Yes, Steven, this is just like North Korea

Steven Joyce yesterday claimed that the plan by Labour and the Greens to reform the electricity sector was from "the North Korean School of Economics".

But is this true? Let us examine the facts:

Joyce Reveals Plan For New School Payroll System

As more and more teachers report problems with their pay, the minister in charge of fixing the Novopay mess has today announced details of a new temporary payroll system.

Steven Joyce today called a press conference to explain the steps being taken by the government to address the crisis.

A Day In The Life Of Steven Joyce

7:13 am

The days when I have to travel to Wellington are always the longest ones. I have to get up well before dawn and get myself to the airport, while my family are still asleep in their beds. The taxi driver I usually use knows my routine, and we often don't even exchange a word. But this morning I had a new driver. He asked me where I was headed. The question threw me, but a bit of quick thinking and I had my answer. "We'll stay right here, thanks," I said. "I'm not prepared to just throw government money at this problem in the hope that we'll make it to the airport."

Labour Blamed For Robot Army Attack

Questions were again raised about the leadership of David Shearer today, after a giant robot army descended from the skies and laid waste to most of the North Island.

As the horde of killer machines spread fire and death in all directions, there was no news from the Labour Party leader about how he would deal with the crisis.

Government Announces New Space Programme

The National government has released plans for a space programme designed to send a manned ship into space.

Business analysts had been expecting Steven Joyce to announce further changes to tertiary education funding, when he called a press conference for this afternoon. Instead, he unveiled the plan to send a man into space by the end of the year.

"Critics have said this government lacks boldness," said Mr Joyce. "Well let me tell you something. They're wrong. We're going to prove them wrong by sending a manned mission into space by the end of 2012."

Mr Joyce would not be drawn on the exact destination of any manned mission, but dismissed conjecture that the target would be Mars.

"Look, it'll be an achievement for us just to get our guy into space. Let's take one step at a time."

When asked by reporters whether any studies had been undertaken on the economic benefits to New Zealand of a space programme, Joyce confirmed that work was still being done.

"This is not just about economics," said Mr Joyce.

"It's about lifting the spirits of a nation wearied by years of sluggish economic growth. It's about providing hope and inspiration for our young.

"But most of all, it's about providing a home for the Beast of Blenheim."

Joyce said that the space programme had been thought up after a brainstorming session with Department of Corrections officials.

"We had nowhere to put the guy. He can't stay in prison, Whanganui's the only part of the country where he has no victims, and now the people of Whanganui are fighting hard to keep him out.

"We were scratching our heads trying to figure out where to put him, when Anne Tolley said 'if only we could shoot the bastard out into space'. That woman's a genius, I tell you."

Joyce said the estimated cost of the space programme was "somewhere between half a million and eighteen billion dollars. The top price gets us a full space programme, complete with top of the line equipment, rockets, trained engineers and scientists from the US, and a massive space complex.

"At the other end we basically just construct a rocket from firecrackers, tie the guy on, point it upwards, and then light the fuse.

"There are some potential safety problems with this, due to the explosive nature of fireworks, so we may have to consider the more expensive option.

"It goes without saying that we'd like this space mission to be a short one-way trip. For one thing, we've nowhere to put Stewart Murray Wilson if he comes back down to Earth.

"However, officials are being aggravated by the man's lawyer, who is insisting that he has rights too and can't simply be shot up into space without being given a chance of survival.

"So it's possible we'll have to build an entire space station to house him."

Politicians from other parties were quick to comment on National's ambitious project.

"There should be a public transport option if we're going to go into space," said Green Party co-leader Metiria Turei.

Labour's leader David Shearer said he thought the plan was a good one, and then he changed his mind, and then he said he didn't know.

And Conservative Party leader Colin Craig just kept saying "I have nothing against homosexuals, really."

Each Time We Say "Protect The Environment" Steven Joyce Eats A Baby

Steven Joyce writes in the Herald that the answer to our economic woes is to open up resources to entrepreneurs, and to hell with the social cost or environmental impact.

