A Day In The Life Of Rodney Hide

3:13 am

Woke up screaming again. The old memories come flooding back the moment I put my head on the pillow. Although I survived the last mission into the foothills of Northern Pakistan, we lost a lot of good men, and something in me was changed forever. I can't even begin to describe the things I've seen, the people I've killed, the good friends I've lost over the last couple of years. War is hell.

ACT 2.0: Just Like ACT 1.0

It's pleasing to know that no matter how much some things change, they really stay the same.

The ongoing farce that is the ACT Party continues to dominate news headline. Any genuine supporter of ACT (if there are more than four or five of you left) must be wishing by now they had been sucked away in today's tornado.

Today we saw the new leader of ACT being humiliated by the old leader. Don Brash claims the Hide brand is "toxic" and yet still professes to be happy for Hide to remain as minister.

The fact of the matter is he's deeply unhappy, but faced with the prospect of Hide becoming the party's own Fukushima, Brash has relented and decided to let Rodders stay on as minister. Hide probably needs the money, now his political career is in terminal decline, although it seems that the Business Roundtable may have need of his services. If that doesn't pan out then Hide will need to start job hunting. I wonder if the Nazgul are recruiting?

The biggest joke in today's ACT reshuffle is the elevation of Hilary Calvert, who has been in Parliament approximately three and a half minutes, to party whip, while former deputy leader Heather Roy is demoted. Even though Roy was supposedly one of the MPs most in favour of the leadership change. If this is how Brash rewards his supporters he may be gone by lunchtime.

Roy may have to swallow her pride, but swallowing pride isn't something ACT MPs seem to be very good at. There may be no "I" in "team, but there is a "me". So we can expect more recriminations, plotting and backstabbing within the party we all love to mock, especially if their Anointed One doesn't make an impact in the political polls.

Pass the popcorn.

On Friendship

"Rodney and I have been friends for more than 15 years"

Imagine what he'd do to you if you were his actual enemy.

The Face Of Looting

ACT MP Rodney Hide was today apprehended by authorities after he was caught red-handed attempting to make off with the nation’s riches.

Mr Hide, 54, is accused of having urged government ministers to pursue policies that, if implemented, would see an immediate financial windfall to Hide’s supporters. Hide’s supporters would have benefited enormously from a wholesale sell-off of state assets proposed by Hide, and a reduction in tax rates for the wealthy.

Authorities have laid a raft of other charges against Hide. They include engaging in misleading and deceptive conduct in representing to the public of New Zealand that the ACT Party has a remaining shred of integrity and is not a refuge for the bewildered.

Conspiracy charges have also been laid in relation to a range of violence and property damage matters, including conspiring to slash, burn and gut the New Zealand state sector, and to cut state assistance for the poor and needy.

The president of the ACT Party, Chris Simmons, has issued a statement dismissing the accusations made against Hide.

“I have received a document with the list of charges laid against Mr Hide, and I am confident that there is no substance to it whatsoever,” Mr Simmons’ statement says.

“I would even go as far as to say that the person who concocted these charges is utterly insane.

“Let me add that I speak from a position of some experience in these matters. In my role as ACT president I deal with a lot of insane people.”

If found guilty of the charges Mr Hide faces a lengthy period of exile. A guilty verdict could even give rise to a political death sentence being handed down by the court of public opinion.

Hide Pays Tribute

As the people of Christchurch continue to recover from the effects of the September earthquake, ACT leader Rodney Hide took time today to pay tribute to the quake.

Mr Hide, who was visiting the city, said there was no doubt that few natural disaster have had such an influence on the direction of Christchurch as September's Canterbury Earthquake.

"The earthquake shook the foundations of this region, and its effects continue to this day.

"The impact the earthquake has had on the infrastructure of Christchurch places it in a special position that few other disasters can hope to emulate. Its contribution to the destruction of the region is recognised by both insurance assessors and civil defence staff."

Mr Hide said that the impact of this earthquake would be felt for decades to come.

Earlier this week Mr Hide paid a special visit to the city of New Orleans. In a moving public speech there he paid tribute to Hurricane Katrina.

"No other hurricane has had such a lasting impact on the city of New Orleans," Mr Hide told a gathered crowd estimated to be in the thousands.

"Though Katrina has bowed out, we wish her well. She has changed the landscape of this city irreparably."

