My Alternative Defence Plan

Audrey Young reports in the Herald:

The entire Defence Force will be re-shaped by 2015 into what will be called a Joint Amphibious Task Force that will enable the Army to deploy more people for longer in combat situations.

Defence Minister Wayne Mapp this morning launched the plan at Defence Headquarters, including some decisions on equipment and training as part of the Defence Capability Plan, the first in 10 years.

About $3 billion will be spent over the next 10 years but it will come from budgeted future accumulated depreciation payments, and there will be no new capital spending he said.

Part of that will be spent on an upgraded battle training facility by 2014 for the SAS at Papakura, which it seems could be a public-private partnership.

I’m disappointed with the timidity of the defence plan. I’ve long argued that we need a stronger military, and that we should be spending up large on critical defence assets.

If we are to challenge the two main superpowers in the Asia-Pacific region for hegemony then we have to accept the need to spend more on defence than we currently are. We will need to invest heavily in the latest aircraft, and acquire sufficient numbers of fighter and bomber aircraft so that, should the need arise, we can flatten the likes of Fiji and turn coastal Australia into a hellish inferno.

And I’m not talking about just buying up a bunch of old F16 planes from the US. That would be plain dumb. If we want to build a strong military industrial complex then we should be building our own aircraft. That way, when the final conflagration and apocalyptic showdown with America commences, we will be self-sufficient.

This plan will be great for jobs too.

But let us not forget our place at the bottom of the Pacific. If we really want to flex our muscles we will need a carrier fleet. We have some pretty clever boat-builders in this country, so they should be able to churn out at least two carriers a year. Give it five years and we’ll be ready for anything that comes our way.

I've always been an admirer of the battleship, the giant beast of the sea that was rendered obsolete by airpower. So what if it's a sitting duck for a cruise missile? A mighty battleship wielding a battery of terrifying 18 inch guns would scare the hell out of most of our island neighbours. There must be room in our naval plan for at least half a dozen of these vessels.

Nor must we neglect our troops on the ground. It will take time to build a cyborg army from scratch, so we need to start work now. Armed with the latest laser weapons and programmed to obey the most cold-blooded of orders, these soldiers will be unbeatable.

I know what you’re thinking. It's a good plan that any patriot would salute, but it's just too expensive, right?

Wrong. Turning the entire nation into one large military camp will be great for the economy, because it will provide jobs and stimulate our manufacturing sector. The price for this progress will be steep, and in the short term will damn near bankrupt us. But these debt mountains will seem like molehills once our troops are in control of the US west coast and all its vast wealth.

But ask yourself this: who will provide the leadership to make this plan happen? You don’t think our steady-as-she-goes PM will be up to the task, do you? Seriously? No, we need someone who can inspire their countrymen and women to achieve astounding feats. An Ed Hillary type, only slightly more violent and less humanitarian.

It won't be easy to find this person, and we may need to look at an interim solution while the right person works their way through the ranks. The sort of brutally sadistic patriot we need doesn't come along all that often. It probably makes sense that, because I have this entire plan in my head (what I've written here is but a fraction of the master-plan!), I take on the role as interim leader. I can assure you, however, that I will be more than happy to step down when a more appropriate candidate comes onto the scene. You have my word as a freedom-loving patriot.

So what now? You like the plan but want to know how to get involved. The best thing you can do is donate cash. Lots of it. Any currency and any denomination. Go on, do it for your country.

Time To Get Tough With The UK

Talk is cheap. It's time to unleash Hell.

The British have really stuffed us this time.

It will now cost up to NZD$356 in taxes for a passenger to fly from the UK to New Zealand and Australia.

This outrage has the potential to derail our tourism industry, which still relies heavily on British visitors, and to damage our economy.

This cannot be tolerated, and something must be done.

By strange chance, two other things of note have occurred.

• The UK has announced massive cuts in defence spending, and is looking to slice considerable numbers from its defence forces.
• We are undergoing a review of our own defence spending and capabilities, with a view to determining the shape of our future military forces.

Do you see where I'm going with this? This outrage can't be left to stand. And it won't have to. The UK is in the process of cutting back the very forces that currently prevent us from launching an all-out attack on them. The silly fools!

