not a satirical post. In case you were wondering.

More Blog Cheating

2011-12-28T10:01:00.000+13:00

(Because I'm on holiday and am too lazy to blog properly, I may for a while be content just to repost some of the stuff I wrote earlier in the year. Bad luck, old chap)

The Leaked Welfare Working Group Recommendations

21 February 2011

Dear John and Bill

We’ve finished our work and the report is on its way. We have considered ~~none some much~~ all of the most reliable evidence on the causes of welfare dependency and how welfare reform can be best achieved.

Our three main recommendations are set out in detail below. I thought I’d give you a sneak preview.

Enjoy!

Love

Paula R
Welfare Working Group

PS Our invoice is attached.

Summary of Recommendations

1. Fun Camps

The image of the welfare reform movement needs to change if we are to be serious about bringing about change. The public need to understand that there is nothing frightening or alarming about reform proposals.

In short, welfare reform has to be fun.

The money spent on administering the benefits system would be better utilised in the establishment of a series of Fun Camps. These large-scale camps would house the majority of beneficiaries and provide all the daily nutritional needs of the guests. The provision of a uniform would ensure than nobody was judged by their appearances, but instead on their successes. Guests will be divided into groups and encouraged to undertake group activities and games, such as Dig the Latrines, Bash the Bludger, and our favourite If You Don’t Get Off Your Lard Arse And Start Carrying Those Rocks I’ll Flog It Till It’s Raw.

Day trips to various fun scenic locations (mines, quarries etc) will keep our guests active and ensure everyone is getting enough exercise. It really is true that healthy bodies create healthy minds! And to keep everyone mentally engaged and alert, we’ll have random wake-ups at all hours, with specially trained fun-troopers storming into the sleeping facilities in the dead of might yelling and screaming, and hauling away the luckier of our guests for a thrilling game of 20 Questions.

These camps may be all about fun, but there’s a serious side to them too. It’s all about inspiring people to push beyond their limits and achieve something fantastic with their lives. To help achieve this we’ll have motivational speakers giving talks about the purity of the market and the role of deregulation in building the foundations of a strong economy, and there will be inspirational signs up around the camp giving uplifting messages such as “Work Will Make You Free”.

There will even be a graduation ceremony, bit this too will be based around fun, rather than the receipt of a stuffy old certificate or diploma. Graduates will be encouraged to Run The Gauntlet. This will involve running in between two lines of ACT Party members, New Zealand Herald columnists and editorial staff, and right-wing bloggers. Just to spice things up we will give the people in the two rows the chance to play tricks on the runners, using any old thing that comes to hand: party balloons, knives, and clubs, for example. It is almost certain that the camp guests will be all rolling around the floor to the sound of laughter by the end of the ceremony.

2. Give Beneficiaries a Purpose

Research shows that the "keeping it fun" approach will not work for everyone, and responses to welfare-dependency will need to be tailored to meet the needs of some people. Evidence has shown that low self-esteem can be debilitating and can be one of the main reasons why someone ends up trapped on a benefit. Giving someone a sense of purpose can lead to a reduction in dependency.

Most beneficiaries instinctively know that they are bludging scum, living like parasites off the blood of the taxpayer. Those who feel the bite of this parasite the hardest are the working poor: those who earn little, but don’t qualify for state assistance (e.g. company directors, bankers, stockbrokers etc), and for whom each day is a struggle. They have been hit by the cost of fuel, so their late model European cars are now more expensive to fill, and the land rates on their holiday homes continue to rise. On top of that it has become more expensive than ever before to buy fresh food. Meat and dairy products are becoming more unaffordable.

It seems absurd that we have a group of people crying out to be of some use to society, while we also have a group demanding affordable farm produce. The solution ought to be obvious, and yet until now it has been regarded as politically impossible to introduce plans to farm beneficiaries. But if a proposal were to be packaged right we are confident that beneficiaries would be lining up to participate.

3. Keep Families Together

There are too many women with children on welfare. They are the real hardcore beneficiaries. In many cases they have simply walked out of a perfectly solid relationship over some trivial matter (e.g. domestic violence), preferring instead to raise their children at the expense of the state.

Something must be done to encourage women not to leave their partners. There will clearly be some situations where the decision to leave is the right one. But for many women the decision not to live with the father of their children in a personal choice. Choices have consequences. There may be some who find a forced reconciliation less than desirable, and some so-called experts have even suggested that imposing a punitive regime on solo mothers will only force women to stay in abusive relationships, because they cannot afford to leave and still feed the kids.

These concerns overstate the problem considerably. Amongst our professional elite athletes, such as rugby and football players, broken noses, black eyes and other fractures are commonplace. For football players, being felled by a stray kick is just part of the game. Do our sportspeople give up and quit their chosen sport the moment they get tapped around?

Does a firefighter refuse to work because he may need to be in an environment where things can get a little hot?

So there really is little excuse for women to leave their relationships. If they make the decision to leave they cannot expect state assistance. And if going without welfare means their children suffer from poverty and deprivation then, while that is regrettable, the children will certainly learn a powerful lesson.

Blog Cheating: Part One, Book One, Chapter One

2011-12-27T19:57:00.000+13:00

(Because I'm on holiday and am too lazy to blog properly, I may for a while be content just to repost some of the stuff I wrote earlier in the year. Bad luck, old chap)

John Key: Lover, Art Collector, Kitten Strangler

5 February 2011

If you fancy a man who drowns kittens and gets in the mood by wearing Nazi regalia, then John Key may just be the one for you.

But if you think that's hot, he is also cultured. Key is an antiquities buff and has a stunning collection of treasures originally looted from Iraqi museums during the fall of Saddam Hussein's regime.

The nation's favourite politician made these revelations during an interview with Radio Sport's Tony Veitch on Friday.

The pair started the interview by laughing about the demands of political office, with Key joking that being prime minister was hard, but nothing like the backbreaking job Veitch had to do.

Veitch then asked Key what he did to "get in the mood."

Mr Key said: "strangling a batch of cute little kittens does it for me every time. Not newborn ones, because they're kind of ugly, but kittens that are at that six-week-old cutesy stage."

The Prime Minister then revealed his penchant for dressing up.

"Anything German World War Two era, particularly if it's black. If you want to impress the ladies, you can't go wrong with a Waffen SS outfit."

Mr Key said his biggest turn-on was the power that money gave him. He revealed that his Parnell home has rooms filled with hundred dollar notes, just so he can roll in them, and that he has thousands of stolen antiquities crammed in his basement.

He also admitted that his undergarments were made from stitched banknotes.

"When you feel that money pressing against your manhood, you know that nobody can stop you from doing anything you want. Democracy, ha!"

Key's interview has been slammed by Green MP Sue Kedgley.

"What a terrible, despicable monster!" she exclaimed in horror, before running away screaming.

Labour leader Phil Goff was quick to release his own list of dirty deeds, just hours after the Key interview.

The release, entitled "I'm a Bad Boy Too" claims that Goff has had at least three parking tickets over the last two years, and that he "gets in the mood" by watching action movies and drinking a bottle New Zealand sauvignon blanc.

"I haven't strangled any animals," said Mr Goff.

"But I sure as heck get mad sometimes. Like when I'm on my motorbike and the wind is rushing through my hair, and then I discover that there's a snarl-up on the motorway and the traffic's really slow.

"And you should see me in a uniform. I've ordered a bunch of them online this afternoon. Along with some cats and some antique vases.

"I am bad to the bone."

Prominent blogger and society columnist Hilda Von Tempsky said that Key was a breath of fresh air, when compared with the leaders of the past.

"The man has a way of pulling it off the way the others just couldn't. When he puts on that SS uniform and starts goose-stepping you can bet he'll be all goofy and likeable.

"Prime Minister Key's great strength is that he's down to earth, unlike his predecessor in the role. I don't think Helen Clark strangled a single kitten during her nine years in office, and I think she suffered for it."

An Important Post That You Must Read*

2011-12-26T19:16:00.001+13:00

It's the holidays.

Why are you even looking for blogs to read?

Now that I think of it, why am I writing this?

* I always save my biggest lies for Boxing Day.

Dick Fritter's Top 2011 Calls

2011-12-23T20:55:00.000+13:00

Former political strategist and now full-time pundit Dick Fritter returns to this blog after a long break. A self-proclaimed politics tragic, he has worked with just about everyone, from Rob Muldoon to Osama bin Laden.

Fritter's biographer, Michael Bassett, has described the master strategist as a "hard drinking, hard living, hard loving man who can sniff out any scandal and manage any crisis."

Fritter will be best known to readers as the brains behind the controversial “Homo/Not Homo” billboards that worked so effectively for National in the 2008 election.

It's been a long few months, and I've been the star of just about every newspaper, talk radio channel and current affairs show.

The end of another political year is an ideal time to reflect on my achievements, before kicking back for the summer to chase some tail and sink some serious piss with my old mates Barry and Bill.

When it comes to politics I've seen it all. So there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that surprised me about November's election. I predicted National’s win and the good old-fashioned rogering that Labour got. I correctly picked that the Labour Party would end up with its trousers around its ankles, and that John Key would go hard all the way to the end of the campaign.

Allow me to remind you how good I really am. Let's go through some of my predictions.

ACT Party

Just after Don Brash took over the party I wrote on my Herald blog:

This is a stunning coup that will have the mainstream parties in a panic. ACT will be at over 10% in the party vote by the end of November. Lock it in!

Now some people have since criticised me for this prediction, pointing out that ACT was almost obliterated in the November election and barely managed 1%.

What a lot of pointless girlie nitpicking. Am I really to blame if a Herald sub-editor can't manage to put a decimal point in the right place? I meant 1.0%, not 10%! I've since asked the Herald to change the post to correct their egregious error.

And I was almost bang on with my prediction, wasn't I?

Winston Peters

I predicted Winston's return, even though nobody believed me at the time.

Someone mocked me the other day, claiming that on Newstalk ZB I told Larry Williams it would be a cold day in Hell before Winston Peters led his party back into Parliament.

Were their ears painted on?

What I actually said was that it would be a cool day in Wellington on the day Winston led his party back into Parliament. And I was right. On the day they all swore the oath it definitely got cooler as the evening drew nearer. It can get chilly in the capital of an evening.

You don't believe me? Well go and listen to the recording of my interview. What do you mean the file's not available? Well that's very convenient for you, isn't it?

Epsom

When it turned out that the sneaky bastards had taped Key and Banks having tea I wrote on my blog:

Two grown men having a ladies’ drink in a fancy cafe? Have they been completely emasculated by the Sisterhood? Has this pair lost their pair? Mark my words, this will turn out to be the most momentous day of the campaign. National can now kiss goodbye to any chance of winning on November 26.

I was obviously referring to the Epsom electoral candidate contest. And was I right or was I right? That Goldsmith girlie-man came second to my old mate Banksie.

From the comments left on my blogpost it looks as if some people think I was predicting National's defeat in the general election. The clowns!

Anyway, I went back to my blogpost and added "in Epsom" after "November 26", but only because I can't be arsed dealing with so many comments by the criminally uninformed and illiterate. The fools just don't understand how a statement can have several shades of meaning.

Labour leadership

Just after the three Labour leadership candidates were announced I wrote on my Stuff blog:

Here's my pick. Cunliffe first, Parker second, Shearer third. You can bank on that prediction. That’s a promise.

A couple of bloggers have been mocking me for making what they say is a spectacularly bad call. Wrong! I got it right, yet again. Cunliffe really was first.

Does not Cunliffe's surname go ahead of Parker's when ranked alphabetically? Does not Parker come second and Shearer third?

See what I mean? Right every time. Suck on that!

I also predicted David Shearer's victory. I wrote two weeks ago:

Electing David Shearer as leader would be the dumbest move in history. Even dumber than giving women the vote, taxing tobacco or banning slavery. No sane group of politicians would ever contemplate putting such a vomit-inducing do-gooder in charge of their party. Just like fairtrade coffee, Shearer is bound to leave a foul taste in the mouth of the public.

I have been saying for years that Labour caucus member are all as mad as badgers. So I was absolutely right--again!

You can always rely on Labour to do the wrong thing. What the party really needed was a leader with a bit of spunk, someone with balls, someone with a bit of lead in the pencil. One of them really just needed to pull his pants down, get in amongst it, go hard and show us his stuff. Instead they elected someone who wants to change the world and make it nice for others. Excuse me while I puke.

He won't get anywhere, because the party remains obsessed with identity politics. I don't make a big song and dance about my status as a privileged white male, so why do all those women, gays and minorities have to kick up such a fuss all of the time? And then there are all the unionists in the party running the place while moaning about low wages, God help us! They should just STFU and get on with cooking my burger.

Anyway, I'm sure you will now agree that all of the above prove that when it comes to political predictions I am Number One. When it comes to politics there’s not a thing I haven’t seen, done, written a book on, rooted, drank under the table, or sold to the gullible voters. Everyone else, like your Farrars and your Hootons, is a wannabe. To be a successful player you need big balls and a big gut.

But in spite of my record I get grief from others. The thing about all this punditry is that, even though I have a better record than anyone else on the circuit, people still think they have a right to have a go at me. It can be demoralising for some people in the game, but I have a thick skin and have learned not to take my detractors seriously.

Some of them are just plain crazy, like the woman who last week told me I was a fat sweaty misogynistic jerk. What a crazy thing to say! I love women, I really do, especially when I don’t have to pay for it. And if I’m such a woman-hater, how can I have been married four times? Go on, ask my ex-wives what I’m like. Actually, don’t talk to the first three, because they’re vicious lying bitches. And don’t bother talking to Tatiana, unless you speak Russian. The cow.

The Round Institute Of New Zealand Business Tables?

2011-12-21T08:14:00.000+13:00

I am somewhat surprised to read that the Business Roundtable and New Zealand Institute are to merge.

The theory behind the merger appears to be that the country isn’t big enough for two economic think-tanks. But I just can’t see how the merger can work without one organisation swallowing the other.

The two organisations have traditionally looked at the economy from completely different perspectives. The BRT’s prescription for our ailments has typically been to promote a small-government low-tax minimal-regulation environment. Its neoliberal economic outlook harks back to the 1980s. Many people would argue that the current state of the world economy is proof that neoliberalism has been a total failure and that a new model is required.

