US President Ends Victory Celebrations As Crisis Looms

US President Barack Obama is facing his first crisis since being re-elected, after celebrity couple Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez announced they were breaking up.

Key's Re-Election Plan Crisis

John Key will be reeling after the events of this past weekend. They will be a blow to his government's re-election chances.

I am not referring to the Te Tai Tokerau byelection, even if the humiliation of Key's Maori Party ally hasn't helped the cause. 

But that is just a minor blow compared to the catastrophe unfolding in the UK. It now appears that William and Kate may not be coming for a visit this year.

Key still has the World Cup, but that is a risky strategy, given our ability to choke during the critical games. Being photographed smiling and laughing with the happy couple, perhaps over a barbecue, would have cemented it. Now there is a huge void in National's re-election strategy.

Key will now be scratching around for an option, any option, to ensure the media stays away from discussing policy during this critical time. My advice to the PM is to contact the agents for Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber and get those celebrities here at any cost.

Or how about David Beckham?

Ken Ring Only Uses His Magic For Good

It's no surprise that Ken Ring would predict a major earthquake occurring today. It's a Supermoon today, and Ring seems to blame the Moon for everything. Maybe the Moon really pissed him off once, or stitched him up in some business dealing. Perhaps the Moon stole his girl back in high school. Whatever it was, Ring's never forgotten.

I'm not so sure myself about the Moon theory. If I had to blame something or someone for all this quakiness (other than all the boring stuff scientists say causes earthquakes. Ha, scientists! What would they know?), my money would be on Justin Bieber's hair. Bieber cut his hair in February, and within hours a major quake struck Christchurch. I'm not sure on the exact relationship between plate tectonics and Bieber's coiffure, because my learnings have a hole in them, but I doubt it's a coincidence. Everything's connected in some way.

I'm probably tempting fate by posting this (it's not midnight yet!), but here's how one friend of Ken Ring sees the Moonman's predictions.

Watson said Ring was like a doctor diagnosing a terminal illness. "If you've got six months to live should your doctor not say so?"

I agree. I absolutely would want to know if I had terminal cancer. But once I had discovered that the guy who diagnosed me was an impostor with no training pretending to be an expert, and that I was in fact perfectly healthy, I'd be suing the hospital. After I'd kicked the quack's arse some.

Ring's friend also says:

"He's been shocked and upset. He thought he was doing a service to help people and save lives. He's not getting anything out of it. In fact, he's only had grief."

All the publicity must be a boon for book sales. So I'm pleased to hear Ring's friend confirming that Ring isn't profiting from what some people have called rampant scaremongering.

I wonder which charity Ring's donating the sale proceeds to.

A Cynical And Desperate Attempt To Get More Blog Traffic

Celebrity name suppression, Michael Jackson, Sarah Palin, Auckland celebrity, sex, Justin Bieber, who is the Auckland celebrity? Jesus, how to make a bomb, Barack Obama, Hitler, crochet, household name, Hone Harawira, online gambling, 46 year old man, Lady Gaga.

That should do it. It's just a pity this Blogger platform limits labels to 200 characters.