Tributes To Paul Holmes Pour In: Mass Flooding Reported

Birds and aircraft tumbled from the sky, and car crashes were reported all over the country, as news broke that Sir Paul Holmes had died.

Outside the Auckland offices of Newstalk NZ eight veteran journalists self-immolated in a glowing tribute to the departed broadcaster.

Reflections On The Passing Of Paul Holmes

As we all remember the veteran broadcaster and his legacy, one thing remains foremost in my mind.

The Wrong Legacy

The news media have been having a busy time lately writing obituaries in anticipation of Sir Paul Holmes' demise.   When teams of journalists are not producing Holmes-deathwatch copy, they have their eyes on that big German guy with all the internet businesses and legal troubles. If Kim Dotcom says or tweets anything, you can bet it will end up in the news.

Saturdays Just Got Shorter

With Paul Holmes on between 9am and 12pm, and with Tony Veitch now to be on air from 12-6pm, exactly what demographic is Newstalk ZB targetting on Saturdays?

One Of These Is An Idiot

It is a couple of days old now and is probably old news (I've been kind of busy over the last few days and have only today read it), but this piece in Thursday's Guardian by (of all people) Russell Brand is probably the most intelligent and sensible analysis of the UK riots I've read.

Certainly more intelligent than this idiotic piece from Paul Holmes.

Fake Paul Holmes Column A Masterpiece

I don't consider myself the envious type, but there's a part of me that hurts when I see the good work other people are producing.

I've tried my hand at satire, but it's pretty clear I'll never be able to match it with the top players. So maybe I'll just quit.

This revelation came to me as I read the Paul Holmes parody in the Herald today on the topic of welfare. I don't know who is behind this work of genius, but he/she deserves to have their name published.

The author mocks the ridiculous argument that there are bludgers everywhere. But the words look more like a quote from a Kiwiblog comment. Thankfully nobody in the newspaper commentary business would really say something this daft:

Too many people on welfare in New Zealand, said the WWG. Thirteen per cent of working age New Zealanders. Meaning the other 87 per cent of us are paying their way. And it's been like this for a long time.

I'm sure there are a lot of bludgers among them. You know it. We all meet them, people about whom we sense that if they put in a bit more effort, exerted themselves a little harder, got round the place a bit more aggressively, they'd be able to find and do some work.

The satirist then makes a point of attacking the sick, depicting them as no better than bludgers.

I've been gifted with good health over the years, on the whole, so I have real difficulty understanding, for example, chronic sickness and ill health. I don't understand how someone can continue to be sick year in year out.

I realise for some readers this will sound ridiculous. But I just don't understand chronic sickness that drags itself out over years. And I certainly don't understand bone-idleness.

He/she then continues the demonisation of the sick:

The sicknesses that entitle you to a sickness benefit are the weird ones. Serious mental malfunction is a part of it. When you try to work you have a meltdown, or soon after beginning you will have a meltdown. No one wants to hire such a person.  

By lumping those with chronic physical injuries in with the mentally ill, the satirist is depicting an underclass of deranged moochers who are good for nothing.

Having attacked unemployed people because some are bludgers, and slammed the sick because their ailments are "weird" or because they have "meltdowns" and are good for nothing, the fake Holmes then launches a full attack upon the next obvious target: DPB mums.

What people particularly resent is the DPB. There is a widely held perception that young girls of 16 or 17 years, having no direction in their lives, get pregnant even though they have no means of supporting the child, no partner, no nothing, but go ahead with the knowledge the rest of us will pick up the bill.

Forty-five per cent of them will then have another child while on the dole. Our bill goes up.

Such a mother will then remain on the DPB for up to 10 years, never having worked, never having had a job.

Never mind that Christine Rankin who, when it comes to welfare, knows her stuff, says that being on a benefit sucks. That you never have enough money. That you're always broke. Never mind this. The perception is that young girls go on the DPB because they can. And the rest of us, who get up in the morning and go to work and try to manage our own kids, pay for them. 

Yes, and they give the kids these absurd names like Serrendipity Ragamuffin Sunshine or Thus Spake Zarathustra, names we hear when the kids arrive at Starship with their heads stoved in by a recent boyfriend who can't stand their screaming.

So DPB mums are breeding machines, they're lazy, they're all child abusers, and they give their children stupid names. Oh wait, the fake Holmes would say, all I said was that such a perception exists. But, of course, claiming that a perception exists and then doing nothing to question its validity only suggests that the author believes in the truth of the perception.

It's a wonder he/she hasn't yet suggested sterilisation. But wait!

That's where you start to mull upon sterilisation. That's where you start to mull on granting certificates before pregnancies can proceed. And God knows, parenting is the hardest thing.   

