The apology in full

Below is a full text of John Key’s apology this morning:

Firstly, let me say what a tremendous honour and privilege it is to be a member of this parliament.

Taking a wrong turn down Memory Lane

I remember this billboard from the last election. It was one of their best ones.

John Key has spoken of the thing he remembers most about Green Party co-leader Dr Russel Norman:

Key said his enduring memory ... was seeing him "just about get shot" by Chinese protection agents after trying to wrap a Tibetan flag around the then Vice-Premier of China.

This reminds me that I have some enduring memories of my own concerning John Key.

PM vows to work on his lying

John Key
Picture taken when he was at the height of his lying powers

John Key is promising to work on his lying, after a series of scandals rocked his government.

In which John Key declares endless war against North Korea

Jon Key: should he start lying again?

It's war, boys!

Yes, John Key has confirmed we're in, boots and all! So get your helmets on and assemble for duty.

John Key forgets he is the PM

There was confusion during the Prime Minister's post-Cabinet press briefing today, after John Key appeared to forget that he was in government.

Mr Key took aim at Labour during the press briefing, blaming that party for the dire state of the economy.

Is National Really Hands-Off Then?

In David Shearer's speech on Sunday he made much of National's "hands-off" approach to governing the country, comparing it to Labour's preference for a more interventionist "hands-on" approach.

There has been some debate about what the terms "hands-on" and "hands-off" really mean, and it appears that some within National don't like it when people use the term "hands-off" to describe National's style of government.

When Out Means In

John Key's Reshuffle Analysed

Prime Minister John Key today announced a reshuffle of his Cabinet, as well as a number of changes in the organisation of some government ministries.

The changes will come into effect on 31 January.

Right Thinking: Fight The Facts

Hard-hitting conservative columnist Dr Frank Shizenhausen returns after a long break

People have been jumping all over Garth McVicar, head of the Sensible Sentencing Trust, after he claimed in a select committee submission that gay marriage would lead to more crime.

It's shocking the way a good man like McVicar can't even make an argument entirely devoid of evidence, without the usual suspects trying to shut him down.

But the Sensible Sentencing Trust has a valid point about crime increasing if homosexuals are permitted to marry.

Falling Over

When you're a busy person, sometimes you don't get time to reflect upon the decisions you make. It's even worse if you're the prime minister of a country. Everything you do has major consequences, but you're swamped with work so you hardly ever get a chance to consider the broader implications of your actions.

In Praise Of John Key

I am filled with admiration for our Prime Minister.

The latest employment figures are a disaster, and appear to show that this government does not know how to grow the economy.

John Key Says Dumb Things

The PM has got himself in trouble after using the word "gay" to mock a radio host, only days after calling football star David Beckham "thick as batshit".

Hacker Accesses PM's Brain

Security experts were being rushed to the ninth floor of the Beehive this morning, after a malicious hacker accessed the Prime Minister's brain.

Experts began to suspect a breach of security, after large amounts of data stored in John Key's brain disappeared.

Another Day In The Life Of The Sensible Blogger

(Read my earlier post about the Sensible Blogger here)

10:04 am 

Oh dear! I see that the Prime Minister has gone crazy with an axe and has put thirty people in hospital. I don't approve of such things, but he is under a lot of pressure. The current political environment is toxic, and the opposition parties have a lot to answer for.

Memory Loss

Questions need to be raised about the capacity of our Prime Minister, after yet another inexplicable memory lapse from our nation's leader.

John Key has been under pressure for weeks over what he knew about Kim Dotcom and the illegal GCSB monitoring of Mr Dotcom.

Just Like That Other Time

Green Party co-leader Russel Norman has complained to police over the allegedly illegal recording of a private conversation.

John Key has called the complaint a political stunt. He obviously has a very short memory.

Next Week's Q&A

Shane Taurima again interviews John Key

Shane: Prime Minister John Key joins us now.  Prime Minister, you've taken a lot of heat over your decision to stick with John Banks, and now another of your ministers, Gerry Brownlee, is in trouble.

John: Actually, it's important to put these things into perspective. Gerry's been working in a very dynamic environment.

National's Hunger Plan

The National government has launched a new programme to ensure hungry workers get enough to eat.

John Key today announced that the Government will spend millions of dollars to ensure all CEOs and business executives get a proper meal to start the day.

Important Questions For Colin Craig

If John Key is too gay for Helensville, just how much gayness would Colin Craig be happy with?

More Futile and Cynical Policy

John Key must think the New Zealand public have the memory of a goldfish. He's put forward bold plans before, but they usually end in failure. Closing the income gap with Australia, creating more jobs, reducing the number of people fleeing to a better life in Australia. And now the promise to get back into budget surplus, which he's already backtracking on.

Key's latest bold initiative is a set of targets that he wants the public service to meet. Bosses will receive bonuses for meeting these targets, and failure to achieve targets will result in pay cuts.

Some of the targets announced today are specific, while others are woolly and difficult to measure.

These kinds of targets are blunt instruments. Performance targets often work in businesses because businesses are usually focused on the financial bottom line. So meeting revenue or profit targets, doing a certain number of deals, or cutting overheads, will often result in private sector workers receiving a bonus.

Unfortunately for Mr Key, government departments are not business units. They do not exist to make money. They exist to fulfil a range of needs within the community. In any department where budgets are tight (and in the current economic environment budgets always are) trade-offs must be made and the needs of some groups must be balanced against the requirements of others. Unlike a business, it's not all about the money.

So imposing a target on a department that must be met at all costs, at the expense of other priorities, and then using a stick and carrot approach to ensure the target is met, is almost guaranteed to ensure other important goals are not met.

This is something John Key will never understand, because he looks at everything through a business lens, where the only concern is to make a profit.

Some of the goals detailed in National's plan are questionable ones. Take the goal of reducing the number of people on the dole by 30% by 2017. If National genuinely cared about job creation the goal would have been a more ambitious one: like finding full-time work for that 30%. Instead, the hard-headed businessman Key is only interested in cutting costs. So people will be shifted off the dole, and no doubt many of them will find themselves in welfare limbo: ineligible for the dole, but unable to find work. Welfare bosses will be financially incentivised to find ways to dump people from their benefits. Think it won't happen? The same thing's already happening over at the ACC.

Some of the goals will be met just by more of the same medicine. Crime rates have been gradually dropping for years. Immunisation rates have been steadily climbing.

Other targets are meaningless waffle, while others seem doomed to failure without some gaming of the stats. National's plan to reduce the instances of child abuse seems unlikely to succeed, because its moves against those already struggling to make ends meet are putting huge pressure on vulnerable families. When people are under stress many of them snap.

But the good news for National is nobody will ever judge them on the results. It's more likely than not that Labour will form the next government in 2014, but even if the Nats win another three years the results won't be in until the end of 2017, and I doubt John Key will still be in politics by then.

If Labour returns to power in 2014, National will be able to blame Labour for everything that goes wrong. We were on track until Labour got in, National will argue.

I don't know whether the policy is a purely cynical ploy, designed to take some of the attention away from asset sales. It's entirely possible John Key actually believes it will work, because he thinks like a businessman. This may be something of a surprise to many, since the history of human civilisation tells us very clearly that governments are not like businesses.