So let's use this defence review process wisely. If we start planning now we should be in a position to take them down in five years.

Here's what I want to see come out of the defence review:

Aircraft carriers 

Let's face the facts. The UK is bloody miles away. If we're to strike ruthlessly at Britain's cities and military installations we'll need a carrier force. We simply can't fly our combat missions from ten thousand miles away.

By chance the UK is looking to scrap some of its carrier forces, so we should be able to get a carrier or two on the cheap. The fools! Oh the irony of using their own tools against them.

Fighter and bomber aircraft

Of course, aircraft carriers need planes. Let's buy those F16s - hundreds of the buggers. We'll also need a strategic bomber force if we're to bring them to their knees. The Germans tried to cower Britain in World War Two by bombing its cities and killing civilians, and, while the Germans may have failed, modern technology is much more terrifying.

While civilian deaths are regrettable etc etc, the Israelis will tell you that you can't make an omelet without bombing a few orphanages.

So let's see what the US will let us buy. If the price to pay for a few stealth bomber squadrons is their nuclear ships visiting us then that's fine. It's worth it for the sheer delight of watching the face of the British PM as squadron after squadron of RNZAF bombers wreak havoc over Westminster, and as the iconic Big Ben tumbles to the ground leaving only rubble.

Fanatical shock troops

Modern warfare is mechanised and sophisticated, but there's still a place for passion and daring. Let's start indoctrinating our young lads right now, so that when the war comes their hatred of the Poms will be so fierce they will be prepared to charge tanks and fixed gun positions with little more than the feeble World War Two vintage rifles we will arm them with (because we'll have pretty much spent all our money on ships and planes).

We'll start by regularly showing our boys copies of Stephen Jones' rugby columns from the Sunday Times. 

Nukes

This is the elephant in the room. The UK is a nuclear power. If we want to take on a nuclear power we'd better hit them hard with everything, and that means nukes. 

We'd best start talking to any rogue Russian or Pakistani scientists we can find right now, because it may take a few years to build up our secret reactors.

But this is totally do-able. Wasn't a New Zealander the first to split the atom?

Propaganda

In all wars it's essential to keep morale up, and to convince the enemy that their cause is not worth fighting for.

They're about to start shooting the most expensive films of all time in our very own country. Sir Peter Jackson seems like a good patriot. Someone ought to have a word with him, so that suitable political messages can be weaved through the narrative of the films.

Diplomacy

Propaganda on its own isn't enough. We'll need to use all our powers of persuasion before we launch our attack, if we are to be perceived by the world press as the good guys. If we don't win the hearts and minds of the rest of the world, we may risk looking like the enemy, and (Heaven forfend) some other military power may come to Britain's aid.

We need to find a spokesperson for our cause who is both eloquent and unscrupulous. Let's find out what Tony Blair's price is. He's a man who seems to have no principles, and he's British too. Plus the Americans love him.

We also know for a fact that the UK is harbouring weapons of mass destruction, so let's go with that angle.


So that's my five year plan. I know five years is an awfully long time to wait when you yearn with every fibre of your being to burn their cities and towns to the ground, but it may be some consolation that we get to smash their rugby team this weekend.

We Probably Don't Need Shiny Jetfighters

A third of submitters to the Defence Review want us to acquire multi-role fighter jets that can launch air strikes, and provide air support to the army and navy.

I am not a defence analyst, but I see some obvious difficulties with this proposal.

I understand why people think it would be quite nice to have some of these toy planes, because they are shiny and go really fast. They would also liven up local airshows.

I suppose they might even have a use in an operational sense, though I am struggling to think of an environment where they could be realistically used in a genuine combat capacity without much difficulty.

And then there is the extraordinary expense of re-establishing a combat arm. When the Skyhawks were retired so were many of the facilities needed to operate a combat wing. I doubt many of the top pilots we used to have are still around in this country, so where would the people to fly these planes come from?

Given the expense and difficulties, maybe we are better off finding other ways to contribute. Our Defence spend is pretty low, and are probably not pulling our weight, so more should be done. But reinstating a combat wing doesn't seem like a smart use of already limited Defence funds.

 You want a combat air arm? What about a squadron of these?