By contrast the NZI’s reports on our economy have tended to be more focused on looking at the “big picture” stuff, like innovation, skills and economic development, but without assuming the answer lies in only one direction.

It would be tempting to think that the failure of neoliberalism has made the BRT unsustainable as an organisation, and that with the passing of Roger Kerr the think-tank is now prepared to look at other ways to grow the economy besides cutting taxes and bureaucracy.

But I suspect it will be difficult for the neoliberals within the BRT to throw away their religion that quickly.

Some Christmas Cheer

2011-12-19T21:13:00.000+13:00

2011 may have been a lousy year for a lot of people, but it was also the year some of the worst people on the planet left it.

Gaddafi, bin Laden and Kim were perhaps the three nastiest pieces of work going around, and now they are no more.

Thanks Santa!

Dunne In Stoush Over Caucus Lunch Plan

2011-12-19T20:24:00.000+13:00

A fierce row has broken out between a Wellington restaurateur and United Future Party leader Peter Dunne, over a table booking for one of the city’s most in-demand eateries.

The trouble began when Mr Dunne attempted to book a table at Wellington’s Acropolis Cafe for his caucus’ annual Christmas lunch.

According to Mr Dunne the co-owner of the cafe, Dmitry Kalifanipolipopolis, was rude and insulting to him over the telephone.

“I rang the cafe on Friday hoping to secure a table for my team, because they have some tremendous authentic Greek and Turkish fare there, but I know how busy the place can be at lunchtime,” said Mr Dunne.

“I wasn’t expecting to be so insulted.

“The owner yelled back down the phone at me, calling me an idiot, and then he hung up.”

Mr Dunne said he had decided to come forward for the good of the hospitality industry.

“I’m thick-skinned, because you have to be able to take the knocks when you’re in politics. I only decided to go public with this because the kind of treatment I experienced really isn’t acceptable for the service industry, and it ruins it for those who are trying hard to present New Zealand as a friendly destination for visitors.”

Mr Dunne said he suspected Mr Kalifanipolipopolis might have been motivated by a political grudge.

“If Mr Kalifanipolipopolis has a problem with the United Future Party or any of my caucus members, then that’s fine. But he should come clean and be open about it."

Greek-born Dmitry Kalifanipolipopolis admitted he was rude to Mr Dunne, but claimed he was provoked.

“This guy ring me, say he is Peter Dunne and then say he want to book a table at lunchtime for his caucus team.

"I say to him ‘Peter Dunne, whadda are you even talking about? You don’t have a no caucus team.’

“He then say I shoulda no be so rude and I say to him ‘listen, we not take a no bookings, you idiot!’

"Then I slam a down the phone on him. I thought he was maybe one of those, what do you call it, crank callers, and I get a little angry.”

The United Future leader has bristled at suggestions his party has no caucus.

“We are a caucus of one, and you should never underestimate the Power of One,” said Mr Dunne.

“Which is a cracking good book, by the way. I avidly devour anything written by Bryce Courtenay, who in my opinion is the Shakespeare of the Southern Hemisphere and deserves much more acclaim than he gets. He beats Wilbur Smith hands down, every single time.

“I am very proud of my team, and we are probably the most united caucus in the current parliament.”

But Mr Kalifanipolipopolis said he was not impressed with Mr Dunne.

“He a crazy man. How am I take table booking for a kebab shop in a foodhall?”

Dr Don Seeks To Sink Santa

2011-12-19T13:35:00.000+13:00

Former ACT Party leader Dr Don Brash has confirmed he is seeking to replace Santa Claus as the bringer of joy to children around the world.

Persistent rumours of a move into the world of Christmas cheer have dogged Dr Brash since he resigned from the ACT Party on election night.

Last night Dr Brash confirmed he had been in discussions with a number of Santa’s elves about the leadership of their organisation. He said he was confident he had the numbers to replace Santa at the next board meeting at the North Pole this Wednesday.

“I have spoken to a number of people in the team, including Mrs Claus, the elves, and some of the reindeer. The decision is theirs to make, but I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think I had a shot at winning”, said Dr Brash.

Dr Brash says the organisation needs a new direction, and is promising big things if he wins the leadership battle.

"Frankly, the current direction Christmas is being taken in is unsustainable,” said Dr Brash. “I believe I can make a real difference. Under my leadership we can look forward to many more years of strong and stable Christmas celebrations.”

Santa’s leadership has been in question for several months, and recent polls have shown that fewer children than ever before now believe he exists.

The troubles began after Santa was caught out in 2009 taking Mrs Claus to Disneyland to see his friend Mickey Mouse, using money that had been allocated for the purchase of children’s toys.

Concerns have also been raised about some of the practices of Santa’s organisation, with some critics claiming that the elves have been sourcing low quality products from China in an effort to cut costs.

And in 2010 a Campbell Live investigation revealed that a number of men claiming to be the real Santa were in fact impostors, and that Santa knew about the fraud.

Secret footage taken for the show revealed that in shopping malls around the country children were being duped into thinking they were talking to the real Santa, when very often the lap they were sitting on belonged to an impostor.

When confronted with the footage Santa Claus said he knew about the fraud but kept it to himself because he did not think it was an issue.

Details of some of the vicious and ugly infighting within the organisation have been leaked to the public, further destabilising the current Santa’s leadership.

A large group of the reindeer were believed to be bitter over Santa’s decision to let Rudolph guide the sleigh this year, and this was confirmed last month when a series of emails between the reindeer Donder and Blitzen were leaked.

The emails reveal that the pair have been plotting to have Rudolph demoted to the back of the pack. The emails reveal a concern among the reindeer about Rudolph’s shiny red nose being an unnecessary distraction to the serious business of spreading Christmas joy.

Dr Brash said he was keen to make a break from the problems of the past, and breathe new life into an ailing organisation.

He said there was a need to return Santa and his jolly crew to the basic fundamentals of Christmas, which included slashing red Christmas tape and ribbon, and responsible gift-giving.

“Santa has grown fat and bloated, thanks to a culture of dependency upon Christmas pies, cakes and biscuits left out by children on Christmas Eve,” said Dr Brash.

“I can promise you that if I step into that red suit you will see a leaner and meaner Father Christmas.”

Dr Brash said that some of the policies he would pursue might not be popular in the short term, but were essential for the long-term survival of Christmas.

“Frankly, it makes no economic sense to be rewarding the children of the poor with any gifts at all, when surely the message we ought be instilling in them is that if their mummies and daddies work hard, get ahead and grow rich, then they can have the best new electronic gadgets and want for nothing.”

Dr Brash confirmed that he favoured further moves to make Christmas fully user-pays by the year 2025.

“We’ve made some progress in the last 30 years in this country, so that from late October every year we are bombarded with commercial messages about Christmas. But we need to go further.

“It isn’t enough that parents are being forced to pay exorbitant prices just so their kids can be photographed with Santa at the local mall. We should be encouraging kids to give cash directly to Santa.

“If Little Johnny wants a Transformer toy, then he can damn well pay Santa for it.”

This morning Santa Claus responded dismissively to Dr Brash’s leadership bid.

“Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to one and all!” said Santa.

A Plea To Jim Hopkins

2011-12-16T17:55:00.000+13:00

Dear Jim

I was thrilled to read your latest column in the NZ Herald. I’m a big fan of your work and I always enjoy reading your unique spin on the issues of the day.

On Friday I was delighted to discover you had stepped in to help all of humanity, by abolishing global warming. You wrote: "Global warming has left the building."

I never suspected you had it in you. I don’t know how you did it, but I reckon it must be something to do with those craaaaaaaazy red-rimmed glasses you wear. Whatever they’re paying you at the Herald, they ought to double it!

So how did you do it? Please, please tell me, because I’ve been trying to fathom how only the day before global warming was recognised by the vast majority of climate scientists as a very real danger, and now it’s no longer even a threat.

Your astonishing intervention has left me racking my brains to find a scientific theory to explain this profound environmental change. Only after a pleasant lunch involving astounding volumes of vodka did I manage to come up with any sort of theory at all, though you’ll probably tell me I’m wrong once you hear it.

My theory is this: you have rescued us from environmental Armageddon by selflessly sucking up all the excess heat from the atmosphere, utilising the highly advanced technologies built into your spectacles. Thanks to your efforts we should soon expect a reduction in global temperatures.

If I’m right, then you really must be suffering. It can’t be comfortable with all that heat inside you, and I’m surprised you haven’t just burnt up. It’s no wonder you’ve releasing so much hot air through various orifices, because if you held on to all of it your head would eventually blow off. What astounds me is your continuing dedication to the wellbeing of humanity, even with all of that going on inside of you. You didn’t have to give us advance warning of your gas release events, but thanks to your scheduling we know to expect a blast of hot air every Friday. I appreciate the warning, and have decided to work four days a week from now on so I can stay at home on Fridays with my doors and windows closed.

If this isn’t how you did it, and if it wasn’t those craaaaaaaazy red-rimmed glasses combined with the awesome hot-air capacity of your lungs and posterior region, then the only other solution I can come up with is magic. I’m not a big believer in witchcraft and paranormal events, because to believe in something I usually need actual evidence. But in this situation there really isn’t any other explanation for how you could just decide one day that one of the world’s most intractable problems has vanished.

I’m not generally inclined towards religion, but this whole situation has left me questioning what is real and what isn’t, and wondering whether greater powers may be at play. I’ve even wondered if you might be Jesus, but you don’t much look like the pictures of the Messiah I’ve seen, which usually depict a man in robes and a beard, who generally isn’t wearing craaaaaaaazy red-rimmed glasses. Could you be some sort of minor god or other deity? You must be.

No doubt you’ll be too busy to read this letter, and I expect you’re already planning your next humanitarian effort. Your global warming trick did catch me off guard, so I don’t really want to speculate on what you may have planned next, although I expect it to be something big, like ending hunger or abolishing all crime. But if you do have a bit of spare time to exert some godly powers, may I put in my own modest request? I’ve attached to my letter a list of names of various people I know. I really am sorry that it’s such a long list, but I seem to know such an awful lot of people. If you get a chance, would you be so kind as to give them all a good smiting?

Uncle Ernie: Hidden In Plain Sight

2011-12-15T19:20:00.000+13:00

A mate of mine wrote this week:

The Greens are dangerous. They are more than a polite group of tree-huggers, slug-savers and water samplers but you rarely, if ever, hear of the more sinister planks of their policy, which are frightening to say the least to those of us who care about what really matters.

I almost had a turn when I read that. By God, the hippies have a secret agenda! I always wondered what their ultimate goal was, but I never suspected their plan was to exterminate the young and elderly, and force everyone into same-sex marriages against their will.

If I am to be forced into wedlock with another man at my advanced age (oh the horror!), then my only hope is that he is at least someone young and with some vigour about him. A smart young man in a police or military uniform would at least make the ordeal less harrowing.

Jesus wouldn’t approve of this, I’m sure. If he were here today Jesus would damn all the Greens to Hell for their deviant and murderous ways, because damning others is what Jesus does best. Don’t be fooled into thinking that Jesus was always nice and would never hit back hard and ruthlessly against wrongdoers. That’s just what the liberals want you to think. So when Jesus said all that stuff in the Bible about loving one another he wasn’t being serious. People shouldn’t take literally everything that the Good Book says. For example, the Book of Exodus says that anyone who works on the Sabbath shall be put to death, but nobody seriously thinks it’s a good idea to kill people who work on a Sunday. A thorough beating with clubs and sticks will usually be perfectly adequate.

My mate reckons that it’s a good thing we have Winston Peters back in Parliament. My mate says that if Peters and his offsiders do nothing else in the next three years than stand against any move by the Greens and/or Labour to advance their murderously liberal humanism, they will have the gratitude and the support of hundreds of thousands of New Zealanders who see the sanctity of life as the bedrock on which civilised society is built. I paraphrase, of course.

I couldn’t agree with him more. There’s nothing more insidious than a set of political beliefs that preaches respect for the environment and others, and tolerance of diversity and the views of minorities.

And is there anything more damaging to a society than allowing two people in a committed relationship and who love each other but just happen to be of the same gender to share the bonds of marriage?

Let’s be having no more of this humanistic humbug!

Another mate of mine says the evil plans of the Greens are social engineering of the worst kind, and by God he’s right! Can there be anything more sinister than a terrifying social engineering campaign, except when it involves an elderly white man telling people they must comply with his narrow worldview formed by decades of comfort, privilege and bigotry?

Pensioner Couple Trumps Higgs Boson Discovery

2011-12-15T07:53:00.000+13:00

Physicists elated at what they believe is their discovery of the Higgs boson particle have been shocked to learn that a British pensioner couple may have beaten them to it.

The Higgs boson, commonly referred to as the “God particle”, is a sub-atomic particle believed to have given mass and energy to matter after the Big Bang.

Scientists have been working at the CERN research facility in Switzerland to find traces of the particle. Their work has involved smashing particles together at near light-speed in the Large Hadron Collider.

Yesterday project staff announced that they had found traces of what could be the Higgs boson.

But Doris Bingle of Leighton Buzzard, 74, has told the BBC that she and husband Norman discovered the Higgs boson three years ago while tidying their attic.

“We inherited the house from Norman’s mother about ten years ago,” explained Mrs Bingle.

“We knew the attic was full of boxes of old photos and papers, and about three years ago we finally got around to sorting them out.”

Mrs Bingle said she found the Higgs boson particles in a box of old papers.

“The box was full of all sorts of old rubbish. Letters, manuscripts and the like. I found some tatty old handwritten manuscript with the words ‘Love’s Labours Won’ on the front and I remember asking Norman what we should do with it. We finally agreed to throw it in the rubbish, but just as I went to throw it in the bin something fell out from between the pages.”

Mrs Bingle said she was stunned by what she found.

“I said to Norman ‘oh, that’s one of them Higgs boson particle things, that is!’ There it was, as clear as day, lying on the floor of our attic. Well, we could hardly believe our eyes!”

The couple searched further and found five more particles hidden between the pages of the old manuscript.

Mrs Bingle’s husband Norman said the couple then had a debate about what the particles might be.

“They looked more like neutrinos to me,” said Mr Bingle.