Let's Just Make It Illegal

Rodney Hide has claimed that a proposed change to the Marine and Coastal Area (Takutai Moana) Bill to prevent Maori from charging for beach access is a “win” for ACT.

"I've never seen a new MP achieve a major policy win on behalf of all New Zealanders on their first day. It's a stunning achievement for Hilary Calvert and the ACT Party," Mr Hide said.

"Attorney-General Hon Chris Finlayson today confirmed that he would support Hilary's amendment to the Marine and Coastal Area (Takutai Moana) Bill to specifically prohibit customary title holders from charging for public access to the beach.

Stunning indeed. Even if, according to Attorney General Chris Finlayson (who knows more than most about what is in the Bill), the Bill already doesn’t permit customary title holders to charge for beach access.

And even if Rodney Hide’s clam of “one law for all” looks ever more suspect, because private titleholders are under no such restrictions.

But the latest Roy Morgan poll shows that ACT are in freefall. They will need more wins than this if they are to survive past the next election, and will need another stunning policy success. Luckily for ACT, I have an idea.

The Government continues to focus on law and order issues. So it should not be too difficult to convince National that the Crimes Act should be amended to make it clear, for the avoidance of doubt, that murder is a crime.

What better way to demonstrate to the public that ACT is keeping ordinary hard-working New Zealanders safe?

Outbreak Of Democracy Concerns Government

Wellington mayor Kerry Prendergast has lashed out at the voting system that saw her lose the Wellington mayoralty to Celia Wade-Brown.

“It’s outrageous that the will of the majority of right-leaning voters has been disregarded,” said Prendergast.

She has called on the Government to look at reforming the way local election voting occurs.

Political expert Dr Roy Stanislov of Otago University said the voting system used in Wellington’s election was quite widespread.

“The voting system they use is called ‘democracy’. It’s been quite controversial in some countries, particularly in the Middle East and some parts of Asia, where there have been all sorts of problems.

“Clearly something isn’t working right if we can’t always be certain a conservative business-friendly mayor will win the race.”

Local Government Minister Rodney Hide agreed there was a problem.

“In Auckland we’ve seen a noticeable move to the left. We set the Supercity up so this wouldn’t happen, but it looks as if we may have more work to do.”

However, Mr Hide said that he did not support legislation in Parliament to amend election rules.

“We don’t need more red tape. The Government can already pass an order in council under the Canterbury emergency legislation to fix this outbreak of democracy, and that’s what we’ll be looking at doing.

“I’m a big fan of one man one vote, but things have got out of hand. Did you know that they even let women vote now? Look at the trouble women have caused my own party.”

Hide said that it was probably time to consider introducing a greater degree of scrutiny over who has the right to vote.

“Perhaps it’s time we introduced a property qualification for voters. If you’re careless or lazy enough not to own several share portfolios and rental properties, then why should you get a say in how your town or city is run?

“And an educational qualification ought to be introduced, to ensure the right people are in charge of deciding who gets elected. If you can’t list the main characters in at least one of Ayn Rand’s books, you’re clearly not the sort of person we can rely on to vote sensibly.”

Just How Evil Is Phil Twyford?

Who needs a functioning democracy when we can put the knife in over the misuse of email?

Labour MP Phil Twyford says he had made a "genuine mistake" by using a parliamentary email to endorse candidates in local body elections.

Local Government Minister Rodney Hide this morning reported Twyford over an email he sent on the parliamentary server promoting Len Brown for super-city Mayor. The email says Brown can "un-do much of the harm Rodney Hide has done over the last eighteen months".

Hide said it was important that the democratic independence of local government was protected.

"As such, individual MPs should not use their taxpayer-provided resources to influence local government elections in any way," Hide said.

"Today I have referred [Twyford] to the General Manager of Parliamentary Services for using Parliamentary resources to promote candidates." 

Sure it was wrong. But who cares? How does this story become headline news while the fact we technically live under a dictatorship largely eludes the attention of the main media organisations?

Isn't it refreshing to see a rejuvenated and pious Rodney Hide again? He had no difficulty using taxpayer funds to jet around with his girlfriend, and had no difficulty with one of his caucus colleagues stealing the identity of a baby. But how dare a politician use a parliamentary email to (shock!) send political messages!

Hell Hath No Fury

From the Herald:

Disgraced Act MP David Garrett believes details about his using the identity of a dead infant to get a false passport were leaked by Heather Roy's supporters to discredit leader Rodney Hide, and he was simply collateral damage.