Joyce attacks the people who say:

... "we want jobs" but then in the next breath say "but you can't do that ... you can't build that there ... you can't expand that ... you can't explore for that there ... you can't live here ... you can't invest in property here - you just can't do that!"

as if the only thing preventing us from being an economic powerhouse is our reluctance to dig for minerals and dirty coal.

Joyce also blames the early onset of the recession on the Labour government, while at the same time taking a swipe at an area of industry where we have the potential to be world leaders.

Through the 2000s, as a country, we progressively boxed ourselves in more and more to depend on fewer and fewer industries based on what the "can'ts" said. At the end of it the government of the day was pretty much down to talking only about two of the ingredients - skills training and subsidising entrepreneurs that don't use resources (the so-called clean-tech sector) - as the bits the "can'ts" were most comfortable with. The rest was off the table.

That attitude made it much harder to pay our way in the world and, as a result, we went into recession before the rest of the world in early 2008.

New Zealand's economic problems have been around for a few decades now. They weren't created by Labour alone, and both Labour and National are guilty of failing to seriously tackle these problems. Moreover, if Joyce really wants to attack environmental laws for stifling development, then he should be focusing his ire on the Bolger government of the 1990s, which passed the Resource Management Act.

It is simply wrong to blame a lack of diversification on the Labour government, because that lack has been there for decades. It is a sign of National's lack of imagination and paucity of ideas that Joyce and other ministers continue to blame Labour for everything that is wrong with New Zealand, in the hope that voters won't realise that National is doing next to nothing to address the problems and in fact is probably worsening them.

Selling our assets, stripping our conservation estate and ignoring environmental best practice will not make us rich. A clean, green economy based on smart technologies is the only future for this country, because of our distance to markets and our modest physical resources. Digging holes in the ground and building more and more roads (as Mr Joyce appears determined to do) will do harm to the "clean and green" image we have managed to establish for ourselves. Whether or not that image is justified is another debate entirely, but the image is something we can and must trade on.

The clean-tech sector that Joyce sneers at may well be our future. One need only look at the success of a company like LanzaTech to see the potential for exporting clean technologies to the rest of the world. Consumers are being driven more and more by environmental considerations when they choose which products or services they should acquire, so Joyce is on the wrong path when he portrays environmental protections as evils that must be minimised as much as possible.

And let us remember that the party saying "we can't" most often is the government. A central rail loop to take pressure off Auckland's roads and reduce gridlock? A good public transport system that reduces our addiction to fuel? A broadband rollout that won't create new blockages and entrench monopolies for existing players? Steven Joyce's answer is always "we can't".

Request For Urgent Assistance

Greetings to you!

Allow me introduce myself to you. My name is Hon Steven Joyce, and I am top official National Party.

The leader of party, His Excellency Right Honourable John Key came into a great deal of power three years ago after many battle with enemy forces, but due to numerous of complications and legal issue pertain to electoral laws, his power has been unable to exercise fully.

These various bureaucratic and administrative complexions mean that the power His Excellency would wield must be subject to coalition partners. If full majority obtain in Parliament, these difficults would dissipate.

Hence, good sir, I am write to you on entire confidential basis in the hope of solicit your most generous assistance.

To enable His Excellent's power unleashed unbridle we humble and sincere request that you honour us with your party vote this Saturday.

In returns for party vote, I can assure that you will be most grievously reward.

I am instruct to inform you that in returns for party vote, you will receipt a Brighter Future, as well as benefit of Strong and Stable Government that Have Ambition for All New Zealands.

His Excellently also instructing me to assure that, despite holes on the government budget projectings big enough for walking flock of goat through, his government are Pay Down Debt Faster.

Lastly, Rt Hon Mr Key’s government will Rebuild Christchurch. It in fact main party at war with His Excellency government, Labour, vowing to destroy that magnificent city and all the peoples within.

This may sound too good for be true, and you may wondering why you trust the wording of man who so blatantly braked promises over GST, and who now trying to conceal informative about shading deals with ACT, and about advising he got from officials over fact SOE shares ending up mostly in foreign hoardings.

But you may rest assured, good sir, that this is not a scam! I give you my wording as a Man of God.

So give us your party vote if you want good things happen. In return for which the Brighter Future you so rightly desire be yours in abundant.