“I said ‘throw them away, dear, they’re of no use to us.’ But she wouldn’t. Doris is a terrible one for hoarding, you see, so we wrapped them up in an ugly old drawing from a man called Picasso that my Mum used to know, and then forgot about the whole thing for three years.”

The particles found by the Bingles were positively identified last month during filming of an episode of Antiques Roadshow.

“They were making a show just down the road, and we remembered the particles and wondered if they might be worth something,” said Mrs Bingle.

“We spoke to the man at the Early 21st Century Atomic Physics table, and he confirmed they were Higgs boson particles, just as I first thought.”

“And she’s been giving me grief about it ever since,” added Mr Bingle with a sigh. “I don’t know how we’ll afford the insurance.”

A spokesperson for the CERN research facility confirmed today that the Bingles had been first to discover the Higgs boson.

"Despite investing billions of dollars into this project, it appears we have been beaten to it by a pair of pensioners," said Dr Roy Akemund from CERN.

"We have been in contact with the British couple and have agreed that the particle should be renamed the Bingle in honour of their discovery.

“On a personal note, the fact that I have wasted the last thirty years of my life searching for something that was sitting in an attic in Leighton Buzzard is a bitter pill to swallow.

“I never even wanted to be a physicist, but my father, who was also a physicist, told me I had to take over the family business. That was back when every village had its resident physicist who was regarded as an upstanding and respected member of the community.

“How times have changed! Gone now is the little village physics shop where you could while away a summer’s afternoon chatting to a customer about atmospheric pressure and the likelihood of liquid precipitation while your prepared her weekly order of quantum electrodynamics.

“Nowadays all the physicists are crammed into vast and soulless universities and research institutes. At CERN alone there are thousands of us. We are an army of little ants scurrying from one experiment to the next.

"Is that any kind of life for a man who as a boy dreamed of a career in Irish folk dance?"

In Response To John Pagani

2011-12-14T15:34:00.000+13:00

No it's not.

To The Disappointed

2011-12-14T08:10:00.000+13:00

I have some advice to those Cunliffe supporters now suffering from the anguished disappointment of their hopes.

Hush now.

Even if he wasn't your pick, David Shearer is a good man who has given a lifetime of service to others. He may not possess the flowing oratory that your man does, but flowing oratory isn't everything. Look at Barack Obama's popularity ratings.

Give Shearer a chance and then, if he fails, you'll be free to say "look, I told you this would happen!"

But "this" hasn't happened yet. Give him a couple of years to prove himself.

One thing is certain. Labour will not win in 2014 if its supporters continue to publicly chip away at the party and each other.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, and if you decide that Labour's no longer your cup of tea then by all means say what you feel.

But the only way we will get a Labour government in 2014 is if the party is disciplined and on-message.

One of the criticisms of Labour I heard an awful lot prior to the election is "they don't deserve to run the country if they can't run their own party."

It is a fair criticism. The party made an awful lot of mistakes in the last three years, and allowed a perception to grow in the media and in the minds of the public that Labour was disorganised and lacked a clear vision. Its attacks on the government were often misdirected and frequently resulted in injuries due to friendly-fire.

Sometimes it takes a bad election loss to bring reality crashing down, and my feeling is that is has. There is an appetite for change within the party, and hopefully Shearer and Robertson are the people for the job. If we don't support them, and if we spend the next couple of years bemoaning the decision not to select Cunliffe, we will probably see a National victory in 2014.

And another thing. Some people have been predicting that the selection of David Shearer spells the end of Labour as a credible political force.

But even if Shearer fails, the party will survive. It's been going for almost a hundred years now, so I don't think it's too bold a prediction to say that the party will endure the fallout from this leadership battle.

Analysing The Reshuffle

2011-12-13T08:01:00.000+13:00

The King of the Gods, Zeus, yesterday announced a reshuffle of his pantheon, in an effort to freshen up his front bench.

Getting the pantheon lineup right was always going to be one of the trickier tasks facing the Father of Gods and Men, and he will have had to manage some bruised egos during the process.

One of the biggest beneficiaries is Hades, King of the Underworld. The Ruler of the Dead has been a strong performer over the last term and has been rewarded with an elevation to number four in the pecking order. Hades keeps the pits of Tartarus, but also assumes responsibility for economic development, science and innovation, tertiary education and associate finance.

Poseidon, the Earth Shaker, retains responsibility for the earthquake recovery, while Hephaestus remains in the engine room of Zeus' administration, retaining the critical finance role.

With Apollo's departure from the pantheon, Athena moves into the Justice role. Putting a god already at war with the legal profession into the role may be a gamble, but the King of the Gods will be relying upon Athena's famed cleverness and skill in war to ensure all opposition to her is crushed.

Her brother, Ares, the God of War, picks up Defence after impressing with a number of aggressive corporate box displays, and he also gets State Services and an Associate Finance role.

The list is notable for the number of women promoted. In particular, Demeter gets agriculture, while Artemis gets Sports and Recreation.

Hera also moves up into the front bench, but retains her Social Development and Youth Affairs portfolios, after a strong performance in which she drove Heracles mad and destroyed his family. Zeus will be hoping she can do the same with other families.

Hermes remains towards the bottom of the list, but retains the Building and Construction and Customs portfolios.

But with any reshuffle there are inevitable losers. The biggest loser is Atë, who has been stripped of education and now slips out of the top tier, after a ruinous display of folly and delusion in her portfolio.

Later today the Titans announce a new leader. They will be hoping that a new leadership and front bench will increase their chances of ending a long exile in Tartarus. It is expected that an announcement will be made after lunch today.

And Locusts Too

2011-12-12T07:57:00.001+13:00

Danyl thinks the Labour Party's problem is that it's "full of hysterical simpletons", on the strength of a silly piece written in the Herald on Saturday by David Hawkins, a Cunliffe supporter.

But as excruciatingly silly as the Hawkins piece is, it's just one person's opinion.

It's also a partisan opinion that a journo sought out. I know this because I was asked to write a piece in favour of one of the candidates for the same issue of the Herald. I had to decline, because they wanted me to pick sides and I didn't want to.

If you go hunting for dissension and controversy you'll find it in any political party if you dig deep enough.

Every political party has its share of over-excited partisans. They're usually young, and they see things in black and white.

A party that doesn't have this type in large numbers is probably on the path to extinction.

Elsewhere, predictions are being made that Labour may end up regretting the openness of its leadership contest, because a bunch of people have posted strong opinions on The Standard. And yet The Standard is no more representative of the Labour rank and file than Kiwiblog is representative of National's mainstream membership. Both sites attract heated, excited commentary, usually from the same handful of people.

I know many non-Labour people are praying that the losing candidate will go feral, but I suspect there will be little tolerance for dissent or whining within the party once the contest has ended. The process has been more open than in previous years (although it would be even better if members got to vote), and efforts have been made to give party members the chance to see and to question the candidates. If after all of that some MPs do not get behind the new leader I suspect their colleagues will shun them.

That probably won't prevent a flood of excitable and outraged posts from supporters of the loser on The Standard or Red Alert, and I fully expect to read predictions of doom and disaster, of various plagues of frogs, lice, boils and hail, and of the extinction of the Labour Party as a political force.

My own bold prediction is that none of those things will come to pass.

The Labour Leadership Indecision

2011-12-11T21:08:00.001+13:00

So I went along to the Labour Party leadership debate/discussion today in order to make up my mind.

It didn't work. I'm still an undecided non-voter.

The issue for me is one of presentation. I am convinced that both Shearer and Cunliffe are, by and large, politically in about the same place. I don't see the leadership campaign as a left versus right battle, and the issues they spoke about during the meeting made it abundantly clear to me that they want the same things and want to take the party in much the same direction.

So it comes down to this: is the best leader going to be the superb communicator who can cast a spell over an audience during a speech and who has a grasp of policy detail? Or will he be the guy who is less polished but has spent his life living Labour's values?

To connect with the disaffected voters who turned from Labour in their thousands do we need a great orator who can savage the government in the House, or do we need someone with a compelling life-story who provides a stark contrast to the money-trader who made millions on the financial markets?

Cunliffe's almost Obama-like style of oratory will have appealed to many in the audience today. There were even the hoots and cheers from his supporters that you would expect from a US Presidential campaign. Shearer, by contrast, was down-to-earth, and for some will have presented as an agreeable alternative to the hype and noise of Cunliffe and his supporters. Shearer exudes a genuine humility that some say will make him a potent force against the Flash Harry currently in charge of the country. Others, however, think someone with a bit more "mongrel" is needed to match John Key.

Well I don't get to vote, which is probably a good thing. I don't see how anyone can be totally convinced one way or the other about who is the best candidate. Each man is a gamble, because he has obvious strengths and weaknesses. Neither man is the complete package, but then who in a leadership role ever is?

A quick comment on the deputy leadership contest. I have not heard Nanaia Mahuta speak before, but she impressed. Grant Robertson was also a compelling speaker, and he is unquestionably a future star. I'm not sure if either is ready for the role yet, but in the case of Mahuta that's because I haven't seen enough of her.

Putting aside the question of who the right candidate is, what strikes me about the leadership contest is how the party has opened up and listened to criticism. At the meeting there wasn't too much blaming of the usual suspects (e.g. the media, public stupidity, others on the left, etc etc), and all of the leadership candidates seem to understand that the party has failed to explain to the public why they should give Labour their vote. It feels like any lingering complacency from the Clark years is disappearing.

Finally, a prediction. I don't have any inside knowledge, and I haven't heard any whispers from within the caucus. But while I can't personally choose between the two Davids, I suspect Shearer will win it by a couple of votes. Note: this is not a confident prediction, so don't hold it against me if the other David wins.

Poor Dears

2011-12-11T20:56:00.001+13:00

David Farrar is upset:

Labour wonder why they are known as the nasty party and their vote dropped. Look at Carmel Sepuloni’s response to winning Waitakere:
‘‘I don’t think Paula Bennett has been good for Waitakere,” she said.

”At the end of the day, the voters have spoken. And despite the fact it is close, it just goes to show that there are 11 more people that think she wasn’t [good].
This reminds me of how Labour MP Kris Faafoi after his narrow victory in the Mana by-election, labeled Hekia Parata a two time loser. So classy.

Has Kate Wilkinson got up and said nasty things about Clayton Cosgrove whom she beat? Has Nicky Wagner put the boot into Brendon Burns? Did Nikki Kaye’s team put the boot into Jacinda Ardern when she conceded, or did they give her a round of applause?

The only thing worse than sore losers is ungracious winners. Perhaps Carmel could have said things about what an honour and privilege it is, and how she will work her hardest for all her constituents – rather than put the boot into her opponent.

I hope the new Labour leader can help engender a culture change within Labour.

I'm sorry that David Farrar thinks it's ungracious of a successful candidate to slag her opponent. Even if what Sepuloni said was, in the scheme of things, quite mild.

But there's a reason why the people of Waitakere rejected a high-flying cabinet minister, and it wasn't because they thought she was too nice for politics.

To Bennett's credit, I haven't heard her whine about the result (update: I was wrong). It's only those folk who (ironically) trade in character assassination and negativity that are complaining that the guns have for once been turned on one of their own.

Phil and Carmel's Greatest Hits

2011-12-10T18:54:00.001+13:00

David Farrar: (20 March 2010)

Sepuloni is probably the candidate with the best chance to take the fight to Paula Bennett. I don’t think she’ll beat Paula, but she’ll do better than a white middle aged guy would, to be blunt.

Twyford was proclaimed as one of the new high flyers. However if he loses tonight, it will shoot his credibility to shreds, considering it will be his third effective rejection in a row, having been scared off Mt Albert and Auckland Central. Some in Labour will not want to embarrass Twyford like that, even if they think Sepuloni has a better chance.

Chris Trotter: (20 March 2010)

UNBELIEVABLE! The Labour Party has just offered the NZ electorate further proof (if any more was needed) of its accelerating political infirmity.

It has just selected Carmel Sepuloni as it Waitakere candidate.

In making this decision it has not only chosen wrongly, but it has also dealt what may prove to be a fatal blow to the career of one of its more talented MPs, Phil Twyford.

[Trotter then expounds on his dubious "Waitakere Man" theory]

Carmel Sepuloni’s going to win back those voters?

Yeah, right.
The truly sad aspect of today’s selection is what it tells us about the paucity of talent in Labour’s ranks.

And (in the comments to that post):

[Phil Twyford's] enemies in the EPMU, combined with his possession of a penis (and, increasingly rarely for a Labour MP - a pair of balls) have reduced his chances of securing a solid political base to something approaching zero.

Those same handicaps also put his position on the 2011 Labour List in doubt.

Clearly, being an intelligent and compassionate human-being, with an impeccable background in the voluntary/humanitarian sector, counts for far less in Labour circles than having a few union mates and a vagina.

Tim Watkin: (March 24 2010)

I suspect quite a few working class New Zealanders look like Sepuloni. I don't know her; neither her scrappiness nor her campaigning ability. So I'm in no position to write her off before the next election.

But Labour hardly looks focused in Auckland, or refreshed with new talent. Phil Twyford – the man who everyone likes but no-one wants – has been allowed to stand (or almost stand) and lose in three electoral seats now. Is that how you treat a man of his talent? It's appalling mismanagement. And to however many Aucklanders are paying attention, it looks shonky and undermines his efforts in the Super City debate, sending the message to Aucklanders that the man chosen to lead the party's attack on the Super City isn't worthy of a seat in it. Clumsy is the kind word for it.

Cameron Slater (20 March 2010):

The interesting thing about Repulsion Camel is no-one really knows who she is. In a meeting with some of the senior Pasefika community leaders in Auckland they were saying “we don’t know her. It isn’t a surprise that she isn’t known in the Pasefika community, which is largely Auckland based, because she was born and raised in Taranaki and from went into the union movment. She is about as Pasefika as I am because I was born in Fiji.

Someone (repeaters) should ask where she is from, what her Pasefika credentials really are, or is she just playing on the funny name and the brown skin. If she is she picked the wrong electorate to play the race card.

Back to the Pasefika community, basically if you raise a name with these folk that person will be someone’s cousin/aunty/uncle pretty much every time. Repulsion Camel isnt, and the community leaders just don’t get why Labour are promoting her because she has no standing in the Pasefika community.