Stating the obvious, I would have thought. As soon as this story came out I thought “Heather Roy”.

He said Mrs Roy had clear designs on the party leadership and his downfall was aimed at undermining Mr Hide's leadership.

"It's been described as collateral damage. I supported Rodney...I suppose they decided that if I went down in flames I'd got what I deserved."

Given Garrett’s central role in formulating and advancing ACT’s law and order policies, he may not necessarily have been merely incidental damage. Roy may well be quite pleased to see those policies now being ridiculed.

Life's A Scream

Life is all bad for Rodney Hide.

But here's a nightmare scenario that must be playing in his head as he tries to sleep.

David Garrett resigns from Parliament.

The next person on the list is Hilary Calvert, an Otago lawyer. Calvert can see the writing on the wall for ACT and so decides not to take Garrett's place. Why risk it all for just a year of drama, squabbling and humiliation?

The next person on the list is Peter Tashkoff. Tashkoff is hostile to Rodney Hide and has been vocal in calls to oust him. Tashkoff, Roy and Douglas now outnumber Hide and Boscawen.

Sweet dreams, Rodney.

ACT Idiots

ACT’s press release tries to spin the Garrett resignation:

ACT Leader Rodney Hide today accepted the resignation of David Garrett MP from the ACT Party.

“New information that came to light regarding the affidavit David swore in his 2005 court case made it impossible to defend his position as a member of the ACT caucus,” Mr Hide said.

“In light of this, it has become clear to David that it would be inappropriate for him to remain in his position as an ACT MP. As such, this morning he resigned from caucus and the Party.

What new information? Rodney knew about the Tongan conviction, and he knew about the discharge without conviction. If Hide didn’t seek from Garrett complete details of the facts behind the identity-theft case (including affidavits) then he’s an even bigger idiot than I thought.

So in all likelihood Hide knew exactly what the affidavit said.

This is a pathetic and see-through attempt by a truly desperate Rodney Hide to justify his position. A position that is indefensible. Hide backed Garrett to the hilt only a day or so ago, and nothing has changed.

Update: So maybe Hide didn't ask the details of Garrett's identity-theft case. If true that would make Hide a prize idiot.

One Down, Four To Go

So Garrett's gone from the ACT Party.

He should also resign from Parliament.

Hide should be next

If Garrett Goes Hide Must Too

The David Garrett story continues to dominate the news (and this blog, it seems!).

Radio NZ is saying that Rodney Hide will push for David Garrett to resign, or may even have him ejected from the caucus.

If Hide does so it will destroy what little credibility he may still have. Hide knew about the assault conviction and the identity-theft before Garrett entered Parliament. Only a day or so ago Hide expressed full confidence in Mr Garrett.

So on what basis can Hide now seek to remove Garrett? If Garrett goes, so must Hide. Hide has aligned himself so closely to the identity-fraudster and brawler that, if Garrett is forced out, Hide mustbe next.

A Perfect Coup?

It can't be a coincidence that the Garrett mess has exploded while Rodney Hide is overseas.

Hide's not here to bully other party members into line.

Knock Garrett out and Hilary Calvert takes his place. I don't know anything about her, but am led by others to believe she's likely to support Heather Roy's vision of ACT.

Roy, Douglas and Hide make three out of five. Either Garrett goes and Hide is dumped as leader, or Garrett stays and continues to cause immense damage to Hide and ACT.

If the person we all suspect was behind this leak, then it's a dangerous game. If Garrett stays and continues to support ACT, it will make them ever more unelectable.

It's fun though.

Who Is Shafting Who? Part 2

I love this:

The Government has come under attack from key support party ACT for signing the UN declaration on the rights of indigenous people.  

Leader Rodney Hide said he was shocked and appalled at the Government signing up to the declaration.  

In a shock speech to Parliament Mr Hide said signing the declaration was a breach of ACT's "no surprises" agreement with the Government and afforded Maori rights and privileges not enjoyed by other New Zealanders.

He accused them of signing the declaration covertly and said it was divisive, which was precisely the reasons former Prime Minister Helen Clark had refused to sign it. Mr Hide then ran out of time before he could finish his speech.

So ACT weren't consulted, McCully seemed to know little about the Declaration when interviewed on the radio today, and Sharples didn't like McCully's reaction.

What a royal cock-up.