This is the bit for me where the satire became slightly less believable. Can we really believe that the real Paul Holmes, broadcasting superstar, hates the poor and the sick that much? Would the real Holmes label all DBP mums as child abusers who should be sterilised?

The praise heaped on the barely competent Paula Bennett was also creepy and implausible, rather than amusing. I doubt many people, even in her own party, would think Bennett was on top of her game. 

Still, it's a pretty good bit of mockery. If the real Holmes believed even half of the nastiness the fake Holmes does then the real Holmes would be a nasty piece of work indeed.

But I'm sure he can't be.

Replacing Henry With Holmes

Now that Paul Henry's been suspended for a fortnight before returning to (no doubt) even higher TV ratings, it's ironic that his replacement presenter for This Is Your Life this weekend is none other than "Cheeky Darkie" Paul Holmes. I guess that means Holmes won't be the recipient then.

Talking of which, I hear TVNZ are in talks with former ACT MP David Garrett about a TV show. They are looking to make him the new lead in Series 2 of This Is Not My Life. 

Three Monday Morning Questions

Is Paul Holmes lining himself up to take the plum Thursday columnist slot currently occupied by the elderly Garth George?

Or is piemania a natural progression for right-wing columnists who scribble for the Herald?

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Christine Rankin has told the Herald she won't run for Supercity mayor because:

"The media harass me. They pursue me and they look to destroy any good stuff that surrounds me. They don't actually succeed, I have quite a large following, but it's harrowing."

Should Christine Rankin and Chris Carter get together and start their own political party?*

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Garth McVicar was on Radio NZ this morning blasting the corrections system, and blaming political correctness for the fact that Graeme Burton could not be punished for having a knife in his cell. Burton is already segregated, spending 23 hours a day in a cell and receiving only minimum privileges.

Would Mr McVicar please stop talking in code and just tell the people of New Zealand what we should do with Burton for breaking prison rules? Flog him? Attack him with clubs? Kill him?

* Okay, so her attitude towards gay people might make this a challenging proposition

Call That Tripe? I'll Show You Tripe!

Paul Holmes has written about why the Waihopai trio should have been found guilty:

I'll spare you the pain and summarise:

• America should be allowed to act with impunity, because 9/11 was so awful, and American lives are more important than the lives of other miscellaneous foreign people.
• The accused were scruffy looking.

He also believes all you have to do to get off a criminal damage charge is plead "claim of right", and the magic legal genie will do the rest.

Anyway, this coming week, I'm going to drive around our district putting sugar in the tanks of some of the biggest tractors I see working the neighbouring fields because they use too much diesel.

If I am charged I shall plead "claim of right" - I simply had to destroy the tractors because their carbon footprint threatens countless lives and, what's more, I really believe I have the law on my side to do so.

Wish I could be on that jury.

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Meanwhile Kerre Woodham has finally revealed what we all suspected - she is a mole for US intelligence, an operative planted deep in the heart of the New Zealand media.

In today's column she wrote:

But one thing is for certain. All the tosh coming from these men about their non-violent action achieving significant things and saving the lives of the women and children in Iraq is just that - tosh.

Ripping a plastic dome in the peaceful valley of Waihopai hasn't prevented one drop of blood from being spilled in Iraq.

Nobody outside the intelligence community really knows what goes on in Waihopai, what the information gathered is used for, or what the effect on intelligence gathering the attack on the dome had. But Kerre knows. It's obvious - she's one of them.

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Finally, a message to the newspaper that hired the abovementioned two.

So, Herald on Sunday, how do I get me some of this column-writing? I can write similar tripe in record time, and if the money is good I too can be unprincipled, forgetful of previously contradictory positions taken on major issues, and angry as hell. "It just isn't right!" See?

Call me. You know I can save your bacon.

Sunday Twits

If anyone ought to stay quiet over the tedious Harawira affair, it would be Paul Holmes. But the legendary short man can't resist a jab. His accusation of double standards is particularly surprising considering the reaction to his appalling "Cheeky Darky" comments was not remotely as savage as that directed towards Harawira. Double standards indeed.

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That other sunday paper twit is no stranger to racism. His hatred of Maori is visceral and infests almost everything he writes. This week is no exception.

I got only a few lines in before almost throwing up in disgust. I have no idea what the rest of his article says.

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It was good to see little New Zealand shaking up the football world this weekend

Although I thought the All Blacks didn't make the most of their historic appearance at the San Siro football stadium in Milan.

"Historic" is probably the most overused word in sport. Of course, the real shake-up was the marvelous effort of the All Whites to reach the World Cup finals. But historic? Why? We've been there before - in 1982 of course. How many times do you get to go before it stops becoming "historic"?