“Luimachuwumbama” Winnie Laban & Su’a William “So-so” Sio do have standing, they are known, they have credentials and while the Pasefika community leaders don’t really rate “So-so” he has a chiefly title and has some respect. there is a reason Repulsion Camel doesn’t have a title, the face doesn’t fit, she is a carpet-bagger from Taranaki for Waitakere and a carpet-bagger trading on her brown skin in the Pasefika community.

If the Greens selected Robyn Malcolm then they may come second pushing Repulsion Camel to third place.

Phil Twyford went on to win selection for the Te Atatu electorate, and he won the seat with a healthy majority. Carmel Sepuloni won Waitakere by 11 votes, although a judicial recount seems likely.

(Hat tip to Russell Brown (@publicaddress) for some of the links)

This Was My Year!

2011-12-10T13:38:00.001+13:00

Does anyone else in the blogosphere agree I should have been New Zealander of the Year?

I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet or anything, but I have achieved a lot over the last 12 months.

I didn't kill anyone this year.
I didn't cheat anyone out of their money.
I didn't use ruthless violence to advance my nefarious and dubious schemes.

My achievement in refraining from these things deserves some sort of reward, surely. Otherwise why should I bother being non-evil?

Instead they gave the gong to a rugby player. I've nothing against Richie McCaw, but the way he kept the entire nation in a state of barely restrained near-panic over that foot of his ought to justify some sort of sanction. How dare you, sir! How very dare you! My poor heart has still not recovered.

I'll begrudgingly admit that winning the Rugby World Cup was important for the nation, particularly with the shitty year people have had.

But McCaw's had all the adulation he could ever want for that achievement. This was my year. My year!

"You talkin' to me?"

2011-12-09T08:26:00.001+13:00

Hayden Donnell of the Herald reports:

New Zealand First leader Winston Peters has refused to say whether he backs one of his new MP's calls to ban the burqa and arm taxi drivers.

Richard Prosser, who is ranked number four on the New Zealand First list, has been publishing his thinking for nearly 10 years in his Eyes Right column in Ian Wishart's Investigate magazine.

I am delighted that, with the demise of ACT and the disappearance from Parliament of oddballs and eccentrics like John Boscawen and Hillary Calvert, NZ First is stepping up and filling the void.

Satirists need have nothing to fear from the new Parliament, even if Muslim women now do.

Mr Prosser wishes to arm taxi drivers, presumably so that in the event of a fare dispute the driver is able to protect himself by blowing the brains of the passenger all over the back window.

As an aside, does anyone know if drivers plan to charge the estate of the deceased disputant for soiling the cab? If not, murdering their passengers in a frenzied and bloody rampage may just not be worth the inconvenience for drivers.

When a person steps into a cab they entrust their life to a complete stranger. Sometimes their life really does hang in the balance. I have been the terrified subject of more than one or two crazy taxi rides in various parts of the world, and in places like Cairo you really are risking your life when you step into a cab.

But I would much rather take a ride in a cab driven by a Cairo coke-fiend than be the passenger of a Kiwi car where the driver is packing heat.

Surely the oddest thing about this Herald story is the headline. When did Winston refusing to answer journalists’ questions become newsworthy? A headline like “Winston gives straight answer to question” would be more shocking.

Which Candidate Gets My Non-Vote?

2011-12-08T08:00:00.000+13:00

When David Shearer announced he wanted to be Labour leader I didn't know what to think. Then, when it appeared he was favoured by the party's "old guard" and by right-wing bloggers alike, I began to move more towards the Cunliffe camp.

But then I realised it's hardly Shearer's fault if a bunch of people he has nothing to do with decide they prefer him over Cunliffe.

Also, while Shearer may be the man many of the "old guard" want to see lead the party, he also seems to have the support of many newer MPs.

Is he a reform candidate? Who knows?

So I just can't decide who my non-vote should go to. Cunliffe has experience in politics and is a more media-savvy communicator. On the other hand, Shearer has a background in aid and humanitarian work and seems to be a genuinely nice guy. Is he too nice for politics? Shearer hasn't been around long enough for us to know, and he hasn't made much of an impact in the House yet, but he has successfully led teams in third-world hell-holes, so the Labour job ought to be a cakewalk.

The party shouldn't take too seriously Brian Edwards' opinion that Shearer is a terrible communicator and would therefore be a disaster as Labour leader. I've listened for the last five years as various people on the left have panned John Key for murdering the English language and having an awkward and clumsy speech delivery style. If anything these things have made Key more endearing to middle New Zealand. We do not do soaring oratory in this country.

As a fully paid-up member of the Labour cabal I will go along to the public meeting on Sunday in Auckland to listen to the candidates. Perhaps then I will have a strong view on which of the two men would be the better leader.

But it would be even better if I got to cast a vote on the matter. The Labour Party needs to consider as part of its proposed review a process where party members can actually vote on things like the leadership and, God forbid, even the party list. The party list Labour put up this year was about as attractive to voters as a cup of cold vomit, so the current selection process clearly doesn't work.

If that is too radical a solution then I have a more simple one. Just give me a right of veto over all Labour Party decisions. My status as a blogger means I have all the answers, so what could go wrong?

Not Irony #2

2011-12-07T07:59:00.001+13:00

Over at Kiwiblog David Farrar writes:

The teacher unions insisted national standards should be trialled before implementation, yet are furiously against charter schools being trialled.

Are they worried the trial might be a raging success?

What are the problems with this analysis?

The teachers unions don't want National Standards at all. They don't want a trial. But because they don't much like the policy and think it will fail, they believe that a limited trial would have been a lesser evil than a full rollout.
It's entirely possible that opposition to charter schools is based on a dearth of evidence that they will lift the achievement levels of those most in need.
Based on overseas evidence, which is mixed, it would take an incredible optimist to expect charter schools to be a "raging success". It's unlikely that such fears are behind teacher opposition.
The charter school plan is also opposed by principals and school trustee groups. Not just the teacher unions.

Keep them coming, David. I'm not stalking you, honest.

Welfare Reform Must Start At The Top

2011-12-06T20:21:00.001+13:00

I'm pleased to hear the Government is going to appoint someone to manage the money of those irresponsible folk who suck off the public teat.and can't budget properly.

It's about time someone took the finance portfolio off Bill English.

The Two Most Powerful Arguments They Can Muster

2011-12-06T19:36:00.000+13:00

Let’s sum up the arguments by the main players for and against Charter Schools.

Educational experts:

There’s little evidence that Charter Schools will make a difference to those who most need help. The evidence from overseas is mixed, and while some studies have shown that kids from Charter Schools can do well, there is also evidence to show that this is very often at the expense of disadvantaged kids, who are often discouraged from attending such schools because they drag the averages down. The evidence is inconclusive at best.
Schools already have a degree of autonomy under existing legislation, although they must still adhere to certain minimum standards if they want state funding. So what will Charter Schools give us that the current system does not already provide?
If Charter Schools are to be trialled to see if they work, why weren't National Standards also trialled first?
OECD rankings regularly rate New Zealand near the top for quality of primary and secondary education. This shows that the generally the problem with learning is not poor schools or teachers.
Children who come to school hungry and have major issues at home are harder to teach. That’s why low decile schools on average do worse than high decile ones. The key to lifting performance is to address poverty-related issues.
If schools were better funded they would be able to devote more resources to those children who struggle with learning. If the aim of the policy is to focus on struggling children, why not just give more money to existing schools?

Government/ACT:

If the teachers unions are against it then, by God, it must be a good idea!
Oh well, bad luck, that’s MMP for you.

Not Irony #1

2011-12-06T18:48:00.001+13:00

David Farrar applies some wonky logic in order to blame everything bad the Nats do on the left.

If all the lefties had not tactically voted NZ First to get them over 5%, then National would have 63 seats and not need ACT and United Future to govern, and hence it is far less likely that ACT would have got agreement to have a trial of charter schools. When the main party *needs* you, you will get far more wins than when they simply *want* you.

What's wrong with this analysis?

"All the lefties". NZ First got 6.8% of the vote. How many of those people were "lefties?" I'd be guessing, but maybe half at most. So that's maybe 5-10% of those "lefties" who voted. Most "lefties" have little time for Peters.
"hence it is far less likely that ACT would have got agreement to have a trial of charter schools." That assumes National reluctantly conceded to ACT's demands and was not in fact a willing participant.
If John Key and his proxies had not spent the fortnight before the election shrilly denouncing Winston Peters and all his evils, we might have had a majority National government. Even if we assume National is being forced to concede anything it doesn't really want, it's an own-goal. Farrar can't really blame the left for the horrendous tactical blunder he and others made in giving Peters publicity.
If charter schools really were unpalatable to National they could have said "no deal" and just given John Banks a win with something else. It's not as if ACT campaigned on charter schools, so I'm guessing it was never going to be a deal-breaker.

If any group of voters is to blame for the National/ACT deal, it's those voters who gave National their party vote and/or John Banks their electorate vote.

Did You Vote For Charter Schools?

2011-12-05T20:36:00.001+13:00

I wonder if it has ever occurred to John Key or John Banks that the fact so many people leave school without an adequate education might not always be the school's fault.

Now they are embarked on an ideological crusade to introduce Charter Schools in an effort to improve the lot of children. Unfortunately for Key and Banks, the answer is not to set up schools with public money but no public accountability (I thought National were meant to be the fiscally responsible ones...), but instead to help lift families out of poverty.

In general there's not a lot wrong with our school system. It's not perfect, but it is miles ahead of the education systems in many other countries. Education is one of the things we do well, even if the results aren't always obvious.

But when the kids you're trying to educate come from broken homes, have behavioural issues and are coming to school hungry, it doesn't really matter what you try to teach them, because it probably won't make a difference.

I have a theory that John Key is more than happy to be seen to cave in to John Banks' demands, because they're things he'd quite like to do but doesn't have the political courage to announce as National policy. Now he gets to have his way while the other John looks like the villain.

Did you vote for this?

Can This Snail Be Saved?

2011-12-05T20:18:00.000+13:00

United Future leader Peter Dunne has unexpectedly been appointed the Associate Conservation Minister.

The announcement came today after the National and United Future parties signed a confidence and supply agreement.

Dunne says he is looking forward to the new challenge presented by the Conservation role, and cites preservation of the endangered Giant Grey Snail as his main priority.

“Saving this animal from extinction is my number one task”, said Mr Dunne.

The Giant Grey Snail’s numbers have declined rapidly over the last decade, to the point where the species is now regarded as critically endangered.

The snail is particularly slow and sluggish, and is vulnerable to predatory attacks. It has only survived so long because its dull colour allows it to blend in with the environment and remain largely unnoticed.

The species leaves the relative safety of its home to mate every three years, and it is during this mating period that it is at most risk of being devoured by a predator.

Conservation experts have questioned Mr Dunne's commitment to saving the Giant Grey Snail.

"It is too late," said Dr Simon Tapwell, an expert in snails and other gastropods. "Action needed to be taken ten years ago. No matter what the government does now, it's obvious that the Giant Grey Snail will be no more by the end of 2014."

But Dunne has dismissed such predictions.

“They’ve been saying for years that the Giant Grey Snail is on the brink of extinction. And yet this resourceful little creature just won’t give up.”

Dunne says he is also committed to putting substantial resources into a sustained campaign of pest eradication.

“We have a lot of work to do to ensure creatures like the Giant Grey Snail are protected from predators. I'm referring to predators like the Silver-Tongued Snake.”

The Silver-Tongued Snake is known to prey on animals like the Giant Grey Snail and the Yellow-Tailed Poodle. However, efforts to eradicate the pest to date have failed

The Department of Conservation said in 2008 that it believed the Silver-Tongued Snake had been eradicated. However, a colony of the noxious reptiles was discovered just over a week ago.

Dunne says he is thrilled and excited to be able to pursue a lifetime passion.

“Conservation has been a hobby of mine for many years,” said Dunne.

“I have worked tirelessly towards conserving my status and privileges ever since I became a parliamentarian in 1984.

“I know more than most people about conservation. I have managed to ensure that, no matter who the government is, and no matter whether it leans to the left or right, I always get to sit at the top table.”

Is Labour's Leadership Race About To Get A Whole Lot Jollier?

2011-12-04T15:31:00.001+13:00

A new contender appears to be about to make a shock bid for the Labour Party leadership.

Mr Santa Claus, a prominent North Pole businessman, is reportedly looking at joining the contest to lead the party.

St Nicholas could not be contacted for comment on rumours of a leadership bid, and a spokesperson for Santa's company said he was "focusing right now on just another busy Christmas."

However, sources inside the Santa camp have confirmed that the jolly fat man in a red suit has assembled a campaign team of PR advisers, lawyers and MPs, and will launch his leadership bid within the next few days.

Claus has an impeccable background in humanitarian work, having toiled tirelessly for decades to provide presents for boys and girls all around the world.

His wealth distribution efforts may appeal to those within the Labour caucus who long to return the party to its socialist roots.

But critics say there is a dark side to Santa's dealings. His activities are shrouded in mystery, and some have accused him of outsourcing his business operations to the North Pole in order to avoid paying taxes, and to keep wages low.

Claus is seen as a political novice, but he would also be untainted by anything that has gone on in the party beforehand.

Father Christmas is immensely popular with the young, and has a huge and loyal fanbase. Last weekend tens of thousands of people flocked just to see him ride a customised vehicle down Queen Street.

Political commentator Dr Bryce Edwards believes Santa could be a huge hit with voters.

"He has an almost rockstar-like presence, combined with a common touch," said Dr Edwards.

"Santa's the sort of guy who's in his element when he's hanging out in a shopping mall talking to future voters about their dreams and aspirations. He's a natural, and he would almost certainly give John Key a run for his money."

However, because St Nick is not currently a member of the Labour caucus, the rules governing the party would need to be changed to allow him to contest the leadership. It is not known whether this can be achieved before the December 13 vote takes place.

It is also unclear how many MPs are ready to swing behind a Santa bid for the Labour leadership, or for a change in the eligibility rules. However, one insider confirmed that a number of MPs were considering backing Claus, after being disappointed with the performances of both David Cunliffe and David Shearer during the recent leadership debates.