Hide will be fuming over Key's decision to put a cap on Government spending. He probably feels obliged to throw his toys around, because he knows that the knives are ready within ACT and if he doesn't protest loudly he may find those knives in his back.

But if Key didn't consult with Hide on this then that suggests a lack of basic management.

Loving it.

Rodney Hide's Failed Marriage Is Not News

Just about every Sunday I scan the papers to see what latest outrage has made it to print. It seems the two main papers are in a race to the gutter.

So I suppose it really ought to surprise nobody that a Sunday newspaper would run a sleazy story about the messy marriage break-up of a political leader.

Or that the person digging up the dirt is Carolyne Meng-Yee.

The story concerns Rodney Hide's divorce, and it features an enraged ex-wife, and a sexologist with advice for both parties.

Meng-Yee is used to digging dirt on people's marriages, so she is in her element. Here is an example of her previous work.

It's no secret that I dislike Rodney Hide's politics. But no political leader deserves to have their private life exposed to the public like this - not unless they've campaigned on "family values", or have made a point of making their perfect family part of the narrative around their leadership. Hide has done neither of these things.

In fact, I can barely think of a single politician in this country for whom such scrutiny would be justified.

At least Meng-Yee can say she was writing for a good cause. I say that because I'm pretty sure that if anyone were to read the following extract to a comatose or vegetative patient, they'd probably wake up screaming "no! the horror! the horror!".

Sexologist Dr Michelle Mars had advice for both sides. She said Jiuan Jiuan should heed the words of Donald Trump's ex-wife Ivana Trump who said: "Never diss your ex-husband, darling - remember that you married him."

And she said Hide "should practise some of the grace he learned on Dancing With the Stars".

Dr Mars appears to have forgotten that Hide dropped his dance partner on her head. Maybe he's just doing the same to his ex-wife - metaphorically, of course.

But even if he is, it's none of our business.

Urinating Minister Must Go - Critics

Embattled Local Government Minister Rodney Hide has refused to resign, amid claims he is drunk with power.

Critics of the Minister say the havoc wrought by him throughout the local government scene has left him intoxicated with power.

North Shore mayor Andrew Williams is one of those calling for Hide’s resignation.

“He’s been pissing all over the people of Auckland for too long,” said Mr Williams.

Hide, speaking exclusively to Imperator Fish, denied he had a power problem.

“I’m just a regular guy who likes to slash and burn everything the people of Auckland hold dear.”

Hide also refused to comment over claims he had been urinating all over the prospects of New Zealand’s biggest city.

The Minister’s caucus colleagues are also eager for him to resign. One caucus member interviewed, who wanted only to be known as “Heather,” said Hide had to go.

“It’s simple, really. Rodney’s a strong performer and won Epsom for us, and I owe him everything. If it wasn’t for Rodney I wouldn’t be here.

“I’m sick of him holding this brutal truth against me. He has to go. I want a turn at leader!”

Some Fabulous New Books In Time For Christmas

Books One and Two of the "Dark Storm" trilogy are out now!*

Book One:

Book Two:

*Book Three, entitled "Supercity of Fear" is due for release in October next year.

Poor Rodney?

I accept that we love to hate Rodney Hide, but this is just plain petty harassment:

Rodney Hide's taxpayer funded trip with partner Louise Crome to Britain and North America was timed to coincide with the wedding of Crome's brother, TVNZ reported tonight.


TVNZ said the trip - which went on to Canada and the United States flying business class and staying in five star hotels - cost about $50,000.

Mr Hide said the main reason for his trip was work and the Cabinet paper he wrote on the issue showed that.

Who hasn't timed a business trip around some personal event? Why is this news? Has TVNZ evidence that Hide didn't perform his official duties adequately? If not they should find something else to report about. Isn't Lindsay Lohan doing anything interesting?

Shame on TVNZ for forcing me to feel sympathy for the Captain Picard lookalike - it just don't sit right with me.

Buffoon?

Someone should remind the Minister for Local Government that his party got less than one vote for every 25 cast in the last election.

If the Nats had put a serious candidate up against Rodney Hide in Epsom last election he would now be doing the reality-show circuit.

Hide's attempt to bully the Nats may succeed in the short term, but as a long-term option it has failure written all over it.

So we may yet see the return of Roger Douglas to his coffin, stake through his heart. And David Garrett may yet return to his oil-rig mates to joke about sheilas and homos.