An open letter to the College of Cardinals

Your Holinesses,

Forgive me if I have breached any sort of protocol by writing this letter. Am I allowed to even call you that? I had no idea how to go about addressing you, so I decided to take a punt on "your holinesses". I figured it was safe, as you would probably hold out some claim to be righteous dudes, and one of you is probably going to be the next pope, after all. Although I've some thoughts of my own about that, as you'll soon discover.

Another Financial Fraudster Convicted

A prominent business leader has been convicted of fraud, following the failure of his high profile business venture.

Foreign national Joseph Ratzinger, who also goes by the aliases Pope Benedict XVI and the Bishop of Rome, was convicted and sentenced today in the Auckland High Court to two years' imprisonment for his part in a scheme that defrauded investors.

Ratzinger's business, known by the name The Church, promised investors spiritual wealth and salvation through the blessed holy sacraments of Our Lord Jesus Christ.

But most investors ended up losing everything they put into the venture.

The fraud was uncovered after authorities discovered that the claims made by Ratzinger in disclosure documents to investors were false. 

Serious Fraud Office Assistant Director Neville McFarlane said that the investigation had been ongoing, and that the successful prosecution had brought an end to several hundred years of work.

“We are delighted that the court has treated this matter with the seriousness it deserves,” said Mr McFarlane.

“We have been concerned for some time about the activities of the Roman Catholic Church. It became clear to us during our investigations that Mr Ratzinger was running what can only be described as a get-rich-quick scheme.

"This guy was offering salvation and forgiveness from sin. He was promising eternal life, but only if you followed his programme. 

"That programme required attendances at weekly seminars where Ratzinger's motivational speakers would tell investors they had to stick to the plan. 

"The idea was to ensure that once someone invested, they couldn't get out."

The Serious Fraud Office began investigating The Church after Ratzinger claimed in investment documents that the path to eternal happiness lay in following the tenets of the Roman Catholic Church.

"We always tell investors that if the returns sound too good to be true, they probably are," said Mr McFarlane.

Investors in the failed venture remain angry that regulators took so long to move against Mr Ratzinger.

Barbara Drew, 72, retired, said that she had lost everything to the Church.

“I wasted every waking moment following the programme. They told me I would reap the eternal rewards once I died. But something started to smell fishy when they tried to tell me that the people abusing children were simply misguided.

"And when they claimed that their failure to speak up against the worst outrages of the 20^th century was not a sign of moral cowardice, but an important step in preserving the institution of the Church for the future, I knew I'd been duped."

But Mr Ratzinger was yesterday defiant and unrepentant. Outside the steps of the Auckland District Court before being sentenced, Mr Ratzinger claimed he had been the victim of a kangaroo court, and that the only power that could judge him was God.

"I am infallible," said Mr Ratzinger.

 

Give Us Back Our Saturnalia

The Pope has been in England, and has used the opportunity to decry the sidelining of religion in modern Britain.

Of course, the UK has not been a Catholic country since Henry VIII split from the Church. For centuries Catholics were regarded as the enemy, and to be an active Catholic was akin to practising treason. The popes have long been unwelcome in the UK, and the reaction and commentary from many in the media this week suggests that little has changed.

The Pope seems happy to brand anything he doesn't like as atheistic.

Even in our own lifetime, we can recall how Britain and her leaders stood against a Nazi tyranny that wished to eradicate God from society and denied our common humanity to many, especially the Jews, who were thought unfit to live.

Never mind the irony of the Church lecturing others on how to treat Jews. Hitler may have been an atheist (I really don't know), but there was nothing atheistic about the Nazis or their beliefs. This is a particularly good compilation of some extremely religious quotes from Hitler (Hat tip: Open Parachute via Twitter). It includes such gems as:

I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.

This human world of ours would be inconceivable without the practical existence of a religious belief.

I am now as before a Catholic and will always remain so.

Only in the steady and constant application of force lies the very first prerequisite for success. This persistence, however, can always and only arise from a definite spiritual conviction. Any violence which does not spring from a firm, spiritual base, will be wavering and uncertain.

And so on.

The Pope has also told a gathering of politicians and religious leaders that religious festivals, such as Christmas, are under threat. He must have rocks in his head. The commercialisation of this ancient festival is so ingrained that Christmas will be with us forever.

But I'd be happy for it to be "rebranded", so to speak. Let's return this day to its roots. Christmas is simply a rip-off of the Roman festival of Saturnalia, a week-long celebration in December that began on the 17th. The most striking feature of the ancient festival was the reversal of roles between master and slave (even if this was largely superficial and ceremonial in most cases). The aspects of Saturnalia we continue to observe are those involving feasting and the giving of presents.

I respect the right of the Pope to worship his particular sky fairy. But what I don't appreciate are lectures on morality from the leader of an organisation with a history of murder, violence and extortion that would make a mafioso blush.

Update: here's Richard Dawkins speaking at a rally, in which he responds to the Pope's claims that atheism was responsible for Hitler. Dawkins is electrifying (hat tip: Open Parachute).

Hoping It Will All Go Away

The biggest news story in the world by far (apart from who Sandra Bullock's husband's been humping) has been the Catholic Church's efforts to deal with the numerous child abuse scandals plaguing it.

This is bad news for the Pope and the hierarchy of the Church, but they've seen off worse scandals, and the institution will survive.

But the confused and disorganised responses to the crisis suggest there is nobody on top of things. The Pope appears to be hoping the whole thing will just blow over. Why else would he stay silent while others stupidly compare the treatment of the Church to anti-semitism, or dismiss the scandal as "idle chatter"?

I don't know whether the Pope has been personally involved in any of the cover-ups. His supporters say he has energetically pursued abusers and tried to drive them out of the Church. But he and the other notables of the Vatican profess to be devoted to God, while continuing to deny what is becoming increasingly obvious - that many of the cover-ups were sanctioned, if not ordered, by those at the top. If these men have sinned they should be falling to their knees and begging forgiveness. Their public countenances suggest they are still in denial, or are just hoping they'll get away with it.

Hardly the behaviour of men who profess a selfless devotion to God.