Those caucus members reportedly considering a vote for Claus include several long-serving MPs, who see in him a safe and steady pair of hands who would not look to impose radical change on the party.

However, St Nick's quest for the leadership is likely to be opposed by a number of MPs from non-European backgrounds. They point out that, for all the good deeds Santa has done, he has gone out of his way to avoid helping children in places such as China, India and the Middle East.

One caucus member, who would not be named, said that the last thing the party needed was a "tired, racist old white guy in charge."

Another said he was concerned about Santa's apparently arbitrary selection of "naughty" and "nice" children.

"Such a policy disadvantages children with behavioural difficulties," said the unnamed MP.

"Very often those difficulties arise as a result of poverty and a lack of educational opportunities. It is no coincidence that children from Maori and Pacific Island families will be disproportionately affected by Santa's welfare policies.

"It's cultural imperialism of the worst kind."

Claus' environmental credentials have also been widely attacked in the news media.

In February the environmental group Greenpeace labelled St Nick's chimney-only policy "eco-terrorism" and Santa himself as "the coal industry's number one bagman".

Public pressure forced Santa in June to announce that he would now include chimney-less houses in his visiting schedule.

Dr Bryce Edwards says claims that Santa is an elderly reactionary are exaggerated and that making Santa leader of the Labour Party should be a "five-second decision".

"Father Christmas is probably the most popular man in the country, if not the entire world," says Dr Edwards.

"And the astonishing thing is that if Labour instead goes for a middle-aged insider in a grey suit, nobody will be at all surprised."

Team Shearer Receives Further Endorsements

2011-12-03T15:41:00.001+13:00

David Shearer has moved ahead in the race for the Labour Party leadership, after a number of prominent figures endorsed his candidacy.

Shearer received a critical endorsement yesterday, when political commentator and National Party member David Farrar declared that Shearer would be a better choice for the party.

And the prospects of Shearer’s rival David Cunliffe were dealt a savage blow yesterday, when former Labour MP John Tamihere attacked Cunliffe’s choice of Nanaia Mahuta as deputy leader.

While Tamihere is no longer closely involved with the Labour Party, he remains highly influential amongst the party’s most sexist brain-farting boofhead pea-brained loudmouths.

But it is the endorsement of David Farrar and others that may end Cunliffe’s leadership bid.

In an opinion piece in the New Zealand Herald on Friday Farrar praised Shearer for not having an ideological dislike of the private sector, and for supporting the involvement of private companies in UN peacekeeping and security operations.

Shearer’s chances will receive a further boost if he can also secure the support of a group of influential former Labour MPs that includes Sir Roger Douglas, Richard Prebble, David Caygill and Peter Dunne.

He will also be hoping that John Key, the most popular PM in decades, offers his support.

Shearer’s greatest asset is that he is largely unknown, even though he appears to be backed by many of the party’s longest-serving MPs, some of whom have been in Parliament for more than two decades.

His opponent, David Cunliffe, is promising a “cleanout”, while those long-serving MPs backing Shearer appear convinced that the cleanout must start at the very top, provided it ends there.

The prospect of a cleanout and radical change will terrify those MPs who think that the only reason for Labour’s loss is that voters collectively made a terrible mistake. Many MPs remain convinced that radical change is not called for and that the voters will miraculously wake up some time before 2014 when John Key’s smile fades.

Shearer remains something of an unknown quantity, and it is possible that despite being supported by the party’s old guard and by right-wing figures outside the party he will prove himself to be a reformer and a powerful spokesperson for social justice.

That would be a bitter disappointment to many, particularly those who have the most to fear from a change of direction by Labour.

Stopping The Gays From Ruling The World

2011-12-02T07:53:00.001+13:00

Audrey Young in the Herald on the Labour leadership race:

And Shane Jones is also an outside chance as a running mate. He and Mr Shearer together would represent a return to a more pragmatic party, with less emphasis on gays and feminists.

Last time I checked roughly half the voters were female. What exactly is pragmatic about putting less emphasis on the issues confronting half of the voting public?

And where exactly in Labour is the gay emphasis? Has the party proposed gay marriage? Nope. Has the party proposed that gay people should be allowed to adopt? Well sort of, half-heartedly.

Is the gay community over-represented in the caucus? Unless there are a bunch of people still to come out, the answer appears to be a resounding no.

If Labour wants to have a long-term future and wants to remain the main party of opposition, the one thing it must do is actively and loudly represent the interests of women and the gay community.

Cunliffe v Shearer

2011-12-01T16:49:00.001+13:00

The Labour leadership battle just gets more interesting. David Parker pulled out today and is now publicly backing David Shearer. I'm glad, not because I want Shearer to win but because I thought Parker was probably the weakest candidate of the three.

I can't actually choose between Shearer and Cunliffe, as both candidates have pros and cons. The deputy leadership position looks a bit more interesting, and the party has the potential to really stuff things up if they get the mix wrong.

Leader

I don’t have a strong view on which of the two Davids should be selected as leader.

Cunliffe is a good debater and communicator and has the ability to take the battle to John Key. He was one of Helen Clark’s more able ministers, is smart and is sharp-witted.

Some people have suggested Cunliffe has few friends in caucus, and that he can be arrogant, but I’m not sure how valid those claims are. Admittedly, I don’t really know the guy other than from what I see and read, and have met him only once. But he was perfectly affable and friendly on the day I met him (as politicians generally are when they have their game face on).

I also like David Shearer for the role, because his background in humanitarian work makes a compelling life story that would be irresistible to many voters. If the leadership is to be awarded to the person who most appeals to the public over the next couple of weeks, I’d say Shearer would have the job.

What makes me wonder whether Shearer’s the right person is the fact we haven’t really seen much of him yet. I don’t really know too much about his political leanings, though with his background one can only assume he must fit in well with Labour’s core values. I also don’t know that much about his ability to handle the rough and tumble of politics. This is not a dig at his experience, because he has led teams in difficult environments. But managing party politics is different to running a humanitarian mission. That’s my concern. It may well be that running the Labour Party is a breeze by comparison to the many challenging roles Shearer has had in the past, but the job is different. Is Shearer up to the task? I just don’t know.

On the other hand, I can understand entirely the desire by many to bring in a new leader untainted by what has gone on before.

They're both so good that it's a pity we can't have co-leaders, but it's not the Labour way.

Deputy

I understand politically why Cunliffe has chosen Nanaia Mahuta as his running mate. Mahuta seems to be well regarded within the caucus, and may also appeal to Maori and women voters.

However, Mahuta has a fairly low public profile, and I am yet to be convinced that she would be up to the task of deputy leader. The aim of promoting someone to deputy leadership to better represent the views of women and Maori is laudable, but it cannot be at the expense of the party’s fortunes. I just don’t know whether Mahuta is ready for this, but I suspect it may be beyond her.

Grant Robertson is another frequently being mentioned as potential deputy leader. Unlike Mahuta Robertson does have a high profile. But I am yet to be convinced that he is the right person for the job. Robertson has spent years inside politics, even before becoming an MP, and he worked for Helen Clark. However, voters have sent a reasonably strong message to Labour that they want the party to move away from the Clark era. I regard Robertson as one of Labour's most talented MPs, but his timing might be off.

Shane Jones is also a potential candidate. He would appeal to Maori voters but would also be attractive to many non-Maori. Jones is intelligent, witty and clever, but he probably stands a bit too much the right of the party, and he would also spend most of his time as deputy having to fend off lewd remarks about that incident.

My pick as deputy would be either David Parker, or whichever man loses the leadership battle.

If you have your own opinion please feel free to comment. We don’t get a vote in caucus, but the party does claim to be listening to us.

An Exclusive: Is National's New Caucus Harbouring A War Criminal? UPDATED!

2011-11-30T21:45:00.000+13:00

An investigation by this blogsite has revealed that the new National Party caucus may be harbouring the infamous Nazi war criminal Martin Bormann.

Bormann was one of Hitler's top henchmen, but his fate is unknown. Many believe he was killed while attempting to escape the fall of Berlin in 1945, but no solid proof of his death has ever been established.

This has led to speculation over the years that Bormann escaped and made a new life under an assumed identity.

We put to the National Party the claim that Bormann had come in on the party list as a result of Saturday's election, and we asked if someone from the party would be prepared to talk to us about the matter.

However, the party has refused to respond to our requests for an interview.

When we rang the party's head office yesterday we whispered very softly into the phone and mumbled a lot until the person at the other end of the phone hung up in disgust. Yes, that's right, they hung up on us when we started to ask the hard questions, albeit in a very muffled and indistinct voice.

Why would the party be so reluctant to talk if there was nothing to hide?

What makes this matter even more serious is that Bormann would have been ineligible to stand as a candidate under the Electoral Act, because he is not a New Zealand citizen.

So if National has nothing to hide then it's time the party came clean. National needs to answer some tough questions, like:

Is Martin Bormann one of National's new MPs?
If so, how long has the party known it has been harbouring a notorious war criminal?
Martin Bormann was born in 1900, so would be 111 years old. It would be difficult to hide that sort of decrepitude, unless there has been a concerted plot by the National hierarchy to conceal the truth from the voting public. So exactly what measures have been taken to conceal Bormann's age?
Have the National Party or any of its financial backers been funding medical research to prolong Bormann's life? Or plastic surgery to conceal his age?
What other Nazi war criminals, if any, is National hiding?
What influence has Bormann has on National Party policy?
Does National condone the deliberate flouting of electoral laws by its candidates?

Bormann (circled) with other members of the Nazi regime

It may be that the party inadvertently selected the geriatric genocidal monster, in which case the best thing to do would be to just own up.

In any event, it is obvious that the longer National waits to answer these questions the worse it will be for the party in the end.

National also needs to agree to fully co-operate with war crimes investigators, in order to ensure Bormann is finally brought to trial for his many crimes.

The millions of victims of Nazi atrocities cry out for justice. National, you owe the public an explanation!

UPDATE: No.

Today's Beat-Up

2011-11-30T19:22:00.001+13:00

The media, bloggers and politicians are in a lather over the name suppression granted to a former All Black.

To many people the name protection seemingly granted automatically to celebrities and sports stars proves there is one rule for the famous and one rule for us nobodies.

However, this belief doesn't always stand up to scrutiny.

In the case of the ex-All Black in question the charge involves an alleged assault on a child, and the name suppression is in any case interim.

In cases involving children, name suppression is common, regardless of who the accused is. It's likely that the reason for the suppression order was at least in part to protect the identities of the victim or young witnesses.

In any event the law has been changed to clarify that celebrity status does not in itself give someone a better right to name suppression. While the ex-All Black's name suppression bid was heard under the old law, railing against the inequities of the system seems like wasted effort when in future cases (at least in theory) celebrities won't get special treatment.

I commend you to read Steven Price's excellent post on this topic. He is more learned on such matters than I ever will be.

Reforming Labour

2011-11-30T08:26:00.000+13:00

Hard-hitting left-wing columnist and Chairman of the Workers Solidarity Party of Aotearoa, Bob Mittsky, returns with a new post on the plight of Labour.

Most of you who follow my work will be aware that I campaigned actively for the Mana Party during the election campaign.

Sadly, I came to the realisation that the party is hopelessly reactionary and filled to the brim with class enemies like John Minto and Sue Bradford. They rejected my suggestion that I run as co-leader with Hone Harawira, and the public punished them for it.

I have now washed my hands of them. But another party is in turmoil and I sense there may be opportunities for genuine revolutionary reform within the Labour Party.

Below are a few modest suggestions on my part for Labour to consider.

Destroy the Greens

They are the enemy and must be obliterated. That means no deals, no dialogue, and outright hostility at every step. They stole Labour's votes and must pay the price for their treachery.

Re-engage with the unions

Labour was created from the union movement, and that is where it must return. Too many members and MPs are middle class or come from professional or managerial backgrounds. Membership of a union must be compulsory before anyone can join the party.

Stability and experience

Forget all the hogwish about renewal. Labour needs wise heads right now. The departure of Goff and King will be a big loss, but there are other experienced people there to take over the role. A Mallard/Dyson team would deliver that experience in spades and would have the public flocking back to the party.

They will suffice as caretaker puppets, until the unions can secure enough votes to purge them from the party altogether in a bloody coup, and install a team with the correct view on the proletarian struggle.

I might add at this point that I have just joined the Party.

Return to socialist roots

All middle-class bourgeois sentiment must be ruthlessly expunged from the party, in favour of all-out class warfare. The capitalists have stolen our country from under our noses, and must be made to pay the ultimate price.

And let us remember the thousands of small business owners who have turned away from Labour in the last few years. They cannot be rescued from their hopelessly capitalist condition, so we will introduce policies to destroy them and implement a socialist utopia.

Secrecy

I have heard all too many calls for the process of policymaking and leadership selection to be more open and transparent.

Well our enemies would say that, wouldn't they? Of course they want to see what we are doing!

But let's not play their game. A highly secretive party apparatus with questionable accountability, and mysterious selection processes, are essential to keep the other parties guessing.

And anyone within the party who criticises that secrecy is a class enemy. Let them speak up now, so that they may be re-educated!

New North Shore MP Denies Leadership Plot

2011-11-29T19:49:00.001+13:00

Speculation is mounting that North Shore MP Maggie Barry will seek the leadership of the National Party, after she told reporters there would be no CBD rail link.

The gardening guru's decision not to proceed with the rail link, only a couple of days after being elected in a safe seat, surprised many commentators. This has in turn led to speculation that Barry may have the numbers to replace John Key, and that Barry is confident she will shortly have the power to kill the rail project.

While Key is regarded as a strong campaigner and a crucial asset to the National Party, it is understood that some caucus members prefer a leader with more hands-on gardening experience.

Critics have been impressed by Barry's campaign for the North Shore seat, and credit her winning the seat to the fact that she was a member of the National Party.

"Had Ms Barry decided to contest the seat for Labour she would have lost, " observed right-wing blogger and newspaper columnist Hansell Le Rou.

"Joining the National Party was a brilliant tactical move that ensured she delivered the North Shore seat safe and sound to National. As opposed to any other National candidate, who would have done the same thing.

"Well done, Maggie. You have pulled one out of the bag for the party!"

