Did Trevor Do It?

Did Trevor Mallard skip out of Wiggles touring
duties to rig a poll result?

I heard via social media* that a Herald on Sunday preferred prime minister poll gave David Shearer 25% (sorry, I can't find it online). Shearer's still miles behind John Key, but it is a huge jump from previous preferred PM poll results.

This should not be happening. If the many commenters and bloggers on The Standard and elsewhere are to be believed, Shearer's leadership dooms Labour to many more years in opposition. 

So what's going on? Is it a rogue poll? Or has someone in Labour somehow rigged the results? But who would do such a thing, and how? 

My pick would be Trevor Mallard. Don't ask me how he did it, but he gets the blame for pretty much everything else and he's thick-skinned, so let's just blame Trevor for this result. He won't mind.

New Wiggles Line-up Announced

New Red Wiggle, Trevor Mallard

Labour MP Trevor Mallard has confirmed rumours that he will be the new Red Wiggle from 2013.

The legendary band announced on Thursday that three members of the group will retire at the end of the year.

Jeff Fatt (the Purple Wiggle), Greg Page (the Yellow Wiggle), and Murray Cook (the Red Wiggle) have confirmed that they will retire at the end of the year, leaving Anthony Field (the Blue Wiggle) as the only original member of the band remaining.

On Thursday morning it was confirmed that former ACT MP Rodney Hide would take the place of Greg Page and wear the yellow jersey.

And on Thursday afternoon Labour MP Trevor Mallard confirmed he was taking the place of Red Wiggle Murray Cook.

"It's a dream come true," said Mr Mallard, shortly after the announcement was made.

"I've been a big fan of the Wiggles since the band first toured New Zealand. I've bought tickets to all of their shows, although I've never actually seen them perform live."

Mr Mallard said he had been put on notice several months ago that he was in the running for the position.

"I've been training hard to get in shape," Mr Mallard said, "and spending long hours on the bike. I guess my efforts paid off."

Mr Mallard confirmed rumours that Wiggles management have been seeking for some time to take the group in a different direction, to create a darker and more intense entertainment experience for children.

"At the moment the kids lose interest in the Wiggles as soon as they reach school age, so the group is aiming to capture an older, more cynical market. My scrappy, take-no-prisoners approach to politics obviously fits that profile."

Learning the guitar was proving challenging, said Mr Mallard, but he claimed to be making good progress after taking a number of guitar lessons from Labour leader David Shearer.

"Usually it's me teaching the young pup a thing or two," said Mr Mallard, "but David's been hugely supportive. They actually asked David before approaching me, but David was already thinking about a leadership tilt at that point."

Mr Mallard said he knew nothing about rumours that former National Party leader Don Brash had been approached to play a new character in the Wiggles ensemble, Donald the Dinosaur, or that internet tycoon Kim Dotcom had been recruited to take over the role of Captain Feathersword the Friendly Pirate.

Mr Mallard said it would be a challenge juggling his parliamentary duties with his new role as a singing, guitar-playing and dancing children's entertainer, but he was prepared for that challenge.

Meanwhile, former ACT Party leader Rodney Hide has announced he will take over the role of Yellow Wiggle from 2013.

"They were impressed with my dancing skills, and my ability to hold reckless and irresponsible governments to account," said Mr Hide.

"I'm looking forward to mixing things up with Trevor on stage. I have a few scores to settle with that man, and I won't be taking a backwards step.

"I've already told them there's no way in hell I'm driving any Big Red Car."

Wiggles management have also confirmed that no replacement for Purple Wiggle Jeff Fatt has yet been found.

United Future MP Peter Dunne had been considered for the role. However, band leader Anthony Field said he was worried that Dunne's ability to send others to sleep with his dreary monologues about common-sense and moderation would confuse the audience, who have become so accustomed to the Purple Wiggle being the one to fall asleep during the show.

Mr Field, who is remaining as the Blue Wiggle, said he expected to continue as leader of the band until late in 2014.

"We've already got a replacement lined up," said Mr Field.

"I can't say too much, but I think people will be pleasantly surprised. It's really not a huge departure from the work he's been doing since 2008."

The Wiggles Concert

The kids loved the show - especially the colour, the dancing and the acrobatics.

The kids are still getting used to Sam (he's the new yellow Wiggle), but got a treat when he ran up the stairs waving at them.

And of course the band makes twice as much from the merchandise suckered-in parents like us purchase afterwards, than from the ticket price.

But the kids loved every moment of it. And, sadly, because I knew most of the songs I found it all rather enjoyable.

Off To The Wiggles

I am off with the family to see the Wiggles tomorrow at Vector Arena.

Last time I was at Vector I saw Faith No More. They were loud and they rocked the place.

But this might be a bit different.

I will want to blend in, otherwise I will just feel very old when I realise most of the people there are at least 30 years younger than me. So what should I wear if I want to fit in with teh yoof? Maybe a black t-shirt won't be the look. A diaper?

And should I take something before the show to get me going? If so, what? Milk?

And there's something I'd like to know - if Captain Feathersword really is the "Friendly Pirate", how did he lose his eye?

The Evil Wiggles Masterplan

Since there’s not much else going on in the land, let me share with you a shocking conclusion I came to during my holiday.

The Wiggles are infant crack. When given to a small child complaining and playing up in the back seat of a car during a long trip, the effect is immediate and frightening.

A couple of verses of Fruit Salad, Yummy Yummy, or Big Red Car and they become pliant creatures, willing to do anything their parents tell them – so long as you don’t turn the music off. And if you do push the stop button, may God preserve you from the wrath of your children!

But even worse is when those tunes get into your own head. I should be unmoved by the various adventures of Captain Feathersword and his friends Wags and Dorothy. And yet so insidious is the stuff the Wiggles put in their tunes that the music soon dominates your thinking. You could be in an important meeting with a client and suddenly find yourself on the table chanting “quack quack cocka-doodle doo!”.

My advice to those of you thinking of introducing your youngsters to the joy of the Wiggles is this: don’t do it. Not just because of the kids, but to protect yourself and your relationship. Do you really want to be in the throes of passion while “Lights, Camera, Action, Wiggles!” rages in your head?

I have always thought the Wiggles' outfits look like those 1960s Star Trek uniforms. But this now makes sense. Maybe they are from space, sent down here to enslave us and our children. Beware!