What have you lose by giving one tiny little vote to the National Party?

I am most confidence you will see this for the once in lifetime opportunism it is. A chance to enrich yourself and your family, while at the same time help a good and honourable man come into his powerfulness.

Many thankings for your time, and I await most eager your response.

May God be with your.

Steven Joyce

The Real Taniwha

"If there is a taniwha threatening the rail link its name is Steven Joyce."

Phil Twyford nails it.

Another Day, Another U-Turn

Remember how John Key said the Government would not change the drink-driving alcohol limit until further research had been done?

Then remember how a couple of week later he said he expected a vote on Labour bill to lower the limit to be a conscience one?

From the Herald last week:

"I imagine it would be a conscience vote," he said.

"I know there's a wide range of views within our caucus.

"So that's something I would have to take to caucus, but off the top of my head I'm not proposing to stand in its way."

Now he's gone to caucus and has been told by Joyce and Power that his original flip-flop makes them look bad. So he's flopped back to the original plan:

Today:

National MPs will vote on drink-drive limits as a party, despite Prime Minister John Key earlier indicating it would be a matter of conscience.

Last week Mr Key said the decision on how to vote on lowering the blood alcohol level for drivers, proposed in a member's bill from Labour MP Darren Hughes, was likely to be left up to individual National MPs.

However, after discussions at caucus yesterday, Justice Minister Simon Power and Transport Minister Steven Joyce said the party had agreed to a free vote on the purchase age but not on other changes relating to alcohol.

Yesterday, Mr Key denied it was a backdown. "It's actually the opposite ... That was the will of caucus. I was happy to support either view but I'm more than happy with the position they've adopted."

Key at least left sufficient room in his first statement to claim the subsequent position isn't a complete u-turn. He did mention, after all, that the matter would be determined by caucus.

But that won't wash. Key is leader of the party, and when he expresses an opinion on what he expects the caucus decision to be, we should be able to rely on it. It seems, then, that he was overruled.

It is probably coincidental that the two ministers who announced the new voting position, Power and Joyce, are regarded as rising powers in caucus and as the most likely to succeed Key. Key doesn't need to worry about leadership challenges while he is riding high in the polls. But now might be a good time to invest in a stab-through vest, to deflect the knives that will be aiming for his back as soon as his polling begins to drop.

Yo Kids, Stevo's In The House And Is Down On Yo' Asses

The Transport Minister wants to do more research on the difference between a 0.05 and 0.08 blood alcohol limit, before he lowers the blood alcohol limit for drivers aged 20 or over. But he's happy to impose a zero limit for those under 20.

Quite why he needs to undertake any further research on the matter is something only Steven Joyce would be able to tell you.

Especially as Rebecca Williams of Alcohol Healthwatch told Checkpoint tonight that over 300 studies confirmed drivers were impaired when their blood alcohol exceeded 0.05. I'm going to assume she's not just making shit up, in which case, why do more studies?

And why hit the under 20s? Don't older drivers cause accidents too?

This is another example of National hitting the young. It's no fun being young at the moment. You're probably scratching around to find work, thanks to difficult economic times, and a succession of middle-aged ministers is telling the world that you're the cause of all society's ills. You're lazy, you're loud, you drink too much, and we don't like those ridiculous cars you drive up and down the main street late at night.

Young people, when will you learn to be joyless like the rest of us?

In Which I Bestow Praise On A Minister Then Rush Off To Cleanse Myself

This is just a quick post to prove I can appreciate good work, even when it comes from the other side of the political spectrum from that where I most happily reside.

I probably spend too much of my time dissing the Government, but I have to congratulate Steven Joyce for the measures he's announced to tackle the appalling accident rate among young drivers. The measures seem sensible, and now they're in front of us I'm wondering why it took so long for them to be proposed. They all seem bloody obvious.

Federated Farmers say there's no evidence that raising the driving age will reduce the road toll. Their argument makes no sense. Surely people become better drivers as they become more mature. Are they really saying there's no difference in maturity as people get older? In that case, perhaps they ought to be advocating that we have no age limit at all. Of course that would be ridiculous.

Anyway, a grudging well done to Steven Joyce.