"Barry's decision to be both sentient and human has saved the party a lot of potential grief," said former National MP Donald Grout.

"Had National stood a mule or a chicken for the North Shore seat, the inevitably victorious animal may have been subjected to a messy legal challenge following the election.

"We might have seen much the same thing had the party stood a jar of marmalade as its candidate. I've no doubt the jar of marmalade would have won comfortably, but some litigious busybody may have objected.

"Having a living, breathing human as the North Shore MP avoids such an unnecessary distractions. We owe Ms Barry a debt of gratitude."

Ms Barry denied she was looking at the National leadership.

"I have only been in the job a couple of days," she told reporters from her garden as she planted a row of Imperial Hubris flowers.

"I'm still finding my feet and there's so much to learn. I won't have time to think about the National Party leadership until later in the week."

My Advice To ACT

2011-11-29T08:43:00.001+13:00

Ditch John Banks

He will just destroy what remains of your party. This will be a hard call, but it is the right thing to do.

Banks is a moral conservative with authoritarian impulses. He is now contemplating talking to the Conservatives, although to his credit Colin Craig wants to go nowhere near the festering and pus-filled wound that is the ACT Party.

ACT was founded in the principles of classical liberalism and non-interference by the state in both the economic and personal spheres. But many of ACT’s policies (e.g. in the law and order area) are profoundly illiberal. No wonder they sit at 1%.

Ditch the brand

The ACT brand is forever tarnished, and will always be associated with the likes of David Garrett, and with other assorted oddballs and misfits. The party needs a new name and a new brand.

Do a cleanout

I don’t know much about the internal workings of the ACT machine or its governing board. Clearly, however, that governing body has failed miserably. Its members should all be sacked.

Don’t be a National poodle

What exactly is the point of ACT right now? Is there a single policy that ACT would stand against if National proposed it? I can’t think of anything National might realistically propose that ACT would say no to.

People don't have a good reason to vote ACT. Voters may as well stay with the Nats.

Don’t follow my advice

I’m happy to see ACT remain the 1% party.

Zip It

2011-11-29T07:57:00.001+13:00

I fully appreciate that deciding not to vote for anyone in an election can be a valid choice, and I would never support a compulsory voting system.

I am always prepared to excuse a person who made a conscious decision not to vote.

But how many of the hundreds of thousands of people who didn't vote, or didn't even bother enrolling, fall into the "consciously decided not to vote" category?

I imagine a good number of them instead fall into the "something was good on the telly so I stayed home" category", or the "nah, politics doesn't affect me" one.

In Egypt there is an election where people are queueing for hours and hours just to be able to vote. Old folk in their 80s are voting for the first time in their lives, and they are thrilled at the chance they have been given.

I won't hold it against you if you didn't vote, because you may have had a good reason not to.

But if your reason was "too busy mowing the lawn to bother," or "had a big one the night before so stayed in bed all day", then I don't want to hear a single whinge from you during the next three years about either the government or opposition parties. You had your chance to make a difference.

So What Have We Learned Since Saturday?

2011-11-28T20:17:00.001+13:00

John Key says the election has delivered him a mandate for asset sales, even though National got less than half the vote. On that argument Labour also has a mandate for raising the retirement age and for a capital gains tax.
People who didn't vote for the party I voted for are stupid. Just stupid. Now I don't have to examine why they voted that way, because... well, they're just idiots, you idiot!
The Maori Party say they are opposed to asset sales and won't vote for them. How very brave of them to show some spirit. Even if that spirit lasts about five minutes.
The 5% MMP threshold needs to be reduced. The only +1% party to miss out this time around is Colin Craig's Conservative Party. Surely Mr Craig should be entitled to expect a better return on his money.
Everyone on the right from the PM to bloggers seems to have a pet opinion on who the next Labour leader should be. We should listen to their views, because they only have the good of the Labour Party in mind.
As awful and as crashing as Labour's defeat was, quite a lot of people still voted for them. 27% may not sound like much, but it's still much more than all the other opposition parties combined. If they had increased their vote by a quarter they might have been in a position to form a government right about now. So things need to change, but it's hardly the death of the party.
Chances are this is National's high point. John Key will have trouble convincing people from now on that everything bad is Labour's fault. He will have to find another scapegoat. My pick is the Greeks.
As much as we may all hate Winston, he can't do too much damage in opposition. In fact, he'll probably turn out to be John Key's worst nightmare in the House.
For all the talk about the fresh faces in the National caucus, there's still no obvious successor to John Key.
People stayed home from the election in their thousands. Not exactly a vote of confidence in the Opposition, but what does it say about the government? At best it is a resounding "Meh".
Some potential Labour leadership candidates are highly vulnerable to attack over their pasts. Imagine the attacks from the right if David Shearer became Labour leader: "Shearer claimed to have saved 20 million lives in his role as UN Humanitarian Coordinator, but he only saved 15 million! Liar! How can this man be trusted?"
Despite Labour's defeat the sun still came out on Sunday. That hot scorching vicious bitch of a sun!
Tau Henare is still a list MP. I am happy.
I will not be the next Labour leader. That I promise you.

What’s The Hurry?

2011-11-28T20:10:00.000+13:00

Until Phil Goff steps down as Labour leader (which I think is a given), there will be a clamour within the media to pick his successor. Already a handful of names are being circulated, and I have it on good authority (from a source outside the party) that at least one of the contenders has been doing the numbers (but my lips are sealed!)

But the worst thing the party can now do is rush to choose a successor. What I’d like to see is an announcement by Goff that he will step down, but not until after the new year. That would give the party a couple of months to reflect upon what went wrong and what needs to change, and to properly debate who is best to deal with the challenges the party now faces.

The new leader will need to be clear and focused. One of the problems with the first two years of the last parliamentary term was that Labour were all over the place and frequently off-message. That cannot be allowed this time.

The new leader must also be untainted by any serious wrongdoing or questionable conduct. There are clouds hanging over two of the five or six contenders being spoken about, although in both cases the matters in question are minor. One has the potential to lead to ongoing embarrassment and ridicule, which is why I am picking that potential candidate won’t stand.

The leader must also be a unifier. For all the things we on the left might like to say about John Key, we could learn a lot by studying how Key first neutralised and then accommodated Bill English during National’s last leadership change. Helen Clark did much the same in the mid-1990s with Cullen. Rather than pitting one leadership pairing against another, one option is to run a “dream ticket” comprising the top two candidates. That assumes, of course, that the leadership ambitions of the loser can be stifled and that those who voted against the loser can stomach seeing that person as deputy. And yet Helen Clark made it work – eventually.

Most of all the new leader must be able to slug it out in the House with John Key. In my mind a couple of the main contenders, while able and likeable and with impressive pre-politics CVs, may not be up to the task. There is no time to learn on the job.

But these are only my initial impressions, and as we see more of the future stars of the party step up in the next few weeks it is possible I will see them in a different light and will reassess my views.

The biggest challenge leading up to 2014 is renewal. I have reflected a bit since Labour’s 2011 party list was first released, and I was probably far too kind to Labour at the time. In hindsight the list composition was a major mistake, and the party now has perhaps six to eight MPs who might have usefully moved on to retirement. The party cannot afford to lose the likes of Sepuloni and Nash, and there is plenty of talent at the lower end of the list. Phil Goff and Annette King have said they will stay on until the end of their terms, but I wonder if they would be better off stepping aside at some point during the next three years, in order to transition some new people into parliament. I can think of at least three other Labour electorate MPs who perhaps need to think about doing the right thing by the party.

But there’s no hurry. The media might be itching to see a bloody battle kick off, but it won’t be in the interests of the party to provide them with such sport.

Candidate Remains Confident Despite Receiving No Votes

2011-11-27T19:57:00.001+13:00

Independent candidate Dwayne "The Dude" Baker said he remained confident of a good result from his election campaign, despite not receiving any votes in Saturday's election.

Mr Baker campaigned for the Te Atatu seat in the general election, but failed to secure any votes.

Baker's name was not on the ballot paper, after he failed to submit papers to the Electoral Commission by the cut-off date.

The controversial former Labour MP said he was happy with his campaign, and remained confident he would still be in the running once special votes were counted.

"I am totally stoked, dude," said Mr Baker from his flat in Henderson yesterday. "They haven't even finished counting the votes, so anything can happen."

Mr Baker was undaunted by reports that the total number of special votes to be counted was less than the winning margin on the night by Labour MP Phil Twyford.

He said he was also not concerned at the fact his name was not on the ballot paper.

"I rang the number for the Electricity Commission on Friday night and said I wanted to run, but it's not my problem if they don't check their messages.

"Those fascists just don't wanna know about the Real Deal," said Mr Baker.

"But I won't be silenced. The people will rise up and be heard. This ain't over, my man."

Mr Baker was a Labour list MP until a few months ago. He was ejected from the Labour Party after a live interview on the Campbell Live television show. Mr Baker told host John Campbell that cabinet minister Paula Bennett was a "hot babe", and that he would "totally, like, tap that."

Baker was ejected from the party a week after the interview. Labour leader Phil Goff said Baker's behaviour was "disgraceful, boorish and offensive to all women. That is not the way I expect a member of my caucus to conduct himself in public."

It was not the first public incident involving Mr Baker. Labour Party leaders had become increasingly exasperated by his behaviour well before his ejection from the party.

Earlier this year Baker admitted planning to vote for National, and he also admitted entering into discussions with Hone Harawira about forming a new political party.

Mr Baker had sought the Labour nomination for Te Atatu back in 2010, but a mix-up meant he failed to get his nomination in on time.

Baker admitted to reporters he had spent all election day knocking on doors, and telling people to vote for him.

"I felt like total shit, because Baz and some mates were around my flat last night and we got totally wasted. But I still managed to get up about lunchtime to knock on some doors in Epsom with my mates."

Mr Baker said he was not concerned that Epsom was not part of his electorate, or that he had broken the law by campaigning on election day.

"Nah, not even bro. I'm not going doorknocking around here, because every second house has a big dog, and being mauled by a dog would, like, totally suck. Plus Epsom's a sweet place, and the houses are real fine.

"Best of all, Baz reckoned he spotted a few houses we can bust into later, with heaps of sweet stereos and flat-screen TVs.

"That's going to buy us a mountain of shit to smoke.

"And no cops are gonna tell The Dude what he can and can't do on his weekend. It's a free country, man!"

Mr Baker said he did not know what he would do if he failed to return to Parliament.

"Not having an MP's salary would cramp The Dude's style, there's no doubt," said Mr Baker.

"I am one for the ladies, as you well know. I've never met a lady I didn't want to tap. Except my Mum. And Gran.

"The ladies like a man with the cash, but if I lose I'll make do with my charms and my style," said Mr Baker from the lounge of his flat as he scrounged around the filthy floor for three-day-old pizza while wearing only stained underpants.

He said he was thrilled at the result of a recent magazine sex survey that found 95% of women would sooner go to bed with Paul Holmes or a rotten pig's carcass than the former Labour MP.

"Five percent rated me ahead of Paul Holmes and the pig. That's, like, one in twenty! "

"So there are thousands of women who will let me bone them in some circumstances. Sweet as!

"I'm a grinner, I'm a lover, and I'm a sinner. The ladies can't keep their hands off my stuff."

Sunday Horror

2011-11-27T19:48:00.001+13:00

I hate post-mortems. All that blood, and the smell. The smell!

Maybe It Is Over After All

2011-11-27T09:02:00.001+13:00

It was pretty obvious that Labour was going to lose, and I had adjusted for that reality. I never listen when people say "oh but don't believe those polls, they're biased because [insert pet theory]". The polls predicted a Labour vote in the mid-late 20s, and that's what we got.

So no great shocks really. I am delighted that my local candidate, Phil Twyford, smashed Tau Henare convincingly to take Te Atatu, and I'm proud to have been part of his campaign.

I'm also sad at the loss of so many good Labour MPs, like Stuart Nash and Carmel Sepuloni (although Sepuloni may still scrape in on special votes). Many other good candidates missed out, because they were given list places too low, and because the party decided that a bunch of people whose time has passed should be protected.

This was the biggest mistake Labour made. Its election campaign was a good one, but the damage had been done months before.

The fact that National ran an awful and clumsy campaign and that it didn't make a bit of difference to the party's vote, indicates that most people made their minds up long ago.

And now we have potentially weeks of intrigue over Labour's leadership. I hope they don't rush the decision about who the leader should be, because there needs to be debate about the direction the party is to take.

The good news is that National has now had three years to fix things. In 2014 Key's efforts to blame Helen Clark's government are going to sound piss-weak.

Not Over Yet

2011-11-27T08:52:00.001+13:00

Thousands of special votes remain uncounted. So why have commentators called the election so early?

It's not over yet!

WE CAN STILL WIN THIS!

It's Over

2011-11-26T19:02:00.000+13:00

We have three years now to enjoy/regret/curse/celebrate what the voters of NZ have given us.

I spent the day doorknocking, and the vibe was good in Te Atatu. Whether the good vibe translates to a positive result for Labour remains to be seen.

Even if Labour doesn't win tonight, I'll be pleased if Phil Twyford gives Tau Henare a good belting.

Comments have now been enabled again, and all the posts that were kin moderation have now been released.

Now I am off to celebrate/commiserate at electorate HQ.

Election Day Post #10

2011-11-26T18:00:00.000+13:00

They say all good things must come to an end.

But they're probably the same people who told me to invest in Hanover Finance.

Election Day Post #9

2011-11-26T16:30:00.000+13:00

I happen to be a big believer that people should [redacted].

That's why I intend to [redacted] today and why you should too.

In fact, if you don't [redacted], you'll only have yourself to blame when [redacted].

Am I clear?

Election Day Post #8

2011-11-26T15:30:00.000+13:00

This is a square.

But if you lengthen two of its sides, you can turn it into a rectangle.

How cool is that?

Election Day Post #7

2011-11-26T13:30:00.000+13:00

It's funny how what I say at 6:59 pm can get me into trouble, but I can say the same thing at 7:01 pm and all is well.

Well to hell with all of that. I'm making a stand. I have something to say!

I think Justin Bieber would make a wonderful PM.

Election Day Post #6

2011-11-26T12:00:00.000+13:00

Has anyone actually been to Botswana? It sounds like one of those made up lands. Like Narnia, or Middle Earth, or Canada.

I would like to go to Botswana one day.

Election Day Post #5

2011-11-26T11:00:00.000+13:00

My favourite colour is...

Oh, wait, that might get me arrested today.

Let's talk about something else instead. Who likes jam?

Election Day Post #4

2011-11-26T10:00:00.000+13:00

I would eat more cheese if I could. I'm not fussy on cheese. It's my greatest weakness. Well, that and committing acts of evil.

Election Day Post #3

2011-11-26T09:00:00.000+13:00

This is a picture of Pythagoras.

Election Day Post #2

2011-11-26T07:48:00.000+13:00

Hippos kill about 300 people a year in Africa. They don't look that dangerous, do they?

Election Day Post #1

2011-11-26T07:20:00.000+13:00

It's incredible the things you can do with needlework.

Turning Off

2011-11-25T17:50:00.000+13:00

Unfortunately I have to close off blog comments before midnight tonight, due to our absurd and outdated electoral laws. I have set my blog so that all comments posted will go to moderation, and I will then release them after 7:00 pm tomorrow.

I have done this now, as I am out late tonight, and the last thing I need as I stumble home inebriated at 1:00 am is a squad of police cars outside my house waiting for me, with Inspector Plod of the CIB Electoral Crimes Division ready to cuff me and take me down to the station for questioning.

I can only imagine the grilling I’d get from those hardened cops.

“I thought I’d seen it all,” Inspector Plod will tell me as we face off against each other in the police interview room.

“Murders, muggings, and crimes against women and children. But your flagrant breach of section 197 of the Electoral Act 1993 is a crime against the very fabric of our society!

“You disgust me!” he will yell before running out of the room to be sick in a rubbish bin.

I’m also pretty sure I’d be in for a hell of a beating by the cops.

So I’m not gonna break no laws. This means comments go off until after 7pm on Saturday.

But don’t worry, people, because I have organised something special on this site for the day of the election. Wait and see.

A Warning And A Simple Plea

2011-11-25T13:50:00.000+13:00

The Herald’s John Armstrong asks, should we prepare for the zombie apocalypse?

Armstrong is referring to the rise of Winston Peters from the dead, but what he fails to appreciate is that a much more real zombie menace is around the corner.

You may scoff, but I am convinced that all the signs are pointing to a catastrophe if National wins the election tomorrow.

If I were you I would be taking in stocks of fresh water and checking you have lots of batteries, torches, dried food and sharpened stakes.

Because if we wake up on Sunday to a National government, I predict the dead will rise from the graves in their millions, threatening the entire human race.

These undead monsters will have but one goal: to devour our brains!

You don’t believe me. I can tell by the shaking of your head. You think this is just some desperate ploy by a Labour hack to discourage people from voting for National.

Well you may think that, but let me ask you something... how did you pick it?

Was the zombie dawn thing just pushing it too far?

How about a Chinese invasion? That would bring together two very powerful themes: our fear of losing control of our lands and assets to foreigners, and the latent fear of Asians that bubbles away in so many people.

Would that make you change your mind about voting National?

What if I convinced you that National has plans after the election to abolish the environment and replace it with a motorway. Would that work?

Or how about the almost certain fact that if John Key wins another term he will throw off his suit, start wearing a black uniform and grow a moustache, and organise mass National Party rallies up and down Queen Street?

None of this is working, is it? I've also tried over the last few months to explore on this blogsite all the very real and lousy things National is doing or has planned, but to no avail. I see then that I must adopt a different stratagem.

I would try bribing you for your vote but apparently that’s illegal, and I’m also told that threatening to do harm to you and your family if you don’t vote as I command may give rise to some less than desirable legal consequences. I’ve always said that our criminal laws are mostly just a lot of red tape nonsense and unnecessary regulation, but I have no choice but to follow the rules.

So if I can’t frighten you into voting Labour, and if I’m not allowed to threaten or bribe you, that really leaves only one tactic...

Please vote Labour.

Please.

Pretty please?

Please, I’m begging you. Please!

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please is this working yet? please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please what about now? please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please.

Please?

Request For Urgent Assistance

2011-11-24T19:38:00.000+13:00

Greetings to you!

Allow me introduce myself to you. My name is Hon Steven Joyce, and I am top official National Party.

The leader of party, His Excellency Right Honourable John Key came into a great deal of power three years ago after many battle with enemy forces, but due to numerous of complications and legal issue pertain to electoral laws, his power has been unable to exercise fully.

These various bureaucratic and administrative complexions mean that the power His Excellency would wield must be subject to coalition partners. If full majority obtain in Parliament, these difficults would dissipate.

Hence, good sir, I am write to you on entire confidential basis in the hope of solicit your most generous assistance.

To enable His Excellent's power unleashed unbridle we humble and sincere request that you honour us with your party vote this Saturday.

In returns for party vote, I can assure that you will be most grievously reward.

I am instruct to inform you that in returns for party vote, you will receipt a Brighter Future, as well as benefit of Strong and Stable Government that Have Ambition for All New Zealands.

His Excellently also instructing me to assure that, despite holes on the government budget projectings big enough for walking flock of goat through, his government are Pay Down Debt Faster.

Lastly, Rt Hon Mr Key’s government will Rebuild Christchurch. It in fact main party at war with His Excellency government, Labour, vowing to destroy that magnificent city and all the peoples within.

This may sound too good for be true, and you may wondering why you trust the wording of man who so blatantly braked promises over GST, and who now trying to conceal informative about shading deals with ACT, and about advising he got from officials over fact SOE shares ending up mostly in foreign hoardings.

But you may rest assured, good sir, that this is not a scam! I give you my wording as a Man of God.

So give us your party vote if you want good things happen. In return for which the Brighter Future you so rightly desire be yours in abundant.

What have you lose by giving one tiny little vote to the National Party?

I am most confidence you will see this for the once in lifetime opportunism it is. A chance to enrich yourself and your family, while at the same time help a good and honourable man come into his powerfulness.

Many thankings for your time, and I await most eager your response.

May God be with your.

Steven Joyce

Right Whingers: Edition XXXVIII

2011-11-24T08:43:00.001+13:00

Isn't it amusing how, after having it almost entirely their own way for most of the last three years, supporters of National now accuse the media of political bias?

David Farrar also worries that the media are no longer simply publishing National Party talking points as news.

Could the answer be to put Paul Henry on TV3 24-7? They should do a whip-around to try keep Henry in New Zealand.

Maybe the problem for these folk is that the media are just not biased enough.

Crunching The Numbers: Voting Strategically On Saturday

2011-11-23T20:31:00.001+13:00

I've been crunching the numbers and feeding them through some algorithms, all in an effort to help people work out how they should vote if they want a Labour-led government.

With MMP each voter gets two votes, and there are lots of tactical voting decisions to make. How you cast your vote will have a big impact on which party wins power, so voters will have to be canny about the choices they make.

The purpose of this voting guide is to help centre-left voters make the right choices.

I'll break it down in steps, because some of the nuances of the MMP system mean it can be difficult to understand what you need to do.

Here we go.

Party Vote

This vote is really critical and will determine who forms the next government.

Vote Labour.

Electorate Vote

This is where it gets complicated, so I'll go through this slowly.

Vote Labour.

Except in Epsom, where you need to vote National (urgh!).

I appreciate that was probably quite complex, but it's worth rereading if you want a Labour-led government on Sunday.

You're welcome!

Don't Stay Home

2011-11-23T07:44:00.001+13:00

The worst thing about National winning a majority of the seats in Parliament and being able to govern alone, is that it would give John Key the unbridled power he so desperately craves.

Key is no student of history, and he appears intent on ensuring New Zealand repeats many of the mistakes it made in the 1980 and 1990s. That means more asset sales and more deregulation.

As a result the gap between the richest and poorest will increase over the next three years, if National is re-elected. I would put money on that.

John Key has managed to convince a large number of voters that he is a political moderate, and that he won't do anything sudden or frightening. However, Key and his cabinet have only contempt for the state sector, a contempt that comes out whenever they begin talking about the public service. It's a fair bet that we'll see more moves in the next three years to gut the public service, and to deregulate. Indeed, if National secures a majority the temptation to take radical measures will be irresistible.

John Key has promised not to sell any state assets during the next three years, if re-elected, other than the four he's said will be part-sold. This will be a difficult promise to keep, and I expect we will see a move to put plenty more of our SOEs on the block during that time. This broken promise will be justified in the same way that the "no GST-rise" promise was. We'll be told that Key's plain words actually meant something else and that a lie is no longer a lie.

Key will also have the benefit of an economic crisis to justify extraordinary measures. Europe remains at the point of collapse, and internal pressures continue to mount within New Zealand. The massive insurance problems in Christchurch, which National has no interest in helping to resolve, are looking like they will delay the rebuild by potentially years. And National has announced no new policies to turn around the four decades of economic slide our country has experienced. National's answer is for us to sell more dairy and meat, but we are in the midst of a commodities boom and yet still find ourselves going backwards. What's going to happen when the boom times end?

The 2011 election is not yet lost, but even if National is pulling ahead that's no reason for voters on the left to give up and stay home on election day. Labour supporters who may be feeling discouraged need to remember that the election is just one battle in a larger campaign for the future of this country. A heavy defeat will prolong the campaign, so if Labour supporters stay home and don't bother to vote, they may be dooming New Zealand to six more years of National rule, not three.

If Labour is hit hard in the polls this time, it will be more difficult for Labour to present itself as a viable alternative to National in 2014, because the party will potentially lose a lot of good talent. So it is critical that Labour supporters don't sit at home this time round.

If you don't like the direction this country is going in you have two main choices. You can leave and go live elsewhere (as thousands are doing), or you can vote for a change.

You don't have to vote on Saturday, and you are perfectly entitled to just stay home and opt out. But if you don't like the direction this country is going in you can take a stand and vote for a change of government. Deciding there's no point in voting will just keep things as they are.

More BS By Nats On Asset Sales

2011-11-22T21:08:00.001+13:00

So it turns out that National's claim 85-90% of the SOE shares to be sold (if National wins on Saturday) will remain in New Zealand hands was based on nothing more than a few informal chats with market contacts.

Could you imagine if it turned out that these same contacts turned out to be people like stockbrokers and consultants who, by some strange coincidence, ended up considerably better off as a result of the SOEs shares being put on the market?

But that couldn't happen, right? John Key wouldn't try to trick us like that, would he? He promised us a brighter future.

What he didn't mention was that your brighter future was across the Tasman.

"I don't understand! I thought they all loved me!"

2011-11-22T08:22:00.001+13:00

Maybe Maggie Barry thought that being the North Shore candidate for National would be a stroll in the garden.

Imagine her surprise! It turns out that some people don’t actually like the National Party!

I’m not condoning verbal abuse or spitting, but if Ms Barry is really that upset over being told she’s not welcome in a cafe, and if she is really that horrified that someone could spit at her feet then, well, she’s in the wrong game.

The thing about politicians is they have to be prepared to take the knocks and just keep on smiling. Having a thick skin is obligatory, and the most you should ever do when someone is having a go is just quietly walk away.

This might have something to do with Barry not having been tested politically before. It is almost as if one day she woke up and decided “gosh, wouldn’t being an MP be nice? The people love me, after all”.

The reality of being a politician is much tougher, no matter who you are. This is true even in a safe National seat like North Shore, a seat so safe that if the Nats put up as their candidate Vlad the Impaler he’d win handsomely.

If Barry really is distraught because (shock! horror!) some people actually don’t like politicians, then the next three years will be an interesting experience for her.

Waiting For The Worms

2011-11-21T08:35:00.001+13:00

Tonight is the leaders debate on TV3, and the network will be trialling a new technology called the Reactor.

It’s basically just the Worm 2.0, and it sounds to me like just another stupid gimmick.

Apparently there will be a panel of uncommitted voters, and that the panel will give its reactions separate to the general public. But unless that panel has been randomly chosen and is of a big enough sample size, then I don’t see what we will learn.

Of more concern is the fact that the public will also be able to give their reactions. Sounds fine in theory, except that the results will be skewered by the involvement of party activists. Both National and Labour are telling their supporters to use the Reactor, presumably to boost their own guy and to give negative feedback to the enemy candidate.

And I suspect we’ll be all so focused on who’s doing well and who’s bombing in the Worm that we won’t actually be listening much to what the leaders have to say.

We’re also being warned that after the debate there will be half an hour of “expert analysis”. God help us if that awful Claire Robinson is called in to give her view on who looks good or who had the best smile. I swear I’ll just hang myself if she has anything to do with the show.

The best of the leaders debates so far has been the one held by The Press. It was streamed live and had no ad breaks, and the only gimmick was the live Twitter feed (which should probably have been ditched). Best of all no so-called experts were involved to give empty-headed opinions on who was winning or losing.

I appreciate that they just can’t run a debate on primetime TV without ad breaks. The interruption of ads is just something we have to live with, and we should lower our expectations accordingly. But the other toys and gimmicks are just a further distraction.

Will we learn anything useful from the debate tonight? I suspect the only thing we’ll learn is which party has mobilised more activists.

Going Alone

2011-11-21T07:55:00.001+13:00

National's plan to target Winston Peters is a gamble. With the ACT vote collapsing, and with Peter Dunne at risk of not winning his seat, John Key is making a pitch for the Nats to govern alone.

Of course, Key won't explicitly state that is his goal. But I'm sure Key's focus this week will be on a "strong and stable government".

We had strong and stable government in the 1980s and through the first part of the 1990s. The country has never recovered.

Sowing Fear

2011-11-20T20:14:00.001+13:00

I'm guessing John Key feels bulletproof right now. Having seemingly stared down the news media over the "teapot" tape, he has now moved into the next phase of campaigning: scaremongering and dog-whistle politics. Meanwhile the flood of people leaving to try a better life in Australia continues.

Scaremongering

Key has been warning the public about the dangers of Winston Peters. Key is warning that if NZ First holds the balance of power we will have to have another election.

I'm not sure how Key comes to this conclusion, because if Winston holds the balance of power we'll have a Labour government. Nobody seriously believes Peters' pledge to stay out of government. He said the same thing in 2005.

I'm not a fan of Winston Peters, but if we cast our minds back to the last Labour government we ought to remember that despite all the crap with Winston towards the end, actually the government was quite stable.

So when John Key says we'll have another election if Winston Peters holds the balance of power, he's scaremongering.

His tactic may well backfire. Traditionally when politicians round on Peters his support goes up. Those who are inclined to vote for NZ First may see Key's attack as an attempt to stifle democracy. Which it kind of is. I don't much like Winston Peters, but if a large proportion of the population decide to vote for the guy then that is their right.

Dog-whistling

On 3 News tonight John Key warned about the dangers of a Labour coalition with Winston Peters, Hone Harawira and Metiria Turei.

The decision by Key to name Turei over co-leader Russel Norman was curious, but then Norman is white. Unlike Peters, Harawira and Turei.

Brighter Futures

Meanwhile the young girl that John Key cynically used in a media stunt in 2008 and then promptly forgot has decided to move to Australia for a better life. National shows no interest in the poor, other than where its leader can get a good photo-op. This girl has obviously found her Brighter Future.

This family, chosen after the Herald on Sunday launched a quest for the Average New Zealand Household, has also decided to move to Australia for a better life and higher wages.

We were told by John Key that National would arrest the drain of talent to Australia, but it has only got worse under his leadership. National talks about closing the income gap with Australia, while at the same time introducing workplace laws that will cement our position as a low wage economy.

Why are we told to fear some other combination of political parties in control of government, when the current four-headed monster continues to make such a hash of things?

Why Labour Will Win

2011-11-20T13:45:00.000+13:00

Sometimes I'm asked why I support the Labour Party. People assume that because I'm a highly-paid professional I ought to be supporting the party that offers me the biggest tax cuts and, well, screw the rest of the country.

I tell people I support Labour because there's more to life than personal financial enrichment, and that I believe in social justice and a fairer deal for all.

But that is just some bullshit I made up to explain the real reason why I'm supporting the red team. Let me tell you the real reason.

Labour's going to win on Saturday.

You may scoff, and you may chortle, but it's true. I know it for a fact. I'm well aware of what the opinion polls say, and normally I would agree with you that to turn the deficit around in the space of a week would require an enormous effort and a lot of luck.

But this is going to be one hell of a week.

The real reason why I'm a Labour man is I always back a winner.

I'm going to let you in on a secret. My late mother had a gift. Call it the power of second-sight if you like. She could see things and sense things that others could not, and could predict future events with uncanny accuracy.

She never had much to say about politics, but I firmly believe some of her powers have passed down to me. I have seen the future with perfect clarity and I know exactly what is about to hit the fan and why John Key is about to have the worst week of his life.

Here's a brief summary of what we can look forward to.

Monday

After a busy afternoon of campaigning, the Prime Minister has one too many cameras pointed towards him. He reacts by punching the cameraman, smashing the man's equipment up, and then screaming abuse at the journalists nearby.

"When I have full control of this country, I will destroy all of you! I will have you all killed!" Mr Key will yell while the cameras continue to roll.

Tuesday

While campaigning in his Mt Roskill electorate, Phil Goff will see smoke coming from a nearby house. He will rescue twelve children from a house fire, despite being seriously burned. When asked what he thinks of Mr Goff's heroism, John Key will remark "It's a shame he got out alive."

Wednesday

A special New Zealand Herald investigation will reveal that the only reason the government's books are in deficit is because John Key has been spending millions and millions of taxpayer dollars at the TAB.

Thursday

Police will arrest Mr Key after the Prime Minister again assaults journalists, this time leaving seven of them in hospital. Key will spend the night in prison.

Friday

Mr Key will be bailed, and to the waiting media scrum outside the Auckland Central police station will break down in tears and admit he has been living a lie.

Key will confess to stealing the identity of a dead baby and will admit he got the idea from talking to a young David Garrett many years ago. John Key's true identity will be revealed as Natalie de Groin, a failed jazz singer from Rotterdam who emigrated to New Zealand at the age of twenty-three to escape a life of crime and prostitution. He/she will then resign as leader of the National Party.

In an emergency caucus meeting that afternoon, Paul Quinn will be elected as National's new leader.

Saturday

A foregone conclusion as the National vote collapses all around the country.

You probably don't believe any of this, but it really won't matter in a couple of days what you think, because I've also looked into the future to see what is in store for you next week. It's not looking good, and it's a terrible shame you won't be around to enjoy the victory celebrations.

Do you have life insurance, by the way?

Trying Hard To Lose

2011-11-18T21:50:00.001+13:00

National Party candidate for Epsom Paul Goldsmith last night told a business gathering in Newmarket that he was once a mercenary for former Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi.

The revelation came after a television news poll showed Mr Goldsmith is well in front of ACT's John Banks in the race for Epsom electorate.

Prime Minister John Key has already signalled that Epsom voters should cast their candidate vote for Banks but give their party vote to National.

Goldsmith has been trying to keep a low profile in an effort not to win the seat, but it appears that Epsom people are turned off by the prospect of John Banks becoming their electorate MP.

Speculation is growing that Goldsmith has been told by Key to do whatever it takes to lose the contest to the ACT candidate.

Mr Goldsmith told the Newmarket Business Association gathering last night that he had served with Gaddafi in Libya, but had been dismissed for gross cowardice and theft.

He also confirmed that he has dozens of convictions for fraud, arson, theft and sedition.

In addition, Mr Goldsmith confirmed he thought communism was an excellent political ideology and that, if elected as MP for Epsom, he would seek to confiscate all the finest houses in Epsom and turn much of the electorate into a gigantic collective farm.

He then proceeded to light a joint and smoke it slowly while saying "wow, man! Wooow!"

Two days ago Mr Goldsmith was seen pulling out election signs promoting his candidacy. Yesterday he was photographed stealing a handbag from an old lady. Journalists following his campaign reported that he also stopped at a war memorial to urinate on the cenotaph, and that later in the day he told members of a men's bowls club that he was sexually attracted to them.

Cecil Brown of the Parnell Men's Bowls Club said Mr Goldsmith behaved oddly during his visit to the club.

"When he came in and kissed both the President and Treasurer on the back of their necks I thought 'hello, here's a rum sort.'

"When he asked if he could take his trousers off because he was hot, and then began walking around the club in his underwear, the Club Secretary had to have a word with him about our dress-code. We didn't expect the poor bugger to start crying and rolling around the floor.

"I've been a National man since the day I was old enough to think for myself, and I always vote for the National candidate, no matter what. We've had some pretty useless ones in recent years, like that Worth bloke, but I still gave the bastards my vote.

"But not this time. Do you know what that Goldsmith joker did? He went to the bar and ordered a light beer shandy with a straw. A straw!"

Last night Goldsmith was interviewed by 3 News' Patrick Gower and asked to explain whether he wanted to become the MP for Epsom.

Mr Goldsmith was unable to answer the question, because the flames of the church he was standing next to and had just set fire to forced him to seek shelter.

When asked to comment this morning on claims he was deliberately trying to lose the Epsom race, Goldsmith said he could not talk because he was late to a meeting with the Mongrel Mob about joining their gang.

Goldsmith later appeared on Broadway Newmarket wearing the Mongrel Mob's colours and a gang patch, where he spoke to reporters.

When asked whether he was seeking to win the seat, Mr Goldsmith said "I'm too busy planning my next killing spree to focus on the electorate contest. Party vote National!"

Enemy Of The People*

2011-11-18T16:21:00.001+13:00

“If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear”.

It's the classic policeman's line when attempting to justify why the agencies of the state should be allowed to pry into our lives.

John Key is fighting madly to prevent the release of the recording of his conversation with John Banks. He has complained to the police, and the police are falling over themselves to be helpful to our PM. Within a couple of hours of receiving the complaint they had issued a warning to media organisations about the dangers of releasing details of what was recorded.

Don't you wish they could move that fast when people who aren't quite so rich and powerful are involved? If I'd been a private citizen and complained earlier this week that some idiot recorded my pub conversation, I'd be willing to bet I'd still be waiting for the cops to give me a call.

The police may be more than willing to do John Key's work, but even more troubling than the swiftness of the police response is the fact John Key immediately turned to the police to solve an essentially political problem. Troubling perhaps, but not surprising.

I have a theory that the lovable and affable John Key we all see on the telly is just a facade, and that he is at heart a smug authoritarian who won’t tolerate dissent.

This may sound absurd at first, but Key's actions in calling out the cops isn’t the first example of National clamping down on debate, dissent or democracy. Consider the following:

After the first Canterbury earthquake National pushed through emergency laws that gave ministers the power to ignore most other legislation. Even though every other political party cravenly voted in favour of the measures after an obligatory protest, the law was widely attacked within legal and academic circles as being unprecedented and borderline unconstitutional.
National has used urgency to push through legislation more than any other government. The select committee process exists to provide the public with the ability to have their say on draft legislation, and it's a system that works. Bills are very often amended following select committee hearings. But this government thinks it knows best, and it is not interested in what the public want. The use of urgency has prevented a lot of legislation from getting proper scrutiny at select committe stage. It seems clear that the only opinions that count to John Key are those of the focus groups his party commissions and polls.
National tried to push through under urgency legislation to legitimise retrospectively illegal police filming, thereby allowing police to spy on whomever they please. The measure was only watered down when just about every other political party complained. We were told by National at the time that if people had nothing to hide then they had nothing to fear from being taped by police. Note how only now the PM expresses outrage at the secret recording of individuals.
Calling the police on the news media may be a new low for the PM, but it's not the first time he's attacked a journo for doing their job. In May he launched a furious assault on the credibility of journalist John Stephenson, after Stephenson made allegations of SAS involvement in torture in Afghanistan. It was a cowardly and repulsive attack on a hardworking journo by a man drunk with power.
One of National’s latest law and order proposals is to change the law so that people who have served their sentences cannot be released if the parole board decides they are still dangerous. Think about it: a judge sentences you for five years, then an administrative board decides after you’ve done your time that you can stay a bit longer. That’s what they do in totalitarian states. It’s the sort of measure that is ripe for abuse.
When the Waihopai Three were acquitted the Justice Minister Simon Power threw his toys out of the cot. Instead of accepting the verdict of the jury and then moving rationally and soberly to review the law, he sought an urgent change in the law to ensure future vandal priests would have to pay for their ill deeds.
The government’s reforms of the justice sector have seen a clampdown in legal aid, making it harder for people to get legal aid, and making it harder for lawyers to claim it. These measures will make it much more difficult for people before the courts to get quality legal representation. But then why should the government care? Its behaviour is consistent with a regime that regards all people under accusation as being guilty.

With a government so authoritarian in its political instincts it’s no wonder the police are so eager to do its bidding.

I’m not trying to argue that John Key is some sort of secret Stalin. But his instincts are not democratic, and he is clearly used to getting his way. That’s all very well so long as people like him and are prepared to go along with what he wants. It's when people stand up to him that the nastiness comes out.

The trouble with allowing petty authoritarians to go about their work is that they clear a path for future troublemakers. If we allow governments to pass laws without proper consultation or supervision and to use the agencies of the state to pursue people it doesn’t like or to solve political problems, then it is only a matter of time before the occasional abuse of power becomes the norm. Imagine that sort of power in the hands of someone utterly unscrupulous.

A strong and stable democracy relies on a fearless news media prepared to call public figures to account, a criminal justice system in which the presumption of innocence is a foundation and in which the rule of law is paramount, and a police force that is independent and subject to scrutiny. All governments from time to time try to chip away at these things, but was there ever a government of New Zealand quite so extreme in its disdain for the institutions of democracy?

* I accept this is a provocative title, but it at least got your attention.

Hurting Key

2011-11-18T08:17:00.001+13:00

A number of people are predicting that the “teapot” saga will harm National on election day.

It’s impossible to tell whether these predictions have any merit A series of polls have been released in the last day indicating that support for National is largely steady, while NZ First seems to be on the rise. Support for Labour appears to be hovering in the late 20s, which is probably a sign that all the media focus on the PM has taken some of the attention off Phil Goff and his party.

One thing to remember with all these polls is that they are not an instant snapshot, and that polling takes place over a number of days. The Herald DigiPoll, for example, was taken from last Thursday to this Wednesday. Much of the polling took place before details about what John Key and John Banks might have spoken about became public, and before Key’s ham-fisted efforts to shut the story down became front-page news.

In summary, then, we can't yet predict how these events might influence the final outcome.

But even if National manages to escape its poor handling of this matter and form the next government, that does not mean the party or John Key are unharmed. John Key’s relationship with the media may have been irreparably damaged, and he will no longer be regarded by many journalists as a “good guy” or a decent bloke.

John Key may regret his decision to get the police involved in a political matter, over something that has nothing to do with any moral principle. We may bitch and moan about the news media’s obsession with celebrity stories and fluff pieces, but if you want to get journalists really pissed off the thing to do is use heavy-handed tactics to prevent them doing their job.

Shame On John Key For... Something

2011-11-17T08:04:00.001+13:00

Amelia Wade of the Herald reports:

Already under pressure because of the "teapot tape", John Key may have added to his legal woes with a signature.

Yesterday, the grinning Prime Minister walked in Phil Goff and Helen Clark's shoes and autographed a banknote - technically breaking the law.

It is illegal for a person to "wilfully deface, disfigure, or mutilate" any banknote without permission from the Reserve Bank.

This is a disgraceful act by our PM. Does the man think he’s above the law now?

I hope Key is prosecuted for this vandalism to the fullest extent of the law. We’re way too soft on crimes such as these, and it’s time we sent a message to lawbreakers that we’re not going to take it any more.

Oh, wait, what’s this?

But Mr Key is not the only current leader to have signed one. Last week, while campaigning in Nelson, Phil Goff signed a $5 bill for local man Peter Hansen, who said the Labour leader was the 89th public figure to sign a banknote for him.

Um... well I mean it is only a banknote, so let’s not get carried away. I think it’s ridiculous we even have these archaic laws. What kind of arse would think signing a banknote is a big deal anyway? Some people should just get a life!

But it’s just so typical of John Key to jump on the money-signing bandwagon, after Phil Goff did it first. Does the PM not have an original thought?

Good on Phil Goff!